mariaaamaaarquez

[mariaaamaaarquez]

the goal, the dream, and the beginning of chapter 18

wow hi uh hello.

today is september 21st 2019, 2:22 am

today is my college move in day for cwu

today i am eighteen years old

today

I move away from home.

today I am back and writing because there are a few things I need to say before I head off on this new journey.

when I decided I wanted to go to college, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

surely enough, I was right.

as a first generation student, and a Latina with parents who speak mainly Spanish- its a struggle. 

seriously not kidding.

when I began the whole process it was so hard to stay focused, but I knew what my goal was, I knew what the dream was, and I also knew it wasn't just for me, but for my parents who gave me this opportunity.

from the highest highs to the lowest lows of summer 2019, we finally came to the agreement that I would be attending CWU for the 2019-2020 school year.

the goal.

the dream.

so close 

grab it

reach for it

“I got it!”

I got it.

I'm currently sitting in my room, my very empty room and I thought to myself:

“what would little Maria be thinking, if she saw me right now?”

and then it hit me. little Maria, what would she think?

she is smart

she is brave

she is strong

she is independent

she is fearless

I want to be like her

I want to do that someday

thats what she would think

thats what she did think

and thats what she should always think.

big, or little.

because when I was in elementary, I seen the middle schoolers and wanted to be just like them- boom. done. then I was a middle schooler and I seen the highchoolers and oooh I wanted to be like them. yep, next. and then I got to high school, and now I see them people with expensive cars, nice ass houses, going back everything to their families...

I wanna be just like them.

and I will be someday, I know it.

to my family: los amo con toda mi alma y con todo mi corazón.

to my friends: thank you for nurturing and caring for our friendship, even on my worst times.

to my advisor: you turned into my best adult friend on the planet within days. I wouldn't have made it this far without you and I put that on everything.

to those teachers: the ones that had one impact or another in me, whether they're still here with us, or resting in paradise, thank you for always believing in me.

to the bonds that broke: I will still always be here, I believe people who are meant to be in your life will always come back one way or another, and if it wasn't meant to be, thats okay too. But for now, I leave full of joy, with all of the good memories made, deep down in my heart. thank you.

and to my mom, brother, and dad:

 well. they know, y'all dont have to ;)

so as I close off this final blog post from the comfort of my own room, I wanna leave off with this quote from Rocky Balboa: 

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows, it’s a very mean, and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.”

i am terrified for what’s to come in a few hours when i finally leave renton.

“from the 206 to the 509″

this isn’t just a new beginning for me, it’s also an end. a bittersweet one, thats for sure. but god I am so fucking grateful. i can’t wait to see what ellensburg has in store for me, I cant wait to see who I become friends with. I cant wait to see what kind of bs and trouble I get myself in and out of.

so, with that being said- sko cats & im gonna make fall quarter my BITCH!

here’s to new beginnings luvaaas!<3

besitos,

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

energy.

Okay HI! 

Currently writing this 38065 feet in the air, its -62 degrees outside, and I am zooming at a happy 541 mph! Fun Times!!!! 

(PS- The first half of this was written on my flight back home from SD, the second half was written today.)

I know that while I was away for the weekend in San Diego I was LACKIN w the blogs but a bitch is back and better than ever.

Anyways lets start.

Todays post is one thats genuinely been on my mind so freaking much, its crazy.

I dont know what it is. idk if its family, friends, relationships, or what thats triggering it. 

(Or maybe its just that im a virgo and I hate when I dont get things my way.)

whatever.

Im a big people person. I love people. I love being social and inviting towards others.

But sometimes thats a curse as much as it is a blessing.

Why?

Because sometimes, I create these images of people.

I’ll meet someone, and then based on how they act towards me, and the things they say, ill create this image of them in my head. But ive come to realize that when you first meet someone, its all butterflies, and rainbows- but when You really get to know them- when you get into the little crevices of their soul, and crack open their flaws and imperfections..

Thats when it gets me. Like reeeaallllyyy comes for me like a truck hitting me in the face. 

(or kinda like when you take a dab and you dont realize how big it is and then you realize but its too late and you start coughing like crazy ok yeah you get the point MOVINGGG ON)

The reason for it getting me is mostly because soon after getting to know people to a certain extent- shit changes. Some people maybe realize you aren’t the right person for them. But see I never notice that- I continue to try. And I dont even mean this just when im boy crazy- I mean it in general.

I continuously try and see the best in people. Which is so crazy to me because I have been hurt so many times (& counting) for letting myself continue to just see the best in people. You could throw a brick at my face and id still try and find a way to love you.

But would you do the same for me?

If I threw a brick at your face, would you still find ways to love me?

If I broke you

If I hurt you

The way you hurt me

Would you still find ways to love me?

No.

You wouldn’t.

And see thats what im tryna get at here. I am so good at forgiving, 

(dont get me wrong tho bc I dont forget) 

but its so easy for me to get hurt that way.

