manyoctopodes

[manyoctopodes]

I want a fic where none of the JL believes that the batkids aren’t Batman’s biological children. There’s no way they can all be as creepy and broody and serious as him without being his offspring. It’s not possible.

And a select few being super adamant about it is how Batman finds out his kids are actually, in fact, his biological kids.

This leads to a full on, all out fight on the Watchtower. Every single batkid is shouting, arguing, yelling, screaming at Batman. Because it’s not true. It can’t be true. How the fuck did Batman not know this before the JL? Why are they finding out from a shitty presentation given by HAL JORDAN of all people?

It ends with Batman sprawled out in a chair, slumped so far down that his back is on the seat of the chair, his neck bent at a funny angle against the backrest, and he’s groaning.

“I regret being such a whore in my youth,” is all they can get out of him.

Tim, Jason, and Damian are all pretty easy to figure out how they’re his kids. He already knew about Damian of course, and Tim and Jason’s moms were both from Gotham it made sense.

It’s Dick who’s fully having a meltdown.

“WHEN DID YOU SLEEP WITH MY MOM? HOW DID YOU KNOW MY MOM? DID YOU MAKE HER CHEAT ON MY DAD? WHAT HAPPENED TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK?”

Bruce, whose head is spinning, vaguely remembers a very tipsy night he spent with a beautiful French acrobat. They’d both been 16, it was the summer. She said she was about to run away and join a different circus, she’d been perfecting her routines with the circus she was in with her parents, but they were stifling her creativity. This was her last night in Paris, and she wanted to spend it with the cute American boy who was there on vacation.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MOM?”

“I bought her fancy champagne and clapped when she showed me how bendy she was,” he groans.

Dick has a visceral, disgusted reaction. He flings himself back, Jason has to hold him up so he doesn’t fall, and then he launches himself back at Bruce to damn near strangle him.

“DON’T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!”

This is the worst day of Bruce’s life. Coincidentally, it’s the best day of Hal’s. He and Barry are eating popcorn.

[manyoctopodes]

I want a fic where none of the JL believes that the batkids aren’t Batman’s biological children. There’s no way they can all be as creepy and broody and serious as him without being his offspring. It’s not possible.

And a select few being super adamant about it is how Batman finds out his kids are actually, in fact, his biological kids.

This leads to a full on, all out fight on the Watchtower. Every single batkid is shouting, arguing, yelling, screaming at Batman. Because it’s not true. It can’t be true. How the fuck did Batman not know this before the JL? Why are they finding out from a shitty presentation given by HAL JORDAN of all people?

It ends with Batman sprawled out in a chair, slumped so far down that his back is on the seat of the chair, his neck bent at a funny angle against the backrest, and he’s groaning.

“I regret being such a whore in my youth,” is all they can get out of him.

Tim, Jason, and Damian are all pretty easy to figure out how they’re his kids. He already knew about Damian of course, and Tim and Jason’s moms were both from Gotham it made sense.

It’s Dick who’s fully having a meltdown.

“WHEN DID YOU SLEEP WITH MY MOM? HOW DID YOU KNOW MY MOM? DID YOU MAKE HER CHEAT ON MY DAD? WHAT HAPPENED TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK?”

Bruce, whose head is spinning, vaguely remembers a very tipsy night he spent with a beautiful French acrobat. They’d both been 16, it was the summer. She said she was about to run away and join a different circus, she’d been perfecting her routines with the circus she was in with her parents, but they were stifling her creativity. This was her last night in Paris, and she wanted to spend it with the cute American boy who was there on vacation.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MOM?”

“I bought her fancy champagne and clapped when she showed me how bendy she was,” he groans.

Dick has a visceral, disgusted reaction. He flings himself back, Jason has to hold him up so he doesn’t fall, and then he launches himself back at Bruce to damn near strangle him.

“DON’T TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT!”

This is the worst day of Bruce’s life. Coincidentally, it’s the best day of Hal’s. He and Barry are eating popcorn.

[manyoctopodes]

I finished Sword of Destiny and here are some really silly doodles (also a bit from The Last Wish aaand from no where)

Uhhhh you can see which stories right? Order's a bit chaotic but only The Last Wish, The Bounds of Reason, Eternal Flame and A Little Sacrifice here

[manyoctopodes]

may i ask how augustine fits all that (very pretty) hair in his helmet? does he put it up? does he just stuff it in there? am i asking this because i can't stop imagining augistine in a bun for no reason? perhaps...?

