mantd

[mantd]

I opened by eyes. Or were they already open?

The air smelled moist - almost like petrichor, the smell of the earth after a soft rain. But where was I? I could see nothing, just a blackness. Nothingness. No objects. I could not even see my limbs in front of me.

*Snapped finers*

Out of thin air, appeared a dark figure. Every neuron in my mind fired all at once, driven by that deeper and darker place, the reptilian brain. My hairs stood up. My pupils dialated. I wanted to yell, and opened my mouth, my tounge anchoring to the bottom of my mouth, allowing for the sounds of my yelling to fill the space.

Yet nothing came out of my throat. Instead, the fear response transitioned, and I took three steps backward quickly, placed my hands in front of my body, almost falling back.

"Now, now," the figure said slyly, "there's nothing to be afraid of here. I don't bite."

It took a few more seconds for me to begin to have more control over my speech, and for the blood to return to the upper part of my brain. Stuttering, gutteral sounds began to appear out of my mouth.

"W....Wh...Who...Who are you?!?"

I asked.

"And where am I? What is this place?"

The smell of panic overtook the room like hot air.

"Where you are is rather hard to describe. You are here, yet you are everywhere. You are at a place some may call mystical, some may call spiritual. It goes by many names, and has been described by many people over long periods of time. Yet not many have visited. Which is rather strange, now that I think about it."

"Please," I asked, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I looked at the figure again, and back around me, somewhere, into the eclipsing darkeness around me.

"The last thing I remember was being at home, my wife and dog asleep in the other room. And then"

"I'm not sure, I just, ended up here. I must be dreaming. Why, I want to wake up. Maybe stiffing my body or breathing loud will help me to get up." I stiffened by body and just as I was about to start breathing, the shadow raised his hand, in a concilliatory gesture.

"Now now, relax, all that may only make you constipated. Let me help you out. I am inside you, yet I also lie within others. I also live within other things."

The small amount of intrigue was not enough to overcome the panic, but realizing that I was probably dreaming, I began to consciously calm myself. "Let me play along for a bit," I thought to myself. "And if I get bored or anything weird start to happen, I'll simply wake myself up".

"You lie inside me, and lie within others. And other things" I say out loud, beginning to step around the being in front of me. "Sounds to me like you are saying that you are a part of me, but also a part of other humans and maybe even inanimate objects."

The being brought up it's index finger in front of it's face, teasingly chuckling and turning it's head at a light angle. "No, I said other things. That does not mean inanimate objects".

"Okay so non-humans then." Bringing its finger down and opening its palms. "Yes, you could say that."

"Hmmm," I look to the side, "perhaps a virus? A parasite?"

"No, not something that comes from the outside, but something you're born with. Something that is a part of you from the onset."

"Bacteria? They are part of us aren't they.

"Yes, they are, but think deeper. Something even less external. More a part of you."

"Our DNA?"

"You're on the right track," it said teasingly. But you're thinking more in the realm of biology. Bring it down on a notch on the objectiveness scale. Make it a little more artsy. A notch more metaphysical, perhaps, but don't tell anyone I said that." "Less objective than biology? Perhaps sociology? Psychology?" "Ring, ring, ring, ring" it mentioned. "Psychology is correct, though it may also align with sociology. All subjects are different lenses of seeing a concept, but we will stick to psychology." I wanted to wake up, and to leave, but I was interested. As always, I was anxious and skeptical, but I pressed on, confident that I was safe in my dream.

"I don't know," I said, pressing my lips together. "How about you tell me what you are?"

"Okay, okay, tired of the detective work" it said. "I am power."

[mantd]

Dear M,

The past 10 years have been defining years. Not only defining, actually, but tough. Who knew? They said the 20s were suppossed to be easy and carefree, but it seems like for you, it has been like trying to make your way out of quicksand. 

Despite this, I have to say that it was, by many definitions, a defininig decade. 

For one, you saw these patterns with women that were preventing you from achieving the thing you wanted most - a good relationship with a good woman. For some reason, you had been conditioned to only seek certain superficial characteristics and to completely ignoroe others. And you put yourself on a deathly pedestal that isolated you. 

Fortuntaly, from PLA, you realized that if the current dynamics coontinued, the lonelienss are lack of relatinoships would continue. And so you decided to bypass the thoughts and mindset and too take a risk. Just like PLA looking for the perfect job, you were looking for the perfect relationship. But you weren’t there yet, my friend. First, you needed to take the plunge and commit for a while. That is when the true learning happens.

[mantd]

I had another difficult mood swing this week. Fortunately, it only lasted for about a day. When those very difficult mood swings come into play, I feel like I have been fully absorbed into a destructful and heavy gel; my entire body feels heavy, my soul feels poisoned.

