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We looked inside some of the posts by mandraspair and here's what we found interesting.
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my bed fucking broke in the new flat 😭 tomorrow a repair guy is supposed to come but it needs replacing of a side board not a quick repair
also I am terrified of someone perceiving and judging how I leave and all my things out there. I should clean but I'm so depressed lately.
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it's not normal to shout at me when I'm just asking if she feels better now, right? and it's so scary because she is so nice and bubbly and suddenly I say something wrong and she gets so mad.
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the worst thing is that I would want to be a good Christian. but it's considered lies of this world to believe that you are worth it. it's all about moving the worth from yourself to god and being, like, he in his grace chose to love me despite me being flawed. and I believed most of my life that I am so bad and not enough to deserve anything. now I know I always think in extremes because of my trauma. but how am I meant to believe he chose to die for me if I don't believe I am worth it? not because of something I did, despite it. I need to have some worth in god's eyes to consider saving me right? I don't want to lose Christianity because it makes me feel safe, quite the opposite actually. I feel like I need to make everyone happy, god included.
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I'm so scared of my housemate that I just want to skip the time they are home.... because I am terrified to do anything they would be able to hear
tw gross
the guy leaves fully-dirty toilet after he poops. and he doesn't wash his hands. it exhausts me mentally so.much because I feel like I should not care. I definitely shouldn't clean after him. but I hate it, I hate it so much, and I feel sickened when I need to use this dirty toilet.
I want to fucking die. I can't be present and do stuff when all I want is to forget I exist
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I want for once in my life something to feel easy and me not feeling guilty about it everything is so hard and I can be like you are simply not trying hard enough and give up so it must be easy but it's not!!! it's actually very much not. I fucking hate myself for what I want because it is contradictory and I am always in fucking fear always escaping and feeling like I'm dying I should try hardder
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I hate my body I hate that itch everywhere I hate that I have no one to fix the band aid on my back because I so fucking alone
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I can fail at school right they won't kick me out I'll just study for the retakes and I can just focus rn on trying to not be suicidal because why
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why can't I hurt myself enough for it to be enough to make up for all my fault....... why the forgiveness is so hard
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I know I'm stupid because many people can't afford to go to the doctor and I have it for free.... I don't have an excuse I just want to die
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making the decision to actively harm myself by not going to the doctor because I am too comfy and cozy in my bed. I don't know why my brain works like this. but I for the life of me don't care about the consequences...
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the immense fear of everyone leaving because I don't meet what they expect of me or I disappoint them. the familiar weight of guilt and the need to run faster and faster, to always try harder, to achieve what feels like inhumaine, simply because I can't make them leave me. I don't want to be alone. even though I am alone all the time. or am I lonely? I can't do it, I know it, but I am more scared than anything
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like I don't think I am a mean person but I am polish and I was raised in a family where sharp words are the highest praise and everything always is said with layers of irony. so I think I am sometimes mean unintentionally...
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constantly scared I'm too overbearing what if I am being too intense for them what if my care doesn't match their needs and it's too much for them...... what if I am too much
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world seems so much more manageable when I don't go outside. it's contained to my little flat and my little room.
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