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[mandeemontana86-blog]

Country Jams

Country music used to be my jam. When everything happened with John I found myself turning more to Christian music and to songs on the top 100 that didn’t make me sad when I listened to them. For a LONG time I had no interest in listening to love songs, or sad songs-I just wanted to listen to inspiring songs or songs that just made me want to dance. Then about two weeks ago I turned on the country station just to hear what was new. The first song that came on was “Better Man” by Little Big Town. It reminded me why I gave up the country. I seriously feel like I could have written that song! The third or fourth song was a song by Keith Urban, “The Fighter.” This song reminds me of Jamie.

As I have been living life and trying to move on from lots of pain and change, I also stopped writing. Although a lot of people have told me they enjoyed reading what I have to say-others have made comments about it, and I really just didn’t want to deal with negativity. For the life of me I don’t know why people feel like it’s my job to hide what happened. It would be very hard for someone to convince me that it didn’t happen ‘to me’ and I don’t understand why people think it’s so bad for me to talk about it. The people who have called me out for talking about what happened and how I chose to deal with it have not called John out for his actions. That seems odd to me. I understand forgiveness-but John has to live with shame of what he did-I have to live with lots of consequences for something I didn’t do. There’s a huge difference there. John himself understands.

So this song, “Better Man”-this wasn’t something they wrote because they read my blog. They wrote it because so many women (and men) have had to deal with this. The song includes lyrics about wondering about what they could have become if he was a better man. I’m to the point in my struggle that I have realized that I was fighting a battle all by myself to save a marriage that John wasn’t a part of anymore. He gave up. I don’t know why-but I think a lot of it was that he wasn’t strong enough. We weren’t strong enough. We overcame a lot in my opinion. Long distance, deployments, lots of change, missing our families, lack of sleep, and lots of things that I have chosen to leave in the past. But-in my case I would say I wish he were a stronger man. I would have continued to fight, and he didn’t have any fight left.

Today I mostly feel bad for Kalli. I hate that she only gets one of us at a time. I hate that one day she is going to be shocked to know that at one time we were together and then we weren’t anymore. The reason for that I am sure she will figure out. I’m not anxious for her to know. I know it’s going to break her heart. She is going to feel betrayed, and that feeling, at least for me, has been the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced.

But, there’s light at every tunnel and I’ve had a shining light enter my life. I can still listen to the song by Little Big Town and have some disappointment, but then I hear Keith Urban’s song and have all this relief. Jamie cares so much about me. It’s almost hard for me to believe and accept to be honest. He is always there for me and I think his favorite thing to do is just be around me. When I was dating I kept telling my friends that I couldn’t tell if a guy was into me enough and some would say my expectations were too high. Jamie has shown me that they weren’t. Actually he has exceeded my expectations with is kindness and his openness.

I have no clue what the future holds. As I have told him, everything is so different than what I expected in my life right now that it is very hard for me to think of the future. But, he keeps fighting for me even when I cry, even when I freak out and get paranoid. I tell him on the regular that I wouldn’t date me, but he wants to. I say all this both because I’m so very thankful that I have found this strong and loving man who puts me first, and because I want anyone who reads this to see that there are men out there that are like this. They are hard to find. You have to find one that is A-willing to put another person first and B-find the one that thinks you’re great enough to do that for. I’ve dated some great guys, but they weren’t the great one for me.

One of my best friends is dealing with a situation that may make her whole life change. She has told me that she’s not strong like me. But girl-girls-whoever reads this..you are strong. I am as strong as I have to be. My little girl is watching me and one day will be looking back at this time to see how I handled myself. I wish I were stronger and could tell her that I just moved on and didn’t look back. But, the truth is there are still days I have to force myself to not be sad. I have to think of all the good things in my life and thank God for them. And-mostly I have to ask God for strength and then know that he’s there guiding me. He knew what was going to happen and he knows what’s going to happen. He’s got me-and he has you too!

[mandeemontana86-blog]

