manhattanmusings

[manhattanmusings]

Black Lives Matter.

No amount of oppression in our own communities can ever diminish that. 

Black people struggle so much to be heard, for rights that are given to us for free: to receive basic human respect, to get the same treatment as everyone else, and to not have the color of their skin speak for themselves. This very country was built on the blood sweat and tears of Black folx and the only thing we have given them in return is a fear of living in this country simply because they are Black. 

ALL Asians are privileged. We may face oppression, but we do not fear for our lives every time we step out. People might attack us with slurs and stereotyping, but we are also able to enjoy opportunities and experiences offered to white people while Black people are denied those same opportunities. We can choose to remain silent and side with the oppressors because it is easier, more comfortable, and because we are welcome there. That alone is a privilege. 

We do not get to ride the POC caboose when it helps us and ignore how we as a demographic and as individuals have actively or passively contributed to anti-Black racism. We do not get to share a cute little graphic on our story and deflect any blame for how fucked up this system is. We benefit from the same system that harms Black people everyday. It is on us to amplify the voices that were previously silenced. That is how we should use our privilege.

Asians and the n-word. It has been used to oppress and otherize Black folx and now is nobody else’s word but theirs to reclaim. If you are someone who used to throw it around and stopped, ask yourself if it’s because you are afraid of the consequences when you get caught or if it’s because you truly recognize why you are not allowed to use that word, ever. Not in a song, not when your Black friend gives you a pass, not when you're “just joking” or using it to mean “friend,” never. Even if your Black friends are okay with it, we should not be. It is up to us to learn about and respect the history and implications that are tied to it. It is not “just a word.” It is a symbol that has been snatched out the hands of the oppressors and reclaimed by its rightful owners. 

Change does not come about if we sit on our asses and tweet and donate. It comes when we actively show our support by showing up and showing out for the community, calling out our friends, and constantly educating ourselves and the people around us. Black people do not have to thank us. They do not have to appreciate us, or even see us. It is our duty as non-Black POC to protect and advocate for our Black friends by using the privilege we were given. It is the bare minimum. It is human empathy. 

My heart hurts for George Floyd, Eric Garner, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Tamir Rice, Samuel Dubose, Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Terrence Crutcher, Philando Castile, Sandra Bland, Michael Noel, Kevin Matthews, Leroy Browning, Michael Lee Marshall, and the countless other innocent Black men and women who have been killed at the hands of white supremacy and police brutality.

Say their names. Learn their stories.

Cops do not protect. They surveille. They target, profile, m*rder, and get away with it. We owe nothing to a system that has failed us. They are not on our side. We must fight together to dismantle the system that has not upheld its promise us, and betrays us everyday. 

Black lives matter. 

No amount of oppression to our own communities can ever diminish that.

[manhattanmusings]

jean’s guide to life

a cumulative list of things i’ve learned during my time on earth.

always help others, especially when they don’t ask for it. you never know what they’re going through.

chemistry might seem promising, but history is etched in stone. know your loyalties and don’t leave something gold behind for something shiny. only one of them has value when the sun sets.

spotify shuffle knows best.

if you know, you know. and if you don’t know, it’s a no.

admit when you’re in the wrong. sometimes the most stubborn person to argue with is yourself.

don’t take things personally. it’s not always about you.

be aware of how you feel and act depending on the weather.

tell people how you feel about them.

patience is a virtue, but your time is valuable. don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t respect it.

trauma doesn’t always have to leave permanent damage. learn from it. grow from it.

listen to others when they speak. don’t just hear them; really listen.

sometimes people don’t want advice. they just want someone to tell them it’s gonna be okay.

hierarchy of decision-making authority: gut > head > heart. if you have to think about it, trust your head. if your instinct is telling you something, trust your gut. emotions are volatile, turbulent, and temporary.

it’s better to pity than to hate.

travel the world.

be open-minded. it doesn’t hurt to try, at least once. you never know!

read. not just fiction; read about the world. read the news, read about history, read about philosophy, read about other people’s experiences. you’ll learn a lot more than you’d think.

the only thing people want to hear is the truth. “sugarcoating” is just a nice way of saying “lying.”

make eye contact. people crave connection, even if it isn’t physical.

don’t judge a person until you’ve lived their life.

it’s not your job to fix people.

don’t avoid, deny, or erase your flaws — embrace them. they probably aren’t noticeable to anyone else. in fact, they might be the very reasons people like you.

money is the most easily replaceable thing in the world.

know what you want. and if you don’t know — figure it out asap.

don’t overthink or read too deep. a lot of the time, the answer you’re looking for is the one that seems most obvious.

seek connections that rupture your paradigm. 

