marlboro-lenz - Tumblr blog

[marlboro-lenz]

maybe none of it was love. that was never what love was supposed to feel like. that was abuse... in several different forms. it all feels the same though, doesn't it? when everything is said and done.

I don’t understand how it’s so hard for me to let bad things go. When i was younger i loved so hard, even though i didn’t know what love was. When i was younger i had love ripped from my fingertips. Yet i overcame it. It left a you shaped scar on me, but i over came it. And then again. I had my heart shattered by two different men. And the whole time everyone was in my ear telling me that it was not love. If it wasn’t love how did it leave me so broken hearted? If it wasn’t love then, how can i relate to what i wrote about all these years later. I’ve found myself in a position of confusion and heartbreak yet again, and i read what i wrote in my adolescence and still relate to it completely. If it wasn’t love, then what was it? What is it now?

[marlboro-lenz]

For Josh, my favorite muse

I dreamt about you again last night. You were cruel. The prelude is, I broke up with my boyfriend for you. I wanted you so bad I threw everything else away. And my boyfriend forgave me, and wants to be with me still, but you’re still on my mind. In my dream, I got back with my boyfriend after you told everyone you never wanted me. After you convinced me I was crazy for wanting you and pursuing you… so me and him got back together… but i kept catching you around. We exchange our looks then go about our day. And then you showed your attention again. All i remember is you catching me for a moment and not kissing me, but pulling me close. You just wanted me to feel your body against mine. And i always eat that shit up. You told me to meet you at your place later. And I was yours in that moment. Just feeling your body so close to mine, feeling you look at me lustfully drove me crazy. You drive me crazy. Feeling your hands on me, being so close to you i feel your body heat and your dick through your pants. So when you ask to see me, you should have known i was already yours for the taking. But when i came back for more, i was chasing after you. You were insight but you wouldn’t let me reach you… and then i look up and there my boyfriend is. He was waiting to catch me. I had been set up. I think i understand how addiction can come in so many different colors, and i always hurt the ones i love. I just get so addicted to men like you.

[marlboro-lenz]

For Josh, if you wonder if you’re still on my mind

I still think about your hands. They are youthful, but hands can tell your whole life story. They hold most of our experiences on them like a diary in an unfamiliar language. From birth, we use touch to learn all about the world around us, and into adolescence and adulthood our hands go first into everything we do. I want you to run your hands all up and down my body, so that I can be a page forever in their story. I want your hands to know me better than you could. Blindfolded in a room with 100 other women I want your hands to find me over and over again. I want your hands to be addicted, no matter how much time they can spend on me tonight, I want them to crave me again when you wake. And each time I'm met with your hands its like the first time, to explore my body all over again as if they think there’s something new to be discovered. To cradle my delicate jaw in your palm. Move my hair behind my ear, lift my head up so my eyes can meet yours. For your finger tips to slide down my breast, to go in circles at my nipples. For your rough hands to travel so delicately down my stomach in the indentation between my muscles guiding you right down to my pussy, but you to bypass her as if your hands have to meet my whole body before you let yourself in. My ass, my thighs, my soft legs, your hands made their way down to my ankles. Memorizing every inch on the way down. As if you couldn’t learn enough from touch, you travel back up my body with your tongue. You kiss the top of my feet, and leave a trail up my leg. With one hand you grab my face, to gaze before you pull me into your kiss. I taste the cigarettes on your tongue, and feel your other hand wonder to its favorite spot. Once again, your delicate fingertips do circles on my inner thighs, making my pussy beg for your touch. And finally, like the world went silent and all I could hear was pleasure, you meet her. I push into it like you would a kiss at the end of a date. Like I had been staring at your hands for months and now they were finally pleasing me. Just when I thought your touch couldn’t get any better, you enter me like I was a home you haven't been to in decades but still remember like the back of your hand. I want you to feel me pulse around you, to feel my heart beat through my pussy, just for you.

[marlboro-lenz]

For Josh,

Id give everything to feel your hands on me, the first touch is like heroine. To feel your hands on my back, my thighs, to feel you press down on my stomach while youre inside of me. To feel you gently move my hair out of the way. Your hands around my neck and on my chest. What it would feel like the first time i feel you inside of me, it drives me crazy thinking about it. The way my stomach feels with we make eye contact, thats all i can think about. Your head in between my legs. I wonder if you’re thinking the same thing. If i drive you crazy. I wonder if this is mutual

I want you to yell at me. I want to be able to fire you up, i want you to demand me with your strong voice. I want to hear passion come out of you so angrily. And i want to fuck so hard after.