The grass might not be greener but the water tastes better

Christmas is almost here! It’s really hard to believe. Although this has seemed like the LONGEST FREAKING YEAR it really has flown by. Recently I hit the 1 year mark on the worst day ever-the day that everything changed and I had to “start over.” A lot can change in a year! Lets see, I have a new house, I am now a team of 2 at work (well three including our intern), and Kalli is talking in full sentences and has her own little personality. I haven’t had as many changes as John-with him now having a different wife and having a baby coming in the next few months. I’m a little jealous that he has moved on faster than me, but I’m thankful to not go from 1 to 3 kids that fast. The girl got everything she wanted-down to my house. But, I have to say-I’m glad I still have my pride. I’m pretty proud to say that I have made a lot of progress in moving on and getting to a point where I’m not just coping every day. Some crazy things have happened this year that I’m not so proud of to get me to this point, but for the most part I can honestly say that I’ve tried my best to be a good example for Kalli throughout the year. My house: So I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would live in Dunkirk. But, I figure I’m not in California so why does it matter where I live? For me-I’m closer to work, I have some awesome neighbors, and my family has helped me to make the house really cute and perfect for Kalli and I. One thing is for sure-I like the water so much more than living in the other house. Well water sucks for your hair and tastes terrible. So yay for better water! I also have my first walk in closet ever. I’m pretty excited EVERY SINGLE TIME I look at it. Dating: So I’ve been on a lot of dates this year. I think this might be how I cope or something? More than a decade ago when my heart was broken I did the same thing. I just wholeheartedly believe in love I guess. I’ve only dated one person for a stretch of time and he was super nice, I just knew he wasn’t for me. And-his welcome because he’s super happy now with someone else. I’ve been wrong about how people felt about me, and I’ve also been wrong about my first impressions of people. I’ve been hurt and I’ve probably hurt a couple people too. I guess that’s how it goes. I’ve slowed down with that and I’m just open. I know that God knows what I want and I truly believe that in his time I’ll find it. I went on date not too long ago and had an amazing time. It gave me this feeling like I was getting close-but close could be years away who knows. Being a single mom: You know, John used to make me feel like the worst mom on the planet. His comments always made me feel like I just didn’t have that “mom gene” that you hear women just instictively show once they have children. But-I have to say, I think this part is going great. I HATE when she goes to her dads-mostly because of the company he keeps. But, when she’s home we just have the best time. I take her with me everywhere and when she’s around I don’t feel lonely at all. I look at her every day and litterally thank God that I met John just so I could look into her big blue eyes. She’s amazing, and together I think we are going to be unstoppable. Yes I would love her to have a step-dad and another sibling and all that-but for now, I’m just trying to make sure that she knows her mom would do anything for her and let her know that she’s litterally the most important thing to me. It has to feel good to know that. Other progress: Being me again feels amazing. I don’t think I have ever been in a funk for more than 2 or 3 days, so being that way for like 8 months was rough. My doctors told me to use medicine at one point-but I pushed through. It look a lot of praying, believing, and support but here I am-back to myself. Now I will say I have lots of bad days. Today was one. I just have no motivation and I keep thinking about how sad Christmas night will be. Kalli is going to her dads and I’ll probably go home to my house. I know lots of people do it-but I will be missing my family that night. People always tell me that I miss what I thought was real-and that’s correct-but it doesn’t make it any less painful. I’m very confident that 2017 is going to me MY YEAR. My plan is to get back in shape since I lost it this year. I am also planning to finish my book, start working on obtaining my CFRE, and I want to learn to make stuff-with tools. I’m going to keep trying to be the best mom I can-best daughter I can-and best friend I can. And, I’m also planning to take the organization I run to the next level in many ways. It’s going to be great and I’m ready to get the party started-WHOO HOO.

[mandeemontana86-blog]

