marikos-diary

[marikos-diary]

I think I’ll keep my diary here but write about Boo on my main blog. Right now this diary is my safe space because I am very afraid of opening my dashboard for some reason. Idk it’s just hard.

Anyway, I’ve had a series of pretty good days! Getting up, getting dressed, going out places. Nothing major like events but running errands and stuff. which is still pretty major for me so. Yay! I didn’t get dressed today because it is the weekend and I didn’t want to. Mostly because I didn’t want to. And I am okay with that.

Still struggling with hygiene. I don’t know if it is a SZA thing or a PTSD thing but it is a thing now. Well, more than before. Mostly showering or taking a bath. I ended up installing a security camera on my front door and that helped me calm down enough to take a bath short enough to wash my body, and that was major because it had been like two weeks. I immediately went and ordered a camera for every room (yes, even my bedroom. Maybe especially my bedroom!). I was able to do it again a few days later and wash my hair. That was this past Tuesday. Major victory. It’s been hard since then though. The new cameras weren’t here yet but last night I managed to use bath wipes everywhere when I was changing for bed, including special down there ones for ph balance which sounded important. That was the closest I have come to anything resembling a shower since Tuesday.

The cameras arrived yesterday and I charged them last night and finished putting them up about an hour ago. I tested them as much as I could. They seem to randomly drop WiFi which is super dumb but whatever they work 90% of the time and that is what make me feel better so it is fine. They catch 99% of « events » (door opening, system arm and disarm, etc) which is what I truly care about. Literally the only time since I have put them up that they didn’t record an entry was like ten minutes ago when I got back from having a smoke. So, yeah. I’ll keep monitoring them to make sure they are getting things and if it becomes a concern I will return them and get a different camera system. I am fine with that.

I guess maybe it must seem weird to some people that I want cameras everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. I don’t feel a need to put one facing the kitchen or duh in the bathroom but I have one in every other room, including my bedroom. I guess that is the one that people would find the most strange. Or maybe the whole thing is strange? Idk. But it’s like… I have mega PTSD. The majority of my traumas all happened IN MY HOME. Not this one, but in a place I was living. Literally in my home. And that super messes up your ability to feel safe at home. Like, I’ve been SAed in my own bed. So yeah, I have a camera in my bedroom because if it happens again I want to be able to press my panic button and have the cameras record and the police to come. And I won’t pretend that that isn’t the entire 100% the whole reason I have a camera in my bedroom. I have never ever in my entire life gotten justice for someone that abused or hurt me, and if it happens again I want justice. Maybe that makes me super messed up. I don’t really care if it does? Like no one ever comes over besides maintenance and I warned them about the camera and how long it records for and how long the footage is saved when I put in the request. So they are actively choosing to come over. And if I had a friend over or my mom, Ibwould tell them about the cameras and offer to take them down for their visit. No problem. So really I am the only one this is affecting. And it makes ME feel better and safer to have a shit ton of cameras. So why shouldn’t I? If it helps, it helps. And it helps me be able to sleep at night in my building that feels scary and it helps me feel comfortable leaving the cats and leaving the house. I am all for it. And I am super glad I did it.

That all being said, I probably won’t try showering tonight. I don’t know. I just don’t feel up for it yet. I like to shower or take baths around like 3pm on weekdays when everyone in the building is at school or work - or at least it seems that way. That is the most comfortable time for me. So I will keep up with that and try again after the weekend. I will however use the bath wipes tonight. That seems like a good compromise.

Let’s see. What else is there to talk about… not much truly. It’s been a solid week so far. I think Monday was the only other day that I didn’t get dressed.

Ive been having fun watching movies lately. Exclusively horror movies for spooky season and also it is my favorite genre so it is basically all I watch anyway. I was pretty anxious about watching TV in a like… ptsd must be alert for threats way. It’s been like that for a few weeks now and I was doing basically nothing all day when I wasn’t in class before I withdrew. It was awful and miserable. But I really wanted to watch the new Alien movie so I got it and gathered my courage and even wore my headphones! I was really scared at first but after maybe half an hour I was able to get into it and enjoy myself. And I have watched one or two movies a day since then! I think that was Wednesday maybe? Or maybe it was Thursday. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter that much, but maybe I should buy a calendar so that I can mark off the days to keep track of time. That sounds like a good idea.

Anyway. So I have been watching a lot of movies! And turns out wearing my headphones makes it WAY better. I can still kind of hear things happening right outside my front door, like people in the hall, but it is not so much that it is a trigger or a distraction. It is just the perfect amount. Idk if the sound quality is better but I did buy special tv headphones so I assume it is better. If I was someone who had guests I would certainly get a second pair since the hall can be noisy and that is annoying. Also I like to listen to things quietly. I remember once I dated a guy like 4 years ago that needed the TV SUPER loud. I was living next to an awful old lady at the time named Jackie who was my worst enemy because of who she is and how she is, and he came over to watch some movies and I agreed to turn the volume up. And he kept asking me to keep turning it up!!! I keep the volume at like 1/5th and use subtitles but he had me turn it up to like 1/2!!! It was awful and loud. Good movies though.

Anyway. I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to work on in therapy. Mostly I am just trying to hang in there until my DBT group starts at the end of November. So this week I talked about how to do pleasant activities despite my anxiety and PTSD and what steps I needed to do for them. I think I will keep talking about that for a while. It is so hard for me to calm down enough to do something that I enjoy. Today has been like that, but not super. I am having trouble starting my movie.