[manhattanmusings]

parting remarks

as the year draws to a close, i have a few things to get off my chest.

as i mentioned before, 2018 has been the best year of my life for many reasons. second semester senior year, summer in asia, and my first semester of college were all cumulatively so fucking amazing in so many ways and i thought i’d just take some time to reflect on what i’ve learned and how i’ve grown through it all.

i think this year, i truly learned who my true, best friends are. without necessarily cutting people off, i definitely narrowed my social circle down to those who i can wholeheartedly trust and depend on, and who i can be 100% myself around. i didn’t even mean to do it; it kinda happened naturally. especially during such stressful times like college application and results season, it became clear who i should keep around and who i can afford to slowly drift away from. that being said, i’m pretty happy to say that the crowd of people i consider my true friends has remained pretty big, and that just goes to show how many fucking awesome people i have in my life. these are people who i wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, and throughout this year have really contributed to my personal growth and self-fulfillment. 

this year i also learned more about myself than ever. i realized that in order to improve upon myself, i have to be honest with myself, and i can’t be afraid of change. looking back at myself in previous years, namely throughout the first half of 2017, i was definitely super problematic and anxious. i let my emotions get the best of me, and it affected not only my relationships with other people, but also my academic performance, mental health, and self-esteem. it was a vicious cycle of pitiful self-loathing and the subsequent pushing away of those who couldn’t handle my emo-ness. i’m not proud of who i was during that time, and i’m glad that i was able to identify my personal issues and take active measures to address them in 2018. moving into the next four years of school was a chance for me to take my newfound personality and positive mindset into a new environment, around new people, and see how it worked out. and i gotta say, it was pretty successful. 2018 was almost entirely unproblematic, and in fact i reconciled with more people than ever.

i’ve come to believe that life is all about finding the perfect balance between caring for yourself and caring for others. once that balance is achieved, there’s pretty much no doubt that you’ll be happy. it was a long time coming, but i think i’m getting pretty close to achieving that balance. self-care is something that i learned to do pretty well this year, whether it means sleeping in, doing a facemask, painting my nails, playing guitar, hanging out with my sister, reading a good book, or just listening to my favorite song. taking a few minutes to take care of myself and recuperate whenever i needed it definitely helped me cope with the additional stress of college decisions during spring and transitioning into my new environment at nyu this fall. because i was able to take care of myself and be the best version of myself that i could be, i was then able to extend that care to others. i used to be too caught up in my own problems to be a beacon of positivity for others, but now that i’m content with where i am in life and know how to fix it when i’m not content, i can afford to be a pillar of support and happiness for those around me. 

of course, an essential part of this balancing act is making sure that taking care of other people and catering to their wants and needs does not take away from doing things for myself. in terms of academics, i think i still have a lot to improve. i definitely let my social life take precedence over my academic priorities this semester, and although in the end it didn’t do too much damage to my gpa, that’s one thing i’d like to get better at for next year. for everything else though -- extracurriculars, mental health, personal hobbies -- i think i finally learned how not to let my social life overshadow those aspects of my life. i achieved a lot of personal goals: making the nyu mock trial team, becoming a part of student government, finally writing decent music, and even starting up this blog again. and it’s all because i learned that sometimes, i do need to put myself first.

i’m proud of who i’ve become this past year. and i’m thankful for everyone and everything that’s allowed me to grow as much as i did. 

on to bigger and better things!

[manhattanmusings]

end of year gratitude

2018 has arguably been the best year of my adolescence, and there are innumerable reasons to be grateful.

first and foremost, i’m grateful for my health. i’m grateful to be able-bodied, and to wake up looking forward to enjoying my day instead of worrying if i’ll make it back alive. i’m grateful to not have any serious allergies, or chronic diseases, or sexually transmitted infections. i’m grateful to have all four limbs and all ten fingers so i can write and play instruments and braid my hair and hug my sister. 

i’m grateful for my parents. parents who support me and my academic and extracurricular endeavors, and who constantly show me love even from across the country. parents who send me care packages when i’m homesick and hungry, and are cool with me drinking and going out and hooking up, but know how to discipline me and keep me in check. parents who are youthful and healthy, who encourage me to enjoy life, and who know how to enjoy life themselves.

