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mandochlorian · 3 months

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Try to Love Me, Honey Please

A/N: hello!! This is the first time I’m posting any fics on this account, so I’m pretty nervy 😵‍💫 but!!! I wrote this for the dear @tightjeansjavi and I decided I wanted to share it with the world. Likes and comments are appreciated 🥹🥹

Summary: Joel opens up to you about his pain after you’re injured.

Warnings: mentions of blood, sad!joel, mentions of death, angst, soft!joel

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The only sound heard was the crackle of the fire as Joel rewrapped the cut on your arm where you’d run into a glass door earlier in the day.

You hadn’t even realized you were bleeding until you reached for Ellie and found your hand covered in red. Joel had freaked, immediately rolling your soaked sleeve to reveal the moderately deep cut in your forearm. He sat you down and wrapped your arm as best as he could under the circumstances before the three of you continued forward to find shelter for the night.

Now, you sat beside the fire, watching joel as he cared for you. He hadn’t spoken a word since Ellie crawled into her sleeping bag and said goodnight, but you knew his mind was turning.

“Joel,” you started carefully.

He shook his head slightly. “Don’t.”

“Can’t help it. You’re thinking too loudly.” He chuckled dryly, which made you smile. “This wasn’t your fault y’know.”

“I should’ve clocked the clickers; you wouldn’t be hurt if I had.” He pulled away from you once the bandage was set, turning to face the fire.

“Hey,” you reached forward, resting your good arm on his shoulder. He didn’t shrug you off, a good sign. “I‘m okay. I’m not bit, it’s just a little cut.” When he didn’t respond, you leaned forward for his hand. “Joel, I’m right here. I’m okay.”

You knelt down beside him, searching his face for any signs of relief. You watched as he looked down at your entwined hands and squeezed yours gently.

“I’m not…good at this.” He paused, thinking. “I haven’t been good at this in a very long time.”

You nodded, brushing your lips against the back of his hand. “S’okay. I’m not expecting anything from you. Can I tell you something?”

“‘Course,” he offered.

“I was scared shitless back there. I still am. But you know what makes it better? You do. You protected me and Ellie, just like you do every god damn day. You can sit here and grumble about would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, but it doesn’t matter. You did it; you saved us. You’re the best fucking thing that has happened to me since this shit started twenty years ago.”

Joel ducked his head, attempting to hide his tears from you, but it was no use. You slid yourself into his lap, gently wiping away his tears with your thumbs.

“I-I’m so afraid of losing you, of losing Ellie,” he whispered, so quietly you almost couldn’t hear it over the sound of the fire. “Every time I close my eyes, it’s all I see. It…it changes every night too. Sometimes it’s infected, sometimes it’s a hunter.” He takes a deep breath, pausing. “O-one time it was me; I-I was the one who killed you. O-or I’m walking Ellie right into her death. I can’t escape it.”

You pulled his head against your chest when he finished, running a hand through his hair. “I wish I could take the dreams away. I’d sacrifice myself if I could.”

Joel sat up, eyes stern as he placed his hands on your shoulder, grip hard. “Don’t you dare say that.”

“It’s true. I’d sacrifice myself to take your pain away, Joel. Without a second thought.”

He shook his head, grip on you still tight. “I’d rather face every demon in my dreams if it meant I got to wake up to you every morning.”

You kissed him then, soft and languid. Joel kissed you back, moving his arms around your waist to hold you closer. Your hands gripped the collar of his jacket, tugging him against you.

When you finally pulled away, Joel followed your lips, stealing another kiss. “Will you come to bed with me,” he whispered.

“All you had to do was ask,” you smiled sweetly, removing yourself from his lap and standing. Joel didn’t let go of you as he stood and let you toward his sleeping bag a few feet away. You let him climb in first before you followed, resting your head on his chest.

Once you zipped the bag shut, Joel turned on his side, back facing you. In response, you wrapped your arm around his middle, placing a soft kiss between his shoulder blades. Joel hummed in response, which made you smile.

“Goodnight, Joel,” you whispered.

“Night,” he mumbled, sleep already calling to him.

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mandochlorian · 3 months

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“Breathe” -Joel Miller

Summary: You have a panic attack, and you’re all alone. You need someone, and the only person you can think of is the grumpiest, most intimidating man at the QZ, Joel Miller.

Pairing: Fem!reader x Joel Miller

Contains: Pre-Ellie, you and Joel are at the QZ, <TW: sa attempt, but nothing happens> panic attacks, anxiety, soft!joel, comfort, angst, fluff of course, you and Joel's relationship can be romantic or platonic whatever you prefer, you have a tragic backstory sorry :(

A/N: Hello beautiful people!! First of all, I just wanted to thank you guys for all the love for my other fics!! I really appreciate you guys!! Secondly, panic attacks fucking suck, and this fic is what I would imagine if Joel Miller was there to provide comfort. I hope this gives healing to anyone who needs it. I hope you guys enjoy!! :-)

“Sweet precious girl. I got you. You’re safe,” Joel mumbled in your hair.