Depends on his mood! Bun is common, sometimes a ponytail if he's in a hurry and just trying to make it more manageable to shove into the helmet. Rarely does he just put the helmet on without his hair up in some way unless he doesn't have time because otherwise he runs into a greater chance of his hair getting into his eyes which is not great especially in a fight

It's even reasonable to say he's braided it a couple times

[manyoctopodes]

Couple + Sibling/relative third wheel is honestly an S-tier trio dynamic and I wish we saw more of this in media.

"You are my soulmate. We are forged together by battle and tears and love. Also my brother's coming along."

"Yo."

[manyoctopodes]

the other side of the coin to the "I won't be worried until Batman looks worried" is the game Lois plays with Clark while they're in the Daily Planet offices. she won't even look up from her desk unless Clark twitches. large bang? whatever, Clark's still squinting at his screen. however, sometimes Clark twitches and looks up when he hears a cute dog halfway across America and then poor Lois is automatically tensed looking for the imminent invasion/danger. meanwhile, Clark is just trying to hear Mr. Snoopy the Basset Hound in Indiana better.

[manyoctopodes]

"i hope your fave show gets canceled" <- basic, common, overused

"i hope your show that is known for its well done representation of mental illnesses, showing trauma and abuse and showcasing the journey towards healing and growth ends with a shitty final season that ruins all development, healing, growth, and characters" <- scary, evil, plausible, happened to me

[manyoctopodes]

hubby vibe superman and unhinged lois is the blueprint for all romance, actually

[manyoctopodes]

Fire Lord Zuko passing a law that forbids challenging anyone under the age of majority to Agni Kai

Fire Lord Zuko waiting until the day he reaches the age of majority to pass this law, lest anyone think he is a coward

(No one. Literally no one would have thought that, but it’s generally regarded as a very classy move regardless)

[manyoctopodes]

Whoever is trying to kill Monty has got to be annoyed that not one, but TWO plots were foiled by the Jester.

The schemer sitting in their dark room and pounding their fist on a table, "That DAMN JESTER! AGAIN!!"

The jingly menace lives up to his name

Honestlyyyy. Jester is truly great at being a nuisance 😂

[manyoctopodes]

I’m not going to explain myself

[manyoctopodes]

listen, i know some people found superman pausing in a fight to save a squirrel silly, but i honestly loved how much it was just another moment supporting a central theme of, "if you can, you must"

were there other things he could have been doing in that fight in the few seconds in took him to do that? yeah. is it just one squirrel who already has a life expectancy of a few years max? yeah. would letting the squirrel die impact. literally anything? no.

but he had the chance to save the squirrel or let the squirrel die, and he chose to save it.

because he had the chance to do something good, and he TOOK IT.

[manyoctopodes]

Bruce wakes up with a Batarang stuck to his face and at least one of his children curled against his ribcage.

The problem is—he doesn’t remember which one.

Clark is already there. Sitting at the foot of the bed with the quiet, practiced patience of a man who’s absolutely seen weirder, balancing a tray of eggs, toast, and a coffee that smells like it’s been blessed by angels.

“Jason tranquilized himself with melatonin gummies,” Clark says gently. “Tim broke into your office to nap under the desk. Damian duct-taped Dick to the ceiling fan to ‘test his agility.’ And Alfred left for precisely one hour.”

Bruce groans into the pillow. “Was it a mistake? Letting them live here.”

“You adopted them.”

“Under duress.”

Clark kisses the crown of his head. “You love them.”

“I have brain damage.”

“You also made them all dinner last night and wrote everyone little post-it notes.”

Bruce blinks at him. “How do you know that.”

Clark looks sheepish. “You wrote me one too.”

“…Did it say ‘eat your vegetables or die’?”

“No,” Clark says, and then quietly, “It said, ‘thanks for being here.’ With a little smiley face.”

Bruce buries his face in his pillow again. “They’ve made me soft.”

Clark smiles. “They’ve made you loved.”