You were in my dream the other night, as i laid in bed with my boyfriend. I was thinking about you. We were neighbors, and id catch you staring at me as i played in my garden. Our eyes met just as you were looking away, and i caught your attention again.

[marlboro-lenz]

For Josh,

I was in your home last Friday. Laying on your carpet, petting your dog. I looked through you senior year book, you drank my soda… we talked about stupid little things… and you asked if my boyfriend knew i was there. I told you yes, and thats true. But he doesn’t know what was running through my mind as i walked through your door. You walked to my car, and i felt myself get nervous. It’s such a rush being around someone who makes you so nervous.

You weren’t weird or rapey, which is no small feat. To walk into a home ive never been to, alone with a man whose intentions i cant decipher. And all i felt was comfort. Like i could spend hours there with you. If i could spend the whole year laying ass naked on your couch, god i would.

I think sex might ruin how i feel about you, it usually does. I’m scared you might loose your appeal once i win the prize. But what if it’s a prize i can’t get enough of? What if it just makes it that much better. Sometimes i forget how to act around you, i forget how to walk thinking about you in between my legs. I want it so bad. I want just a taste of you and i feel crazy thinking id give everything for that.

[marlboro-lenz]

For Josh,

The door opened, outside is hazy from the bright white snow falling fast around him… but there he was, crystal clear looking up at me. Ive liked him since I met him, but in this moment i tried to catch myself as i started to fall in love. I feel like i saw right through him, right through all the pain and hurt and regret he carries on his shoulders, his whole life i saw right through it, the purest form of man… standing beautiful, looking up at me with a gorgeous smile on his face. I felt as if god sent him down as a blessing with snow glittering around him, as if i should be thankful to witness him with rose colored glasses on. I’ve never seen a man look so happy, honest, and genuine. I want to witness him like that for the rest of my life.

And he doesn’t even think about me. He doesn’t know me and to be honest I dont know him. But god, do i want to. I want to know how he wakes up in the morning, i want to know what he’s thinking about when he walks around with the worlds confidence on his shoulders. I want to know what he does when he walks through the doors of his home, i want to know how he talks to his mother. I want to know his sister. I want to miss him, i want to lay in bed next to him on gloomy sundays. I want to hear him talk about work, and what he’s watching on tv, i wanna hear about his favorite things, and the things he hates the most. I want him to talk about me. I want him to listen to me talk about my whole life, everything ive done and everything i haven’t. Everyone i love and all my favorite things. I want to know him, and i want him to know me.

I dont think he would feel the same if i asked him.

Would i risk everything i have for something new? To learn someone all over again? Should i risk everything for something better… or something worse? Or more than likely nothing at all.

[marlboro-lenz]

I don’t understand how it’s so hard for me to let bad things go. When i was younger i loved so hard, even though i didn’t know what love was. When i was younger i had love ripped from my fingertips. Yet i overcame it. It left a you shaped scar on me, but i over came it. And then again. I had my heart shattered by two different men. And the whole time everyone was in my ear telling me that it was not love. If it wasn’t love how did it leave me so broken hearted? If it wasn’t love then, how can i relate to what i wrote about all these years later. I’ve found myself in a position of confusion and heartbreak yet again, and i read what i wrote in my adolescence and still relate to it completely. If it wasn’t love, then what was it? What is it now?

[marlboro-lenz]

He told me i sounded different. We went through photos and videos from the past, and he told me i sounded different. Id agree. I sounded happier, like i still had life in me, like i still had innocence in me. But i know, during those times i wasn’t as happy as i made myself seem. The lows were low, but in return the highs were really fucking high.

Now it’s just numbness. I lost myself. My intense emotions, the light in my eyes, the magnetic energy.

I no longer have lows as low as I did, but in order to get to this point I sacrificed everything. I don’t love as hard, or smile as wide. I cant. I cant let myself be that happy, or love like that because i know what comes with it. Immense pain.

I don’t know if it’s worth that. So I’ve drained the hope, and happiness, and dreams, and emotion out of myself, as to prevent the pain. Was it worth it?

I sound different now.

[marlboro-lenz]

9/01/2037

nothing will ever change. the love i have for you, kid, its far too strong to every disappear. i would give up everything, to raise you, to be your role model, to be you best friend and your safe place. i want you to have nothing short of everything you want and everything you deserve. but its out of my control, and i have to say goodbye.

you will live a long, prosperous life... and some day... when were older and I've got my shit together... and I've got a stable home, i will be here for you. when you're old enough to have a mind of your own, and make decisions for yourself... i hope you come back to me.

i will try to be here when you need me. if you ever find yourself needing me. i will love you like my son, like my baby brother, for the rest of our lives.

