mandarincalf

[mandarincalf]

me re-scrolling thru older convos w/ my friends becuase i remember how much i enjoyed talking to them about the subject

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[mandarincalf]

GODDDD i need to make out with a girl i need to have sex with a girl i need to blow my fucking brains out

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found so much seaweed under my clothes and in my hair like i just got fucked by ursula the evil queen of the sea or something

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Neither enemies to lovers nor slow burn but a secret third thing called Schrödinger's intimacy. We are in love and we are not in love do NOT open that lid I swear to God.

[mandarincalf]

i always wonder why we’re not close like i think about it and i don’t really have an answer and then we hang out and it’s like. oh ur defensive and u infantilize me and ur not interested in who i am as a person so. yeah

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I wish i was different i wish it all was different . *cleans and does laundry *

[mandarincalf]

Twink death is such a devastating process specifically for white twinks. Bc if you’re black the twink label has always only partially applied to you by quite a number of people so not being recognized as a twink isn’t confusing. You’ve always had to customize your identity within different contexts and amongst certain people. But white twinks easily settle into that identity early on. once the years of hard drug usage take their toll and age them out the potential for radicalization is very high. You’re not young and cute anymore your just an old haggard white man. that’s all you’ve got going for yourself now. And in their desperate scramble to form a new identity around that, the red pilled fascist faggot is born. Out of laziness a lack of creativity and ultimately fear.

[mandarincalf]

tell me why i keep doing stupid self destructive things like i can’t fucking help it for some reason. get too drunk at my cousins wedding. get too drunk at his brothers birthday. get too drunk (and hospitalized) to remember/go to the concert i’ve been looking forward to for months. get high with my conservative cousin. in front of my sister. to then go home to my grandma, uptight rich uncle, parents, and STILL my little sister. who KNOWS im high. that bitch looked me dead in my face and told me it smells like skunk in here i know what ur doing girl

like why am i behaving like i don’t have a brain all of a sudden. and why is it mostly substance abuse related. i need to talk to ria

[mandarincalf]

why do shitty things happen to the least deserving people

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so much time spent conflating desire with shame when it only takes a few seconds of holding your breath to feel within your burning lungs that desperation is a natural reflex that runs deeper than any other emotion. how absolutely understandable then that it saturates all aspects of living. to want things is the essence of having a body. i will not punish myself for being alive.

[mandarincalf]

i need to go back on my medsssssss i need to restock my meds and take them

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why did i have to do that like why couldn’t i have been normal

[mandarincalf]

i’ve never been so pissed off at myself and mortified ok thai food time

oh hi vent blog i’m back and im high key suicidal but we don’t have to get into all that. 2 days ago my life was beyond perfect and now im here. what the actual fuck is wrong with me like this is the stupidest shit i’ve done yet

[mandarincalf]

oh hi vent blog i’m back and im high key suicidal but we don’t have to get into all that. 2 days ago my life was beyond perfect and now im here. what the actual fuck is wrong with me like this is the stupidest shit i’ve done yet

[mandarincalf]

Gonna chill out the rest of May and then change my entire life in June. Possibly July if that doesn't work out. Certainly no later than September or October.