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marginalizedmormon · 4 months ago

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I Finally Have the Answers

Several weeks ahead, my daughter planned a family holiday party for 6 p.m. Friday, January 3rd. A couple of days before, my oldest son let everyone know that they would not be attending because his daughter had a dental appointment at 5 to get her braces off. I asked if he could come anyway and have her mother to take their daughter to the dentist. Both of his parents and 4 of his brothers and sisters would be there, some driving for multiple hours. He responded no, but we could come by their house on the way to the party. Now I am very sensitive to the fact that my family only gets together once a year, if that, and my son and daughter-in-law (DIL) had missed many reunions and other family events.

We said we would come by, but that morning it was raining and neither my daughter, who we were visiting for Christmas, nor her children, nor I wanted to go to my son's and face his wife's rudeness and cruelty. I called to let him know we would not be stopping. He apparently was angry about that. His comments later were "you traveled 1600 miles and couldn’t come to see us." I didn't have a car and wasn’t driving, I was a passenger and ultimately did not have control over the drive to Bakersfield. I told him, none of us wanted to come to his house, the hostility and dismissiveness of his wife were off-putting and unpleasant. Later I thought, we were there a few hours away, and you Son, didn’t come to see us. The road goes both ways. He told me that he would not talk to me until I could defend the decision not to come over. I waited a few weeks, then tried texting and calling him.

After following a prompting to talk to him and his wife that their continued poor behavior and indifference is not acceptable and that they are in dangerous spiritual territory, things blew up. On January 20th I tried again after many attempts to get ahold of my son by phone. For many months the previous year, he was not returning my calls or answering my texts. I imagined that she had finally succeeded in creating a permanent rift and that he had been bullied by her into submission. He finally answered and we talked for almost an hour, less talk, more of an interrogation by him, an attorney. I told him I was prompted to give a warning from the Lord, that they needed to obey the commandment to honor their parents.

After an hour, we could see no progress was being made and he said that I need to talk with his wife. It was emotionally draining to feel that my son showed no evidence of empathy, love or loyalty, so I waited until my husband returned from his trip to face the phone call with DIL. To be civil, I reached out to my son on Wednesday to let him know I would be calling his wife on Thursday. On Thursday I texted her to see if she was available and she responded that she couldn’t talk until Friday at 7, 9 pm our time. So I prepared for the call on Friday. We went to the temple for inspiration, I read scriptures , studied articles and listened to podcasts about conflict resolution.

At 8:55 they called from the car. I stated my purpose which was to find a way for all of us to move forward peacefully because in the future, their kids will probably be getting married, leaving for missions and I hoped we could move into a cordial environment. No sooner had I started this subject, DIL jumped in with full fury. Accusing me of telling my son 26 years ago that if he married her it would split up our family. I was stunned, having no recollection of that. Then she turned on my husband saying that at their first baby's blessing he said, “Now we’re stuck with her (the DIL).” Again, with no recollection of that event.

Because of DIL's history of lying, I needed to process her accusations. By then she was screaming and challenging me over and over, “do you think I’m a liar,” repeatedly, “Say I’m a liar!” I responded, "I don’t know if you lie now but you used to." To which she became more shrill, “give me examples,” which I did. Now with full fury she turned it into an attack on me. By then I was getting emotional but not crying or accusing her or them. I should have refused to answer her and ended the call. As I tried to turn the conversation back to how do we go forward, (son) said we’re done here and hung up on us.

I went to my room and prayed sincerely, asking God if I had said that to DIL and the answer was no, also for my husband. As I tried to process her statement, it became apparent to me that because she was hurt and didn’t feel welcome, it became her goal to “split up our family;” like the politicians accusing their opponents of crimes which they themselves were committing.

My husband said he felt she was genuinely hurting, when she expressed that she didn’t feel welcome when they were married, even though they lived at our house for several weeks in the beginning.

We thought we were helping them, but everything, with one exception, we have tried to do for them has rarely or never been acknowledged or appreciated. Here are a few things we did do: we traveled 4 hours each way to go through the temple with her.

Traveled back when they got married

Gave them a reception in Bakersfield.

Let them live at our house for weeks when they were moving to Bakersfield.

We arranged for and paid for a trip to Disneyland because she said she had never been there. While there, she talked about how she had visited there as a child.

I hosted a baby shower before their first baby was born and made her quilts and nursery accessories.