i’m grateful for my younger sister. for a sister who looks up to me and respects me. for one who i get along with really fucking well. for one that i can actually call my friend and not just an annoying appendage. for a sister who is successful and happy and that i am so incredibly proud of always. 

i’m grateful for my adolescent experience. for living in such an amazing city like irvine and growing up in a beautiful neighborhood like turtle rock. for being able to go to the beach and the city and disneyland all in one day if i wanted to. for going to a high school that made me love my classmates, teachers, and learning. for a place that i can call home and actually be excited to go back to every break. for memories and friendships that i will cherish through the rest of my adulthood. 

i’m grateful for my college experience. going to school in new york has been the greatest blessing and it’s crazy to think it almost didn’t happen. i’m grateful for the city, for the unbeatable nyu education, for being able to still participate in mock trial and music, and for all the crazy wonderful people i’ve met. i’m grateful to live on fifth avenue in such a quaint and beautiful area like the village. i’m grateful that i even get to have a college education, and that my family can afford to send me to a school like nyu in a place like nyc. i’m grateful to say that i actually enjoy college, and that i don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. i’m grateful that i love my majors, and genuinely enjoy learning in each and every class that i take. 

i’m grateful for my bestest friends shaden, alex, izzy, anna, ethan, derek, eric, caitlin, gideon, yoojin, addison, christine, and jeremy. everyone says i can’t have more than one best friend, but all of these individuals have entered my life and genuinely shaped the person i am in so many different and unique ways that i cannot possible rank them. i am so fucking grateful to have so many genuine, hilarious, kindhearted, generous, understanding, supportive, and loving friends in my life who make every day such a fucking blessing. i literally cannot put into words how much these people mean to me, and how lucky i am to have them in my life. i honestly would not be where i am right now, both physically and mentally, if it weren’t for them. i don’t deserve them. 

i’m grateful for being here. 

i’m grateful for being happy.

[manhattanmusings]

coffee and tea in nyc

new york city is brimming with quaint, low-key cafes that are perfect for a productive afternoon alone, or a cute date with your significant other. here are some of my favorites.

note: this list is cumulative -- i will continue to add to it whenever i find noteworthy cafes in the city. stay tuned!

1. outro nyc

location: 816 broadway

what to order: bacon avo eggytoast + iced matcha latte

the interior decor and ambience of this place is so wonderful. lush greenery lines the white exposed brick walls, vintage hanging bulbs offer great lighting, and there’s plenty of seating space from an enclosed bar to a comfy couch to small wooden tables for two. 

though it is on the pricier side, the quality of food and drinks is excellent. i ordered the bacon avo eggytoast, which was absolutely delicious. i loved cutting the toast and being surprised by the runny yolk. the matcha latte was also really good, not too sweet but perfectly refreshing. 

in general, the close location and the beautiful interior decor is ideal for a nice quiet study session. i will definitely be coming back here to get some work done next semester. 

2.  cha cha matcha

location: 373 broome st. + 1158 broadway

what to order: matcha croissant + iced purple drink

cha cha matcha has quickly become one of my favorite cafes in the city. bright pink and green decor and its sunny, happy vibe remind me so much of home. in fact, i wrote two ethnographic papers for my anthropology class about this place. i just love the concept so much, and i’m such a huge matcha fanatic that i’ve brought almost all my visiting friends to cha cha matcha. 

one of my favorite things about cha cha is the fact that their menu is so creative and constantly changing. they’re definitely very health-conscious and use high quality ingredients in their drinks. i think my personal favorite so far is the purple drink, which is a lavender latte infused with cbd! you can also get it with a shot of matcha, which is an additional dollar, but definitely worth it if you want that umami flavor that matcha offers. 

i could go on and on about cha cha matcha, but i’ll leave you with a pro tip life hack: go to cha cha matcha on broome st. right before they close, because they’ll give you free pastries. they always throw away their fresh baked goods at the end of every day, so they will give them away for free if you’re lucky enough! 

3. 