Fortunately, I decided to take today to nourish myself. I went out for a long walk around the Aventura golf course and then I went for some ice cream. And now, I feel better.

I’ve decided that I do not want to be productive if it comes at the expense of me feeling like shit - of me feeling anxious and like nothing is enough. Like I am not enough. Fortunately, I don’t believe that those ill feelings are necessary for me to succeed in life - whether that be in finding a partner or starting a company. In fact, I feel that when I am feeling well, I am more creative and optimistic, which improves my drive and my ability to function and produce. 

And so, on my quest, I will be optimstic, kind, and happy. I will form strong connections with others, yet be an astute and productive leader. 

I also learned today that I need to stop placing my joy in otehrs. For example, since I moved back home with Plam, I have been waiting on him to get my social satisfaciton and to do other things. But he is mostly doing his own thing, which led to me feeling cranky and frustrated. And so from now on, I recognize that I must carry on my own action. I must take the time to understand what I desire and to go after it. No need to wait on someone else.

Also, whenever I get into this difficult state oof mind, I think about moving elsewhere. And I am all for mooving somewhere if I feel that it will bring me satisfaction and growth. Yet this feeling that I need to be elsewhere is more of my mind playing escape, believing that if I get out of here everythng will be different. But that part of me will always be there. Just like it was in Bangkok. And India. And grad school.

A lot of this need to do things is probably driven by anxiety. 

[mantd]

Overall, my week went well. I made the necessary hours at work, which always provides a sense of contentment in that I did my job for another week. I’ve been trying to disentangle my sense of fulfillment and self from my productivity, but it is something I still have not mastered.

This week, I also had more of an urge to do more. In particular, to start working more towards my business. I am just a bit lost in terms of how to continue forward at this stage.

On a personal level, I am trying to be more compassionate by making more nice statements, and to minimize my critical statements. I am also trying to continue with learning leadership skills. 

[mantd]

We push love away in infinite ways. Yet those who manage to overcome these barriers (or those who do not have the insurmountable barriers - by luck), are the ones who end up allowing love in and cultivating love.

For myself, love was pushed away by the creation of a filter that is so fine that it seldom allows anyone in. I sought qualities in others that were superficial. Qualities that would aid in developing a deeper relationship, however, were pushed aside and overlooked.

Now I see the beauty of a person who is warm and caring; who is available and able to show commitment; who is emotionally stable and can support you and your endeavors; who is accepting of you as a person, with you idiosyncrasies and loony characteristics.

[mantd]

I asked myself an interesting question this morning: Have I ever been consistently happy? I have definitely had moments of happiness. Like when I am playing soccer or with good friends. Or when I am reading a good book or out in nature. But has my happiness been temporary and transient, or have there actually been periods of time throughout my life that I have been consistently happy?

To be honest, I am not sure. I feel like perhaps the summer in BG where I woke up, then went to hang with friends by the creek, or to an adventure, then home, ate, chilled, then went back out to play soccer or anoother sport at the stadium, then home and back out again for the night. I enjoyed those days. Why? Well, probably because I was always active and surrounded by others. 

I’ve also had other thoughts recently. Like what if I don’t take the path well traveled and traverse my own path? There is definitely risk and fear there. I’m not sure at this moment. I have some vision of what I want, and I am trudging down the road. But like many students in medical school say when they reflect on their experience, they aren’t sure whether if they could go back in time, they woould take the medical school route again.

[mantd]

I am reading the book Extreme Ownership by JOcko Wilink. In the book, he breaks down lessons on leadership by various chapters.

Chapter 1 of the book is about “Extreme Ownership”. This means that no matter what happens, you are responsible for the mission you have to carry out. For example, if you are a CEO of a company and the company isn’t doing well, you can’t blame others for that - you must take extreme ownership and own that this is on you.

If you are a worker at a job that requires you to make a certain amount of sales, it is on you to make that number. Excuses like “They didn’t call me back” and “it isn’t my fault - it is their fault!” are removed. You must do whatever it takes to carry out the mission.

In chapter 2, the lesson is that the leader must truly respect the mission. For example, a NAVY SEAL commander must respect the reason for the mission if he is to motivate and inspire his troops to perform at their best. Without truly accepting the mission, our efforts will be watered down and we will be uninspired.

If that means that you are at a job which you don’t like all that much, it might mean taking a step back to figure out the mission you are to carry and why you are carrying it. For example, why are you having to make a certain amount of sales? Is it to make sure that you can get paid and make enough money for the company to subsist? 

[mantd]

At all moments, we are making decisions. Even the decision to stay is a decision. For example, I am currently working a job that does not satisfy me. Why? Well, I think that there are a couple of reasons for this. 