We bought them a rocker recliner so she could nurse the baby, when we ourselves needed a chair for our living room and didn’t have one.

Drove 4 hours for the baby's blessing.

I handmade their daughter a Raggedy Ann doll when she was little because my grandmother had given me one. My granddaughter called a few years later and asked me to make her another one. Her mother had sold it at a garage sale

Came for visits and heard more lies. I offered to buy her daughter barbecue chips for a snack, DIL said no she hates them. The next day, granddaughter was chowing down on barbecue chips.

We then moved to Orange County. I had a talk with my son on the phone because I was concerned about DIL’s lying and she called back and screamed at me for a long time. I took the phone outside and held it out, I should have hung up.

Before their 2nd baby was born, my son asked if I could come to New Mexico and help with their daughter. To earn the money, I got a job doing all the flowers for a wedding. Table centerpieces, all the bouquets and boutonnieres. It took 6 days, I earned $800, all of which I used for the 11 hour drive from San Diego County, CA to New Mexico. I had never driven that far in my life. My youngest son came with me, we camped in Arizona and drove to their house. After our 2-day drive, DIL took the new baby and retreated to her room, never to come out at all when we were awake or home. We cooked and entertained my granddaughter for several days, picked up my husband who flew up to drive home with us. She never thanked me.

We helped when they moved from Santa Cruz to Bakersfield. Unpacked the boys’ room, her dad was there, he was rude too.

Over the years, we drove the 815 miles each way to the kids’ baptisms, through blizzards and other long, expensive trips. We were never invited to participate in their programs, not even to give a prayer. When we made infrequent trips to their house, it was obvious we were not welcome. One time, DIL threw a wrinkled sheet on the sofa for me to make up a bed for the night. My mother taught me to treat guests better than that.

When my son was setting up a legal practice, we sent him a check to help with expenses. We were thanked for that.

I flew from Salt Lake City to San Diego; my BFF and I drove up six hours for my granddaughter's mission farewell. We stayed at a hotel, went to church and drove home, then I flew back to Salt Lake.

We flew out from Missouri for her mission homecoming. Our youngest son drove 13 hours to his brother's; we went home to our oldest daughter's then took a train back to our daughter where we spent the holidays.

Now the DIL's terrible behavior over the years makes sense. She apparently had a goal, but it doesn’t align with God’s plan for my family. So, we called to try to patch things up. After 26 years of me asking what was wrong, what do I need to do, with no response or feedback; she projected. My experience with her lying makes me question her words every time as I don't think they are true. Finally the answer was there, given with screaming and histrionics. She sounded like a mad teenager; with everything coming from the first years of their marriage. 26 years later we are different people with different behaviors. I am sad that I hurt her, I never intended to do that. My daughter said she has made no progress. My attempts to reconcile and move on with DIL are met without acknowledgement or reciprocation. I would have apologized if I had known what was needed, but they hung up on me, so the opportunity passed. I will not apologize for something I didn't do but again, I am sorry that I hurt her. And now she seems angrier. It's back in the Lord’s hands.

3 days later: her mother messaged me:

"I was saddened by your need to vent with (name redacted) and (name redacted) on Friday Sad that you have carried this burden of hurt, pain and resentment for 25 years. I know as a mother you desire the best for your family and that you have a deep desire to think celestial and remove contention from your life. I hope that you can forgive- and now that you have expressed and made your hurt known- that you can allow the Savior to carry this burden and allow your relationship with them to heal. Life is too short. None of us are perfect (she) is a good person- a daughter of our Heavenly Father (he) loves her and they have4 beautiful- strong children who all have testimonies of the gospel As the wife of a bishop- and (he) is a good bishop and father - she is worthy of your forgiveness and love.

My response:

"(Name redacted), you did not hear the truth. I called (name redacted) weeks ago, trying to move forward into a cordial place. After an hour on the phone with him, he said I needed to speak with (her.) I waited until (my husband) was home from his visit with our son in Vietnam. I let her know a day ahead that I’d like to talk with her, giving her the courtesy of preparing if she wanted to. I asked for (my son) and (my husband) to sit in, knowing that she has lied in the past and I didn’t want (my son) getting a twisted account of the conversation as you may have. (My husband) and I went to the temple that morning and I spent the day reviewing conflict resolution techniques. I started the call by asking how we could move forward peacefully, when (DIL) went off on things she said we did 24-26 years ago. I have a good memory but the things she said (my husband) and I said to her, I had no memory of. I prayed to know if I had said those things or (husband) had and the answer was no . She screamed, she cried, she pushed me to give evidence of my points and when I did, she became even more enraged. (Son) cut us off and hung up on us. We never did get to return to the subject of how to move forward peacefully. Your daughter has lied, treated me with contempt and rudeness for 25 years. No matter what kind or generous things I have done, I’ve only received thanks one time. For years, I have asked what was wrong and what could I do differently and have never gotten an answer. You’ve had the family for holidays and special occasions. We’ve never spent a holiday together, which is important to me, and (DIL) has made sure that they missed many many of our reunions and special events. She wouldn’t even stop in Salt Lake when she was driving through so (my granddaughter) could visit my dying mother. She is your daughter but hasn’t acted like a family member with me. I wrote an account of our conversation, which I will send to you. I know (son) is a good man but your daughter’s influence has affected his relationship with our family. She has not kept the commandment to honor us as parents at all and has damaged our relationship. I did not call them for a confrontation but to ask for peace. They delivered the conflict and escalated it. As you described it, it truly was (DIL) who was venting, screaming and carrying on. I only responded to her questions and accusations.

As I recounted the incident with family members they were shocked at her behavior. I know they’ve had a hard few months with (their son's) injury and my first thought was to go there and help, but you were at (granddaughter's) homecoming and you could see how she dismissed at my attempts to help. I thought my presence would make it harder for them so I stayed away. I can forgive her because of the atonement but she needs to be able to move on or she will continue to break the 5th commandment and she is giving her children a very poor example. I have been trying for 25 years and the relationship continues to deteriorate which is not celestial. The whole point of the phone call was to try to mend and make improvements. I called hoping we could move forward and was and am willing to apologize or do the work of healing our family."

*Her mother was given a misrepresented version from her daughter. If the mother had a knowledge of the cause of her daughter's anger all these years, she could have given me the heads up.

From Quora

"How does a narcissist react to someone they can’t break?

When a narcissist sees that you're strong and can do things on your own, they might get scared that you're a threat to them. This can make them feel jealous and envious. Instead of being happy for you, they might start saying mean things and making you feel small. At the same time, they act like they care about you, offering help and support to make you trust them. But be careful – they're only doing this to trick you, hurt you, and leave you in a bad situation.

If a person like this sees how strong you are, they might change the story and act like they're the one who's been hurt. They start lying and blaming you for things you didn't do. They try to make you react to their actions by saying and doing things they know will make you upset until you can't take it anymore.

These types of people often compare you to others to make you feel like you're not good enough. They do whatever it takes to make you lose control and get angry. That's how they feel powerful and in charge, like they're not the only ones acting strangely.

Once they've made you react, they use it against you, making you feel guilty for getting upset. Even if you're a strong person, watch out for these tricks. The person will act like they're the one who got hurt, making you feel sorry for what you did and apologize. But they won't forget it. They'll keep these situations in their back pocket to use against you later.

Their goal is to make you look bad, like you're a person who causes problems and hurts others. They want people to think you're not a good person, even though it's all a lie. They played with your feelings until you couldn't handle it anymore, and then they made themselves the victim in this messed-up game."

From Quora

It is my opinion that DIL is a narcissist and that her mother is a covert narcissist. her father is a bully. No wonder she's so cruel and filled with hate.

I was calling to make peace, she attacked me, then blamed me to her mother and anyone else who would listen. I think I need to go visit them for say a month. ;)

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marginalizedmormon · 5 months ago

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What have we here?

"How does a narcissist react to someone they can’t break?

From Quora

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marginalizedmormon · 5 months ago

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the vindictive wife of my son

I can’t call her a daughter-in-law because that would give the assumption that she has behaved and acted like a family member. After 25 years of her lying and bullying, while fabricating scenarios to make herself look like a victim, i have to address her behavior because she has almost ripped my son completely away, trying to make me look like a monster. For some time she must have known she can’t punish me for whatever her concocted narrative is; beyond the truth that I have tried to be helpful and positive while she and her children have very rarely thanked me for gifts or my time or anything I have contributed. She figured out she could only hurt me by turning my son against me. But God sees through this destruction and has given me the knowledge that without a change of course, they are liable to be cursed. The only commandment that comes with a promise is that of “honoring your parents that your days may be long upon the earth..” (paraphrased). While I have asked for years, what is wrong and what is needed, what I can do and that we need to change the situation, and have never gotten any response, while her vitriol has grown to the point she may now poison herself. it’s in God’s hands.