If a boy is giving me the same signals the last one did, and the last one broke my heart- what makes me think this one is different?

If a girl-friend was jealous of me and did everything she could to make me feel worse about myself than I already do- what makes me think I can trust the next one with my whole life story?

Seriously- I wonder I wonder I wonder,

What makes me think things are going to be different?

And as far as my family goes? Theres always something, no matter how much energy I put in, its never reciprocated back to me.

Its been like that a lot recently.

Dont get me wrong, im a very firm believer on the fact that people that are meant to be in your life WILL be in your life. 

I dont like forcing shit.

I dont like people doing a half ass job at maintaining a friendship, or relationship with me.

Im tired of it.

I know I deserve better.

Shit, I deserve the fucking world.

I deserve people that would go to the edge of the fucking universe if they had to for me.

Not no half ass only hit you when they’re bored or need something type of people.

My birthday’s coming up.

The bigggg eighteen.

There was a plan- a whoooole exciting ass plan

But now?

Do I even want to?

The vibe isn’t the same, with anyone

I dont wanna feel like I have to get drunk or high in order to have a god time with these people anymore.

I want to be able to say these are my people and this is why I am here.

But lately ive been getting such half ass energy I dont even wanna deal with it anymore.

I dont wanna be that girl.

The girl that goes away for college and goes completely ghost on everyone for the next four years- or maybe doesn’t even come back.

But right now,

Thats what its looking like.

Its kind of like that whole “people only miss you when you’re gone” type of shit (obviously im not dying but you get the point)

Will you miss me?

Will it even matter?

Doesn’t seem like it.

Its shitty, but its eye opening. 

Extremely fucking eye opening.

If my walls could talk, they’d be some of the saddest happy walls of all time. They’ve seen the face time calls, the movie nights with ex boo thangs or girl friends, all of it. 

Like have any of you ever thought about that? If your walls in your room could talk- what would they ask you about? WHO would they ask you about? 

“What happened to this person?”

“Did you just stop talking?”

“Weren’t you best friends?”

“ok seriously get out of bed”

Lmao that last one was just a funny relatable one that my walls would 99.9999% say to me if they could talk lmao-but all of the above as well sisters.

But if they did talk- I KNOW they’d know exactly what I mean about this energy one. Like seriously they’d probably think im stupid as fuck for always putting my 110% into people that won’t do the same for me.

but

there are certain people- certain friendships

that I would give my life for.

I would put myself in jeopardy for these people.

and one specific one has been on my mind lately 

and I would blow up my entire life for her.

matter of fact- I already did.

she is my backbone and my rock- and I value her so much.

she's the one that could throw a brick at my face and id still find ways to love her, and lately my energy has been off with her.

not anymore. 

no more lies

no more secrets

and it could mean im risking it all

risking her

risking other people

and risking myself

but I leave in three weeks, and someone like her?

I will never find someone like her

she is a light

she is a beauty

she is a ball of life

waiting for her time to come

so she can shine as bright as the sun

she is amazing

and I would take a million bullets for her if I had to

and just like that, as my phone blows up- the truth has come out,

and the energy, will forever be unmatched. 

fuck em’.

besitos, 

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

151

okay HI EVERYONE nice to see ya nice to see ya.

okay total side note before we begin; I got a new set of nails and I haven't had them since I came back from camp and the sound of my nails clicking on the keyboard rn is sooo damn satisfying I MISSED MY CLAWS.

anyways hi um so todays post is gonna be partially sentimental and partially just me snapping tf off about what happened to me last Wednesday. 

so lets begin.

as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I have a brother. His name’s Daniel, he's 11 years old, and on Wednesday, he started his first year at the LOVELY Nelsen Middle School.

sixth mf grade and I still have no clue where time went because it seems like last week I was saying “when I graduate high school you’ll be getting ready to go to sixth grade!” 

like excuse me tf stop growing.

anyways.

his first day was wednesday, but on tuesday we were trying to figure out what bus route he was on because we knew where the stop was, just not what the number was. 

SURPRISINGLY enough (that was total sarcasm btw) the district office wasn't helpful at ALL and so he was instructed to go to the office in the morning and ask what bus he was supposed to be on. since we had moved my eighth grade year, we didnt change the address in the system for him because if we did then he would've gotten moved and he didnt wanna leave the elementary school he was at, SO the bus stop that was assigned to him in the system was the stop by our old house that I used to take. we forgot to change the address hence the fact that we had to figure out his route.

so wednesday morning as im at the nail salon I get a call from my mom who was at work and she sends me a picture that my brother sent her from school with the bus route on it. it was a bus permit he had been given so he knew which one to get on. 

2:35 hits and so I call my brother.

“hey you getting on the bus?”

“no I dont know which one to get on.”

“wtf Daniel its literally on the paper they gave you.”

“ohh THATS the bus number?”

“WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE. 151 find bus number 151 and get on that one.”