You held onto him tightly as well as grasping onto his shirt. His big arms were just around you, gently swaying you from side to side. You were shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. You couldn’t think, you couldn’t breathe. You felt you were suffocating.

“I’m- I’m sor- sorry. I’m sorry,” you sobbed. This was all you could manage to say. You felt like a fucking burden. Joel tightens your hug bringing you closer to him.

“Shhhh. No, baby. Don’t apologize.”

It's happening again.

Your cloudy thoughts and bad memories have taken over your physical body. It feels like they have possessed you. You started trembling and panting. The world feels like it's ending and collapsing. Your chest slowly brews into a tremendous amount of pain, feeling like you're having a heart attack, and you feel like you can't catch your breath. Everything seems like it's closing in on you, and you feel like you're dying.

I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying.

You were in your room at the QZ and desperately needed someone. Someone to hold you, protect you, and tell you everything is going to be okay. You did not have any friends or family. It was just you. It has always been just you. You lived by yourself at the QZ. Your family died a long time ago, leaving you. Witnessing their deaths in front of you has haunted you ever since. You needed someone, anyone. You couldn't even think straight. Your mind and heart are going 200 miles per hour. You started pacing around your room bumping into your furniture. Tears started streaming down your face.

"God, help me. God, please, please," you panted.

You thought of anyone you could go to at the QZ, and the one person you can think of is Joel Miller. He looked scary and mean and looked like he could break you like a twig, but you know he had a good heart. You and Joel have a complicated relationship.

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Your first interaction was back when you were a new member at the QZ, and as you were walking at night, a man followed you back to your place and jumped you.

"What do you think you're doing out here so late beautiful?" the man slurred his words giving you an unsettling grin.

You immediately panicked. He held you on the ground, and you felt helpless. You were screaming for help, and not even 5 seconds later a big broad man came and threw him off you. You thought it was one of the soldiers who heard your cries, but it turned out to be a normal-looking civilian. It was Joel Miller. Joel fought him and beat him up effortlessly. The man fell to the ground on his back, and Joel punched him over and over again. It felt like it lasted forever. The man was a bloody mess, you could barely recognize his face anymore. Joel then grabs onto the front of the man's bloody shirt.

"If I ever see you touch her again or anyone else here, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand me?" Joel snarled. The man was barely conscious and didn't respond.

"I SAID DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME?!" Joel yells at the man's face. Hearing him yell that loudly made you flinch a little. The man could barely speak, but he let out a noise letting Joel know he understood. And with that, Joel gives him a final punch knocking him out cold. Joel was panting heavily with bloody fists and looked up at you. You felt like you should be frightened by him, but you weren't. You felt safe, protected, and you never felt that way in your entire life. You didn't know him, but you wanted to be near him always.

"Go home," Joel commands to you. You just look at him, not even moving. You just wanted to stay with him.

"NOW!" he yelled. You immediately got up and ran back to your place as fast as you could not looking back.

Ever since that night, you always stayed near wherever Joel was. You felt like a stalker, but it made you feel secure being close to him. You had no one, and even if you guys have never talked, you felt like you had him in an odd way.

Joel is very observant, so when he realized you were always within his distance, which he found out pretty quickly, he walked up to you without any warning.

"Why do you keep following me?" Joel asked. His voice was low and gruff. Seeing him close up to you made you realize just how bigger he was than you. He looked intimidating and was definitely a man to stay away from, but he didn't scare you. His confrontation was a shock to you, and you didn't really know what to say.

"I- I- um," you stuttered. Joel raises one of his eyebrows to you waiting for an answer.

"I just," you put your head down not being able to meet his eyes. "I don't know," you said quietly.

"Tell me." He was not going to leave you alone until he got an answer.

You still couldn't make eye contact with him.

"You just... make me feel safe," you answered him with a tint of blush appearing on your cheeks because you were embarrassed. You looked up at him, and when you saw his eyes, they softened. Joel then gives a sigh.

"I have my own shit I need to take care of. This place is fucked up, and I can't protect you always. You know that, right? You were only just lucky I was around that night," Joel tells you. You understand where he was coming from. You didn't even know him, and he didn't know you. You just need to be more careful and find a way to protect yourself.

You give him a small nod and tell him, "I understand. I'm sorry I was following you."

"No, it's fine darlin'. Just don't depend on me," Joel tells you.

Darlin'.

He then backs away from you ready to leave.

"Well, I'll see ya around." Joel then turns and walks away, but you didn't want that to be your final interaction with him.

"Wait," you say making him turn back to you.

"Can we maybe... get to know each other at least?" you asked. You were hoping to build some sort of relationship with him. Joel looked hesitant. He definitely looked like a very damaged closed-off man, and you wouldn't be surprised if he refused and pushed you away. Joel looked at you longingly. He was ready to say no, but he saw you as a scared lonely girl and almost felt sorry for you. It was like leaving a stray kitten to live on its own without taking it home. He finally gave in and sighed loudly.