Just Move On

  One week from now it will have been 11 months since my whole world stopped, fell apart, and I had to start picking up millions of pieces. Because I am how I am I immediately wanted to figure out what comes next, how I move on, and which direction I should face. And, although it has been close to a year, I am still looking for that direction, still confused, still hurt-but still fighting every single day to “move on” and move forward.   I really wish there was some book you could ask for answers. Just kidding I’m a regular reader of the good book- the Bible. I read through mine often, searching for some reasoning, or at least some direction on how I can feel whole again. In short, from what I have read, the Bible says to trust, that Jesus knows what is going to happen next, and that his plan all works out in the end. And, it says to never give up.   Mostly, I am interested to know how I can grow from all of this. The biggest change I have seen is that I’m not as worried about the material things. And, I do think that I’ve become less of a princess and been way more interested in doing things myself. For some reason the idea of getting dirty, learning to change my oil, etc. is a lot more likely now.   A lot of people have told me I just need to “move on” or “get over it” or I’m “better off”. I do think all those things are true, and I do think that I am for sure better off in the long-run. But, for those of you who think this-it’s a lot harder than you think. I have put myself out there, I have tried to date, tried new things, and I’m even choosing to move out of my house so I can get a new start. But I know what I want- like most people, my idea of a great life is having a complete family-a man who loves me that I love right back, and together raising our kiddos to be great people. Going home, especially when Kalli isn’t there and I am all by myself sucks. Yes, I wish it didn’t. Go ahead and judge me. But, in the end it doesn’t matter, what I want is what I want, and my dreams are my own. I think I have been listening to way too much One Direction.   Dating has been quite the experience. I have been out on some dates. I wouldn’t ever want to share anything about anyone but I’m just going to summarize by saying-I don’t think it’s much different as an adult than it is as a teenager, other than you have WAY less time. This is probably true for me because I’m a mom. I have re-learned a few things.   1.   Not everyone is going to understand you. Recently I went out with a guy who just thought it was crazy that I cared John was still with the home wrecker. He thought I must still be in-love with John. But no, in fact, I think he’s still betraying us in a way by staying with her, and I also think she’s a horrible human being and shouldn’t have the pleasure of seeing Kalli ever.   2.   Not everyone is going to like you. So I’ll admit it, I am like a teacher’s pet kind of person. I like to be the favorite. But, I also try to make sure everyone knows they are my favorite in my defense. But, at the end of the day, not everyone is going to think you have a smile that could light up their life, or that you are really that funny, or that your sarcasm is cute. And, lots of guys are either going to want to move too fast and want to girlfriend you up, be too slow and earn the loving nickname of “turtle”, or my personal favorite- still into their ex..   3.   Ghosting is alive and well This has been the most shocking dating thing for me-people just poof off the earth. Now I get it, sometimes you’re just not in. I have been not in several times, but have never thought, hmm I’m just going to be rude AF and just stop talking to someone. Go ahead, tell me it’s not rude-but it’s rude. It’s hard for me to just stop talking to someone after talking several times a day for a couple months, let alone just dropping off the face of the earth. And if you have done this to me, then you might as well assume that I have made up a tragic story about your death. I still can’t believe Boy #5 fell into a sink hole and was never found.   4.   Chivalry might be dead Okay maybe it was never a thing, but I guess I anticipated some “wooing” from an interested guy. One guy has been pretty sweet and picked me up at my house, drove, etc. Otherwise we have met up, I’ve been unsure if I am paying for my own meal (which I haven’t) etc. I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I just thought this was something that was expected. Obviously my last relationship didn’t pan out so well, but in the beginning I knew John had me on his mind. I didn’t question. That was nice.   5.   Games are a thing So that movie “How to be single” is real! No, seriously. Men play all these games. There are so many rules. You shouldn’t text too soon, too much, or at certain times. If you do you’re too interested, not interested, needy, too independent, etc. My goodness! I hate it. If you like me, just tell me-and if I like you I am going to tell you. I hate the games. I have no interest in learning how to play. And, I’m sorry but texting is not the same as calling. Yes, I like to text and text a lot, but picking up the phone and making a phone call means so much more to me. So-good job callers!   Overall, I think dating has taught me a lot about what I don’t want. Since I have been married I know how tough it is. I see things that people might not notice if they didn’t know how hard it is to be in a partnership. The second someone seems to pull back I notice, or They cannot hear someone else’s opinions I notice, or that they are a little lazy, or self-absorbed, etc. I think I could write a book on this after about 6 months of dating ha-ha.   But, even though there have been some sour grapes in there, there have also been some that would be great for making wine. I’ve met a lot of guys who I now consider friends, so it’s all good. I’ve also probably lost a couple friends in the process. But, I’ve lost worse so I’ll deal.   To end, where am I now? I’m better than before, but I still have bad days. I still am not comfortable doing some things with a bunch of couples or all alone. And it’s not up to you when I am ready. God is not ready for me to be in a relationship- I know because nothing has worked out. I’ve been really excited a few times, but in the end it doesn’t pan out. I’ve felt butterflies, I’ve had excited feelings, I’ve pictured a couple of the guys making me breakfast in the morning, so I know that it’s still possible that I’ll feel all that and the other stuff will line up too. And yeah I don't want to settle- I've come way too far for that! And, I know that I don’t want John back, but I don’t want bad things for him either. I just want good things for me and Kalli. I want karma to come back and put us on a cloud instead of biting John in the ass. And, unfortunately I think Karma already got him good. But, that’s for another day…  

[mandeemontana86-blog]

