markpuen-blog
38 posts
another average dude trying to put 2 & 2 together
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its august 8, 2017. im alone in the office really confused as to whats happening to the relationship im in. im hurt and im just really out of it. im not a priority in any way. will i ever be? should i even be waiting? ive found myself on google several times today searching "how to know when i sjhould break up with my girlfriend". i dont know what to do
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whats good in good morning
what a time to be alive; i have just basically realized how afraid i am to commit to my girlfriend. sounds stupid, no? i mean she is already my girlfriend, but the thing is - she's not. or at least she doesnt act like it - or maybe doesnt want us to be together. either way, its difficult for me right now because obviously i want affection. and when i do ask for affection, she rolls her eyes at me, most of the times, she doesnt even reply. shes a rock and im a jellyfish - a spineless, emotional, pink jellyfish. shes got me so hooked, but she doesnt reciprocate anything do. cant even get a text back tbh. im so afraid to invest in her anymore because she wont even care. my friends say im too good to her and idk what to do anymore. im in love with a rock. im so afraid to care anymore because it hurts to care for someone who doesnt care back. Is this my fault? is it my fault im guarding my heart instead of opening it up more? *sigh* hello, not-so-good morning
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i thought of something today... i want you to know that if i had to cross a million oceans to get to you, i wouldnt. not anymore.
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why do we even talk? you dont try to converse with me. its like im wasting ideas and saliva. but i try. i try to care and i try to get you to notice me because thats all i want -- your attention. but im done now. and its fine if we break up because i know you dont love me anyway. its probably better if you stop playing with my heart
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THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW... YOU FUCKING HURT ME SO MUCH AND JUST A LITTLE PUSH MORE AND ILL FUCKING LEAVE YOU.
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You can’t just disappear and come back into my life like nothing happened.
If I Stay (2014), Dir. R. J. Cutler (via wnq-movies)
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sometimes i lie about going to bed early because i don't want to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to me
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just the little things
am i mad at you? of course not. how can i ever get mad at you? but do i think its complete bullshit how id tear my walls down and be completely open with you for absolutely anything while you cant even text back? yep, i do
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sometimes i lie about going to bed early because i know you dont want to talk to me
It’s 3 in the morning. I’ve been sitting on the park bench for 4 hours. I’m fucking freezing. Want to know why I ended up here? Why I’ve been sitting on this bench for four hours in the hypothetical winter caused by my girlfriend’s attitude? Well, let me start. November 2016. We fucked up. We both took each other and rammed ourselves into the proverbial relationship wall. Ah, the relationship wall; a paradise for the non- committed and a nightmare for the dedicated. It is that part in the relationship where one or both partners just stop showing effort, showing care, showing, well, love. Being the normal, not-so-crazy couple, we decided to break up and take time for ourselves. We thought of how it might be if we got a taste of how life was without each other and, long story short, it was miserable. Instead of fast forwarding to the good part, I decided to let you in on the dull, boring bits of the pseudo- relationship. December 2016. Another month, another fuck up. I got crazy; not just crazy, I mean I got really crazy – Charlie Chaplin crazy. I’ll be honest, I was jealous. I was jealous of the fact that my then ex-girlfriend was having fun without me. Which is selfish, but in my defense, she was supposed to be happy when she was with me –if she was with me at that time, but I was hurt and I didn’t want to push us together. Actually scratch that last part because I did want us to be together at that time. To be honest, I couldn’t bear the idea of us breaking apart; it just felt like something I had to do because of the pain. So going back, we broke up there was this night she posted a picture of her and her best-est friend at a party. Sorry, not sorry, she was smoking hot. Looking at the photo just got me all hyped up thinking “damn! This my baby gurl!”, but then it hit me – she wasn’t “MY BABY GURL”. She wasn’t. That fucking sucked. Then it hit me again, she hurt me; all the memories just came flooding back to me like someone decided to break the dam of emotions in my brain. That’s when I went Charlie Chaplin. I texted her. Y’know what it’s like to be drunk texting someone crazy stuff you know you’ll regret the next day? Well, I don’t drink, so I don’t, but this probably was the