1. I do not make enough. In fact, I feel that I am severely underpaid given my level of education (a master’s degree). I am able to support myself, but this is because I have some level of support from my parents and because I am living alone and only responsible for myself.

2. I do not feel like I have enough support from senior management. It is a very tough position, and I feel like I am cast out at sea and having to fend for myself. 

3. I constantly ponder whether I am making a difference in the lives of those  I serve, or whether I am just wasting time.

4. I compare myself to friends in other fields (whether financial, legal, or construction) and recognize that they are making 3-4x what I am making. 

So what is keeping me in my job?

1. The hope that when I obtain licensure in 1 year, I will have more freedom to pursue the lifestyle I desire. 

2. I don’t currently have the mental commitment to pursue another field. Not because I lack resolve or motivation, but because I feel that I am just getting started with this field (1 year in) and that I have to stick with it for now. 

This past year has taught me something. I like having a job in that it creates consistency out of necessity. I wake up Monday to Friday and get my ass to work not necessarily because I want to - but because I need to. Because I have a company, and clients, that are relying on that. And because I have to be a big boy and make money and become an adult.

In fact, that it partially why I chose this field. There was a sense of martyrdom in it. “Let me get up close and personal with the most difficult situations,” I thought to myself. “Let me work myself to the bone and see how it is.” 

But I see now that martyrdom for this sake does not make sense. Instead, in the future, I shall seek to channel my energy into things which bring me life, and which I can contribute fully back to the world.

[mantd]

Every other morning or so, I experience a very difficult emotion. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Symptoms also include pessimistic thinking and a lack of energy.

This morning, for example, I woke up and started having thoughts that I am not happy in my life. It was just yesterday, however, that I felt very content with where I was in life. In addition to these thoughts, I startes ruminating on how I have not found a partner and how I won't find a partner.

If this emotion has taught me anything, it is that emotions and moods paint our world. Thus, the fundamental wisdom is that they must not sway us too much - we must not listen to them and follow their guidance. Instead, we continue on our trajectories, moving forward towards those things which are important to us.

[mantd]

It's been tough moving out and working at night. And at the job, I feel a bit incompetent. Ive never dealt with many of these issues. And the worst thing is that I don't really have much consistent supervision. I guess the best thing is to see it as a challenge. Take in information and feedback and adapt. Perhaps finding another supervisor. Perhaps starting therapy.

[mantd]

Goals of talk therapy

What are the goals of talk therapy, aka psychotherapy?

Well, first and foremost, its important to recogmize that there are different forms of talk therapy. There is individual therapy, family therapy, and group therapy.

Im individual therapy, the emphasis is on yhr individual. Goals of individual therapy include increased self awareness, ability to cope with challenges, and prpgress towards certsin goals.

For example, Jess arrives in therapy because she has been feeling very sad. She states that she feels she has no purpose and no reason for living. Through therapy, we come to disxover that she feels this way because she has recently moved, and does not have any friends. Bevause of this, she feels lonely.

Once we begin to recognize why she feels this way, we begin to create goals. How can you move out of this box of powerlessness that has formed aroubd you? What musy be done to create movement and vitality in your life?

Through this process of gaining self awarebess and brainstorming soluyions to problems, Jess becomes better able to cope with life challenges.

[mantd]

Child Therapist Part 2

In performing therapy on children, parents must play an active role in treatment. 

Some notes from a book on CBT: 

1. Parents navigate two subsystems in family life: The couple subsystem and the parent subsystem. 

2. In treating children, working with the parents involves three central axes:

- The child’s current problems, which brought the parents to treatment

- The factors that maintain the problem on the parental level

- Building a joint parental vision

3. Parents should ask themselves: What sort of child do I want to raise? What must I do to achieve this? What is your ideal image of family life?

4. Building rapport in the first session through: Smiling, open body language, attentiveness, normalization and validation of feeling and experience

5. Chain of responses

An event occurs. This causes automatic thoughts, emotions, and corresponding behavior in parent one. This behavior cascades into parent two, who has corresponding thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. And so on the chain is repeated.

6. Baumrind (1966, 1967, 1971) breaks down parenting styles into two fundamental dimensions:

- Parental responsiveness: Refers to the extent parents purposefully encourage uniqueness and emphasize the “me” of the child by being supportive, affectionate, and adapting to the needs and demands of their children

- Parental demands: Relate to the entire range of demands on the child that parents express in order to assure that their children will integrate into the family system. Emphasis is on adult supervision and discipline.