I guess I’ll talk about that. So, I didn’t finish charging the new cameras right away last night. I got tired around 10 jd unplugged them all and went to bed. I plugged them back in maybe 30 min after I woke up around 9am. And they charged until like noon!!!! Overall 7 or 8 hours. I hope that means the battery lasts awhile. But the problem was that I thought it would only take another 30 minutes or so at most. So I did nothing but read the news. For hours. And hours. And I kept checking and checking and they would still be charging. Then they FINALLY we’re done around noon, and I got them all set up ASAP which took another 30 minutes. And THEN my entry sensor on my front door has been glitching and saying the door is open so I contacted the alarm company and spent an hour troubleshooting that. There wasn’t really a satisfactory resolution to that other than that it is how my door was built and I might have to disconnect and reconnect the sensor or open and close the door a few times when I come home. Which like, whatever. As long as it registers as closed when I am home or away. That is what I care about. Dumb but whatever.

So, that all lasted from 9am to about 2pm because troubleshooting took a while. And then I needed to clean the litter boxes (only did two and still have to do another but progress) and I super wanted a smoke. And then I was out doing that. And then I got back and started writing this because it has been a few days. Anyway. Now it is 3pm, and my movie is two hours long, and I want to actually make dinner tonight since I am out of microwave meals. And I would start doing that at maybe 4 or 4:30. That is the golden cooking time for me. And I guess because of that and the length of th movie I don’t really feel like I can do anything. So I’m just kind of sitting here on the couch with Boo and doing nothing.

And I am kind of worried because 1pm to 3pm has been the perfect movie time for me so far this week, and it has been hard for me to do it outside of those times. So I guess I am worried I won’t get to watch it because something will come up or I will feel some kind of way after dinner. I don’t know. It’s hard man.

I guess I will wrap up here. The only other thing to talk about is something I don’t want to talk about yet because I feel guilty and bad. So I am just going to read the news and get caught up on that and sit with Boo for an hour and then try to cook at 4.

The end for now.

[marikos-diary]

I took my AP. I forgot to take my sleeping med but I will try without it. I am sweaty even though it is 69 in here and I want to sleep under all the blankets so I turned the AC on. I get so anxious turning the AC on late in the season because of my old neighbor who was insane but I am uncomfortable so I need it. And I would have opened the windows to cool it down in here but it is raining so I couldn’t.

It was pretty hard to calm down enough to enjoy the movie :/. I kept feeling on edge, and not in the fun horror movie way. I think it is easier for me in a theatre to focus. Unfortunately the only other horror movie I wanted to see this season already left theatres. I thought I had more time but I guess not.

Ugh. I hate the taste of my Saphris. I hate that I have to take two of them. I’ve tried splitting the dose into one in the morning and one at night but I just can’t remember to take it like that, even with a meds app, and end up not taking it at all. Which is probably bad. So I have to take it all at night.

I’m pretty bummed about this current breakdown because I was hoping to lower the dose of my AP this year, but I guess that has to wait now. I don’t want to do multiple med changes at once and k just added two new ones so it will have to wait.

I am starting to feel less sweaty and am cooling down. Not under the covers yet because I don’t want to overheat but I am getting chilled. I’ll get under soon.

Boo just came and laid down on her pillow. I think Callie is having a bite to eat because the nightlight in the dining room is going on and off, and I refilled their food dish before I laid down.

Oh! Here she is! I just saw her little tail come through the door. She just jumped into bed and is climbing into me now. I wonder if she will sleep in the bedroom tonight. I really like when I get to fall asleep with both cats in the bedroom because it is so soothing to have them both. Lmao she just climbed straight onto my chest and her paws hit at just the right point that it really hurt. I love her but I had to gently move her off. She hopped off the bed just now and I saw her leave the room. Maybe I’ll check the camera to see if she settles in on the couch in a few.

I think I will climb under the covers now.

Yay, perfect temperature.

Uh oh, Boo is getting up. I wonder if she is going to investigate the sound machine? She was walking around on the bed and looking down where it sits. She just left :( I hope she comes back soon.

I don’t really know what to talk about tonight. I did a lot today and I am socially and emotionally fatigued. I suppose I am anxious. I don’t feel typical anxiety symptoms right now but I was all clammy before I turned on the AC and I am certainly very vigilant I guess. I wouldn’t say that I am nervous right now but I guess k would say I am anxious. I hadnt wanted to lay down just yet but I didn’t know what else to do tbh. This is usually my bedtime unless I am in a really good mood or doing something. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I am up until 3 or 4 and I don’t like that. I had one of those nights a few days ago. Maybe it was last weekend? I don’t know. But I was up until 3 or 4 and was really worried it was going to fuck up my schedule for sleep. I guess I don’t have to worry about that any more. Not for a year or so anyway. That makes me sad, but I am too unwell to handle the stresses of school.

Boo is back! She is on her pillow and sitting up. I wonder if she will lay down soon or not.

I just had a big yawn and I don’t really have anything in particular to talk about so I guess I will say goodnight. I will roll over and read the news until I fall asleep or don’t. So I might be back. I don’t know.

See you later?

I watched Cuckoo! It was one hour and fourty five minutes long, but it took me about three hours to get through because I kept pausing it because I was getting anxious. But I finished it!

Unfortunately, now I am very triggered and keyed up. And mom is winding down for the night and already said goodnight, and Charlie still isn’t responding (although I haven’t texted her in a few days) so. It’s just me. I posted on the CPTSD subreddit but I don’t know if anyone will see it or not.

I might try and lay down now. Maybe take my sleep medicine and my AP at the same time since that should knock me out. I took my as needed anxiety med but I don’t think it does anything for me at this dose.