I Will Trust in You

Lately I have been really stressed out. I am starting to feel the effects with less sleep, aches and pains in my shoulders, my mood, etc. And, I really hate to even admit that I’m stressed out, because I know that EVERYONE is. I understand that I’m probably not anymore stressed than anyone else, but for me, I am having a hard time dealing with my current situation. If you would have asked me a few months ago, I would have told you that by September I would be back to my old self. To me-that was trying to continue to grow, trying to work hard and make stuff happen. But, the reality is, that has not happened. My entire life I have focused on the future and set my life up like a strategic plan with goals and objectives to get where I want to go. And, by the grace of God, I have really accomplished a lot of those goals. Aside from my weight, which is always the constant issue in my life, I have done a good job of staying motivated and achieving goals with work, finances, etc. But, now, I feel like I have been stuck in this rut for a long time. Last year, the year of just enjoying life, 2015, I did just that. Although I was having a lot of issues in my marriage I decided to stay positive and truly believed that everything would be okay. I just was happy living-not trying to see what’s next. Then, the year I finally do that, everything was ripped away. So this year I have been trying to cope-trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. My plan and my dream for the future was ripped away. Now I’m left still trying to remain grateful for the many blessings I have like Kalli, my family, my job, my friends, and all the other great things in my life. But, still, I am just in a rut that is impossible to explain. I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel chipper like I always used to. In the past it didn’t matter if things at home weren’t great-overall I thought my life was. Now I am stuck, just hoping it gets better. One of my most favorite songs right now is “Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle. Her song touches me because she says that although things aren’t coming together and taking more time that she would hope, she will continue to trust. Every day I ask God to help me move on-to be happy. Everyone tells me that this is not going to come from another, and I know this is true. I also believe that this time in my life has a purpose. I just have no clue what that purpose is. Yes, it has helped me to build my relationship with God, and I am sure it is strengthening me. But-I feel like there is something more-something that I cannot figure out. I want to grow from this, I want to become a better person. It’s funny because when I was young I didn’t have any desire to be a Suzy Homemaker, and now I miss it. But, then I think, maybe that’s not for me-maybe I should be doing something different. But-I have to be honest, I don’t know what that is. There’s nothing that I am just dying to learn but am scared, or no feat that I just won’t try. So, I continue to pray. If I am supposed to grow, help me grow. If I am supposed to be an example, help me be that example. You always hear about a girl who is cheated on finding the love of her life. I really hope that is me, but if it’s not, please help me to be okay with it. Help me to find meaning and desire. Just living day to day is not working for me-I need more. A lot of people who read this might feel like my prayers are already being answered. In many ways they are. I found a house that I really like, and it’s coming together. But, I haven’t really gotten excited because I know that moving is going to be hard, and that I am going to have to ask for help. And, I’m not at all excited about John and his girlfriend moving into my home. It’s really easy for someone else to say-oh well, let them have each other. Sure, go ahead. What is hard for me is knowing that several times a week I have made a decision that will lead to Kalli being in her care over and over again. Imagine sending your child, your everything, to be with someone you wouldn’t trust a rock with. To me, the person who experienced the manipulation and deceit first hand, it’s a horrible feeling. I made the decision so that we could move on. “It is what it is” is one of my best friend’s favorite things to say. That is hard for me to accept. But, as I have promised God many times, I will trust him to watch over Kalli. In my mind, that’s all I can do. I HATE the thought of her hugging my daughter, I hate the thought of Kalli being treated the way I have watched her treat her own foster kids. I also hate that the two people who did all this get to move into my beautiful home and have memories with Kalli together. I know life is not fair, but I feel like all this really isn’t fair. To top things off they continue to do well in other avenues, and it just makes me wonder if karma is a real thing. But, I don’t so much believe in karma as I do God. I believe that it is up to him to decide how life will go. He loves me, he wants me to do well, but he also loves them and wants them to do well too. I’m just ready for mine. I’m ready to stop being sad. I’m ready to be happy again. This has been an awful storm. Many have went through this. I am trusting that he remains in control and that he has a plan for me. I’m open to this plan and I want to be used in whatever way he would like. I fully surrender to whatever he has planned. In the meantime, I am fighting-fighting to stay positive-fighting to show love and be the type of person I would want Kalli to be. It’s hard-I promise. There have been days I just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone. There are days I just want to go out and get crazy. But, it’s not up to me on how long this takes. It’s not up to me what waters part or which mountains I have to climb, it’s all up to him, and I trust. In the end, you will see, it will all be okay. My greatest hope is that one day I’ll have a testimony to share that will inspire and motivate others to believe in him, and to trust.

[mandeemontana86-blog]

Half a Year of “Firsts”

Yesterday I had another first-hosting a birthday party for Kalli without her dad. I am very proud to say I didn't cry once and that instead of hating him to the core as I sometimes do, I felt sorry for him. Seriously, how can you miss your own child's birthday party when you're just down the road? He felt like we aren't "ready" but I know that my family members, my friends, and most importantly-Kalli, were ready. 

All day I was worried that she would look out off the horse and yell for him. She did this in Tennessee when she had a blast riding the carousel. At the end of the day after setting up, singing, cutting the cake, opening gifts, and then putting gifts together (which would have normally been his department)-I felt pretty proud that she had a great birthday party. I was so thankful that my friends came and that Kalli just lit up. Maybe I am wrong but I felt like she loved every second of it. But, at the very end of the day, we still had no call from him. No text with good luck, no questions about if he could help. Nothing.

