markusvent

[markusvent]

4/4/2021

Man I had really hoped to be rid of this fucking blog by now.

Uh well, 

Mom is freezing me out and Dad is a fucking mess. Venus is being isolated and their mental health is tanking and I can’t really do anything meaningful to help. 

The guys are beyond angry. Dnd is cancelled so now my stupid fuckups are affecting Paige and Eric. I don’t know how my relationship with Lonnie or anyone else is going to be affected, but I can only imagine that they won’t be super great soon. 

I knew Connor was angry and he had every right to be but I hadn’t realized just how much he’s grown to resent me. I can’t blame him.

“Maybe you shouldn’t come back” fuck man

I’ve messaged Kat a couple times but its too late really. I don’t really think it can be overstated how much I have fucked up this time. And I can only blame myself. I just don’t want Paige and Marb blamed. 

I’m moving to Texas at the end of this month. Guess I’m burnin bridges I never meant to. 

I’m sorry.

[markusvent]

gotta be okay with the ways you hurt me. how you walked away and left everything burning. gotta be okay with how you made a living hell. my doctor says learn to relax, it’ll do wonders for your health.

gotta be okay with this. i go to therapy. i do online pilates where women in tight pastels tell me to just have fun with it. i download another relaxation app.

sometimes i spend hours trying to find the words for it. how agonizingly angry i am. you fucked me up so badly. the worst part is that it wasn’t even about me. it was all to further your own story. i picture getting you in a room and holding a little slideshow party. now, on slide sixty, things are getting juicy,

the worst part is actually that i still find myself making excuses. you didn’t know what you were doing. the worst part is actually that i still stupidly love you, a little bit, in some sick kind of way. the worst part is actually -

gotta be okay. my mother says that the best revenge is a life well-lived. i meal-prep and start new projects and live as well as can be managed. 

i fold each fucking thing i’d say to you and i discard it. i tell myself it wouldn’t make a difference. i find little places in my heart where there’s still something on fire, and i watch it throw a little fit. and then i go and get a big old watering can. and i fucking quench it.

[markusvent]

1/20/2021

Been a while

My parents are split and getting a divorce. Dad moved to North Carolina before I even got home. The dog died the night I got back in from Texas. I just want to get out of here. 

I’m so fuckin tired and so fuckin sad but I’m also so fuckin ???

I don’t want to fuck this up

[markusvent]

You hate yourself so loudly. You hate yourself at the top of your lungs. Your loathing for yourself permeates your speech. “Sorry I’m just rambling.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Just ignore me.” “Sorry if I’m annoying you.” “Sorry I don’t make sense.” “Sorry about that.” Sorry, sorry, sorry. You act as if you have to beat everyone else to the punch. As if the punching bag is you. If you hate yourself first, if you hate yourself loudest, then nobody will hurt you. You clapped your hands over your ears and shut your eyes and balled yourself up so that you’d never have to experience people’s loathing for you. And it meant you never heard their love. You drowned it out. You screamed your hatred over it. And you never got to hear it. 

[markusvent]

5/21/2020

what the fuck am I supposed to do

what am I supposed to think

[markusvent]

5/21/2020

Why the fuck did you have to lie?

For what reasons? What could I have said or done that would have made you lie?

Cas what the fuck

I loved you, unconditionally and despite every warning from you and everyone else’s judgement.

When you left I felt my heart break, just a little, but it was fine because you had a reason and you’re your own person and what could I have done to make things better? Nothing. So you left, you left this place, you left the sheets and pillows that still smell like you and you left me. You left me.

I loved you. You were my best friend, and even though it was hard sometimes I was so, so proud. You were growing, you were learning, you were being vulnerable and learning to be okay with that. 

Then you backslid harder than I’ve ever seen anyone do. I tried. No one can say that Mark didn’t try his damnedest to keep you from falling back, but nothing I could have done would’ve changed things and that’s the harder thing to accept. 

I want to blame myself. Find something wrong with me instead of looking at your stained hands. Easier to blame the monster you hate instead of the person you loved.

The last /real/ thing I said to you after you said you were different from the others was to prove it. Prove that you wouldn’t break my heart along old cracks.

And I guess you did. Because at least they didn’t lie. 

Thanks for the new fractures. 

[markusvent]

5/21/2020

obligatory ‘quarantine sucks and I miss my friends’ post

because I do

I miss them so much

[markusvent]

‪Was friends with the green eyed monster for a while ‬

(Poem by Lilly May)

[markusvent]

11/13/19

god you’re a real dumb motherfucker mark

think before you speak for fucks sake

[markusvent]

and stay away

[markusvent]

5/22/19

God I miss the guys

It’s 11:15 at night and theres this lonely kinda throbbing in my chest

Fuck I miss you guys

I have Cas and Kat and Eric and Lyd, but I can’t talk to any of them about how I feel because I’ve been so emotionally constipated lately and ugh

I’m a bummer to be around and I don’t want to bring them down with me, but I don’t really want to be alone

I don’t know

fuck

[markusvent]

when u know the way ur dad acts is because of his own unresolved issues/trauma but at the same time u know u dont deserve to be treated the way ur being treated but u cant do anything abt it

[markusvent]

sorry that I will never be enough

[markusvent]

OTHER/ A GUIDE TO THE WAY THEY LOOK AT YOU: a mini zine about being gay and trans and stuck

[markusvent]

[markusvent]

I just realised that our parents LITERALLY NEVER showed the slightest bit of interest in any of our hobbies or interests except when we picked up their hobbies or it was for school. Everything else was always, automatically annoying, bothersome and a waste of time and silly.

10 years later we still feel convinced that what we like will only ever be annoying and bothersome to others.

[markusvent]

Children/teens aren’t allowed to be sad or in a bad mood because they can get yelled at for it and ridiculed and told to ‘change your attitude or I will for you’, while adults who are sad or in a bad mood, are allowed to yell at and take their frustration out on the kids. Adult privilege huh?