Yeah. I’ll lay down. Let me go have a smoke and take my meds and stuff and then I’ll continue. Back soon.

[marikos-diary]

I watched Cuckoo! It was one hour and fourty five minutes long, but it took me about three hours to get through because I kept pausing it because I was getting anxious. But I finished it!

Unfortunately, now I am very triggered and keyed up. And mom is winding down for the night and already said goodnight, and Charlie still isn’t responding (although I haven’t texted her in a few days) so. It’s just me. I posted on the CPTSD subreddit but I don’t know if anyone will see it or not.

I might try and lay down now. Maybe take my sleep medicine and my AP at the same time since that should knock me out. I took my as needed anxiety med but I don’t think it does anything for me at this dose.

Yeah. I’ll lay down. Let me go have a smoke and take my meds and stuff and then I’ll continue. Back soon.

[marikos-diary]

It has been an eventful day! I have a lot to report.

I ended up going to bed last night around 11:30ish and I woke up just around 9 today. Mom had asked me yesterday if I wanted to go to the outlet mall with her when it opened at 11 and I told her yes depending on when I woke up since things are easier at night right now. So I was really relieved when I woke up at 9! I had set an alarm for 7, but I guess I slept through it. I guess I needed the rest. I’ve been so stressed and anxious lately so I suppose that isn’t surprising.

So, I had coffee and a soda that I had gotten the night before and woke up slowly. I even remembered to take my medicine! I considered taking my as needed one before going out but I was feeling good and not too worried and mom is my safe person so I decided not to.

Mom got us sodas and hash browns from Burger King and I guess there was a long line because I live right down the road from there and she didn’t get here until like 10:45! I was ready and was able to leave the house without much fuss and without needing to take a photo or video of the door being locked. These days I only do that at night before bed anyway.

So, the outlet mall was about an hour away and the drive was nice. We saw two Harris/Walz signs on the way! That was super cool. Presumably they were put up because it is hunting season and people will see them when they go up north. We talked some about the election and I told her about my security camera revelation and how I was sorry I didn’t do it sooner, and she was super supportive. I was worried about being judged for planning on putting one in my bedroom but nope she said she totally understood. I think especially as a young woman living alone it just makes sense.

Anyway I had a smoke when we got to the outlet malls and checked the camera just to see the cats. Callie was fast asleep on the back of the couch, and Boo wasn’t in frame so I assume she was in her tower. I showed mom Callie asleep through the camera and she said that it must be so reassuring. It really really is.

After my smoke we started at the Michael Kors store on the hunt for wallets. We found some good ones but nothing I super wanted, and also I was getting anxious because one of the sales people was kind of pushy so we left and moved on to the coach store. They had some super cute Halloween stuff and a wallet mom seriously considered but we ultimately left empty handed. We walked all the way to the Ralph Lauren store and checked there next. They had a super small selection so it didn’t take long to rule them out. We went back to the Michael Kors store and seriously considered some of them but in the end decided against it. Kind of a bummer, since we drove an hour out, but it worked out because now we each had a better idea of what we want.

We decided to stop in two more stores. I was casually looking for winter sweatpants and saw a store called something something cozy. But it was all leggings :/ no sweatpants in sight. Mom wanted to stop in the Skechers store so we went there, and she did end up finding a new pair of slip ons! She asked me if I wanted to look but I am a dedicated Keds customer because their stuff always fits me in size and style.

Then we made our way back home. We stopped at a Culver’s along the way and each got an order of cheese curds and another soda, as is our usual pharmacy pick up tradition. The wait was longer than we are used to because usually we go around 10am and this time it was 12:45pm but it was worth the wait. After that we made our way back to town and saw another Harris sign and that was really nice. We stopped at the local pharmacy for mom’s medicine and then she took me home.

I got home around like 2ish I think so I was gone for like three hours! Total record! And I hardly felt anxious at all. When I started getting worried about a break in, I just checked my front door camera and could see that it was closed and no one was there and that the system was armed. It really helped a lot.

I found a wallet online that I think I am going to get with the data I gathered while we were out today. It ticks all the boxes for things I want in a wallet, and seems high quality. So I’ll plan on doing that soon.

After finding a wallet and saving the listing I decided to look for sneakers and slip on boots for cold weather on the keds website. And I found both!!!! My sneakers are super sleek and are white with a red and a black accent line, and my boot slip ons are…. Also sneakers lmao but to me they are boots. They are tan suede I think with faux fur lining and a zipper on the side and fake laces. So I’ll just wear those at any time I would preciously have worn my sandals. Which is basically going out for smokes or to get a soda or something, or when it was warmer out actually wearing them out and about to outings. So that was really exciting!

And then I started thinking about how cold my feet have been getting in the house and how it would be nice to have a pair of slippers to wear with wool socks or even without but mostly with because of foot germs. And so I researched high quality slipper brands and found some moccasins from LL bean and got those. They have a real shearling lining and are a very cozy plaid color.

I don’t have anywhere to go now so I didn’t really pay attention to delivery dates since I am 90% sure I will be home to get it right away, but I think both orders are delivered in the next week or so. Maybe two weeks at most. So that is exciting. The rain yesterday really was a turning point for the weather cooling down, so I will be grateful for all my warm shoe options. And also my current sneakers are falling apart. So. I should probably toss them right now but I will wait until the new ones arrive.

THEN I went out for a smoke and had one in my car. I wasn’t as afraid of being caught as no one was out so I just vibed. I’ll go for another here in a few minutes. But while I was out there I felt kind of bad for ashing in the parking lot and tossing the butt there. Like, not super bad, because fuck McKinley, but kind of bad like oh no what if they collect them and dna test them and find out it is me!!!! Totally probably out there stuff but enough to make me feel anxious and think twice. So I went on Amazon and found one of those cupholder car ash trays and ordered it, along with some quality winter sweatpants. I have high hopes for those.