Bruce glares at him. Tim sleep-mumbles and curls deeper into Bruce’s side. Someone else—probably Duke—yells “I’M FINE” from down the hall in a tone that suggests he is not.

“Fine,” Bruce mutters. “I’ll live.”

“You’re already doing better than that,” Clark says, handing him the coffee.

[manyoctopodes]

“So… Dick…”

Dick raised an eyebrow, stuffing the rest of Bruce’s homemade brownie into his mouth and looking over at his best friend. “Yes… Wally…?” Dick mocked, chuckling to himself.

“Bruce… is, like, in a relationship? Right?” Wally asked slowly, very pointedly, not looking at Dick, no matter how much the acrobat tried to grab his attention.

Dick’s was already twitching. Wally knows how unhappy he is about Bruce being in a relationship. “Yeah…? Walls, where is this going?”

“Is your mom happily in a relationship, or just in a relationship?” Wally wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"...What the actual fuck did you just say to me?" Dick asked quietly, slowly standing up from his position on the floor and towering over Wally, who was still sprawled out on their couch.

“Nothing!” Wally exclaimed nervously, holding out his hands in front of him. “Just a joke! Poor taste… please don’t hurt me.”

"You better watch yourself, Wallace." Dick hissed lowly, grabbing Wally by his collar and holding him very close. "Kori and I would still be very happy in a relationship with just two people."

Wally squeaked, caught between feeling terrified and slightly turned on. "... Kori agrees with me. He's a certified MILF," he whispered, which was obviously the wrong thing to say at the moment.

Dick's scream of rage was heard throughout his entire apartment complex, and Wally was very glad he was gifted with the power of superspeed. It was inevitable that Dick would find him eventually, but running to Antarctica would surely slow him down.

Right?

——

“Hey, Cass!” Cass set down her gym bag and turned to face the other dancers in the ballet classes she was taking for fun at a local center that was up-and-coming.

“Morning. Did you all get the routines down? I had a little trouble on the jumps.” Cass made herself giggle softly, and by the sounds of the other girls talking and giggling as well, she was nailing this small talk thing.

It had taken some trial and error to realize that a lot of people don’t like ‘bragging’ even if she wasn’t bragging. She had no trouble with the jumps. In fact, she had memorized the entire routine the first time the instructor went over it, but societal norms prevented her from stating that.

“Anyways… Cass. Are you, like, being picked up by your Dad again today?” Michelle, a woman Cass thinks uses the word ‘like’ a little too much, twirled her hair around her finger. The rest of the girls and guys giggled as they stared at Cass, awaiting her answer.

Cass cocked her head to the side, not understanding why they were all suddenly interested in who she was being picked up by.

“I don’t think so. He’s busy.”

A mix of groans and complaints filled the hall as all her classmates turned to each other in disappointment, which was confusing for Cass. Why would they care who was picking her up in an hour and thirty minutes?

“Damn, I was really hoping to get the chance to talk to your hot Dad.” Kyle, another classmate, groaned and clicked his tongue in disappointment. There were loud murmurs of agreement.

Cass blinked. "What?" She asked.

Maybe it was the tone of her voice, the expression on her face, or the way she tilted her ear closer as if to hear her classmates better.

"Uh... I think class is starting."

Cass stared at the backs of her retreating classmates, making a conscious effort to restrain her bloodlust.

This wouldn’t do. This wouldn’t do at all.

——

"Oh, Bruce was over at Ollie's mansion yesterday," Roy mentioned, tossing a handful of caramel popcorn into his mouth as he eyed Jason moving around his kitchen like he owned the place.

Jason hummed absentmindedly, completely focused on the new smoked salmon recipe he was trying out. "Yeah... I think he mentioned business or something. I wasn't really paying attention to what the old man was saying." A loud sizzle and the opening of cabinets. "Did you move the paprika?

Roy shrugged. "Hey, it's basically your kitchen. I don't touch anything in there." Jason muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'Damn fucking right it's my kitchen' as he continued opening and closing drawers and whatever else.

"So anyways..." Roy continued slowly. "I saw your Dad swimming around in the indoor pool and stuff." Roy could feel his cheeks heating up, going back and picturing Bruce slowly rising out of the pool wearing only one of Oliver's Speedos (disgusting on Oliver, not so much on sexy Bruce Wayne), water cascading down his muscular bare chest.