So-in scorned wife/mother fashion I call. "Why didn't you call and tell her to have a great day?" Granted, he's right it was not her actual birthday. We had a July 7th baby-meaning her birthday falls right by July 4th and usually right before Jay County Fair. This year we are going to Missouri on her actual birthday. Although we are doing "better" and he hopes it will be different next year we were not in a good enough place for him to even worry or care about how the birthday party went. Maybe for some this doesn't matter, but for me parties are a big deal. My parents always gave me a party. Kalli is always going to know that her birth was the best thing to ever happen as far as I am concerned. He did pay for the cake-which was beautiful (I highly recommend Muncie Cake Fairy). 

Anyway, it just blows my mind. A few people told me that this would be a new beginnings year and that I was going to experience a lot of firsts. The year is halfway over and they were totally right. We started out before the new year with Christmas alone, then New Year's, then Valentine's Day, our first vacation, our first Easter, Memorial Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and the worst so far was the first wedding.

Don't get me wrong-I had a great time at our first wedding. It was beautiful and fun and the bride was gorgeous. The couple who got married believed in the vows they said. When I listened to them say them I couldn't help but wonder if John meant his. I also remembered looking at him during our wedding and being blown away that he wrote his own vows and that he was just so intelligent, caring, and willing to put his heart on display with his words. Sitting there listening to the couple promise forever I wondered if that was all for show.

John looked so proud when Pastor Randy called us husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Mikulski. I had so much trust that day, trust that it was right-that he loved me-that he would be there through everything. That everything we did from that point on would be our first of every single time together.

The couple's first dance was beautiful. One of the groomsmen sang "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton. I intentionally do not listen to that song. It's just too hard. The song talks about ups and downs, and basically says that the person he is singing to is the one person that will be there no matter what. Inside I was crumbling. I felt guilty, angry, so sad, but hopeful because I felt like maybe that didn't apply to me and John but it did for that couple-and maybe me and someone else. I was holding it all together inside until I glanced over at my parents and they were both looking just as sad on the outside as I felt. They were worried about me-angry, sad, all that too. So, I couldn't hold it in and had to break down some.

I'm sure anyone reading this would understand anger and sadness-but maybe not guilt. Here's the thing. If John is struggling as much as I think he must be to give up his whole family and everything that I thought made the world spin, then he needs some help. The song they were dancing to talks about that person being there no matter what. Sometimes I think that when John wakes up from this awful mess of a time that he's going to ask me why I wasn't there. Why I didn't save him. But, the truth is, I do keep trying. On days like yesterday when I feel like he should be there and I physically feel his absence, I call. 

Yesterday I tried to call and understand. I try a lot. I've told him that I am here and ready to be his friend. But, he wants me to be his friend and keep his girlfriend too. Maybe someone has advice on this-but I just don't think that is fair. This woman literally talked to me on the phone and told me that I deserved better than John and then told him the same. She played and worked us both for at least two years. She's ill, a snake, and the grossest person I have every met. So how, please tell me-can I be okay with that. He calls it an ultimatum-I call it common courtesy.

Because of my mixed emotions I also had another first. I had to let someone go. I had been dating someone who has been this great person in my life that has dealt with my weird feelings, the ups and downs, and embraced my tendency to be a little control freakish. We have had some great times and he's one of the most caring and loving people I have ever known. But, when I go through these firsts and I am feeling the absence of John-it makes me feel so guilty to not concentrate of the presence of him. Tons of people have told me that it takes a while-and although I think he would be there and be patient through all the rest of the "firsts" I think I need to go through them alone. Funny thing is he was texting to see how Kalli enjoyed it and thinking about us all day. So maybe I am wrong-but to me it just seems unfair to him.

All this happened for some reason. Maybe it's so John can be with his true love and I am just a casualty-but I can not imagine God would have that be true. Or maybe, it was just time, and I am going to get stronger through every "first" we experience this year. It's not up to me. 

My hope is that I can just continue to make sure that Kalli doesn't have to give up anything except for having her two parents there every day. I'm not to a place where I could go to a baseball game with John and his "work wife" made real girlfriend-but luckily for us Kalli is still too young for those. I am however strong enough to push through every day, every first, and to realize that this is all above me and in God’s hands. He's got this. He knows I won't stop until Kalli has everything-including a happy mom who continues to be the "bubbly" one of her group of friends. 

I also have the strength to get through our -first- nine hour car ride to get to Stephy's in a couple weeks. I can do it-we can do it-and we are going to continue to do it the best we can.