Both of those are being delivered tomorrrow… supposedly to the apartment. But everytime I have tried to have things from Amazon delivered here in the past they get delivered to the office which is kind of far away and really annoying!! And then I have to go there and I get super anxious and it is awful. So I have been getting them delivered to moms house which she is fine with and that’s okay but I also don’t like that because it is just irritating. And also she always asks me questions about what I ordered and I really really hate that because it feels like an invasion of privacy. I ask her not to and she stops for a while but she always starts again. It’s very stressful. SO I am going to try it delivering to the apartment and pray and hope it actually gets here. All of my neighbors get their Amazon to their APARTMENT DOORS without issue it seems. I mean, I see Amazon drivers delivering to the building most days. So why not meeeeeeeeee ugh. I will try and hope and we shall see.

Anyway, I am going to have dinner and then have a smoke. After I am going to watch a scary movie that I have been wanting to see. I am kind of anxious about that and it might not happen tonight but I am really really going to try! I’m going to take my as needed anxiety med and try.

That’s all for now. Talk later!

[marikos-diary]

Update, I had to close the windows. Sadly. The rain sound was so soothing. I can’t hear it anymore naturally. But I wanted to lay down and the carpet was getting wet so it was time to be done. I guess I probably shouldn’t have opened them in the first place in the rain but whatever. Worth it.

Anyway I am on the iPad because I had to plug my phone in. It was down to like ten percent. So I am up a little longer waiting for it to charge enough that I can read the news and fall asleep. I turned on the heat because it is supposed to get really cold tonight and I didn’t want the pipes to freeze or something. So now I am all cozy in bed. I turned on my new sound machine and found the thunderstorm track and have that going. It is very calming.

I did end up ordering the cameras. Even for the bedroom. I think it will help me feel much safer.

Gosh, I am really tjeed now that I am laying down. Maybe I will, Just charge my phone tomorrow. I asked Siri and she says battery is at 40% so that settles that.

Good night, my friend.

[marikos-diary]

I am getting tense again. I have the windows open to listen to the rain and feel the cool autumn air and someone just started being loud. Like whooping and stuff like that. It is making me feel tense and anxious. Still have yet to take my AP. But soon. Maybe after this post? That sounds good.

Anyway. I also made a post on the CPTSD subreddit about how great my security camera is for me and what did people think about me getting one for each room including the bedroom for my peace of mind. And I only got one response but it was not very nice. They said that cameras would not cure my trauma and I needed intense therapy. It was very mean. So that kind of started to upset me because I thought people there would understand why this is such a good thing for me. That it could allow me to live my life instead of just being in fear. But nope. Judged. Mean comment. So I deleted the post.

So, now im tense. And getting anxious. Kind of nauseous. The rain sounds and the chill air are very nice though. And it is 11pm so in about an hour it will be quiet enough that I can just sneak out for a smoke and hopefully everyone’s lights will be off. There were a few on when I last went out.

Focusing on the rain sounds. Probably buying those cameras. It feels worth it to me. I feel like I need them to be comfortable right now, and I can always take them down when I am better. That is the best part about them. If they start to freak me out or something I can just turn them off. Problem solved. It’s so nice.

But now because of that comment and the person whooping I have to calm down all over again. Booo. I was so calm and chill and even getting tired and yawning. But now I am getting anxious and I am tense.

I will go buy the cameras so that they can be here as soon as possible.

[marikos-diary]

I cleaned it with multi surface cleaner but I won’t feel better until I bleach it. I should probably do boiling water and vinegar too.

I don’t know what to do now. I’m getting kind of tired, but I have to stay up for maintenance to come unlockb the bathroom. And I would do the whole body wipes trying to get clean thing but those are also in the bathroom. I still don’t feel ready to watch a show. Like I don’t feel comfortable enough for that. But I think getting more cameras and some panic buttons will help with that. So maybe I’ll go window shopping on the security systems site. See what I can find. Figure out how much it would be and go from there. That sounds like a good use of my time.

I CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR BECAUSE OF CHEMICALS AT CAT LEVEL AND SOMEHOW LOCKED MYSELF OUT??? I don’t know!!!! I’ve never closed this door before!!!!! Oh god

I have to call emergency maintenance and stay up for them to arrive and let me in and then I’ll have to calm down from that. So I might not get clean after all. But I am still going to try!

Okay. Deep breath. Gonna make the call.

[marikos-diary]

my phone just dinged and said hey time to take your AP

GEE I WOULD IF I COULD GET INTO THE BATHROOM

Ughhhhhhhh this is the worsssssssst why did I have to close the door all the way. Why have I never closed this door before?? Why did I not know this???? I hate this apartment so much sometimes.

Like, not all the time. The bathroom is ugly but I am working on making it cute. The kitchen is okay, and I am working on making it cute. I like the layout of the apartment itself. That really works for me. I also really like the natural light and how many windows I have. I also really like how quiet it is at night or during the work day. I feel pretty comfortable during those hours. I also really like that I am on the top floor, in case of intruders. And also just noise in general. There are a lot of things I like about it. I am sure that if I stayed here long enough I could make it super cute and home like.

