marleysmellowmood

[marleysmellowmood]

I’m scared cuz I’m getting rlly vulnerable

I’m opening myself to her

Her heartbreak? Is that what it is

And what do I do

[marleysmellowmood]

I think I might be in love again

And this time I think it might be too quick

But this time I met her and we had three nights and then she left

To Mumbai for a long time

I don’t want to know how long

I just keep telling myself it’s long, too long and if I knew how long it really was I may start making rules and drawing lines and saying we can’t go past this

This is the thing that protects us

The line

The boundary in the sand

The boundary separating ideal and real.

I know I can snap out if I snap my fingers

But what if I’m in love again

What if this feeling I need I can have

And what if this feeling I need is real

Maybe I’m not idealistic maybe it’s real because I feel it

But it straddles the boundary

And I want to cry again because maybe I can’t feel it all the time

And maybe I can’t have her all the time

And maybe I will be alone

Maybe I will be truly alone for the rest of my days with no understanding. With none of the salvation that love and grounding and commitment provides.

How do I still have faith in this thing this feeling when I’ve been so destroyed by the lack of faith that people I’ve loved with everything feel?

How do I know I’ll be okay unless I know she believes in the same thing too?

Will she come back?

Can I believe in it again?

Or do I continue on exhibiting hardness ? Drinking and drugging and trying to just be happy and have fun how does it run

How does it function

What distractions do I give myself to stay away from the idea that plagues me in the night

When I’m away from you all when I don’t have the best friend

When the commitment isn’t there

When I can’t trust

When I don’t have siblings

When I don’t know who to turn to

Who supports me

Who I support

I don’t know who I support

But I’d have it be her

Could I even do it?

Am I too broken hearted to love entirely again?

I hate my brain

I hate my insides

I want to pull them out and rewire them anew

I want bliss and loving

I don’t know anymore I don’t know

[marleysmellowmood]

Dante's Inferno (1911) Directed by Francesco Bertolini, Adolfo Padovan & Giuseppe De Liguoro

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Jules Joseph Lefebvre: 'The Grasshopper' (1872)

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Dreamhack 2002

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peripherals

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Visual Studio - SECUR05.ICO

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Happy New Year 1984 !

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Luna, from the series Planets by Giulio Bonasone (1530-70)

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Behold: The Chicago Mercury about 1936. Ta-dah!

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This takes talking to oneself to an entirely new level.

[marleysmellowmood]

Not to be confused with interlocking socks, a type of bondage gear.

Look - November 16th 1965

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Xmas TL;DR

Life - November 11th 1950

[marleysmellowmood]

‘Winter Night in the Mountains. Study’ by Harald Sohlberg, c. 1901-1902.

[marleysmellowmood]

n0-face, n0-0ne., Sky Goodman, 2023