- The “ideal” is a balance between the two, called Authoritative. This parenting style is characterized by:

              - giving clear instructions to their children

              - placing appropriate demands on children

              - providing appropriate parental supervision

              - messages are mediated with warmth, affection, reason, flexibility, and               discussion

[mantd]

Child Therapist Part 1

I am called to treat siblings: Jess, a 12 year old female, and Justin, a 6 year old male. Upon first speaking to the parent through the phone, I notice certain things: She seems concerned; She has proper social skills. These can be greatly beneficial; Big strengths. 

Upon entering the home, I meet Jess. She is reserved and reluctant to see me. While speaking to the mother, Justin runs around, yells, plays with his toys, and even throws two temper tantrums.

I am the children’s therapist, yet therapy does not only take place individually with the children: It takes place with the parent and other caregivers.

Through the process, I ask myself: How does the mother see the children’s behaviors? Does she unwillingly promote the behaviors he is trying to extinguish? What else in the children’s lives is causing them to exhibit these symptoms and behaviors?

[mantd]

Notes from 05/05/2019

Automation

- Automation can be good if it lowers the cost per unit of output (increases productivity). With minimum wage, however, that might not always be the case.

For example, a firm might replace a worker that costs $100 per day with a machine that costs $100 per day to run. Why would the firm do that? Because perhaps minimum wage laws prevent cheap labor.

Thus, automation is not necessarily a sign of economic progress.

- Automation can create new jobs. For example, automating assembly line workers, but hiring more designers. Automation doesn't always lead to increase in jobs however.

- Other pros of automation: more efficient use of materials, better product quality. Automation is also believed to lead to shorter work weeks.

- cons: Worker displacement, investment in automation, less flexibility

Neuroticism

- a general risk factor for psychopathology, especially internalizing disorders such as major depressive disorder, GAD, and social phobia

- Reserach shows that individuals that score higher in neuroticism appraise life events as more threatening. They are also more inclined to recall more negative personal memories than individuals scoring lower on this trait

- Generally, individuals scoring high on N deal poorly with stressful life events and rely on maladaptive coping strategies, such as worry, escape, avoidance, wishful thinking, self-blame and denial

How personality traits deal with emotion regulationo

1. conscientiousness (C)

1. Situation selection - planning, organizing, and thinking ahead about potential consquences e.g. A conscientious individual plans to go to the cafe to finish her paper, knowing that if he doesn't, he will feel stressed and guilty 2. situation modification - when a situation cannot be "unselected", they would seem likely to do something about it 3. Attention deployment - When situation selection or situation modification are not possible, highly C individuals distract themselves from the emotionally negative stimulus by switching their attentional focus to another task, goal, or activity

2. Openness (O)

- Being open to their own feelings, they accept their emotioons as real, important, and worth attention and regulation

[mantd]

prolife prochoice

Pro-lifers claim that “abortion is murder”.

Murder is defined as “unlawful premeditated killing of one human being by another”.

Abortion is legal.

Therefore, abortion is not murder.

So what is abortion?

Perhaps justifiable homicide, or the killing of a person in circumstances which allow the act to be regarded in law as without criminal guilt? Other forms of justifiable homicide include capital punishment or when acting in self-defense. 

[mantd]

My moods fluctuate daily. And with the moods, so does my concentration, interest, level of joy, etc. It’s very interesting how mood is so inextricably connected to so many different factors. 

I’ve noticed, however, that environmental conditions play a strong role in the maintenance of the mood. For example, when I go into the office and begin to interact with positive peers or I head to a coffee shop to do interesting work, my mood starts to increase in the positive direction. 

On the other hand, staying at home is detrimental for my mood. If I was to stay at home on most days, my mood begins to slowly decrease. And with the decreased mood, I begin to compensate by eating everything I can. 

Jordan Peterson talks about neuroticism, which is one of the five OCEAN traits, the other four being Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, and Agreeableness. Neuroticism is an indication of higher “moodiness” and greater fluctuation and intensity of moods (especially ones like anxiety and depression).

In one of his videos, Peterson states that to compensate for higher neuroticism, individuals must develop a structure in their days. Furthermore, a strong breakfast helps.

This complementary relationship between biology and the environment never ceases to amaze me. 

[mantd]

Antitrust laws, also known as competition laws, are statutes developed by the U.S. government to:

1. Protect customers from predatory business practices

2. Ensure fair competition in an open-market economy

Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren stated that she wants to break up Amazon, Facebook, and Google.

An example. Amazon is a conglomerate offering many different products including its online web store and Amazon Web Services (AWS). Much of its profit comes from AWS.

Being a conglomerate with multiple revenue streams, Amazon can go into a business (such as the grocery business with Whole Foods), put prices down and lose money short term (because other revenue streams fund it), and starve out competition.