Things I strongly dislike: the amount of children in this building. The apartment right next door has a daughter that is maybe 3. So I think she is home all day. And then across the hall from that family there is a multigenerational family that I swear either has 5 kids and four adults in a two bedroom apartment or is running an illegal daycare center. It has to be one of those. There are far too many children in that home. And then on the second floor I think there is a family with four teenagers. Again, in a two bedroom apartment???? Wild. And also I am convinced it is them who are propping open the door. Anyway. Finally, of the ones I am aware of on the ground floor, there are two or maybe three kids. A younger daughter and a teenage son. So. My building has a shit ton of kids which is very stressful and triggering for me. Thank god it at least has good whatever cancels out noise between units. Otherwise I would have already lost my shit. I can, thankfully, only hear people when they are in the hallway. Unfortunately, people are loud as fuck in the hallway. So. Ugh. But at least I have the night.

The other thing I don’t like is the whole door drama. It seems never ending. I removed a bunch of objects today. I think I should start saving them in my apartment and gathering them as evidence. I have been throwing them out but I think maybe I should save them. Anyway, the whole saga is so stressful. Hopefully my little camera will help with that. Make it easier to leave the house at least if I know I can just check in as I feel compelled.

Maybe I’ll get a camera for each room. Not too sure about my bedroom, but like also… what if someone breaks in and rapes me you know? I would want evidence of that for court. I’ll think on that one. Definitely one for the rest of the living room and one for the office where I keep my expensive electronics.

——-

Just got a call from maintenance! They are on the way to unlock my bathroom door!!! Thank god. I apologized again. I guess I should have seen this coming when things had been going so well.

But for real just in time because I kind of have to pee and I do actually want to take my AP tonight. I told myself if I take my AP I can have another soda. I am not keeping track of how many I am having right now. I probably should. I’ll get back down to four when I am not in crisis anymore. That seems reasonable. I am in crisis and it is important to have comforting things when you are in crisis.

Thinking deeply about a bedroom camera. I was assaulted in my bedroom once. I still think about that. That’s why I sleep with a nightlight. It could go a long way to making me feel better if I get a camera in there. I guess I’ll talk it over with my therapist and see what she says on Tuesday. I’ll also do some googling to see how common it is and maybe reach out on the cptsd subreddit for if anyone else has one in their bedroom.

I also want to get a panic button again. I had one but I was worried about where it was placed so I tossed it. But I think I should have kept it. I was worried the cats might hit it. But I think having one would make me feel much better. Maybe I’ll do that tonight. Order some cameras and some panic buttons. I am thinking two. One for the bedroom and one for the office right by my PC, for the universe in which I am comfortable gaming again.

Oh god. I have to pee. I am going to have to pee in the sink. Oh god. I’m going to have to bleach it but i super have to go.

I CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR BECAUSE OF CHEMICALS AT CAT LEVEL AND SOMEHOW LOCKED MYSELF OUT??? I don’t know!!!! I’ve never closed this door before!!!!! Oh god

I have to call emergency maintenance and stay up for them to arrive and let me in and then I’ll have to calm down from that. So I might not get clean after all. But I am still going to try!

Okay. Deep breath. Gonna make the call.

[marikos-diary]

I made the call. I was properly apologetic. I hope they come unlock my bathroom otherwise I am in for a bad night. I only have one bathroom and no money for a hotel. I also do not own a bucket. Also I still haven’t taken my AP and guess where it is! The bathroom.

I also just finished 38 ounces of soda. So I imagine I will need the bathroom sooner rather than later. I mean. I can pee in the sink and just bleach it if I have to. And I might have to since this is a pretty low stakes emergency and it could be a while. Oh boy. Oh god. This is the nightmare scenario. I really hope they come unlock my bathroom.

On the bright side, I have not had throwing up level anxiety in several hours. I apparently made a cup of decaf some time ago. Hopefully it is still pleasant and is not too cold. I will have that now. (And then I guess suffer and pee in the sink like an animal T_T)

I CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR BECAUSE OF CHEMICALS AT CAT LEVEL AND SOMEHOW LOCKED MYSELF OUT??? I don’t know!!!! I’ve never closed this door before!!!!! Oh god

I have to call emergency maintenance and stay up for them to arrive and let me in and then I’ll have to calm down from that. So I might not get clean after all. But I am still going to try!

Okay. Deep breath. Gonna make the call.

[marikos-diary]

I CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR BECAUSE OF CHEMICALS AT CAT LEVEL AND SOMEHOW LOCKED MYSELF OUT??? I don’t know!!!! I’ve never closed this door before!!!!! Oh god

I have to call emergency maintenance and stay up for them to arrive and let me in and then I’ll have to calm down from that. So I might not get clean after all. But I am still going to try!

Okay. Deep breath. Gonna make the call.

[marikos-diary]

Ive got positive updates again! I continue to be on a roll. This whole nighttime and darkness thing is working for me I guess.

Anyway, camera is set up! No one knows about this blog and there is no identifying information and you can only see the back of my head so I feel okay sharing a screenshot.

I like that it basically only captures the entryway. I would prefer if it didn’t capture any part of the couch at all, but that’s okay. This is still very good. I was really worried it might make me paranoid if I had a camera up, but given how high my anxiety has been it seems like it will really help. And it has some cool features. When the alarm system is set to home mode, the privacy shutter is down. It only raises if the door opens, an alarm is triggered, or things like that. I saw a whole list about a week ago and it all seemed very reasonable. It did not set off any paranoia alarm bells.

So yeah! Basically unless something tells the system that something is different like an alarm going off or a door opening, it is off and the shutter is down. And the good news is that the camera will be on and recording and monitored the entire time I am out of the house, as long as the alarm is set to away mode! I bet that will make leaving the house much easier. I can open the video and check on the cats if they are in frame and know that they are not dead. I can look at my door and see that it is closed. I bet that will help a lot.