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marginalizedmormon · 7 months ago

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Confusion.

A family member was injured badly in an accident recently. Over a hundred of my friends and acquaintances offered prayers for their healing and they are making good progress in p.t. although it will be a long road. Over the years there has been a lot of conflict between the parents and me , even though I don't know why. I wasn't told the reason nor how I could do my part to repair it when I asked.

Because of the severity of the injuries, this doesn't seem like a good time to hold a grudge and maybe the relationship can be salvaged, but I don't know how to move forward. Do you act as though 25 years of hurt and neglect didn't happen?

I had a great success over the weekend and instead of celebrating with me, my husband has been saying things intended to hurt me. It took away my joy over a project took me over 12 years to complete and successfully launch. I feel like I could walk out and be justified, but is that the right way to handle it? We are just starting a project that could be successful.

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marginalizedmormon · 1 year ago

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Thinking back

I have used this blog for quite some time to process difficult situations and to try to correct less than helpful thinking patterns. After communicating with one of my (former) step-brothers - does one ever un-adopt family members? I started thinking about my teenage experience with my former stepmother (I guess one can un-adopt toxic relationships.)

I was 14 when I left my mother's house to live with my father and his new family consisting of a wife (widow of a navy doctor and former fashion model,) her 4 children and the toddler that dad and she had given birth too.

It was a big change coming from a 2 bedroom apartment I shared with my mom, sister and brother. And a very tight budget that didn't allow for much extra- but these were the people I loved. I was starting to make some poor decisions, I wanted to be included with the in crowd and I missed my Dad. I thought maybe having him as a more-regular part of my life - I might do better. He was active in church, Mom wasn't and for some reason that also felt important. And there is some magnetic draw of an intact family for kids. The summer after my freshman year, I moved up the hill. Dad and his wife had bought a house in one of the fancy neighborhoods of the town I grew up in.

With a built-in pool and live-in help, they seemed very comfortable. They had Cadillacs and a van to take their blended family of 10 on local adventures. They would go to Arizona to visit my beloved grandparents (a trip my Mom wouldn't let me participate in because she didn't want me to be the designated babysitter.) I was the oldest. I was used to helping and that hadn't bothered me. My stepsister was a sad little thing, after the loss of her father - I believe she had been her Daddy's girl, she had a hard time when he died and was emotionally needy. Looking back now, I see that I too became emotionally needy in that environment.

The three little boys were just little boys - no threat or anything else but added humor because of their speech patterns. The toddler half-sister was just a cute bonus. I had taken swimming lessons with her to make her pool-safe, had gotten her off her binky (pacifier) and was amused by her antics like stuffing her slippers full of cut-up hot dogs at dinner. I dressed her up and took her trick-or-treating when I was too old to go. She was my pet baby.

After I moved out, my mom decided to move to Los Angeles to be closer to her parents and brother. I thought I would have the best of both worlds - live in comfort with my father and be able to go home to see Mom, sister and brother at will. But that disappeared. Without my Mom nearby, I was lost. If I had known she was moving I might have stayed with her, I don't know. But she was gone and I was stuck.

Soon after I joined the household, my Dad had back surgery for deteriorating discs in his spine. In the hospital, an infection set in and almost killed him. He was in the ICU for weeks, in and out of consciousness. I didn't know how dire the situation was. I was at a church youth activity when a phone call came, "your father is dying and your stepmother needs you to come home immediately." I must have gotten a ride. When I arrived at the house, she chastised me for being gone at such a critical time. I am pretty sure I did not know what was going on, but now, after getting my father back after 4 years, I was about to loose him forever. I was in shock.

God gave him back to us, but he was injured and needed extra care. my stepmother, a nurse, could attend to his needs but she also made me change the surgical pads on his unhealed draining back wound. I am not a nurse, nor do I have any desire to be one. It was gross. His recovery was difficult, they had let the live-in help go so I needed to do more around the house. My stepmother cornered me one evening and tried to shame me saying the women at church wonder why you are not able to step in and run the house. I was 14, my Mom had been working full-time for 4 years. We cleaned house on the weekend, how was I supposed to know how to run a household of 8? Besides, she had live-in help for years, she obviously wasn't able to run the house on her own. I was neither shamed nor inspired by her attack.