[mandeemontana86-blog]

My Own Lifetime Story

Two weeks ago I met a new friend and ended up telling her about the past six months. This story always turns into one about the past 12 years because I always feel it cannot be told without it. Every time I tell someone they look shocked-and almost everyone has told me it sounds like a Lifetime movie. And, when I replay it all back in my head I agree it’s a little “Hand that Rocks the Cradle.” But-my hope is, once I tell the story, that I can show that without God there’s no way I would have made it the last six months. I also have to give credit to my incredible family, my friends, Kelly Clarkson,several of my co-workers, Pink, Mandisa, and Danny Gokey. I also have to thank the many strong women who have made it through similar situations and have come to the other side stronger, smarter, and happier. A lot of people have asked me if I had any idea and if I now know how to spot a cheater. Ha-I would say anyone in a long-term relationship with me. That isn’t really fair, but it’s true. I remember getting a call in 7th grade that I had been cheated on, then 9th grade, as a Senior in high school, and then sadly finding out that I was going to miss my ten year anniversary because my husband had also chosen to be unfaithful. So I would give myself an F in that department.

This time he didn’t step up his game and become super husband like my high school cheater boyfriend. I always thought I would know if he started being really nice and trying to make me feel good. I don’t think John’s behavior changed at all. But, I can say, I did know deep down in my gut that something was off with the girl who is now with my husband and probably at least two others.

I would recommend not being like me and beating yourself up because you just can’t shake a feeling.I literally felt terrible because I would feel like she was flirting with my husband. She was such a good friend to me. She sent me notes at work, she would stop by just to say hi, she was the only friend that would call to see if she could have Kalli because she missed her. Not to mention we started hanging out through bible study. But, I always felt like some things were off-like why would she not stop flirting with so many people. I was told that she was like that with many other guys, and I saw it for myself a few times. It always gave me comfort because I thought that John wasn’t special to her. Then, I had people call and tell me she was flirting with him in public and I thought, no she’s only being nice because who would do that in public? And, when my friends would tell me something was off I got upset because she tried so hard to be a good friend to me. Still, I knew something was off and I didn’t trust my gut.

Another thing that really bothered me is how she would ask me if I wanted help cleaning the house, and she would constantly try to mother Kalli. She liked to cut up her food, hold her a lot, and even made the remark twice that she thought it was funny that she looked more like her than me. Although let’s be honest Kalli is a replica of her father. Well, I can tell you now-I’m pretty sure she’s crazy and wanted Kalli to be hers. And, I also think that she knew my house needed a good cleaning because she would be there on her lunch break with John after I did my hour hustle out the door with Kalli before work. It usually looks like a tornado went through because we are rushing and I don’t get much picked up. Anyway, right before I found out I asked John directly and he told me that I was crazy, that she was annoying, and that she wasn’t even attractive. I literally thought, “well checks out”. That was my mistake. And, unfortunately, I think it is one that has changed me. I used to try and fix every single relationship in my life, but now I just don’t care to. It’s one of those love me or leave me type of things. It’s not because I want to be mean or don’t care, it’s just that I think that I have to learn from this-and trusting my gut is one of the most important things I have learned. The other thing I have learned that will forever change me is that God has got your back.

When I walked in on my friend, who I had just spent the evening before with on a double-date with her husband, in the bedroom with my husband I thought I might just die right there. My hopes and dream like fell out of the sky and I felt like I did not want to take another breathe. I freaked out-in a way that I really cannot describe. It felt the way I feel when I watch torture movies-except my soul was the one being tortured. I just couldn’t believe that “my person” could betray me like that. Actually betray us. My daughter was crying in her crib-probably so confused as to why mommy’s friend was there when she was not. The entire time I have been with John, through long-distance, deployments, unemployment, school, going up the corporate ladder, I have always been so thankful for him. Anytime I had felt like something has been hard or unfair I thought-well at least I have John. God gave me a wonderful, faithful man. In that moment I thought-why is he taking him away. Looking back I can tell you my marriage was in trouble-but I never ever thought it would be over. I do not think that divorce is an option-or I should say did not. But, John knew I would not stay with a cheater. I think he got caught on purpose. He hid the relationship from me for two years, so how would he be dumb enough to not get caught when he knew I was coming home. I believe that she was in it because she thought she wanted what I had. Looking back I think she met John and thought he was a good guy-then met me and thought she wanted what we had. She always asked me so many odd questions, but I just thought she cared. Maybe I’m the one who is nuts, but I think she wanted my life-not just my man. I don’t think she loves him-because I have saw her be the same way with others. I asked her at least three times how she thought her husband would feel. Every time she said that he liked that she was friendly. I know now-that wasn’t true.

