marinesgtandy-blog

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Life living not real

I know it's been a while. Nobody noticed anyways. Last thing was about how I was assaulted by a predator. Well, more memories came back. I am no longer going to be on Tumblr. With my other memories it's too much.

[marinesgtandy-blog]

I’m fed up of hurting Fed up of tears Fed up of wondering what’s wrong between my ears I’m fed up of sadness I’m fed up of tired If I think one more sad thought I don’t know if I’ll survive

ThisNameIsFalse (eight years for what)

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Grunge blog

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Surviving

Been a month now, since my suppressed memories of sexual assault were dumped back into my active memory bank. My life has gotten a lot harder. My overall sleep quality and quantity has dropped by 30% or so. My daily routine now includes anxiety that is nearly pinging off the meter constantly. I'm not jumping out of my skin at every noise, but now I analyze each new sound for threat level. Things that used to bother me don't even register, and stuff I ignored easily now gets my blood boiling. And with no support at home, I really have to sit on my emotions. Had a meeting at work earlier this week, and one of the regulars reminds me of my abuser, just a little. I didn't know it but starting 2 days before the meeting my anxiety was creeping up higher and higher. I figured it out, at the meeting, cuz every time I looked at him, my heart rate would jump 20 beats a minute faster. I've known that guy for about 6 years...but still, just enough resemblance to trigger me. Sigh....this just ain't no fun, I tell ya.

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Is it still my story?

Another chapter in the life of me. Some of you may be aware that I recently had suppressed memories of sexual assault come back. It has been about 4 weeks now. I made the decision to tell my wife, mostly hoping she would finally understand why I'm so messed up in my head. That went pretty good for the first few hours. It all went south when she got angry at some little nothing. The second sentence out of her mouth went right to blaming me for my sexual assaults. Then she went a different direction and said that she doesn't believe grown men can be sexually assaulted or raped, so then, I must be gay. That I wanted an older and much larger man to assault me, twice. Oh and that I also wanted him to threaten to kill me, multiple times. Because that's what gay men do, right? But I am very sure gay men don't threaten each other's lives for sex. And I know I am not gay. Besides at what point, what age does it change from criminal behavior to consensual gay sex? Is it 17 or 20? When? It doesn't, consenting adults are in agreement and if not then it's a crime. So now she's telling me I lied to her for over 20 years, now, that I am gay(but I'm not)and she feels like she married me under false pretenses. I said how is that? I didn't force you to marry me. She said she told her mom, who told her the wedding was paid for and she had to do it. Do any of you believe that her mom would force her to marry a man that absolutely nobody thought was gay? I know how she and her parents feel about the gay lifestyle. No no, not only would they have told her not to, but they would have sued me to get all their money back, too. And they would have made sure my good standing in our community was permanently destroyed too. So glad my story isn't mine anymore. Now she can be the victim and I can get back to fighting off these suicidal thoughts in peace. Why is it the ones we love end up being the ones that hurt us the most?

[marinesgtandy-blog]

I would say you have stolen but that is not true The truth is I’ve given up the world to you

ThisNameIsFalse (stolen but given)

[marinesgtandy-blog]

I share that same fear. While I may never be "there" for you, I will always be "here" for you.

What's your biggest fear?

I used to say my biggest fear was loneliness, but I actually love being alone most of the time. My real fear is abandonment, being alone because I’m not wanted rather than just because there’s no one there at the time.

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Sometimes breathing is the hardest part.

Just Breathe

“Just Breathe”

Whenever the pain is too much to bear, Whenever you’ve given all you can spare, When the sights in front of you are too gory to see, Remember to close your eyes and just breathe.

Whenever your smoke rises to high, Whenever you think about wanting to die, Whenever you lose and drop to your knees, Stand up again and remember to breathe.

Whenever you feel like you’re becoming undone, Whenever you feel like everyone is gone, After you lost all the blood you can bleed, Stitch yourself up again and remember to breathe.

Whenever you’re lost and and can’t find direction, Whenever your shadow stops casting reflections, Whatever egg shells you broke beneath your feet, Buy a new carton and remember to breathe.

Whenever you feel like there’s nothing left, Whenever you have days you want to forget, Whenever you feel like screaming in sheets, Lower your voice and remember to breathe.

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, And this sounds absurd coming from me, With the life that I lead, but I’ve already seen, Things aren’t as bad as long as you breathe.

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Tiffany, you are just amazing. Wow, girl, I am in awe of you!

"Whoa, What Are Those For?" CF Medications In Public

If you know anything about Cystic Fibrosis, you probably are aware of the insane amount of pills and other therapies that we require in our everyday life. While there are a lot of medications, patients with CF, like me, still have to go on with our lives like a normal person. This includes having to do our medications in public. When I have to take my Cystic Fibrosis medication in public, I am usually pretty discreet about it. Although, sometimes it’s hard to keep them from being seen. When I was in elementary school at lunch, I was asked many times about my enzymes. Being that young, I only understood that I needed them to digest my food. So, that’s what I told my classmates. Nowadays, people are aware I have something going on due to my constant supplemental oxygen. When I go to eat and pull out my 6 horse-sized enzyme pills, I get a “Whoa, what are those for?” or a “What are those for? They are HUGE. I can hardly take one small pill!” I use this time to create awareness for Cystic Fibrosis and explain that while CF affects my lungs, it also affects my digestive system causing a problem absorbing nutrients and breaking down food. 