[marlboro-lenz]

to be honest, im so scared of falling inlove. i tend to self sabotage. i think, surely im too young to know what love is, there is no way this is it. i barely know this person, how can i possibly feel so strongly. as ive said before, i have BPD... i cant even trust my own emotions, thoughts and feelings. my last S.O. i thought for sure that was my soul mate. but i hated him. and now im with this new man and he makes me hate that i every gave my love to the last man, he didnt deserve to get to see this side of me. he didnt deserve to get this love. what if the same thing happens with this new dude?

[marlboro-lenz]

driving home

I'm doing it again, going back home. this time with sound mind and body, i think.

i met someone last time i went home... i met someone that made saying goodbye so much harder. i fell in love, which isn't hard for me.

i went back home and was greeted with so much love. i almost forgot what that felt like.

[marlboro-lenz]

bpd chronicles

i really HATE having bpd.

i think one thing, and set it as precedent, and fully feel that certain way. and then in the matter of one day, one night, one word, one action, i can feel the exact opposite.

i planned this really fun activity with a friend i really have grown to love, and now i hate it, i hate him, i offered yet now i feel suffocated.

i feel so bad because i really end up caring for these people, but it is out of my control when my mindset switches. maybe im just thinking too much.

maybe i just need a few drinks...

[marlboro-lenz]

i love the way you are in love with me. the way i can mesmerize you so effortlessly. you call it sex appeal

[marlboro-lenz]

even when I am given an abundance of love, even when I have the hearts of many men, nothing compares to you. nothing compares to your love, your attention, your affection. I could be so happy, if i didn't let you rob me of it all the time.

I want your love back more than I've wanted anything in the world. now that you're gone, I've forgotten all the evil deeds, I've forgotten how you broke me time and time again.

you are gone, and the only thing remaining is the love I felt for you.

[marlboro-lenz]

June 8th, 2022 @ 13:16 hours

There is an experience of mine that pops up in my head at moments where I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with the memory.

My freshman year of high school, for Christmas break, my sister and I flew from our home, Cincinnati, to Santa Cruz. Our dad's family is in Ohio and Kentucky, and our Mom's family is mostly in California, along with various members scattered all around the world.

Our Aunt lives in Santa Cruz, where both my Aunt and Uncle went to college at UCSC. Our uncle at the time was living in Singapore, he spent half a decade living in Singapore. Our grandmother lives in Chico, California. A small town mostly know for its party school, Chico State.

I think I can speak for my sister and myself when I say our grandmother, Aunt, and Uncle have always been important figures in our lives. It was hard growing up 2,000 miles away from them, but that made our time together so much more memorable. It was even harder when my uncle moved out of the country. As much love as I have in my heart for the rest of my mother's family... my Uncle was not only a special uncle, he was a special person, and the best role model any little kid could have.

When I was in college, I spent a weekend with my grandmother and she asked me, "when you think about being successful, what does that look like?" I told her it looked like my Uncle. Not only did he have a great job that he worked his ass off for, but he had the courage to live life to its very fullest, and he had the heart to remain humble and family driven through it all. He was a godly man, but also listened to Warren G on our drives to In-N-Out. He instilled so much knowledge and wisdom in me, and left me with memories that have shaped me and continue to shape me into the person I am and strive to be. I thrive to have a heart as big and generous as his.

So, as you can imagine, that Christmas break when my uncle came home from Singapore, and my sister and I came out from Ohio, was a very special Christmas. We drove hours to Chico and all stayed at my grandmother's house. We had a great holiday together and even got to celebrate my Uncle's birthday.

Our last night in California, my Uncle was flying back to Singapore and my sister and I were going back home to Ohio. We all had early morning flights out of San Francisco, so we booked a hotel in the bay area and spent that night seeing the city. Our uncle treated us to a sushi dinner, I've never been a fan of uncooked fish, but loved it when my uncle would order for me and let me taste test all of his recommendations, and my sister has been a sushi lover for years so she was always willing to try it before me. He also treated us to the most delicious ice cream, and we ended our night with a midnight showing of a superhero movie. I wanted to see I, Tonya that night but was out voted with no hesitation. We could've been watching a documentary on trees and I still would've loved it though. (And two or three weeks after that we had a snow day at school, so I tricked my mom into taking me to watch I, Tonya. She thought the movie was ridiculous but I enjoyed spending the day with her so everything really does work out in the end.) At about 2am we got to our hotel and my uncle and sister got maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep while I spent the night snapchatting my best friend about how much I didn't want our vacation to end.