“okokok” I hang up and then immediately text him afterwards to let him know to text me when he's close to our apartments.

no response.

I text him again- no response, again.

I kinda just let it go and then at 2:45 I go to the stop to wait for him, and of course theres other parents and siblings there, and then it hits 2:55 and the bus pulls up. 

(mind you I had called and texted more times and no response to any of those)

im standing there waiting- and nothing. 

he doesn't get off the bus.

so obviously me being me I started freaking out and so I start BLOWING UP his phone- FaceTime, snapchat, calls, messages, I EVEN DM’D HIM ON INSTA AND

nothing. 

I call my dad freaking out and so then he tried and same thing no response.

at 3:11 I get a text from my brother.

“by the way I'm here.”

EXXXXXXCUUUUUSSSEEEE YOU?!

“Daniel Alejandro Flores Marquez call me right fucking now.”

*phone rings*

“hello?!” “hi im here”

“what the actual fuck is wrong with you do you understand all the shit you just put me through? do you understand what mom and dad would've done to me if something ever happened to you?! why the hell do you have a phone if you aren't gonna answer! 

so to bore you from me just being angry with him afterwards, he basically decided to leave his phone on silent even while on the bus because he didn't wanna get in trouble.

ok lol.

so you obviously might be wondering if this was one of those in the moment situations and now looking back at it wondering too if it was just not as big of a deal as I made it BUT there was a good though or series of thoughts that came out of one of the most stressful situations ive been in ever. and its this:

being the oldest sibling is so so so hard. 

(shoutout to all of you oldest siblings bc we deserve some mf respect)

being an oldest sibling is all fun in games until you genuinely realize that you have a little mini version of you that will watch your every move and follow in your footsteps. you suddenly have to watch your decisions because you have a little ones or more than one little person just looking up to you watching what they’ll do next. what happened with my brother I can look back on and laugh about now, but I genuinely saw myself in him. I saw myself and how I would react every time I made a stupid decision at his age. I also saw how sorry he was by the look in his eyes

its a specific look.

I used to wear it on my face all of the time

not anymore- because im... not.. a... kid.. anymore... (?)

it was so crazy to me because after it happened and after I let out all of my anger and rage- I was like

holy shit

i literally just sounded

like

my MOTHER.

like tf typa shit is that? 

it genuinely made me begin to think deeper and deeper into something that was sooo small- but Maria being Maria turned it into something huge that made me realize how much ive matured and how much ive grown.

my brother started middle school.

I’m starting college.

I turn eighteen in twenty days-

time is going by faster than ever and im starting to have those “I feel so so old” moments more frequently now and its insane.

more adventures await, 

but for now, I guess I just have to focus on not losing my little brother when im held responsible for him. 

[ that wasn't funny before- but its funny now(; ]

aaaand thats all! so so insane this post was supposed to go up like 4 days ago but life has been hectic as fuck and im just now at the airport in san diego getting ready to go back home- but dont worryyyy I got some juicy ass shit coming this week, since its the most amount of time ive been out of the house since camp and im genuinely a bed potato. 

new post up tomorrow! 

love you guys

besitos,

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

mirrors

hi! happy monday! well tbh not so happy Jesus, I hate Mondays. I also hate how fast time is going by like um hi its Virgo season?! for all my zodiac people who are into that stuff ive been so invested in it recently and its kinda scaryyy how accurate my shit has been. BUT ANYWAYS times flying by and its almost September meaning college move in day is closer, AAAND im almost eighteen FINALLY. 

finna go craaaazyyyy ;) 

anyways today’s post we’re gonna go a little back in time, and talk about something I feel like I used to struggle with soooo much throughout middle school and my first two years of high school which was looking in the mirror.

horrible.

as a sixth grader, thats kind of when my body started changinggg, my friends started becoming- weird, problems at home were just constantly popping up because I kept acting out- all in all, middle school? low-key worst years of my LIIIFE. 

self acceptance is something I feel like we all have to work on at some point, right? there’d be times when I would just look at myself in the mirror and genuinely just hated everything I saw. I hated everything about it. 

(which is honestly so funny now because one, I used to be a BITCH and two, it was my personality that was ugly, not me- well jk I was kinda ugly lmao YIKES)

anyways, it got to the point where when I started losing friends, I thought it was because of the way I looked, or acted. (mind you I was more of a bitch to people I didn't know, I tried to be nice to my “friends” LMAOO) but in all honesty like if im just trying to be real- I genuinely just thought I was ugly and I was just so insecure in general and it got to my head. I would look at my friends at the time and id be like damn like im nothing compared to them- ya know? 

I know its so sad to look back on it now that im genuinely thinking about it.

it wasn't until my junior year that I actually became more confident with myself, and my body. I thought that it was because now I had an ass and I had tits and in that time I thought and was under the impression that that was all that mattered.

plot twist: it wasn’t.

my junior year was the first year I began to reconnect with old friendships again. I had lost so many friends and my junior year I was committed to trying to fix lots of open wounds and find the closure I needed. 

mirrors used to be my biggest fear, because of the fact that when I looked in any mirror, all of the insecurities just made their way out and it was as if the words would just appear on the mirror itself.

