mandyjaeger

[mandyjaeger]

My Story

I don’t think anyone is going to read this but I just need to say it somewhere, so here we go. 

I’ve been vegetarian since I think seventh grade. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact, vegetarianism is quite healthy. The thing is, you have to find the nutrients elsewhere. I never did. I just ate whatever I wanted and assumed I would be okay.

I like to stay busy and I like to perform. This was easy for me at a performing arts high school. My senior year I was on Student Council, our improv troupe, Performing Arts Company, the competitive and performance ballroom team, Shakespeare Company, and in the two straight plays as well as the musical. 

My eating habits were terrible. I ate maybe a couple Clif Bars a day, if even that. I just got stressed and either didn’t have time to eat, or just didn’t want to. My teacher found out about my daily diet and started bringing me more and more snacks that he knew I’d eat. So everyday I was in his classroom, getting protein bars and candy bars and Cheez-Its. I didn’t even think about how little I was eating, it never occurred to me just how unhealthy I was being. 

I started having random stomach pains during my junior year (which was very similar to my senior). We couldn’t figure out what was going on though. Sometimes I would eat and my stomach would just ache, with very little patterns. We thought I might be lactose intolerant, but that wasn’t it. We thought it was just anxiety, but it was obviously something more. Finally, senior year, we decided it must be my gall bladder. My dad had his removed just months earlier and it was an extremely common thing in my family. So we went and got an ultrasound done, and it showed nothing. Absolutely nothing. But I just kept living life, hoping we’d figure it out eventually. 

I was doing fine and managing everything surprisingly well, until April. The showcase that Performing Arts Company (PAC) had been working on was combined with the ballroom concert. This doesn’t sound like a big deal until you realize that I was in seven out of the eleven songs in PAC, and then in twelve out of the fourteen ballroom numbers. I spent two hours straight singing, dancing, and quick changing. 

I was exhausted and felt sick the week leading up to it, but I thought it was just because it was a long show and I was just tired. It wasn’t until our dress rehearsal that I realized I was not okay. In the second to last number, I began to cry and lose focus in my vision. My legs just seemed to stop working. I barely made it through and once we got offstage my partner took me to the drinking fountain and sat me down. I was shaking and crying and I couldn’t move. My friend ran to get my boyfriend, who ran sound for the show. Everyone went on for the finale and I sat backstage, barely responsive. My boyfriend helped me walk, took me outside, helped me catch my breath, and held me while I shook violently in his arms. 

Every night after that number, I stood backstage in tears, shaking and grabbing the wall for support. But I did it. I finished every night. 

Then I graduated on May 16, 2019. 

My first plans of summer: Disneyland with PAC. We were going to perform and take workshops, while also spending three days in the park. On the first day, we stopped at IHOP for breakfast. Next thing I know I’m throwing up in the Disneyland bathroom. I spent the next three days feeling sick to my stomach, lightheaded, and cold. All the moms on the trip had plenty of supplements to help me get through, so I survived and really did enjoy the trip. But I got home and knew something was really wrong.

My mom and I talked to my doctor again and we decided to schedule a HIDA scan for my gall bladder. The test would cost $1000, and if it showed that there were issues, I’d need to get my gall bladder removed. The test was set for May 30. 

More conversations with my doctor led to us canceling the HIDA scan because of an unexpected diagnosis: based on my diet, he believes I unintentionally gave myself anorexia. 

Looking at the symptoms it all makes sense. I’ve stopped eating, because if I eat anything my stomach tries to kill me. I’ve lost weight. I’m always freezing, wearing hoodies and long sleeves in 100 degree weather. I’ve never felt more weak. Just so fragile, and heavy. I’m sleeping more than I ever have. I stand up and the room spins. My head aches constantly.

I went to the lake yesterday with friends. I jumped in once and within one minute I was out of breath and getting back onto the rocks. I ate ice cream and cookies and then threw it all up with the bathroom blurry. Every night I end up collapsed in my boyfriend’s arms, barely able to think. 

I’m getting my blood test in an hour and I’m meeting with the dietician on Monday. I’m going to be okay. And soon I’m going to eat a huge meal, full of pasta and cheese and bread. Then I’m going to eat a whole carton of ice cream by myself. And I’m not going to throw up. I’m not going to curl into a ball on my bed crying. I’m not going to pass out. I’m going to smile and laugh and have fun with my friends. I’m going to go swimming and actually swim. I’m going to do a single sit up with out having to lay down for twenty minutes after. I’m going to live my life again. 

It might take awhile, and it’s going to be a process, but I’m going to be okay. And if anyone else out there is struggling with this, you’ll be okay too. We got this.