And then! I did even more after I set the camera up! It is above the litter box area so I had to move the box and the mat. And the mat needs to be cleaned, soooo… I put the box back and put the mat in the tub! I sprayed it with cleaner and it has to stand for ten minutes now before I rinse it. I guess I’ll hang it to dry in the tub overnight? I don’t know I didn’t think that far ahead.

Anyway, so that’s a massive win. This night time thing is working out well for me so far. If only I wasn’t so afraid to drive at night. It would open up a whole new world of possibilities. Maybe I can work on that during this time.

Timer went off! Time to rinse the mat and hang it to dry. Back soon

[marikos-diary]

Wow! I am on fire!!! I cleaned the litter box, opened my Chewy package containing Dr Elsie’s litter attract and added that to the clean litter, plugged in the new feliway diffuser, AND I opened and put away my package of cedar hangers that had been in my bedroom for about a week. I even transferred my medieval shifts from the plastic hangers to th cedar ones! I did so much!

I definitely earned this soda. I’m using the vape right now because as much as I want to dip out for a smoke, it is raining and it is only 8pm so people might still be awake and coming and going. And I don’t want to be seen or perceived. So. I am going to wait and just use the vape in the meantime.

It has lemon tart flavor in it and it is really nice. I didn’t know if I would like it or not when I bought it, but it is really working for me. It is a good brand. I’m going for sure to try some of their other flavors.

Considering changing my sleep schedule now that I have like nothing to do. To one that lets me get the most done with my day and levels of functionality. Like two sleep cycles totaling 9 hours like they did before electricity. I did that once and I really liked it. I did that when I was very unwell and it really helped me do things like get out of the house and run errands and not get overwhelmed. So it could be worth a try again.

Let me see if I can find a website to calculate that for me. Hang on.

Hm. Okay. So I did some googling. The verdict is rather mixed. I might still try it. It seems like something that might benefit me and allow me to get things done while I am struggling. Not really sure how it would work out. I need about 10 hours of sleep every night, and when I was in school I would go to bed around 8 and wake up at 5:30. Sometimes I would depression sleep starting around 6pm. So, if I need ten hours, and I want to have a few hours when it is dark so that I can be calm and not anxious, I would need to figure out how to work that out. I don’t know. Maybe it wouldn’t work. I can’t figure it out right now because my brain is being dumb and slow due to depression. But I’ll think about it.

Definitely something to think about.

The next thing I want to do tonight is use my bath wipes and change my underwear. I don’t have to change my top, pj pants, or hoodie. I just need to use the wipes and change my underwear. I posted on the CPTSD subreddit about my struggles with taking showers and people had great suggestions. I’d like to try and figure this one out.

The real challenge will be changing my underwear since that requires partially undressing. I took the first step just now by placing a pair of clean underwear in the bathroom. That’s a good first step.

I can close the door and lock it and keep the lights off since I have a gentle motion activated nightlight in there. So it will be very dim and I won’t have to look at myself. That will help. I can also bring my pocket knife with me in case of intruders! That’s a solid idea. I’ll go put the pocket knife in the bathroom now.

Done! Okay.

Now here is where I am running into a problem. I want to leave the windows open because it is so nice and cool, but I want to close and lock the bathroom door. Sure it will only take five minutes, but maybe I should close the windows? For safety and security?

Oh!!! I know!!! I could put up the camera pointed towards the door so that if there is an intruder while I am in the bathroom they are caught on video!!!! That’s a genius idea. Holy shit I feel so smart. Okay. I’ll do that after I finish my soda. I’ll get everything laid out and set up and ready for install and then finish my soda.

I have been afraid of coming on tumblr for about a month now. I am still afraid to look at my dash or anything. But having a super secret diary to post in is kind of helping with some exposure to the idea of using it again.

I think I am going to clean the other litter box, clean the litter mat since Callie peed on it, and then install the camera that came with my security system. It will only cover the door. I feel comfortable doing that much.

Kind of regretting cancelling my bookshelves order. I did really want to do some reading. Some of my comfort books to pass the time. Maybe I will place the order again in a week or two when I am hopefully feeling better. And, since I withdrew for the semester, I can have them delivered basically whenever. So that’s a bonus. I guess I just got really down about the idea of buying and building new furniture and unpacking my books just to pack it all back up in ten months (or hopefully sooner). Fingers crossed for sooner and to somewhere safer and better that actually cares. That’s all I want. I just want to be safe. I wanted to stay in this unit until Boo passed since I didn’t want her to have any more stress in her life but I guess it isn’t going to work out like that. So I have to be real intentional about where I go next so that I can stay there for the rest of her life. Also, if it’s an apartment, I am definitely going to get a letter saying they are ESAs. Because they are the reason I keep on living. They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. It’s all for them.

Okay. What did I say I was going to try to do? Litter box. Clean litter mat. Install camera. Okay. I’m not going to forget to do at least the first of those things. The rest might be asking too much in my current state.

Okay. I just need to hype myself up to do it. All I have to do is clean the box. That’s it. If I clean the litter box, I can have a soda. That sounds like a good trade.

[marikos-diary]

I have been afraid of coming on tumblr for about a month now. I am still afraid to look at my dash or anything. But having a super secret diary to post in is kind of helping with some exposure to the idea of using it again.

I think I am going to clean the other litter box, clean the litter mat since Callie peed on it, and then install the camera that came with my security system. It will only cover the door. I feel comfortable doing that much.