Another medication that is hard to hide is my breathing nebulizer machine. Sometimes I have to do it in public. When I was younger I was embarrassed, due to all the stares I received. Now, I do it with confidence because there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some people come up to me and ask me about it. Like the enzymes, I always tell people about Cystic Fibrosis because it’s impossible to get awareness out without talking about. Plus, if the public is not educated about it, then there likely won’t be enough funding for a cure or drug development. When I get asked about my breathing treatment, I explain that I have a genetic illness called CF that causes my lungs to fill with sticky mucus that will eventually grow bacteria and cause my lungs to scar, which is irreversible. This can lead to needing a double lung transplant when the lungs are too scarred up and the lung function drops too low. So, in order to get this junk out of my lungs and to breathe easy, I need nebulized breathing treatments. 

I am never embarrassed when people ask me questions in public about my medication. I find it as a way to open up someone’s eyes and heart to the struggles of a person with Cystic Fibrosis. I always hope that after speaking to the public, I spark an interest in them to go research it and hopefully get involved with their Cystic Fibrosis community to find a cure. Hopefully one day we will have a cure. That’s a world I dream about :) 

-Tiffany Rich 

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Hm

[marinesgtandy-blog]

I wish I could, I really do.

ThisNameIsFalae (i remember now)

[marinesgtandy-blog]

"Whoa, What Are Those For?" CF Medications In Public

If you know anything about Cystic Fibrosis, you probably are aware of the insane amount of pills and other therapies that we require in our everyday life. While there are a lot of medications, patients with CF, like me, still have to go on with our lives like a normal person. This includes having to do our medications in public. When I have to take my Cystic Fibrosis medication in public, I am usually pretty discreet about it. Although, sometimes it’s hard to keep them from being seen. When I was in elementary school at lunch, I was asked many times about my enzymes. Being that young, I only understood that I needed them to digest my food. So, that’s what I told my classmates. Nowadays, people are aware I have something going on due to my constant supplemental oxygen. When I go to eat and pull out my 6 horse-sized enzyme pills, I get a “Whoa, what are those for?” or a “What are those for? They are HUGE. I can hardly take one small pill!” I use this time to create awareness for Cystic Fibrosis and explain that while CF affects my lungs, it also affects my digestive system causing a problem absorbing nutrients and breaking down food. 

Another medication that is hard to hide is my breathing nebulizer machine. Sometimes I have to do it in public. When I was younger I was embarrassed, due to all the stares I received. Now, I do it with confidence because there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some people come up to me and ask me about it. Like the enzymes, I always tell people about Cystic Fibrosis because it’s impossible to get awareness out without talking about. Plus, if the public is not educated about it, then there likely won’t be enough funding for a cure or drug development. When I get asked about my breathing treatment, I explain that I have a genetic illness called CF that causes my lungs to fill with sticky mucus that will eventually grow bacteria and cause my lungs to scar, which is irreversible. This can lead to needing a double lung transplant when the lungs are too scarred up and the lung function drops too low. So, in order to get this junk out of my lungs and to breathe easy, I need nebulized breathing treatments. 

I am never embarrassed when people ask me questions in public about my medication. I find it as a way to open up someone’s eyes and heart to the struggles of a person with Cystic Fibrosis. I always hope that after speaking to the public, I spark an interest in them to go research it and hopefully get involved with their Cystic Fibrosis community to find a cure. Hopefully one day we will have a cure. That’s a world I dream about :) 

-Tiffany Rich 

[marinesgtandy-blog]

That's all I want, just for the hurting to stop and to stop being blamed for something that someone else did to me.

Hm

[marinesgtandy-blog]

ThisNameIsFalae (i remember now)

[marinesgtandy-blog]

Just Breathe

“Just Breathe”

Whenever the pain is too much to bear, Whenever you’ve given all you can spare, When the sights in front of you are too gory to see, Remember to close your eyes and just breathe.

Whenever your smoke rises to high, Whenever you think about wanting to die, Whenever you lose and drop to your knees, Stand up again and remember to breathe.

Whenever you feel like you’re becoming undone, Whenever you feel like everyone is gone, After you lost all the blood you can bleed, Stitch yourself up again and remember to breathe.

Whenever you’re lost and and can’t find direction, Whenever your shadow stops casting reflections, Whatever egg shells you broke beneath your feet, Buy a new carton and remember to breathe.

Whenever you feel like there’s nothing left, Whenever you have days you want to forget, Whenever you feel like screaming in sheets, Lower your voice and remember to breathe.

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, And this sounds absurd coming from me, With the life that I lead, but I’ve already seen, Things aren’t as bad as long as you breathe.

[marinesgtandy-blog]

What's your biggest fear?

I used to say my biggest fear was loneliness, but I actually love being alone most of the time. My real fear is abandonment, being alone because I’m not wanted rather than just because there’s no one there at the time.

[marinesgtandy-blog]

So I talked to my Dad

Talked to Dad this morning, went well enough. Lots of quiet in between. I don't know what he was thinking or feeling. But he stared off into space a lot, and I saw that he got teary eyed more than a few times. He told me he was proud of me for having the courage to tell him. Told me he was very very sorry this happened and he does not think poorly of me. I think he was more heart broken when I told him about the times I attempted suicide. However I didn't tell him about the 3 day coma. I didn't want him to know how close I really came to succeeding. He told me to please talk to him every time I need to. But that doesn't make it easier to bring this up. At least now I know he does want to help. I wish for you all out there in Tumblr land to be able to talk to your parents about anything big or small. No matter how hard it is, you may just find out that they really do got your back. And for those of you who's parents aren't receptive I am truly sorry.