John was a much different husband than I thought he would be. He liked a lot of alone time, he loved to spend money on things only for him, and he really did think he was too good for me. I tried to ask him what she has that I don’t and he told me that I’m prettier, smarter, more ambitious, funnier, friendlier than her-but she understands him. I don’t know what that means, and honestly it hurts to try and figure it out. I suppose he just thinks she’s the one. And if she’s the type of person he wants I am glad I am not for him. I never expected my husband to decide he just didn’t “like” me anymore. Sure, he loved me but he didn’t “like” me. He didn’t like to be around me, he hated that I had friends and loved people, and he hated to see me do well. It was very confusing because he wanted me to progress at work or he would make fun of me about how much I made-but he would be angry when I got more responsibility. He also HATED my friends. He started disliking my family members. It was like he didn’t like anyone. Every single time we hung out with my friends he would tell me that we were all “fake” friends. Even though we had all been friends for more than a decade. But I always thought maybe I wasn’t being a good enough friend and he noticed, or that maybe he was sad he didn’t have any. He hated it when I called him-even got annoyed if I just called to say ‘I love you’. I blamed myself. As much fun as it would be, I don’t want to air any further dirty laundry because that just wouldn’t be fair to anyone-but I can look back and see some things that should have caused me to look past the love and acceptance I had and see that maybe the problem was him-not just me. I’ve had several people make comments about how I should have tried. Please know I agree- save your marriage any way you can. But- I’m choosing to follow what I believe God wants me to do. The bible mentions adultery many times. I feel john gave me a certificate of divorce when he chose to do what he did. The bible also mentions that no matter what if I marry another then I’m also committing adultery. So yes- God wants you to fix it. But john didn’t want to fix it- only blame me. I refuse to teach Kalli that it’s okay to go through life like that. He only told me once that he regrets it and never even asked me for forgiveness. He doesn’t want it. He never meant to be one flesh. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, sad, all of those things. But- you can’t change someone else they have to want to change. John is not good at working on relationships. He never checks in on old friends, could care less about making new ones. He did the same exact thing she did to me with her husband. He trusted him too. He borrowed his stuff, asked for favors- KNOWING WHAT HE WAS DOING WITH HIS WIFE. My nightly prayer includes him having the desire to use this to build a stronger bond with his family. The man who loves you should want to make time for you. If he’s deployed and doesn’t call you for weeks even though you know he can-he’s selfish. John wouldn’t call me and said it was too hard because it made him think of home. Meanwhile I was 20 years old 3000 miles from my family wishing I could just hear his voice. There were four of those trips. That’s my example-but others would include wanting to always be with his friends and not you, or always wanting to be alone. I remember my dad always being there at the house when I was a kid. I remember him always wanting my mom to be his co-pilot in life-John was more of an independent rider. Yes this hurt-Yes I knew it wasn’t right. But I loved him. I remember our first date so well. It was like a fairytale. I can steal his words and say that I thought God was showing him off to me when I saw the sparkle in his eyes. I really did feel that way. I knew I was done- I found him-I loved him right away. He was a son of missionaries, he was serving his country, he was friends with my brother, he was smoking hot, he was my prince. Well-let me tell you. I have changed all the endings in fairytales to say, “and they worked hard and compromised to live happily ever after most days.” The man who loves you shouldn’t always point out your flaws. Yes, I do love to sit on the couch and watch stupid shows and get out of my head for a while. But no, I don’t think I am lazy. Other than maternity leave I have had a constant job since I was 14. I worked full-time while finishing almost 4 degrees (come on June). I know some people who are going to freak out about me bringing my education into this-I AM NOT SAYING YOUR LAZY IF YOU DON’T GO TO COLLEGE. This was just the time in my life where I personally felt like I worked my butt off. But I will admit, in the beginning I was a slob. I was a kid too. If anyone asks my opinion-wait until you’re at least 25 to get married. I just think you’re a kid until this age. Now I enjoy keeping my house nice-then I hated cleaning. I can admit that I am not the domesticated housewife that most men look for. But, I worked hard to get there. I tried, I wanted to be the woman who could do it all. I’ve read books, went to sessions, and prayed about it for hours. I wish I would have been as lazy as he said because maybe I would have had time to notice that I was living with a cheater. That was our thing-me being lazy. If I wasn’t up and doing something he was judging me. I felt like I could never relax in my own home. You should be able to be yourself and feel good about who you are with your husband. Both of these things could be summarized into—your husband should want to show you love. He should want to make you feel like the most special girl on earth. If he’s not doing that-and you aren’t married-RUN. That’s what I plan on doing. But, at the same time, I’ll be doing the same in return. If you feel loved you want them to feel loved too. I told our marriage counselor that my only problem was that I didn’t feel loved. She told me it was because my standards were too high (thanks mom). She told me that John was a wounded bird that needed to be held gently because I was too hard on him. I really wish I could tell her that I didn’t feel loved because he was with my friend on lunch breaks. Oh yea, I forgot that one-if you accidently see a text from your friend to your husband saying he has pretty eyes today-make the trip and tell her to back off.