(lmao kind of like when people write on their mirrors with lipstick or some heartbreak shit like that LOLLL)

okay anyways but seriously like-it was bad.

It even got to a point where I was scared I was going to fall into an eating disorder because of how much I hated how I looked. junior year, helped in the sense that I started dressing better FIRST OFF. & second off, I was trying- but not too hard. and also a big thing was that I began to surround myself with people that made me feel more confident. people that were genuine and real about how they felt about me. 

it was the push I needed to just boost myself up a little bit. 

I came fully to my senses senior year. senior year was genuinely so good to me even with its bullshit parts (because of course it had its bullshit parts) but I came to the realization that it wasn’t what was on the outside that I had to work on- it was everything on the inside. 

(no deadass all of my current friends I have at the moment either hated me at some point or just thought I was a straight up BITCH.) 

it wasn't until I became closer to more people, that I finally came to the realization that yeah the glow up helped- but it was mostly because I was tempted to grow as a person mentally, and emotionally. I became more selfless, more humble, and I cannot stress how much of a change that made in my life.

I no longer looked in the mirror and thought I was ugly.

I no longer looked in the mirror and felt insecure.

I was just- me.

its so weird looking back and seeing how unconfident I was and how insecure I was because if you ask anyone- I was one of the most outgoing people you could've met. I was in ASB, leadership, I dressed up for all the spirit days, and people knew who I was. 

that was all an act.

see my problem was, behind closed doors, behind the face of makeup, and the nice outfit, who really was I? 

was I just a person putting up a front so that people would like me? 

was I only able to act confident when I wasn’t alone?

yes yes and yes.

I wanted people to see the version of Maria that I always aspired to be. the version of myself where I felt confident and worthy and didn't need any reassurance or support from anybody. because the way I saw it at the time, was that 

as soon as you let someone in, you’re also giving them the opportunity to leave. 

and thats what I was afraid of. 

I was afraid of showing someone, anyone, how vulnerable I was at the time, because I always assumed they would leave and have everything I opened up to them about, with them, forever.

but you see, I soon came to realize that you will NEVER be okay with the person you are, until you let yourself be vulnerable. which is so fucking hard because I knowwww y'all know being vulnerable is so scary because you dont know what to expect from the person or the people. but when I finally understood, that it was okay to not be okay, well

everything got better from there.

I became the version of myself I always wanted to be.

the version of myself that I am now.

of course, im still working on a lot. a lot.

but, the difference now is that I managed to fully show my vulnerability and I let people in. is it still scary? always. the fear of losing people who ive been vulnerable with haunts my mind every single day. but we have to just say fuck it sometimes and take our risks because you never know why certain people cross paths with you. you never know what purpose each person is supposed to serve.

now, heres the lesson learned, and the takeaway I want you to have as this blog post comes to a close:

if you would've asked me to leave my house without makeup 4 years ago, id tell you that you were crazy. if you would've gave me a list of the people id be leaving high school with, and the people id be friends with in 2019, once again, id call you crazy. but what I learned from making my way through being as insecure as I was, was that I didn't feel pretty, because my personality was what was showing in the mirror. the version of me that only cared about putting up an act and hiding who I really was.

that was my mistake.

you should never be afraid to be yourself, you should never feel like you have to pretend to be okay just because you're scared of being vulnerable.

being vulnerable is what makes us human. 

being vulnerable is what makes us human.

being vulnerable is what makes us human.

being vulnerable is what makes us human.

the scars we have marked on our bodies, on our hearts, thats what makes us the people we are. dont run from it, embrace it! 

there is only one version of yourself in this entire universe (even though you probably do have someone who looks exactly like you in the world) nobody will have the exact same personality as you ever. 

I tried hiding my scars, I avoided being vulnerable, and it got me nowhere. it got me fake friends, problems, and a fat load of bullshit. 

and then I accepted myself as MYSELF, I opened up, I became vulnerable, and I can say now without a doubt, that I worked on myself and now looking in the mirror, is just a reminder of how much ive grown, and how much ive matured. 

and wow. does it feel pretty fucking nice to say that.

and thats all I have for you guys today! see you guys next post, and thanks for keeping up with me<3

besitos,

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

Ninety-Nine out of One Hundred

today’s post is going to be a little different, instead of talking to you, im just going to write. you’ll get the gist of it. okay, so let’s begin?

why, I wonder. is it because I have serious daddy issues from my childhood? is it because I like the adrenaline? I dont know why. I really dont. I wish more than anything that I did know, maybe if I did- well then id be over it. 

I continuously think if everything he said was ever genuine, or if it was just a way for him to get me to tear down my walls and let him in. but, he wouldn’t do that, right..? the worst part is that if I talk about it, it won't seem right. if I keep silence, it hurts even more. hence why we are here.

he was kind of like the prince charming I always had my eye on, but never thought id be with. kind of a celebrity crush, you could say. 