We made it to SFO and it all started to kick in, the realization that I only have a few more moments with my uncle before he leaves and I didn't know when the next time I would see him was going to be. We made it through TSA and he waited with us for our plane to start boarding before he headed to his gate. I let my sister walk in front of me so when I looked back there would be nothing blocking my view of my uncle, and as I walked towards the plane, my eyes were glued on my uncle and trying their very best to hold back tears. I had a smile on my face because I wanted that to be how he would remember us, happy. As I walked to my seat I was sobbing. It's a very bitter sweet memory.

To love someone so much, and to fly thousands of miles away from them, not knowing when you will get to see them again. It is one of the most heart breaking pains I've ever experienced yet I have so many similar experiences.

I've done the same thing with my father and grandpa, the other two most important men in my life. Having to walk away from them and get on a plane not knowing when I would see them next. I've even had to say goodbye like that to my baby cousin. When I met him for the first time at 6 months old, and spent the most magical two weeks with that little boy, then having to get on a plane and fly back home. Spending every last moment with my eyes glued on his little face. He didn't even know how much I loved him, or how much it hurt having to fly hundreds of miles away from him.

You really don't know how much you truly love someone until you have to leave them.

To my uncle, who is no longer with us... I love you and will always remember you in your happiest moments. The time I got to spend with you was more significant than anyone could imagine, I will always be grateful for those moments.

To my Pa, two-thousand miles away, you will always be my home. You will always have half of my heart with you in that little country home in the middle of the big city. There is no amount or combination of words that does justice of describing how much love I have for you. I wish I never had to say goodbye to you, but I hope you know you gave me the courage and confidence to explore everything this world has to offer. You lit a fire inside of me to always chase happiness, from one corner of the world to the other.

To my Mom and Dad, who have been the blueprint of my personality, heart, and character... there will be so many goodbyes, and they will always hurt, But no matter what the destination is of my plane, everything you have taught me and done for me and sacrificed for me will follow. Take pride in knowing you have made me a strong, knowledgeable, and hopefully independent young woman. Dad, always keep your phone on, just incase I need to learn something new. Mom, always keep your phone on, just incase I need a shoulder to cry on.

To my baby cousin, who has given me a whole new look on life, who has been a bright shining light in a world that has been seemingly so dark for so long, I'm so glad I get to watch you grow, and I thank god every day he has blessed your mom like he has. She has been so good to me my whole life, you brought hope and love to our whole family. I hope you grow up knowing I will always be there for you, even if one day I have to get back on that plane and say goodbye to you again, even if I'm on the other side of the world, I will always be right there with you kiddo. Just as your mother has been there for me. I can't wait to tell you these stories of our Uncle so you know just who is watching down on you from Heaven, I will pass his love onto you, I may never do it justice, but he will guide the both of us.

[marlboro-lenz]

Untitled

I miss your late night calls. they kept me sane. You did a lot of drinking and driving, which I always yelled at you about. I couldn't help but think you were only calling because you were drunk, and had a lonely hour drive back to a lonely home. but you'd call me before I went to bed, when you were on your breaks at work. I never wanted you to hang up, and sometimes you'd just keep me on the phone when you went back to work.

I miss seeing your name ring on my phone. I fell in love through our facetime calls. I loved knowing that in every minute of free time, it was my voice you wanted to hear, my face you wanted to see.

I miss knowing you. I miss when I knew you better than anyone else in the world. Now you are nothing but a ghost.

How do I live now, knowing all my love has been given to someone who no longer exists in my world? I don't want to love ever again.

[marlboro-lenz]

i miss you

i miss you. you who broke me, you who abused me, you who had no regard for me. i live every day of my life missing you.

i watched a tiktok of a SA survivor talking about how her abuser sent her letters after he went to prison. and that really upset me.

i know i shouldn't expect anything from you. but you plead guilty. do you realize what you did or did you just want to take the easy way out?

i know its probably the latter. but why did i never get an, "I'm sorry"

so, when you stand in front of the judge asking him to release you early... i will be there. i will tell him i was showed no remorse for your actions.

he will probably over look it just like he overlooked every word i said about the years of terror and abuse. because there is no way he took what i told him into consideration, and didn't give you max prison time.