[manhattanmusings]

orange candy

take me back to where the ocean sings and the clouds look like mom’s old knit sweater

and the only sound you can hear on a saturday morning is the whisper of the sun hitting your back

and where you listen to your favorite old time tunes

sour sweet orange candy in your mouth squeezing your cheeks from the inside

skipping down the stone laid path to the park where you had your last kiss

on the swings where you last said you loved someone and meant it

on the tickly grass field where you’d daydream with your eyes open laying next to the boy who somehow turned into a man

and you didn’t even notice until that moment

his prickly peach fuzz and the cut thats now faded into a scar on his forehead

a wrinkly remnant of the childhood innocence and carefree afternoons you once took for granted

everything has changed it seems

but even though its an octave deeper

his laughter sounds the same

the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles

or his eyebrows furl when you say a bad joke

is just as you remembered since you first moved to

where the ocean sings and the clouds look like moms old knit sweater

and the only sound you can hear on a saturday morning is the whisper of the sun hitting your back

[manhattanmusings]

december 10, 2018

when does your childhood end?

when you ring your neighbors doorbell for the last time asking if they wanna play outside?

when your ball flies over the fence and you don’t bother to find it?

when the sound of the ice cream truck doesn’t make you want to go outside anymore?

when does your childhood end?

when you throw your graduation cap and hang your diploma on the wall?

when you blow out eighteen candles surrounded by friends instead of family?

when your clothes are taken off by a boy for the first time and your body is no longer sacred?

when you pop your first bottle of champagne? or your last carton of orange juice?

when does your childhood end?

when your home address has a different zip code than your parents?

when you don’t have to ask for permission to sleep at a friends house?

when you have to turn off your own lights, or cut your own fruit, or fold your own clothes?

when you have to pay for toothpaste and socks, and work double shifts just to have some food on the table and enough leftover for a 24-pack of beers?

when your bad days can’t be fixed with a hug and a chocolate covered strawberry they saved in the fridge just for you?

when lungs inflate with smoke instead of laughter

when eyes cry tears of frustration and anger and self disappointment

when mouths sigh after another fruitless night of walking and talking in circles

when pain amplifies from the inside

and your bruises and scars arent from the bully who pushed you and kicked you on the playground

just because his childhood ended before yours?

when did his childhood end?

[manhattanmusings]

home (n): unknown

the definition of home has always been a sort of grey area for me.

i was born in seoul, south korea, and lived there for four years before moving to america. my earliest memories take place in a small 2-bedroom apartment in apgujeong-dong, being babysat by my grandparents, and playing with my cousins. in fact, most of my family still lives there.

seoul was the first place i ever considered home. 

moving to irvine, california, it took me a while to come to terms with my new life. sure, we had a nice house with a grass yard and a white picket fence. i went to a private christian school/day-care for most of my pre-elementary years, and all of my friends were white. it was almost like i was one of them.

yet, deep down inside, something was always missing. and that fact really hit home (pun unintended) when my family’s green card status was threatened in the later months of my fifth grade year. my dad had to move to korea, and my mom had to take on a job she didn’t like in order to maintain our visa status and reside lawfully in america. though i don’t remember much, i do remember the tense, sleepless nights and nervous visits to the immigration offices during those days. 

that’s when i first realized that america will never really be “home” for me. 

the truth is, i don’t look like i belong here. sure, i dress the same and talk the same as everyone else, but i’m very obviously Other. in a country where people of color are made more visible when placed in front of a stark white background, i felt invisible. the microaggressive comments. the stereotypes and snide jokes. the sheer lack of representation in the media. especially since the election and inauguration of our current president, i don’t remember a time when i felt completely comfortable in my own skin.

it wasn’t until senior year that i finally started to feel like irvine was home for me. i began to yearn for the beautiful honey gold sunsets on the waters of corona del mar beach. for the palm trees that lined every street. for the stone-laid paths and winding hiking trails that led to incomparable scenic look outs and view points. 

it wasn’t just the town itself. the people i had surrounded myself with -- some since i had first moved to america -- started to feel more like family than friends. i could show my worst sides to them and not worry about them leaving me. i could laugh and cry and vent to them for hours, and they could do the same to me. i made deep, long-lasting connections with people that made all those years of feeling like an outsider so incredibly worth it.

and those connections made it that much harder for me to leave irvine behind this past fall.

moving to new york, i knew that i not only had to take my very first step into the journey that is this new chapter of my life, but i had to do it alone. alone and without the friends that i had come to love over fifteen years, the family that had supported me through everything, and the gorgeous california views that i had only just become comfortable with. i had to make a new version of home, and be the only resident.

i’m still making myself at home.