I keep replaying moments in my head, reading old messages, and even though I promised myself I wouldn't continue to do it, I still do. he can’t tell me there was nothing there- he just can’t. how is it possible for someone to be so real, and open, and loving, and then the next day it just fades. 

its not the same- mainly because of the fear of the consequences. the fear of what people will say. just fear. but thats just the kind of person he is, no matter how many times he denies it, the fear of vulnerability and the fear of not being accepted- it is always there- its always been there. you can’t push someone to be the person you want them to be, but god I wish I had pushed him. I wish I had let it be known that I didn't care what the outcome was. I wish I wish

I wish.

I left out one detail before; the dream-

it was him. crystal clear, it was him.

kind of weird I know, but it never happens. its never clear, but this time it was. and as old cinderella said “a dream is a wish your heart makes.”

funny how things play out, right?

not really, I wish it were funny to me, but instead its all kind of just a blank page that im waiting to get filled- but at this rate, I dont think that will ever happen.

I hate it

I hate it

I hate it

getting myself into situations that end up like this. and I want to hate him but I can’t. I want to hate him because out of all people he knew about my past, and my present, and if everything that came out of his mouth wasn’t real- thats why I want to hate him.

but I can't. and I won't.

“dont fall hard, mija. it never ends good. I know this is just the type of girl you are, once you fall you fall hard but please, not this time.”

I didn't listen.

but mama always knows best.

when an eyelash falls off my eye and I have it on my finger, i make a wish. this happened to him, and I told him he had to make a wish.

 he made his wish.

he looked at me and said

“I think it just came true.”

straight out a movie right? I wish. why? 

because movies have happy endings.

I don’t want it to go away.

I want it to be back like how it was.

we had plans, a movie to watch still, so much.

god I won’t ever understand how one person can just affect my entire world and turn it upside down in the best way possible and then just boom-

gone.

did it ever mean anything?

was it all a fake?

when he said everything he said, did everything he did, acted the way he acted, was there anything there? or was I just a distraction?

was I?

is that all I am?

why do I care so much? its not that serious.. right?

actually it is that serious, at least for me, well actually like- wait no jk- well -unless.. 

unless I am thinking way too high of him. I always have thought so high of him. I thought and kept it to myself for years. I saw the light in his eyes, I saw the way he could light up any room he ever walked into, and I stayed in the shadows as much as I could- and when I finally had it in the most unexpected way possible-

did I fuck it up?

was it actually my fault?

my fault for reasons him and I both know?

and this is where it gets me.

because somehow

someway

I always end up thinking something’s wrong with ME. 

I always end up thinking its my fault,

but if it is

then shouldn't he be hurting and not me?

does it even hurt him?

does it even matter?

do I even matter?

or has it never mattered at all?

he is one of the purest souls I know. along with his defects lmao, he is such a beautiful person inside and out. and when I was with him I felt like I was dreaming I even asked him to pinch me. 

definitely not a dream

thats the realest I've felt in a long time.

I dont hate him, I could never. I hate what he did, but maybe im just too good of a person, right? because thats me, the person who always puts others’ feelings before her own. thats me.

he was the most beautiful rose in my garden, in perfect reach, and I reached for it, held it, took care of it, loved it, made it happy, and then I looked down at my hands, covered in blood, from the damage his thorns caused.

ouch.

I hope one day I can look back on this and laugh

I hope maybe one day that dream will come true

I hope one day I’ll know whether all of this was real or just a fairytale that never got its happy ending.

but for now, all im gonna say, is

“its fine!”

he was- he is my ninety-nine out of one hundred. & I don’t know how long it will take for that to go away.

——————————————————————————

well

that was different- right? also don’t speculate, this isn't about anything recent, but it does get to me once in a while. aaand thats all I have for you guys in today’s post, catch you all later my loves <3

besitos,

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

t.o.p.w.r

and we’re BACK ladies and gents! ahhh hello hello nice to see ya nice to see ya.

okay so today’s blog post is based on the thing that all of us are thinking but none of us wanna admit because its way too much for our brains, but more so our hearts, to process or even think about.

some of the major things that we all got told in high school were:

-dont skip class

-dont fail classes

-party but not too hard

-study study study

-enjoy. it because when you leave theres no going back

oh yes, the last one. you see, when I was in high school, all of these things except the last one were very important to me. that was up until junior year. I was smoking all the time, I was skipping, I failed my first class that year (I'm hispanic so imagine how my mom took that HAH) and I even almost got kicked off ASB & Leadership AND suspended because of a stupid decision. and then I somewhat got my shit together and managed to pull through to graduation and I got to give my family something that they all so well deserved for pushing me to get through. on graduation day- well actually lets go back a little for a second-

senior sunset.