Kind of regretting cancelling my bookshelves order. I did really want to do some reading. Some of my comfort books to pass the time. Maybe I will place the order again in a week or two when I am hopefully feeling better. And, since I withdrew for the semester, I can have them delivered basically whenever. So that’s a bonus. I guess I just got really down about the idea of buying and building new furniture and unpacking my books just to pack it all back up in ten months (or hopefully sooner). Fingers crossed for sooner and to somewhere safer and better that actually cares. That’s all I want. I just want to be safe. I wanted to stay in this unit until Boo passed since I didn’t want her to have any more stress in her life but I guess it isn’t going to work out like that. So I have to be real intentional about where I go next so that I can stay there for the rest of her life. Also, if it’s an apartment, I am definitely going to get a letter saying they are ESAs. Because they are the reason I keep on living. They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. It’s all for them.

Okay. What did I say I was going to try to do? Litter box. Clean litter mat. Install camera. Okay. I’m not going to forget to do at least the first of those things. The rest might be asking too much in my current state.

Okay. I just need to hype myself up to do it. All I have to do is clean the box. That’s it. If I clean the litter box, I can have a soda. That sounds like a good trade.

[marikos-diary]

I went out back and hid around the corner to have my smoke. It was sprinkling rain but not too terribly and I had my hood up so it was okay. I still felt prettt anxious about being caught and yelled at since people were still awake and stuff. But it went okay. I did dig my vape juice out of the trash and set it back on the counter and filled my vape with some. I will use it for when I am too anxious to go outside. It’s a useful tool.

I also took my evening buspirone and two hydroxyzine to calm down. When I saw mom about an hour ago I told her that I had a hard day and was too anxious to have the blinds open or turn on the tv. She started asking all kinds of questions like should she be concerned do I need to go to the hospital. I said no to all of them and that I wasn’t going to the hospital. She kept asking questions so I just started respineing that I didn’t like that question. Eventually she got the hint and dropped it and changed the subject. So when I got home I was super anxious because of all of that prodding and poking and I wanted to cry and my thoughts were spinning so I took my evening medicine minus my AP. Still really struggling to take that one. I take it most days but often do not for various reasons.

I made a cup of decaf to be soothing while I have the windows open and listen to the rain so maybe I will take my AP after I finish that.

Oh! And I did clean one litter box! It was a huge deal. I cleaned the one in the office which is the one that Boo uses. I also vaguely made my bed. I arranged the blankets so that it looks mostly made. It was the best I could do.

Now Boo is climbing on me. I hope she sits down soon. I struggle when they are all over me like this and I have had a tense day. Ugh. It just happened. She started to paw at my chest and it got triggering so I had to move her aside. I just can’t handle being touched there.

Speaking of trauma, I have adult bath wipes now. Also wipes for down there. I have used the down there wipes already, but not the bath wipes because I am having trouble taking off any of my clothes. I am very concerned that I will start to undress and then there will be an intruder. It is making doing things like changing very challenging. I think I’ve been wearing this underwear for nearly a week. I WANT to shower and change. I just… can’t.

Sigh. It sucks.

Coffee timer going off. I’ll drink that, try to take my ap, and then come back to update.

I would like to not be afraid to turn on the tv. But I don’t know what is causing it other than me being a useless waste of a human being. Maybe it’s a ptsd thing? Hyper vigilance? Like I don’t want to get distracted from a potential break in so I can’t watch a show? I don’t know. I do know that that’s why I can’t do day hospital. I would be out of the house for too long. Like, 8 hours long. And I would be flipping out the whole time about a break in. So I can’t do that.

I don’t know. It’s dumb I’m dumb and upset. All I want to do is watch a show or something. Enjoy a piece of media. But I can’t. Because of my stupid brain. And my stupid irresponsible apartment complex. Maybe I’ll ask mom if I can break the lease to move somewhere safer. I guess it depends on if this improves or not. I don’t know. I passed several hours today looking at houses and condos and mobile homes. If I can just pay down my debt a little more k think I would qualify for a down payment loan and a mortgage. At least on something small. Then there would be no more landlords or problems with neighbors like that.

I don’t know. I don’t remember where I was going with that. I’m going to have a smoke and then I’ll come back to this post. I’m also going to open the windows when I get back in

[marikos-diary]

I would like to not be afraid to turn on the tv. But I don’t know what is causing it other than me being a useless waste of a human being. Maybe it’s a ptsd thing? Hyper vigilance? Like I don’t want to get distracted from a potential break in so I can’t watch a show? I don’t know. I do know that that’s why I can’t do day hospital. I would be out of the house for too long. Like, 8 hours long. And I would be flipping out the whole time about a break in. So I can’t do that.

I don’t know. It’s dumb I’m dumb and upset. All I want to do is watch a show or something. Enjoy a piece of media. But I can’t. Because of my stupid brain. And my stupid irresponsible apartment complex. Maybe I’ll ask mom if I can break the lease to move somewhere safer. I guess it depends on if this improves or not. I don’t know. I passed several hours today looking at houses and condos and mobile homes. If I can just pay down my debt a little more k think I would qualify for a down payment loan and a mortgage. At least on something small. Then there would be no more landlords or problems with neighbors like that.

I don’t know. I don’t remember where I was going with that. I’m going to have a smoke and then I’ll come back to this post. I’m also going to open the windows when I get back in

[marikos-diary]

I ended up going out early to get the carton. I was on my way out to have one anyway and I figured I would try and be brave. I did it, but I got so anxious that I threw up when I got home. I had just had dinner before leaving too so that really sucked.

My things should be here Monday probably in the evening. I’ll either see mom and pick them up from her or go by myself once the sun goes down.