But I was given more to do. I was given a list and began doing the grocery shopping. I came home from school and was in charge of dinner, clean-up and getting school lunches packed, this effectively eliminated my ability to have a social life, go out for school activities or do normal teen stuff. That and the laundry, I had responsibility for the laundry for the family of 8. I wasn't given an allowance, but sometimes, my Dad would take pity on me and slip me a $20. I didn't feel I could ask for money or much help and the only attention I felt I got was when I was in trouble, which was fairly constantly because they lived by different household rules than I was used to. I was doing all of this unpaid work for people I didn't love. And I was always in trouble for breaking rules I didn't know about until I had done it and was being punished. They decided they didn't like my best friend and banned me from seeing or even talking with her. I lost my Mom, sister, brother and best friend all at once, it was very hard. One of their close friends at church was a doctor who had a daughter my age. We started hanging out, but to be honest, whenever I got in trouble or did something stupid, it was with her. My boho friend that they didn't like would remind me - you can't do that - you're a Mormon, but my Mormon friend kept doing things that were getting progressively worse.

To be fair, life there wasn't all bad. Sometimes my stepmother gave me little pieces of jewelry or special things. She had the room I would be sharing with my stepsister redecorated, albeit in a color and style that meant nothing to me, but they were trying. When I moved in with them, my wardrobe was rather sparse, as my Mom had stopped sewing my clothes (which I never cared for) and didn't have much money to buy what I wanted or needed. So my stepmom took me shopping to the popular boutique stores and with careful spending and summer sales, I started my sophomore year with a fresh new wardrobe - that was really fun.

My stepmother was the nurse at the high school. She felt that it would be important for teens to know where to get treated for STDs and pregnancy so she started a peer program, pulling in the popular and high-profile kids to teach students - down to junior high level, where to get free healthcare without their parents' knowledge. She had gotten into humanism with its lack of morality and was, I believe a feminist at heart. Showing herself publicly to be this caring, I'm there for you type, while neglecting her family seemed to me, hypocritical. There were no Christmas stockings or Easter baskets, few goodnight kisses, she came home and ate her dinner in her room instead of with her family. She told me that she had never wanted children, her doctor husband did, then he died and left her alone with 4 kids. Her parents had moved out from the mid-west to help her and her sister, but they were a different story.

Dad tried to pick up the slack as he could, making sure we attended church, paid tithing, kept up the yard, house and cars and made everyone breakfast on Saturday mornings. But the hands-on work of a mom rearing a family fell to others, and I had more than my share of it. At a time I should have started working; was offered a job at a local bookstore- but was told I couldn't accept it because I had too much (UNPAID) work at home. And I was always in trouble, so it seemed. No affirmation, no gratitude, no wage, just unappreciated work for people I didn't really care for.

And I was in trouble for telling people how things were at home. I was told not to talk. She would get me to confide in her, then I would be called in to be in trouble with her and my Dad. I couldn't tell if she was my friend or enemy. And I actually didn't hate being yelled at by both parents because at lest I was getting some attention. I got blamed for things I had no control over, like when my stepbrother wouldn't do his chores. I had responsibility but no authority. I could rarely have friends over. When my male biology partner came to the door one Saturday and gave me a rose (I had no idea that meant he liked me,) I got in trouble even though I didn't invite him in. When a new neighbor moved in and I invited him swimming I got in trouble for that, even though I already had a boyfriend and nothing bad happened.

On my fifteenth birthday, my new best friend and I planned to go to a movie to celebrate but I was not allowed to go. My stepmother was entertaining colleagues that night and I had to stay home to help serve. Could it have been any other night or did it have to be on my birthday? She made me call and invite people to a fashion show she was hosting. I hate calling people.

My happy place was taking the bus to Los Angeles to visit my Mom and siblings. When stepmother was angry and trying to control me she would threaten to cut off the visits. She said I was always angry and sad when I came home. That was probably true. My rides to LA were not without incidents. I was young and cute and Marines stationed at Camp Pendleton would try to hit on me on these trips, it was unwanted attention. Later, when I had a boyfriend he bought me a fake wedding ring so guys would leave me alone. Sometimes he would drive up to LA on Sunday evening to pick me up so I wouldn't have to take the bus. My parents never did.