wowowowowowwwww this night- I don't even know how to describe this night to people that weren’t there. it was just. beautiful. genuinely, beautiful. it was everyone’s last hurrah before the big day we all had coming for us, and the energy felt that night is something I've never felt before (or maybe we were all just really crossed and looked like idiots, but did we die tho?) aAAnyways besides the fact that we were all fucked up (seriously) in the middle of a beach in the middle of the night- we all knew this was one of the last times we’d all be together again. but none of us wanted to think about that (especially me but I went too hard on the mikes and ended up crying on my girl’s shoulder because I was an emotional wreck at the time I WAS GOING THROUGH A LOT OK?! and yes theres a video.) but there was something about that night, when the Lindbergh class of ‘19 came together, and just sang “young wild & free” and everything around us was gone. It was just us, cheap alc, our bestie Mary Jane, and everything else didn't matter. No cares in the world, no responsibilities, just happiness, that we had finally “made it.”

Graduation Day.

June 17th 2019. 

As we’re getting ready to go into the showare center it honestly still hadn't hit me. I was in a pretty short floral dress, with my navy blue cap and gown over it, ready to end this shit once and for all (I hated school) because its what we all wanted, right? So I walked into that arena, head held high, walked across that stage, snatched that diploma case, (still think its stupid that they don't give you the real thing and then call it a day) I looked up to the sky and thanked god for letting me get to where I was even after all the bullshit that was in my way in the past. I had finally DONE. THAT. SHIT. after graduation and after my dinner with my family, after a good hour of begging I finally convinced my mother to let me go to the graduation party, once again at alki beach. so I went, and I expected it to be just like the senior sunset. going into it, already totally different. yes it was amazing and it was so much fun to the point where to be quite honest the night is pretty blurry... LMAOOO. 

but I knew something was... off. 

I couldn't put my finger on it though.  

present day.

now I know. a few days ago I went and hung out with an old friend, who was one of my best friends in highschool and man oh man the adventures we went on (too many!) we got the chance to catch up and he said something that finally made me realize the one thing that was missing on graduation night, and what made me realize that just like that- its all over. like- for REAL now. and these were the words that came out of his mouth:

“the old people were right.”

you see the night of the senior sunset we all knew we were going to all be together again, we were graduating days after. but on graduation night, even though not a lot of people talked about it, we all knew that this was the last time. we knew that we were never all going to be together like that ever again, and thats what was missing- the hope. the excitement. the anticipation. for once, we all didn't know what to be hopeful for or what to expect or if we were happy or sad- it was just a whole lot of 

b l a n k  s p a c e .

when we started high school everyone (parents, teachers, former alumni, even strangers) would always try to make us “enjoy” the four years of our highschool careers as much as we possibly could. and yet- none of us listened? lots of us enjoyed it to the absolute fullest. had our fair share of school, and hood rat shit- but if we fully enjoyed it- why is it that everyone I've asked, would go back in a heartbeat? why is it that we spent almost everyday wishing and waiting for the day we got to say we graduated and we never have to go back- but now the only thing we want, is to go back? and that is why, the old people were right. they knew, because just like it happened to us, it happened to them, and it’ll happen to our children, and our children's children and pretty soon for us, it’ll be just a memory.. I mean- it already is, 

just a memory.

the people that I knew in high school, are not the same people I know now. everything is different, everyone is different, everything is changing, and everyone changed. things aren’t the same anymore, and I am officially convinced they never will be (trust me on that one because some unexpected ass shit has happened and my thoughts and my heart have been all over the place- but thats another story.) I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not happy, I am not excited. I don't know how to feel- mainly just because everything’s moving so quick that I don't even know what to feel.

numb, maybe?

in all honesty, for those of you reading that are still in school, make that shit count. please please please make that shit count. 

trust me.

don't let it go in one ear and out the other.

its hard, I know. I also know though, that its not hard to enjoy your live while you're living it. cherish the friendships around you, don't spend so much time on your phone, and pay attention to your surroundings, and most importantly, do whatever it takes, to keep yourself happy. 

go to the football game.

go to the dance.

its ok to not study tonight and go have fun.

fuck what everyone else thinks. 

fuck what people say about you.

fuck that teacher who's never paying attention.

fuck that ex that cheated on you.

fuck person or group of people that stays coming for you. 

fuck that test you didn't pass, use it as motivation for next time. 

fuck that crush you had that didn't put you first. 

fuck EVERYTHING that gets in the way of your happiness because without your happiness, there is nothing. 

just b l a n k  s p a c e .

it’s okay to be selfish and put yourself first, trust me on that one. (firsthand experience, still working on it, not fun, I know, lol.)

live your life, to the absolute fullest, that way, you will feel like you wanna go back because you miss the memories, but you won’t ver feel like you HAVE to go back, because its all you ever had.

because ladies and gents, life is so much more than that.

currently, i’m on my path in that direction. leaving an old life behind is bittersweet, but

the view is pretty damn great.

besitos,

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

“I was never “daddy’s little girl” or “daddy’s little princess,” so when a guy tries to show me some male affection, I don’t know how to react. I end up pushing it away. I never realize when a guy is loyal, because loyalty was never proven to me from the start. I will never be 100% certain in a relationship because the man that was never supposed to hurt me, did.”