closest to drunk texting as I’ll ever get. I started texting her crazy stuff about how I felt about her and, honestly, they weren’t nice. Here I was ranting to my ex about how she hurt me and how she left me high and dry when, at the back of my mind, I really wanted to get back with her. So, yeah, fucked up. So here comes the next day. It’s always a sucky morning when you know you did something stupid the night before and you wake up to the thought of remembering how stupid you were for doing what you did. And, yes, that’s exactly how I felt – stupid. It was immature, irresponsible, stupid, and dare I say, unmanly of me to have, but whatever I did, and to be honest, it made me feel better. I got things off of my chest and I felt ready to love again. Her, on the other hand, not so ready. I mean, let’s be honest, I wouldn’t be ready to love myself, too if someone ranted that way. So let’s kind of fast forward to January 2017. January 2017. It’s the new year. Here we go, y’all. Here I am thinking “New year, new me”, but I haven’t really gotten off of her. We had gotten to talking and we made a deal where if we still loved each other and we decided we were ready to love each other again, we would tell each other and continue the relationship from there. It was crazy. Not me anymore, though. It was crazy because the whole time after we had talked about that ultimatum, I was already ready to love. So I was there waiting. I went on waiting for her, because really, I just wanted her back – I wanted our relationship back. Days turned to weeks, but finally the day came; not the day she finally said she wanted me back, but the Mr. and Ms. Cardinals Pageant. It wasn’t really supposed to be a big day, but I had to attend to my final walk and in my final walk, I would be walking to a speech made personally by moi. In my speech, I put in a dainty little detail in just for her so I really wanted her to be there. And she was; she was there. In my speech I said, “to the most favorite girl I might ever know, Antoinette Santos. Thank you for the love. Thank you for… well, existing”. February 2017. We made it. WE. MADE. IT. We got back together. Those days of paranoia and heartbreak finally paid off because I had my baby girl back. Those were the days. We shared nothing, but love, communication, and desire. Desire for one another, not in a sexual way, but in a way one’s day wouldn’t be complete without the other. I can’t lie, it was the best. So there you have it, your typical fairytale ending, but wait. ITS NOT. April 2017. She stopped. She disappeared. Gone are the days where the smell of love and rose petals filled my room. We were back to the old Mark and Toni. Our backs against the proverbial wall we all know very well and in no way love. I tried to keep my mouth shut so I can understand her. I tried to keep my thoughts to myself so I can know her more. I tried to love her more during the days I felt she needed me to. I tried to do all those, but I just couldn’t. I feel the wall between us getting bigger and bigger. I feel every ounce of love we have for each other is being whisked away by anti-love fairies. I told her what’s wrong and what I feel needs to be done to keep the relationship alive, but our love is suffering the kind of death all loves experience when lack of communication is present – the slow kind. I cried and I pleaded for us to really try to put in the work, after all, I’m not in this relationship for fun. “I really want us to work”, I keep thinking to myself, but now I’m lost, I’m confused, and honestly, I’m tired, too. So, being lost and all, I’ve decided to do the thing I do best – slum. In slumming I hope I find the peace I need, or maybe better. In slumming, I hope she finds me here, sitting on this park bench. In the winter of her heart because really, is there sunshine where there is no love? And time check: I’ve officially been waiting here for the past 4 hours and I’ll continue to do so until she finds me. She is really all that I want to save me. I hope she does. So, yeah. That’s basically the story of us, now. It’s a messy, crazed up wonderland of love, dreams, (almost) sex, and emotional trauma – the ingredients of only the best rom coms. Oh, and if you noticed, I ‘borrowed’ my opener from the movie, “That awkward moment” directed by Tom Gormicon, because no emotional story can ever be completed without a teen drama, life realizing film with Zac Efron in it. And if you ever stumble upon this letter, Toni. I hope you know I’m here. Locked in the winter portions of your dungeon heart. Do me a solid and get me out of here, aye?
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Its been so long since i last updated. I know no one reads this anyway, but i feel like i should write more. lets get weird
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you are so hard to love, you know that?
and its really tiring to keep pushing myself to you
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Everyone wants some magical solution for their problem and everyone refuses to believe in magic.
Once Upon a Time (via wnq-movies)
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this is really sad. it is i swear. why cant we just all be loved the way we want
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