One of the stepbrothers was starting to say suggestive things to me, in this day it would be considered harassment. Later my Dad would accuse her of having an affair with a humanist guru she was involved with. She divorced my Dad. He walked away with nothing but a broken heart. We always thought it was because it was her house. I found out years later they both had bought it but he didn't seem to have much say in how things ran and she ended up with the assets. When I returned to the house to pick up my bike which my stepbrother had appropriated, her mother followed me outside. Yelling at me and accusing me of breaking up their marriage. She hit me, I hit her back and told her to never touch me again. At least I was learning to stand up for myself. In true liberal form, stepmother had one day accused me of breaking up my parents' marriage, which I thought was ridiculous that the worst thing that had happened in my world would be blamed on me. I fought back. I accused her of killing her first husband and trying to kill my Dad. We were in the car, she pulled over and made me get out to walk the couple of miles back to my house. My Dad didn't know what to do, so he got out to walk back with me. She turned the car around, went back to the house, removed the phones and took the hidden keys so we couldn't get in and took off for her parents' house. My Dad was able to force a window open so we could get into the house, but with no phones, there wasn't much we could do that Sunday afternoon. He had a car key and we drove to his school, he made a reservation to stay at a hotel that night so fortunately we didn't have to face the raving lunatic again that day. She seemed hostile and hateful and was definitely abusive. The house I had gone to hoping for strength and unity was falling apart.

I, to this day, hate to be wrongly blamed for things. I don't like feminism. I try to unite family where I can and have a hard time trusting.

Anyway, struggling to fill the void of my Mom and siblings moving, best friend banished and extra housework, and being pulled from the young women's program at church to teach immorality was too much for my developing brain. A handsome, accomplished guy at school had started paying attention to me. I wasn't ready for a relationship but did not know how to dissuade his attention. Home life was toxic and I didn't have the ability to fix it. It was confusing, I didn't take it well and I reacted badly. A rebellion was in the works.

#marginalized mormon

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marginalizedmormon · 1 year ago

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At Law

April 16, 2022. My Mom lay lifeless in her bed. It was the day before Easter, and she had just slipped into eternity. As my sister and I and our husbands awaited the mortuary’s transport, we saw a man approach the front door. Of course we assumed that it was the funeral home but it wasn’t. A courier had a registered letter addressed to Mom. Ironically because of the timing, she couldn’t open it, so I did. Her youngest cousin John had a few days previously, passed away in Los Angeles. He was single and had no children. A organization that alerts families about deceased relatives was writing asking if we wanted them to hire a legal firm to file a claim for his estate. Still in shock from Mom’s final few days and passing just moments before, we set it aside. Our beloved little Mom was retrieved and her mortal remains were respectfully taken away.

Some time thereafter, we looked at the proposition. Because we lived in Salt Lake City, Utah where the organization’s main office was, I drove over to check the legitimacy of the company. They were in a building with professional signage and landscaping and when we looked them up online, they seemed legitimate. So my sister, cousin, uncle and I agreed and signed the contract. Because I was the closest to the office and could respond quickly to requests for signatures and such, I became the primary contact. The research company found 2 additional cousins in Greece and added them to the legal action. We learned sometime afterwards that a man, claiming to be John’s best friend from night school was claiming the estate but had no will to prove his claim. When it became apparent that John’s biological family would possibly inherit the intestate property, he hired an attorney and began to attack our claim, and us.

If he indeed was meant to inherit the property, wouldn’t he have a will or letter or evidence of some kind? Over the months that followed, I received a hand-written letter from him demanding that we drop our claim.

Then I received a document of several dozen pages demanding proof of our biological relationship to John. Fortunately my Mom was a genealogist and had ordered and kept birth certificates, family histories and almost everything that was needed. It took me 4 days to organize the requested documents and write my response, all at the time I was trying to finish a book I was working on before we moved out of state. in addition to the response, we questioned the authenticity of his claim. So far, I have seen no proof of the veracity of his case other than a letter from a co-worker of John who says John wanted him to have his half-million dollar retirement from LA City. Is it authentic? Court dates were scheduled and rescheduled. We moved and settled into our new home. Now I have learned that I’m expected to attend a settlement conference next month. I am waiting to hear from my legal team for advice. It seems he has no legal claim and that the aggressive posturing of his legal team is attempting to deflect their lack of documentation and throw us off-guard. What in reality is happening is that it’s ticking us off.