-Unknown

[mariaaamaaarquez]

the second one- where does this start?

okay okay so I guessss this is the part where I kind of have to talk about myself since honestly truly now that I think about it- not a lot of people know MY story.. its usually me asking to someone else what theirs is and why they are the person they are, but sometimes not even my closest best friends know, because they never asked? weird, I know lmao. buuuut okay where to start right? well I was born in Guatemala, September 21st 2001, for the ones who didn't know hahah aaaand I was a happy kid. always a happy kid. to keep the long story as short as possible, moms filed for a divorce, father said no. for my fifth birthday though, they both wanted to take me to Disneyland, in Cali. this meant that we had to get a tourist visa from Guatemala granting us permission to leave the country, which for those of you who don't know how that process works, its HARD. somehow we managed to get it, and a few weeks later I was celebrating my birthday in Disneyland. that was when my mom made the decision to run away from my dad. obviously telling this story now, I know we had family in Virginia. and being an immigrant traveling with your also immigrant daughter as you're already in the United States- not so hard. I woke up to my mom packing bags, she just told me to go back to sleep and that we were going to the beach later that day. I, listened to my mom, and proceeded to waking up basically in an airport. just like that my life had shifted. we flew into Virginia, and proceeded to living there, hiding for six months. hiding was tough. my father had even filed a missing child case basically saying I had been abducted. Amber Alert who, right? During my time there, I did start to notice money coming in, we would go shopping, and I would get random presents out of nowhere. AAAAnd thats where my stepdad comes in. Once again, to summarize, my (now stepdad) had been in contact with my mom ever since they were high school teenage sweethearts. when my mom split up with him, it was because he had decided to flee to the United States and stay as an illegal immigrant. that’s when she met my father and had me- talk about a cockblock. anyways I soon came to find out that all the money and presents coming in, were from him. he came to Virginia for Christmas, also took me to New York for the first time and I got to get hello kitty EVERYTHING inside that Toys R Us- and then we came back home to Virginia and I was completely in awe of how good this man was treating me and my mom- aaaandd thats when they dropped the bomb on me. We were moving to Seattle. shortly after making that decision, it was January of the year 2006 and I was on a plane (again) and headed to my new life, with a new dad, and SOOO many new toys. I was happy. 

Fast forward a few months, moms is pregnant, has my brother in 2007, I can suddenly speak and understand English FLUENTLY, and I have an entire new family. As if it couldn't get crazier, my 3rd grade year, my biological dad reached out to my mom, told her he was in town. I had no idea until we stepped into the closest mall by my house, and there he was. Live and in the flesh, it was my father. I ran into his arms and obviously balled my eyes out, and I just couldn't believe it. 

Fast forward a few years, he visited again and then after that visit went kind of MIA. No more emails, or letters, and most definitely no calls. When I turned 13, I still waited for that phone call, waited all day for my mom to tell me “your father’s on the phone” and nothing. Until it was 1AM, September 22nd, and my mom told me THATS when he called. 1 fucking am here, meaning 3 am over there, basically the day after my birthday. After that year, noting stayed the same. No longer waited, or anticipated, just- nothing. I later came to find out through social media, that he was having a daughter. Insane. I couldn't believe it, but part of me saw it coming. I mean this is what I wanted right? for him to move on and start his new life, and I didn't care anymore if I was a part of it... right? On my 16th birthday, he called. By this time I wanna say my little sister was probably around 3 or 4, (still hadn't gotten a call, until now.) When he called me I was in the middle of a small get together with just family, my boyfriend and bestfriends at the time had already left and I heard the phone ring. my mom looked at it and went silent, and showed me the phone. I knew who it was. I recognized the number. and I didn't want to answer, but I needed answers. 

so I pick up.

“hello?”

“hi mija, god how I've missed you I can't believe I actually got a hold of-”

“stop.”

you can’t believe you got a hold of me? you never tried.

I proceeded to basically cussing him out, and asking about my sister. You know when you accidentally rat yourself out to your parents by saying something you shouldn't have? yeah thats exactly what happened to my not so dearly beloved father. he basically spit out that my sister’s mother was the same bitc- lady, that my dad had cheated on my mom with- go figure! no wonder the woman ran away from you, jesus. 

“look, im sorry. god I am so sorry for everything I promise I will make it up to you what do I have to do?”

“never speak to me ever again. just like how I was basically dead to you and had no right to know the truth about everything, as far as im concerned the only thing that connects us is blood.”

he ruined my 16th birthday.

never talked to him ever again.

fast forward to my senior year- tf when did that happen?