I cancelled my bookshelf order. I’m not resigning the lease here so I am just going to keep my books in storage. I’ll buy bookshelves when I move. I am also no longer buying furniture or probably even decor because even though it would cheer me up it just feels like a waste because it is going to get stolen or I will just be packing it up to move in a few months. So why bother, you know? I’m just not going to bother. I also had gotten an over the toilet storage thing but I think I am going to return it. I don’t want to bother when I am just leaving as soon as I can. I can get something nice when I find a safe place to live. I can go shopping on Wayfair and build wish lists and day dream. That sounds like a nice way to pass th time and a good distraction. Maybe I’ll do that tonight.

I still haven’t cleaned the litter boxes. I am still going to try to clean at least one.

I wonder if my best friend will worry I am dead when she doesn’t hear from me like I worry she is dead when I don’t hear from her. I hope she does tbh. Maybe thats just me being upset but also it feels valid. I always worry that she is dead. It is a huge fear of mine. So maybe she will get a taste of that. I think I’m splitting on her maybe? I don’t know. I’ve never split on her before. But right now it is all very black and white thinking.

I think I am going to stay up late. Things feel easier at night for me. Maybe I will try that for a little bit. Maybe i would be able to clean the litter boxes.

Trying not to think about school. I hate myself. I wish I had someone to talk to. Too bad I don’t have any friends. I am afraid that if I take any of my medicines I will just take them all all at once. Because that is what I want to do. So I don’t know how I am supposed to take my medicine. I know I will be miserable without it. But I am afraid that if I take it I will take it all. Again, something I can’t tell a therapist because they will want me to go to the hospital. I don’t know. Maybe I should. I am very afraid to leave the house though and I don’t think I would do very well in a hospital.

No one loves me. No one cares. No one wants me. The one person I want to talk to is ignoring me. I begged for help and she ignored me. It was not okay.

Crying again. Maybe I’ll just go to bed. But I’m not tired yet. So I would have to take my sleeping medicine. which means going into the medicine cabinet. Ugh. This is so difficult. And I still haven’t cleaned the litter boxes.

I did nothing today. I smoked and wrote diary entries and didn’t kill myself. I sat on the couch and rotted and cried all day. I don’t want to go to therapy on Tuesday. I want a break. Maybe I will cancel that appointment. Yeah. I’ll do that. I’m not up for being on camera or anything yet.

[marikos-diary]

I ended up getting sodas and going for a little drive. It was kind of nice. But I didn’t want to push my luck and overdo it so I came home. I’ll go out to get a carton of smokes later this evening once the sun has gone down and it feels less scary. I wanted to this time but I got scared with the sun out and everything.

I did eat a little something. It wasn’t healthy but it was what I could manage. Three mini bags of Doritos about an hour ago. Maybe thirty minutes ago? I don’t know. I will try to do a microwave meal for dinner so that it is at least somewhat healthy. I got a bunch of my favorite one in my last grocery order so I will try and do that.

Still haven’t managed to do litter boxes. It just feels so overwhelming. I posted on my local subreddit that my disabilities are keeping me from doing activities like taking care of myself and cleaning and asked for recommendations on what service to use. I got one helpful response but everyone else was really mean so I deleted it. I might look on somewhere like task rabbit for help cleaning the litter boxes just for a few weeks. I’d have to download the app and see if that is even something someone would do. And how much it would be. It’s worth a look. I don’t want the girls to suffer just because I am suffering. I’ll go download it hang on.

I downloaded it and looked and there is no way to hire someone just to clean the litter boxes and brush my cats. I would have to hire a pet sitter. But maybe that would be what I need to do? Hire someone to come by every day and brush them and clean their litter boxes. That way they aren’t suffering.

I don’t know. I feel so guilty for being so incapable. I’ll think on it. I’ll keep trying for today.

In other news, the thoughts are back. The urge to take all of my medicine all at once. I don’t have a plan. I just want to go for it. There is a feature in the new iOS where I can schedule messages to send at a certain time so I could let people know and apologize for not being better. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. It’s an option. Or maybe I wouldn’t even do that. I would rather not be found. I would leave plenty of food and water out fir the girls. I would make sure they were set for about a week. And they could always eat me too. So they would be okay until found. I would buy alcohol and take my meds with that, I think. And then climb in bed and get comfortable and put on a show or a podcast. And just drift off. That sounds so nice. I have o wait through. I just finished my Ativan bottle and I can’t refill it until later this month. So I have to wait regardless. Something about Ativan and drinking is very bad. But I will be patient and wait and see how I feel when the time comes.

So I guess I’m stuck here until then. I might go have another smoke. I lost track of time and idk how long it has been. If I do I will just go out and buy the carton. But I hear people in the hall so I am anxious to leave. My white noise machine only does so much.

I am finding that I much prefer this building early in the morning before anyone wakes up and deep late at night when no one is awake. It is very quiet and peaceful I am thinking of switching to a night routine just for a little bit to see if it helps with my anxiety at all. If it makes it easier to leave the house.

I wish I had a friend to talk to. I am so alone. All I have are my cats. They are my only companions, and I am probably leaving them too. Their love has sustained me for many many many years but I think I hit my limit. I don’t know. If I don’t do it now then I will do it when Boo passes. I don’t know. I don’t want to make them sad. But I can’t keep living like this. It’s been misery and misery and more misery ever since Kayla died. Nothing has been good since then. It’s all just been difficult and hard. Is it so bad if I want to join her? I don’t think so. I don’t know.

The cats complicate things. Maybe I will just stay status quo. And when they both pass then I will do it. I don’t know. I don’t want to leave them behind. But I don’t know if I can handle another however many years of being miserable.

I don’t know.