Jeez, did he forget to turn on his air conditioner?

"Has he always been so... ya know?” Roy probably should have stopped when he no longer heard any sound from the kitchen.

“Like…?”

“Well… DILFy…” Roy continued, like the idiot that he is. “I mean, everyone’s seen what he looked like when he was younger, which was hot as hell, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like he’s only getting better with age,” Roy said, looking up only to see Jason staring at him with barely contained rage.

"Get out," Jason ordered icily, brandishing his spatula like a weapon. Considering who trained him since childhood, Roy wouldn't be surprised if Jason did know how to use it like an actual weapon.

"Uh, Jay, I don't know if you remember, but this is my apartment-" Roy was cut off by his own butcher's knife being embedded in the wall right beside his ear.

Jason had thrown the knife so close that loose strands of hair drifted down onto the couch from where he had been unwillingly given an impromptu haircut just off the side.

"Or I could leave."

——

“… so fucking hot…”

“… I know right…”

“… have more…?”

“… fucking duh…”

Tim pulled down his headphones and looked over Kon and Bernard, who were staring intently at Kon’s phone.

“Hello? Are you guys on Insta looking at hot guys or something? What’s going on?” Tim chuckled and immediately stopped when he noticed the guilty expressions on their faces. “Now way… seriously?”

"Well... It's not Insta..." Kon coughed and handed his phone over to Bernard, who was decidedly not looking Tim in the eyes. “Tim… you know how your Dad came over to the farm to ‘destress’ from Gotham life for a bit?”

Tim raised an eyebrow and slowly shut his computer, giving his boyfriends his full attention. “I wouldn’t say he was de-stressing from Gotham necessarily, but yes, go on.”

Kon played with the spiked cuff on his wrist and pursed his lips. “Bruce insisted on helping around the farm even though Clark and Pa said he didn’t have to…”

Tim waited. “And?”

“And he was super fucking hot!” Bernard blurted out, his cheeks flushing a bright red as Tim’s head whipped around to look at him.

“What?!”

“Look! Kon took a bunch of pictures!” Bernard shoved Kon’s phone into his hands, batting away Kon, who was trying to snatch it away.

Tim was in complete disbelief as he scrolled through pictures and short videos of his father walking around shirtless, sweating, and hauling heavy things.

“You-! You-!” Tim sputtered, holding Kon’s phone above his head before hurling it down to the ground and watching it shatter. “Perverts.” Tim hissed, grinding his heel.

“Babe.” Bernard tried, moving closer then holding his hands up as Tim hissed louder.

“Get away from me!” Tim gathered the broken pieces of the phone, intent on throwing them into a blazing fire and destroying all those… pictures of Bruce. “And stay away from my mom!”

Kon winced as Tim ran out of the room, wishing he didn’t have super hearing. “Oh wow… those are a lot of… descriptive torture methods. And curses…” Kon took in a shaky breath and turned to Bernard with a crooked smile. “I think we fucked up.”

“Oh, do you? Do you think we fucked up by thirsting over Tim’s admittedly stupidly sexy Dad/Mom? Just start ordering Tim’s favorite chocolates.”

——

“Your Dad’s so cool, Damian…”

“I will stab you right now. Don’t fucking test me, Kent.”

Jon got over his kiddie crush very quickly…

——

Alfred gracefully sipped on his tea, watching as the other ‘grandparents’ milled around and conversed with each other.

It was a meeting of ‘the help’ from wealthy families that somehow, over time, became family and unofficial parents and grandparents. Good ones and otherwise.

“Oh, and how’s little Brucie?”

Alfred looked up from his tea (subpar at best) and smiled politely at the nanny from the influential Korden family. “Master Bruce is as well as ever. Implementing new technologies to help Gotham has him at the business for longer, but it’s nothing he can’t handle.”

“Poor pitiful child.” Another man cooed. Alfred didn’t know him; his family simply wasn’t important enough.

“Yes, yes. What he needs is a partner to set him straight.” Another portly woman butted in, her small purse stuffed to the brim with scones and biscuits. “When is he going to settle down, Pennyworth? He's getting up there in age, soon he won't be as attractive to potential suitors.”

