mare-the-silly-scroingle
oh fuck this shit is NOT updated
mare/ides | they/she/he | spam acct for @nightmare-rivulets | likes/follows from @the-ides-of-violets
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ok actually ill doxx its ok. im seeing jhariah fucking TMRW i a m going to lose my mind!!!!
#barely a doxx bc i dont actually live that close to where im seeing him#but like OHHH MY GOD im so excited dude#i just tried on my outfit for tmrw and its going to eat!!!!#and my friend has glitter AAA im going w like two of my best friends and :D
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on the bright side i always have my self care app, an entire cup of cookie dough, and dougdoug/d+p content to watch. even as my world implodes <3
#neg#i really wanted to work on this paper but i guess i am going to be in tears instead LOL#but i got the aforementioned good things so it's okay :)
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writing my friends love letters for tomorrow after crying my eyes out (a bit) is healing tbh
#look im no longer interested in anyone thus i am entirely justified to go wild with my little notes
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i need this random woman in australia to be very kind about the email i'm going to send to her because this might be the best thing to ever happen to me
#trying to be positive bc i am doing so badly today#most likely she doesnt answer But i want to believe. i want to.
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update head hurts so badly and i'm studying w my friends (including the guy) and i hate the classwork i'm doing right now but i am trying to keep it together.
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cousin just gave me the most lukewarm response ever. Ok.
#LIKE SORRY BUT I JUST THINK ID CARE A LITTLE MORE IF SOMEONE SAID THEY THOUGHT OF ME TWICE#like does he know that i dont text my brother like this. he probably knows or suspects it#bc those two are at each others throats in the most slow burning way possible#but like. OK! So you dont give a fuck.#WHATEVER whatever whatever whatever im over it. Im over this.#i just wont text him again HE DOESNT NEED IT ! clealry.
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just texted my cousin and if this man cold calls me itll actually be over
#my family is so fucking complicated but i dont care anymore i will text my cousin and everything will be FINE#i just hate calling him because he's. a complicated man#Like dude kind of just lies about shit all the time it's a little hard to parse audibly#but its ok i texted him about a sports game hes maybe excited about. WHATEVER. I get the good cousin award#Sorry ive been so negative on main everything IS in fact falling apart but its ok
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Oh my God my roommate is crying
#Or is that a movie#literlaly hope its the latter bc i have to go somewhere#and i cannot get myself to do empathy even if she deserves that#Ill listen in w/e
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this is a breaking point for sure
#neg#sitting in the middle of a field and nobody is here#they’re gone. so o guess i meant fucking nothing to him
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Like truly the vibes are cataclysmic. i barely feel real and i am losing hope that i will be ok this semester I have no more interest in anything. ergo therefore however i am now just having a depressive episode and yes i should know this but like. my stomach hurts and nowhere feels safe and i want to finally settle. Like will this ever stop i know its gotten so so much better so itll conitnue to but like its still back so. idk idk. Im goig to eat food and give up on today i think.
#neg#officially semi clear of the borderlinesymptoms So i guess were fine.but like#idk im now kind of putting my mental health on this one class & this one friend of mine#and maybe thats bad but its mostly just scary#idk. Ill be ok but idk how to handle the next few hours considering im not okay yet
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i was so good the last like two days maybe and now i am extremely depressed and no longer feel like i'm in the world around me Ok! It Is Time for a Scrumptious 50 min Lecture...
#i am doing so badly but on the bright side i get to paint my nails later#and i look very pretty today#Regrettably i do not feel as if i am me but at the very least i look nice#i was going to do laundry today but i believe it will have to wait.#i was SO productive yesterday too.....hopefully i can regain this. I just need to see my friends again lowkey
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i think i'm just having a hell string of days honestly but i am getting food with one of my friends later and its. So hard bc i really do love his company but we dont live nearby and sometimes its just harder for me to connect w him. so i keep blowing him off but like. idk i dont rly want to hang out but i will then i will get my work done It will be ok its just hard i think
#also i just made a lot of stupid decisions yesterday because my impulses are fucked#im not that impulsive but it was like a lot less rational thinking than i usually employ#i just want to curl up forever but. Idk. idk
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so am i also entering my impulsivity era because i now am just doing things that dont make any sense
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honestly i might just submit this request finish this one dumbass busy work assignment and go to bed. Bc i had such visions for today but like i dontknow. im just listneing to my roommate crying trying to write up an essaythat makes no sense and trying to decide if the maintenance people will call me crazy or not
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i was trying so hard to be positive But actually earnestly honestly the only thing i want in this fucking life anymore is for me to have a second away from these feelings. like i just want to escape it but i actually cant. If i lose this friend group to this i will actually never try again .
#neg#my mom jsjut sent me and my sister a text thing that i think was meant to be funny but it isnt#And none of my roommates are out today and i just.#like i think maybe my best friend is the only person i can latch onto right now but i cant bc like#i literally cant look at him. I thought i couldnt make eye contact w anybody but its actually just him#maybe if i sit out in the common room someone will talk to me#i just need someone to talk to me i need to know its going to be okay#and i would go to some of my friends but like i can't. Some of them love me but r busy dont wanna heat it#and then the ones that might want to like. One is busy the other is my best friend#everyone else in my gfriend group i dont trust enough#so like. Like. i dont know#you cant really be sad in college it doesnt work well.
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i think i'm falling apart entirely which is really stupid But i can't get myself to submit this stupid fucking form. and i cant look my best friend in the eyes. and i still am trying to plan this trip with the person i used to have a crush on but dont feel much of anything for anymore. and therapy is a week from now and i just want to do something fun but i havent done anything fun in a while. So i guess im losing my mind and fracturing. its so fucking cold in my room
#honestly i just need to see this ex crush in person Bc we saw each other for maybe 2 seconds yesterday#and then they texted me and i texted back and i sent them another text just now#and like they have said nice things to me but like. Its so. i dont know#and like i think most of all i just want to be able to interact normally w my best friend#before i got high and started calling him my best friend#bc now i cant tell what the fuck our dynamic is supposed to be like Like#ppl thought we were dating which is insane and also really funny but like clearly we're really close#and clearly he cares but is that not like so fucking scary#i didnt want to be the emotional mess i was but like i was and now i feel like i dont know what to say#people saw me as i am. and i have to live w that. and i still have so much to do#andim scared to tell ppl that im having this response Bc they know i had a bad high for part of it.#and they know i see it as a success but they like KNOW osmehting happened i basically explained it#like mentioned my psychosis and shit like bc i had to right#but i dont want to tell my roommates im feeling this way. Bc then they will want me to not do it again#and like maybe thats a good idea. i just dont want them to be upset w my friends though#neg
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so tmrw i have an appt and on wed i have an appt and on wed also i might be seeing my HS teacher & then i also might separately see another one of my friends from back home.and at some point i want to play more sims and clear out my old laptop and figure out my summer class. however what is being misunderstood is that i do simply want to curl up in a ball and do nothing forever aside from be warm so not sure when that'll fit into my schedule but im sure we can figure something out
#also have to miss a call i specifically tried saur hard to make so like guess its over for me#it isnt a call i like NEED to be on but like. its just annoying 2 do that to people but. whtatever
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