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marginalizedmormon · 1 year ago

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Anyone need forgiving?

As I approach the Father of Miracles, I’m again reminded of the need to forgive. Here are a few lingering dreads and unpleasant experiences that I am handing to God. the dil that was so ill-mannered and lied (it seemed like all the time) and who wouldn’t come to our home for holidays and special events. I suppose I should be grateful but I miss my son and I barely know his children. These things make me question finding joy in our posterity.

my bil who is so liberal and territorial. And competing/controlling. my mil who wouldn’t allow my kids to go to their family’s island. There was a time I wanted to “blend” and know more about them. Their not wanting my family around made it simpler for me as I didn’t need to care about them and their experiences.

a sil who is so competitive and proud that family doesn’t seem to carry much weight with him. He’s bullied my daughter into becoming his image-female version. my half sister who can’t seem to forgive something I said about her mother when she died. It was true but I never thought she would see it. And except for her mean-girl statements the day my Dad died, hasn’t wanted to have anything to do with me since then. I keep reaching out out of duty. Maybe she’s too much like her mom. God says we need to forgive before we can see His arm revealed in our behalf. I would love His help getting an agent and publisher for the book I’ve written. I may be too immature and small to do these things for the right reasons but I hope I’ll grow into them eventually.

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marginalizedmormon · 2 years ago

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I thought I had purged my mental files of the negative things that I’ve experienced in Utah but apparently I’m not finished.

Nepotism

prejudice against people who are not them

AR who sat at the breakfast table with me at a birthday brunch, wouldn’t talk to me, make eye contact or eat the casserole I had brought. Had a baby shower for a woman I ministered to, invited all the women in the ward but me. Her best friend’s sons tried not to pass me the sacrament on 3 Sundays. She and her family wouldn’t participate in events I invited them to from birthday parties to scout events. I took them homemade cinnamon rolls when his father died.

I attended funerals, helped with family luncheons, took care of dying friends. When my dad died I got a text that maybe came from the bishop, I'm not sure. On my hardest day, my 2 ministers came over to comfort me

when mom died in my home, I got a text from the bishop, 2 people came up at church to offer condolences and a week later the RS president brought me an orchid. That was it, it really hurt my feelings

A palpable dislike of Californians, especially odd when they haven’t met us or continually exclude us intentionally and I find so many things in California of superior quality. Disneyland vs Lagoon, the San Diego zoo vs the Hogle zoo, Monterey Bay aquarium vs the Sandy aquarium, the Pacific Ocean beaches vs the Salt Lake. Temperate weather and gardening year-round versus heat and snow. Lots of snow. Utah has great skiing but I don’t ski

aggressive, rude drivers -getting rear-ended at a red light, having the driver’s mother contact us saying her daughter has a perfect record and could we let their mechanic fix our car instead of going through the insurance because we were not injured, after we both had whiplash

poor spellers

so many possessive apostrophes on simple plurals

aggressive, rude behavior in public and private

being chewed out by some guy at church for being too busy with college to accept an extra assignment regarding the ward Christmas activity

when I was returning home from the hospital and stopped at smiths to get food, was in line and a woman crowded in front of us, put her groceries on the belt ahead of ours, explaining, not apologizing or asking to go first, that she was in a hurry to get her son to work

the mistaken notion that Utah products are superior to everyone else and Utah businesses must be supported with they deserve patronage or not

The incident in Costco where a woman tried to force me to buy Mrs calls caramels when I was buying Bequet brand which was far superior bcausemrs callsis a Utah brand

The Mandarin restaurant in Bountiful, cupbop, taco time,

ageism, although I was well-qualified for several jobs as an art teacher and was not hired

having a car window shot out

having my son accused of vandalizing a neighbor’s car when he was innocent and had helped the neighbor on several occasions

having my social media hacked multiple times-especially while traveling

being so fed up with the above activities and more subtle bullying and abuse that I refused to attend church with these people, and subsequently moved so I could participate and losing about $140,000 in equity

having a neighbor’s tree fall and tear the electrical wires off of our house and us having to pay for the repair, no power for 3 days and he didn’t offer to pay the $300 to have the power wiring and tower repaired nor did he apologize

not being allowed to serve at Davis High on the PTA, even though my catering skills and creativity far exceeded those I experienced

sitting in temple training and taking notes like I did in San Diego to take back to relief society to share, only to be accosted by some pushy woman as I exited