Alfred felt his eyebrow twitch, but he was a man of grace, no matter what Bruce said or had witnessed in the past. “Master Bruce is currently in a relationship-“

“Oh, come off it!” A man laughed, slapping Alfred on the shoulder, causing Alfred to have to fight to control his facial expression of disgust. “You know what we mean! Proper folk. One of ours.”

“Oh! If I were a few years younger! I wouldn’t let him say no!” An old man wiggled his eyebrows lewdly, causing the women around him to titter and giggle in agreement.

“Alright.” Alfred set down his cup and smiled thinly. “Even if you were the same age as Young Master Bruce, I doubt he’d want anyone with such a disgusting personality,” Alfred said, ignoring the shocked and offended gasps.

“Like I’ve said, he’s in a relationship. Your opinion on this relationship means absolutely nothing. You need the Wayne family, not the other way around.” Alfred sneered, happily turning his nose up at the other attendees.

“You in particular, watch your fucking back.” Alfred snarled at the older man who had spoken about dating Bruce himself. “I will take care of you personally. There is nowhere you can fucking hide where I won’t find you and beat you till an inch of your life.”

“Well- well, I’d never-!”

“That’s right! You’d never! The lot of you are just a bunch of-!”

Alfred walked out of that sad little meeting hall with his dignity intact and his knuckles bruised, which he hid expertly underneath his crisp white hand gloves.

“How distasteful.” Alfred sniffed, dabbing at a splotch of blood that landed on his lapel.

——

“Huh…”

All the Batkids looked up at the same time while Alfred continued to pour Bruce’s tea.

“It’s just… none of your friends have been over for quite a while,” Bruce said thoughtfully, staring at his children’s faces. “And you haven’t been going to your tea meetings, Alfred. Don’t tell me… You had a falling out?” Bruce asked, frowning in concern.

“Uh… Roy is busy with Lian.” Jason shrugged, glad he had an easy excuse.

Dick chewed on his waffle with a stiff expression before relaxing into an easy-going smile. “Kori’s off world for a bit and Wally is… dead.”

“What?”

“Dead asleep from how much crime is going on in Central City! Haha…” Dick forced out a laugh and stabbed his next waffle with more force than necessary, making all his siblings flinch and Bruce look more concerned. “He’s just busy heroing Dad.”

“…okay…” Bruce said slowly, reaching over and patting Dick’s hand before looking over at Damian and Tim. “So?”

“Kon and Bernard are… having their own dates together. Ya know, having time for each other or something.” Tim shrugged, shrinking down in his seat with a scowl on his face.

“Jonathan knows what he did,” Damian said simply, leaving it at that.

“Right… and you, Alfie?”

“No comment.”

Bruce raised an eyebrow and dropped a few sugar cubes into his tea. “No comment?”

Alfred stayed silent for a second longer before letting out a rough sigh. “I simply realized the company that I keep can be… a little too rowdy.”

“Yeah sure.” Bruce rolled his eyes, already knowing all of Alfred’s tells for his lies. “Well, you should invite them over. Oh, we can have a pool party sometime this week. It’ll be fun!” Bruce clapped his hands and smiled at his kids.

“Oh, Bruce-“

“I dunno if-“

“Well-“

“Master Bruce-“

“Let me rephrase,” Bruce said, holding up a hand and stopping everyone from speaking. “You will invite your friends whom you spent so many years complaining, griping, and whining that I wouldn’t let you reveal your identities to over. And you will have fun at this pool party next week.” Bruce said softly, causing a chill to run down everyone’s spine. “Understood?”

“Yes…”

“Alfred, I can’t force you to bring those snobs that you hang around with for some reason, and if you’ve somehow discarded them, you will be getting new friends.” Bruce narrowed his eyes as Alfred opened his mouth to speak. “Yeah, you don’t get a say in this. You’ve forced me through the years to put myself out there and make friends because socialization is a need. I’m simply returning the favor.”

Alfred closed his eyes for a second before opening them and looking down at Bruce with a slightly annoyed yet resigned expression. “Of course, Master Bruce.”

“Great!” Bruce smiled brightly. “Now, I’ve got a date in an hour, so I have to get ready!” Bruce grabbed his cup of tea and walked upstairs happily.