"Fine. We can," Joel replied and then walked away. You grew a small smile. You finally have a person to talk to, and ever since, you had a complicated relationship with a complicated man.

~~~~~~~~~

Joel. Joel. Joel. You needed Joel. He was the only person who could make you feel better. Your chest was still killing you, and you still felt like you couldn't breathe. You ran out of your door pacing to Joel's place. Everything felt like it was spinning, and you couldn't really decipher where you were going. You were running into people, not caring that you were. The only priority was getting to Joel.

After a while, you finally arrived at Joel's place and frantically knocked on his door multiple times. You were still freaking out and panicking and every second Joel doesn't answer the door you would panic even more.

Please be there, please be there, please be there.

The door then swung open and there he was. Without warning him or asking permission, you just go past him going inside his place. You were pacing not knowing how to think or what to say. You then looked at Joel, and he looked very concerned at your state.

"Hey, hey. What's wrong, sweetheart?" Joel asked softly.

Sweetheart.

You never heard his voice this soft before. He was always so grumpy and brooding, so it was different hearing him this way. You couldn't even speak.

"I- I- I. I can't. I can't. Joel-" you panted. You ran your hands through your hair uncontrollably, and you were out of breath. You didn't know what to do. Joel then got closer to you. He wanted to touch you and comfort you, but he wanted to be careful and not upset you even more.

"Okay, breathe. Breathe. You're okay, baby. Just breathe," Joel tells you.

Baby.

You couldn't breathe. It was still so hard to do.

"I- I can't. Joel, I can't bre- breathe," you whimpered, gasping for air. Joel still tries to reassure you. He may not know exactly what is going on with you, but he may have an idea. He knows a panic attack when he sees one because he gets panic attacks too. He knows the feeling.

"Hey, it's okay. Look at me. Just breathe with me, okay? Breathe in 1...2...3...4, and hold it. You got it," Joel tells you. Even though it felt impossible to breathe, you listened to him and attempted to breathe in, but you just couldn't.

"I- I ca- can't Joel. I can't. I'm dying. I think I'm- I'm dying," you panted. You still felt panicked, and the horrible feeling would just not go away. On top of that, your chest was still killing you. Joel then leans down reaching eye level and holds your face gently with his rough hands.

"You're not dying," Joel reassures you.

"Are- are you s-sure?" you whimpered.

"I promise, sweetheart. You're just having a panic attack. I get ‘em too. You're going to be okay. Just try again with me. Breathe in 1...2...3...4," Joel tells you, and he's breathing in, trying to show you how to breathe. You tried again, and you started to breathe in for 4 seconds as he was telling you. You hold in your breath.

"Atta girl. Now, breathe out for 1...2...3...4," Joel says, and he is breathing out with you. You felt his thumb softly caress your cheek, which made you feel calm down just a little bit.

"You're doing so good baby. Let's do this again. Breathe in for 1...2...3...4, and hold for 1...2...3...4." You did as he says, and slowly started to calm down. You guys repeated this about 6 more times, and you felt yourself relaxing. Your chest was still hurting you, but you felt like you could breathe again. Joel looks at you softly while tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

"You okay, darlin'?" Joel asks. You couldn't help yourself, but you just broke down. Tears started streaming down your face. You hated this feeling. It was fucking horrible, and you genuinely thought you were dying. Seeing you like this broke Joel's heart.

"Oh, babygirl. C'mere. C'mere," Joel says softly. He then embraces you into his chest hugging you. You hug him back, not ever wanting him to let go. For the first time in your life, you finally felt safe. You felt safe in his arms. You just sobbed onto his chest.

“Sweet precious girl. I got you. You’re safe,” Joel mumbled in your hair.

“I’m- I’m sor- sorry. I’m sorry,” you sobbed. This was all you could manage to say. You felt like a fucking burden. Joel tightens your hug bringing you closer to him.

“Shhhh. No, baby. Don’t apologize.”

You just held onto him, while he held onto you. You had never seen him be so gentle before. It makes you wonder what Joel was like before the outbreak. Was he sweet or was he mean? He never talked about his past. Every time you would ask about him, he would always brush it off or just stay silent. You knew he was going to be a complicated man from the very beginning, and you felt like you would never figure him out.

Minutes have gone by, and Joel was still holding onto you, not daring to let you go until you felt better. Your cries slowly started to quiet down, and your chest pain faded away. Feeling Joel holding you felt like no one and nothing could ever hurt you because he's there. You knew he wouldn't let anything happen to you, even if he didn't want to admit it. Joel noticed you stopped shaking, and your sobs started to die down. He stopped holding you and held your face. He gently wipes your tears with his thumbs and looks at you with his soft eyes.

"You want to stay here tonight?" Joel asks. You never thought he would ask that. He never let you stay over. He would always kick you out when the sun goes down. You were taken aback by his question, but you wanted to stay with him. You always wanted to stay with him. You give a small nod, looking at him with your big red puffy eyes.

"Yes."

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Thank you all for reading!! I hope you all enjoyed!! 💋

Check out my other fics if you guys would like to read them! -->

"The Wolf and the Lamb" -Javier Peña (+18)

"Untouchable" - Javier Peña

Javier Peña as your boyfriend pt. 1

Javier Peña as your boyfriend pt. 2

Javier Peña as your boyfriend pt. 3

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