I know it sounds like I blame here more than him-okay I do. Yes, he’s the one who betrayed me but I do think she had a plan. She worked on him and worked on him until he gave in a little. I hate that she could do that at work and wish that they could get in trouble. I loved where John worked. I told him before he even knew where Portland was that I hoped he would work where he does some day. I think that’s because this was all supposed to happen-it was. God wanted it to. It was in the plan. You may not see it- but I do. So if you know her.. Yes your husband should tell her to back off but I guarantee you that won’t stop her.

So now, it has been six months. Where am I? Well that depends on the day. Most days I am grateful and loving my simple life with my daughter. Other days I see something that reminds me of the past or the future I had in my head and I can’t take it. Im no longer upset all the time and I have a tremendous amount of hope. I’m still confused a lot but I’m moving on and just enjoying life. I had a very hard time at work with everything. I just couldn’t function for like two months. Or maybe I should say my ambition just plummeted. But I’m back to it busy as ever and excited about what we are doing. The best part has been the support. I’ve had quite a few people be there for me that I never would have thought would want to be involved. Many of my friendships have become stronger, and some acquaintances have become real friends that I now couldn’t imagine not being in my life.

On the flip side are the people who haven’t been there. That feel it didn’t happen to them so they don’t care. Or, they feel that it’s between us so they be friends with us both. I don’t get it-don’t have to-but don’t understand. I’ve just distanced myself from the people who don’t care enough to respect my feelings and who give him a pass. Don’t fool yourselves this tore my family to shreds. This will hurt forever. Maybe not as much but forever. And yes- people screw up and God forgives but he continues his actions. He told me that his mistress would be a better mom than me just a few weeks ago.

So- basically Loyal friends are the only type I want. Maybe they don’t understand how much this has hurt me-or hurt my whole family. It has also been hard to see my family broken. My mom loved John as her own son. She really did. He was part of our family. He was my brother and sister’s big brother. The hardest part is when I think about Kalli. I hate that this life I had planned out for her-worked so hard for her to have is not the same. I hate that she’s going to have to miss her daddy like I did. I hate that one day she is going to have to find out that her dad hurt her mom like he did. I know it will be hard on her. I pray every day that in the years between now and then that he can build a strong enough bond with her that it won’t shatter them. It’s hard to trust a man when you find out your own dad is not trustworthy. Integrity is so important. So if you’re reading this and knew me before john or with john and still hanging with him- yea that hurts me. I don’t hate you and will still be friends with you but you are choosing to show me where I stand in your life. I guarantee you- john likes about 5 people in this world and you’re probably not one of them. If he could destroy his family then don’t think for a second he would be there for you. If that’s okay- good- enjoy him. I went out with an old boyfriend a few months ago and he wanted to know my plan. He didn’t believe I didn’t have one. I can see that-I’ve been blessed to stay on the path I have wanted and decided on minus this “minor” bump. But, I really don’t have one. I do think that I’ll eventually sell the house and get something smaller. Apparently the right buyer hasn’t walked in yet. I also hope, and have faith, that this all will lead to something better. Yes, I hope it’s that love that some people are lucky enough to have. I thought I had it with some cracks. But, I think one day I’ll laugh when I think that I had “happiness.” For now, I am trying to work on my relationship with God. He has been there telling me that he has a plan for me. Reminding me that my job is to be strong and that just like John will have to tell her what he did-I will have to tell her how I handled it. John would say I have been terrible and that I’m awful. But, he cannot see some of the things I have thought about doing ha-ha. Yes, the devil is right there telling me to act in a way that won’t glorify Jesus. I’m not perfect, no-I dig all the time. But, God is working on me. God is good, he is there, and I know he can get us all through anything.

I will say aside from having a girlfriend who chose to adopt a child even though she was committing adultery- promising him a “forever home” - john has been a great dad. He went through the divorce only wanting time with Kalli and was fair. At first we tried to be friends but right now I have too hard of a time. My heart wants to love him and need him- my head tells me he’s terrible and that I hate him- so it’s very confusing. Maybe one day we will get there. I would say he will never be a deadbeat dad- but I never thought he would be a cheater. I PRAY he doesn’t hurt Kalli anymore. I’m hopeful that he will put being a parent first. So there it is-my own Lifetime story. I’m happy to sell the rights to the movie as long as Alysa Milano can play me, Melissa McCarthy can play Nutt, and someone SUPER ugly can play her. I know that’s mean-but God is still working on me:)