The dining room was silent until they heard Bruce’s door close.

“I will not let those… perverts, around Baba.” Damian hissed, clenching the butter fork in his hand dangerously.

Dick stood up slowly from his seat, making his siblings and Alfred look at him. “No… we invite them. But-“ Dick’s eyes gleamed evilly, “we make it very clear what will happen if any, and I mean any, certain comments are spoken.”

There was a nod of agreement. “Alright, let’s do this,” Jason said, also standing up, a determined look in his eyes.

“Good luck,” Cass said grimly, pulling out her phone and scrolling through her contacts. She didn’t expect anyone from her ballet class to come, especially after she made it very clear she wouldn’t accept any comments about her Dad, but she would see about the Birds of Prey. That was tough in itself.

“Don’t look at us like that, Alfred,” Tim said. “This is some serious shit.”

“Just… don’t kill anyone. Your father will be very disappointed.”

“No promises.” They chorused, leaving the dining room to make their calls.

[manyoctopodes]

Bruce wakes up with the worst headache ever known to man, and all of his children are simultaneously in his room for some odd reason, which, as you can probably guess, does not help him in the slightest. Of course, it had to be today of all days, when he physically couldn’t tell them to shut up or redirect their chaos to something else.

Bruce lets out an inaudible groan as he hears Jason’s voice rise up to an indignant shriek, most likely protesting something that he most definitely did.

“Dickie.” Bruce’s voice crackles quietly, making Bruce wince. “Baby,” Bruce calls again, suppressing the cough that wants to rise up in his throat.

Dick, who is sitting next to him calmly (even though Bruce knows his firstborn is the person who most likely brought the chaos to his room so early in the morning), tilts his head. “Dad?”

“Take my card. Take your siblings. Go get breakfast somewhere, anywhere, and bring me back some food.” Bruce orders, trying to keep how miserable he was feeling out of his voice.

Judging from Dick’s face, he was failing.

“You doing alright?” Dick asked quietly, his eyebrow knit in concern, a look Bruce hates putting there.

“Yes, Birdie. Just a migraine.” Bruce reassures, reaching over and squeezing Dick’s hand lightly, and feeling the tension in his shoulders lessen just a millimeter from seeing Dick’s smile.

Dick rummaged through his bedside drawer, knowing exactly where he kept his wallet, and pocketed one of his many black cards. “Any meds you need me to pick up?”

Bruce tried to think and pull up a mental image of their medicine cabinet, but his head throbbed painfully, leading him to give up. “I trust your judgement.” He said simply, leaving it all in Dick’s hands.

Dick nods and squeezes his hand again, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, just like Bruce had done ever since he was a child and had his own migraines. “We’ll be back, and we’ll be safe,” Dick says.

Bruce knows a promise when he hears one.

“I love you.” Bruce managed to raise his voice enough so all his children could hear as Dick ushered them out of his room, and from the sounds of it, threw Damian over his shoulder.

Bruce couldn’t help but smile as there were murmurs of agreement and scattered ‘love yous’ back before his room was once again plunged into silence and darkness, one of his children turning the lights off just as his door closed.

It’ll probably be a good day.

[manyoctopodes]

I'm sorry. David Corenswet brought his dog to set in her own Superman costume?

[manyoctopodes]

whenever Bruce pisses Dick off during a case as Nightwing and Batman, Dick just goes and changes into his civilian work uniform so that he can pull out a gun in front of Batman and Batman can’t say shit. Jason finds it hysterical.

Batman: we don’t use guns.

Officer Grayson, cocking a pistol: i dunno who the fuck *we* is, but i sure as hell ain’t a part of it

Batman:

Red Hood, watching from a rooftop: *distant cackles*

Batman: *sigh* Dick-

Officer Grayson, raising his voice over the sound of him shooting at the ground near their opponents: OH I’M SORRY, HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

Batman: -I TOLD YOU I DIDN’T KNOW THE ICE-CREAM WAS YOURS, OK I’M SORRY-

Officer Grayson: I’M AFRAID I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ME BRINGING THE PEACE-

Batman: YOU JUST SHOT AT ME-

Red Hood: *filming* GET HIM, OFFICER!

Batman, ducking away from Dick’s shots: RED HOOD GO AWAY-