while in school at the u and working in addition to housekeeping, attending a 7:00 am meeting where the bishop wouldn’t talk or even look at me. There were only 3 of us present

being told women don’t make comments in Sunday school

working as an art teacher for a school with over 600 students and getting paid less than $13 an hour, with not enough hours to teach every class every week, I donated the time for 1 kindergarten class. Having 1/2 hour a week to prep- prepare lessons and art supplies for 630 students with no curriculum in place. I donated as many hours as I got paid for, effectively earning $6.50 an hour with a BFA. Only did it 1 year

being told by a smirking kindergarten teacher that one of her students’ parents complained their daughter wasn’t perfecting her art in my class. I had each class for 25 minutes a week with 25+ students in each class. I was introducing them to techniques and projects they could do independently outside of school.

having a 6th grader kick over my expensive camera on a tripod.the school paid for the repair but it never worked well after that

being repeatedly ignored at church even though I was an emerging artist and author. I wrote 60 articles that were published, was on 16 international radio interviews, made art for Macys city creek, was on television and hardly ever received any recognition or encouragement. There was one man and a neighbor that were very kind and encouraging

ignored and discouraged by the intake editor at shadow mountain

When I requested my records be transferred to a neighboring ward, I was told by the stake president that the 1st presidency had to approve the request. When I asked why the people in Kaysville 10 ward were so mean, he replied that they don’t like change and that I was fat. There were people in our ward that resided in another ward’s boundaries. They were wealthy.

was told by the adult daughter of a man who had been excommunicated for “outside ideas” that we didn’t fit the profile required by that ward

from my perspective, so many Utahns are culturally, artistically and intellectually deficient but they insist that if you are not doing it their way, you are wrong and deserve shunning or worse

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marginalizedmormon · 2 years ago

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Heading to Zion

As instructed by the Lord in Doctrine and Covenants 123, I am cleaning house before moving from Utah to Missouri, and by cleaning I mean emotionally. The move to Utah from my hometown was excruciatingly painful in every way. All of my dreams and comfort zone were erased in an instant. I have never felt at home here in the 16 years we've been part of the community. The attitude of so many is that we are permanent outsiders, relegated to a second class existence because we were born elsewhere. Seriously.

I've chronicled my discomfort over the years in this blog, but as I face saying goodbye, I still have feelings of animosity and unease and want to lose the bitterness before setting up a new home.

I know all Utahns are not bad. We've had some outstanding neighbors over the years. On the other hand we have been bullied, marginalized and mistreated by people who should have known better than to discomfort fellow disciples. It's been hard to live among people who are so sure that they are always right and everyone else is wrong and needs to conform. This from people who eat green Jello? Put possessive apostrophes in plural nouns, crowd in front of you in the grocery store line and try to run you off the road if you are in their way because whatever they are doing they are entitled to and you are an inconvenience and less than. I had a stepmother who treated me that way, it triggers me. Obviously there is room for improvement.

The "placism" practiced by so many Utahns has been appalling. Rather than getting to know me on a personal basis, I have been dismissed. and worse, with a broad "you're from California" which supposedly makes me an inferior creature. Actually, quite the opposite.

I have been taught manners and etiquette, practice good spelling, good language and a Christlike love for my fellow beings (I'm not perfect in any of these areas but I make an effort.) I drive courteously and defensively (certainly not the case among most Utah drivers.) Living in the midst of blatant discrimination has been puzzling and painful. I wonder if it has impacted my employability? I am fortunate to have a distinguished background in the church and through my family history. I am the daughter of many of the great rulers of Europe, Scandinavia and early American settlers. I never questioned my worth as a person, but the intelligence and charity of those who have discomforted me for having had the good fortune to have been born and reared in the beautiful state of California.

Because of the bullying and cruelty I experienced in Kaysville, I stopped attending church there to protect myself. In order to remain active in our church, we sold our house sooner than we would have liked and have lost about $150,000 in equity, which if we had now would allow us the opportunity to purchase our next home with cash.

This hurts as much as the cruelty.

Living in Utah has left a bitter taste in my mouth but because the Lord's church is currently headquartered here, I need to get rid of my animosity and disdain for this place. I love Jesus Christ and want to be valuable to Him, so I need to "woman up," leave the past behind and move forward in His service.

I know better and I need to do better. I will forgive you Utah.

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