I’m in Washington DC on a school trip (so much fun by the way AMAZING) and I call my mom to say hi and catch up (actually just calling because she was across the country and if she didn't hear from me she’d think I was dead inside the White House or something, hispanic moms, you know) and she then proceeds to tell me that she saw on Facebook (once again this damn social media) that my dad had just became a father, again. another baby sister. also that he had been living back and forth from Germany to Guatemala. 

sounds like a blast daddy dearest. 

(yeah he has a lot of money by the way, still waiting on the child support from the past decade but its good HAH) 

FAST FORWARD AgaIINNN to March of 2019. 

I became a legal resident of the United States, free to travel in and out of the country without a problem, free to work wherever I wanted, free to go to college and actually have a social security number when im asked for it- just simply free. 

April 2019. 

The month I got the chance to go back to my beloved Guatemala for the first time in thirteen years. THIRTEEN. To not bore you with all the details of my trip, on the last night, fate decided that it was time, and yes ladies and gents, there he was, in the flesh, my father. I always call him “father” and my stepdad “dad” just because all that other guy did was help with the process of me being born he was never a real dad to me ever, as heart wrenching and harsh as that may sound. so fuck him. seriously, fuck him. I saw him, with tears of anger streaming down my face and my entire body shaking, and he walks up to me crying.

he leans in for a hug.

“not a step closer don’t you dare touch me.”

he walks away and disappears into the crowd of hundreds of people, and I proceeded to having the worst panic attack I have ever had. paramedics asking if I was okay, my mom on the floor with me as I was sobbing and screaming, and everyone scared out of their minds because suddenly I felt trapped in a ball of water with no air as everyone watched the color of my skin slowly beginning to fade until I became white as snow. when I snapped out of it and finally calmed down, I cried. god I cried so damn much. I was so hurt, mostly because part of me thought he would take a stand for once and try. just try. even though I told him not to I knew a part of me wanted him to, but he didn't. and he disappointed me- just as I expected he would.

haven't heard of him since.

that was almost five months ago. and that leads us to today, the present! and thats my story, without all the minor details because with those included id have people reading for hours. But, even after this longgg ass post, if you're still here hi! thanks for reading, and for being interested in my story? not a lot of people tend to be, but if im gonna be writing on here I might as well include it- right?  

anyways- yep thats me, this along w other crazzyyy things are part of what shaped me to be the person I am today. As for my family? My mom, my dad, and my little brother? I’d take a bullet.

and as for my father? 

I don’t know,

I don’t bother to ask,

I don’t care.

besitos,

ria.

[mariaaamaaarquez]

the first one ?

so I guess I wanna get back into writing since I've decided to start this... blog? ugh idddk that sounds so corny buuuuut its fine ?lmaooo. well I guess I wanna do one of these a week, based on what crazy shit is going on in my life at the moment so that way I can eventually go back and reminisce like the corny bitch I am. QUICK WARNING this is probably the most raw and vulnerable I could possibly get. so let’s get into it I guess? currently its monday august 19th 5:41 pm and I don't think theres a better way for me to talk or feel like im talking to someone than for me to start writing again. all of middle school and freshmen and sophomore year, I would keep journals and I would always write in them. it was a way of me expressing myself when I felt lonely, or isolated. Ive been feeling that way recently, and surprisingly, a part of me is okay with that. for all the hispanics out there, Como dice mi mama, “mejor estar sola que mal acompañada.” does it get shitty at times? yes. fuck yes. but mostly because as summer’s coming to a close, im really starting to realize, the people I left high school with aren't always gonna be there- they aren't now. things are changing- soooo damn fast. and I don't know how I could possibly be so sad, but yet so happy about it. currently on a 50-50 ledge on whether I’m going to Central or staying in Renton for 2 more years and then transferring. it’s rough because of how many factors play into each scenario. but I am so ready to get out of here. yes the thought of staying home sounded nice at first, but it was also for the people here, but now it seems like the only people who care that are here are my parents, and of course my little brother. the rest of my family cares too obviously, but its not that big of a deal to them, right? other than that, it genuinely feels like theres nothing left for me here. is that sad? because I don't feel extremely sad, its.. bittersweet.

in high school they always told us “enjoy your teenage years, as soon as you walk out of these halls one last time, you won’t ever get to go back.”

As much as I hate to say it, the old people were right.

and don’t even get me started on boys, and however I would say that shit’s going for me right now. let’s just say- tough. extremely tough.

as for everything else, I spend my free time watching netflix or hulu, doing my basic hood rat shit here and there, staying home, and talking to my best friend, (who for some reason is still there and still puts up with me, even though- thats a different story..) he's the best. Life is really good, aside from some of my sad moments, because theres always the sad moments. I miss camp, so much, & I’m still searching for my person that will make me feel like I’m at mt. oly every fucking day. ill find out soon if I’m leaving or staying, and a new chapter will begin. until then, I’ll update soon, oh and if you're still here reading, welcome to my life.

besitos,

ria.