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Felt ugly, constantly being degraded and humiliated, had to build a whole new personality so I can stand and not being anxious being called ugly for that, few years pass, then got called ugly AGAIN, and that personality easily crumbled.

Well, fuck.

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It's amazing of what dopamine and serotonin boost from constantly doing push up and sex do to my mood and energy.

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lie here with me.

my print shop // my instagram

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it’s awesome how we have unlimited chances to become a better version of ourselves

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Aneh, Tapi Like I Vowed, I had Nothing to Regret

Hidup seperti Levi Ackerman, itu yang aku maui. Daya juang tinggi, keinginan survival tinggi.

Jadi ketika ada clientku yang membuatku sakit hati dengan segala sikapnya yang memuakkan, aku tidak menyesali apapun. Hanya tawa yang tertinggal.

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Current Status: Living the Life that I Had Never Ever Dare to Dream

And because of that, now I know that nothing is impossible. What you want is already within your reach, you just have to extend your arm until its limit, and reach it, if you dare.

I was am a dreamer. I dreamed of many things...wanting so many things. I don't get satisfied so easily. I keep on searching and exploring for the next best things, for next experience and adventures.

Right now, I live in Bali. That fact itself, actually, is amazing and on this blog entry, I just want to appreciate it and really savor it.

I spent my childhood practically vacationless. Going to Bandung for long weekend? Visiting Kuta beach during new year? Staying at a villa and having nice barbeque with family or close friends in Puncak? Forget it all. My parents were poor both in terms of money and time back then, so me and my sister could only relying on going to our grandparents house to count as 'vacation'. We hate it, of course, but powerless to do anything.

Twice a year, every school break, we were forced to went to Temanggung, a small unknown city in Central Java, a place I hated the most. More often than not, without our parents even.

Growing up, I could only listen to my friends yapping about their fun holiday and vacation with their family. I was always an outsider, cannot relate at all. Bandung? Bali? Puncak? Pangandaran? Wherever it was, I imagined that they were so distant, unreachable, impossible fantasy.

Even until I graduated from high school, I still haven't explored much, despite my hardest effor to move out from Bekasi. I failed the entry exam from my dream uni in Bandung. And another in Jogja. At that time, it seems like every aspect in my life blocked me for living and seeing different city other than Bekasi or Jakarta.

For highschool graduation, there were actually a chance for me to see Bali for the first time. But yet again, it wasn't my fate to see Bali. My mom forced me to not to go and just study instead. Another lost opportunity.

And then life shifted, redirecting me into animation school. Years go by, and suddenly every city that I dreamed on before, opened up to me...

The first time I finally gets to visit Bali was fresh out from college. I was really mesmerized by the beauty of this island. The beaches, the sea, the sun, the clear blue sky, the distinct aroma of incense that doesn't seems like to leave, burned in my mind. My stay was short, only a month, and I remember being really happy and so really sure that I will live and work there.

But, I didn't know back then, while it I really wanted it, the island hasn't accepted me yet. My time hasn't come. There are other path and cities that I have to live first, before this island beckoning me to come again.

I remember wondered briefly that I never visited East Java, then suddenly life throwed a chance for me to experience lived in Surabaya, even if its really short, but now I cherised the memory of Surabaya fondly.

Then after that, I moved out to Bandung for a good year. Braga remained my favourite spot until today, I loved visiting a small coffeeshop corner there, Little Langkah. And in the morning, there are a small bubur seller there. Not too mention a cute hotel/guest house in walking distance there.

And from there, I had the chance to live in Tangerang, seeing BSD city, a place that I only heard from news or articles in passing, but it become my home for a year and so.

After two years, Bali has finally given me the opportunity to reroot my life here. The whole experience has been truly extraordinary. Who could have guessed that I, someone who never got the chance to spend holidays or vacations at Indonesia's most popular spots, would not only get to stay for a while but actually live and work here?

It was unbelieveable, and certainly I did not even dare of dreaming it.

As I drove myself to work in Seminyak this morning, I couldn’t help but compare it to my younger self, who could only hear about Kuta, Sanur, and Uluwatu from friends returning from vacation, unable to even imagine what it would feel like to be there.

And now, I get to visit those spots on any given weekend! How unbelievable is that?

All of this, everything, boils down to one thing: nothing is impossible.

If someone like me, as I’ve repeatedly mentioned in this entry, who once thought Bali was so unattainable, can now not only visit but actually live here, then truly, every dream I’ve had and wished for has a chance to come true in the future. Nothing is trully impossible!

So, after processing these thoughts, I know that I'll be okay, no matter what hardships I currently have. As long as keep dreaming and have goals, one by one, every wish will come true.

Maybe not in the way I imagined it, maybe not as immediate as I want, but it will be made reality nonetheless.

I think it's very amazing that almost everything that I've wanted, handed to me eventually.

All these realization comes down to this:

If there's something I've been dreaming of for a long time but haven't yet achieved, it's because I haven't taken the necessary steps toward it. It's not because God or the universe has decided I don't deserve the blessing, but because I, myself, haven't made the move to pursue it.

So, if you read until this part, be sure that your own dream, however impossible it might be, can be manifested as well someday. You just have to move, and the path will open by itself, not the other way around.

Until next time, Z

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Thoughts Dump #1

Basically thinking and reflecting about how me and husband connected, my version of red string theory, and how every meeting that happened during your life are no coincidence, and then also reflecting on my family dynamic and trauma shaped me how I give love and receive love.

My husband and I, we weren't immediately knew that we were soulmate when we first met. In fact, we barely noticed each other. He had a girlfriend, while I was busy trying to chase my situationship.

I knew he got handsome face, though I had just realizing that upon stumbled into him in rare occasion where he finally take a bath and choose to wear decent outfit. (Sorry, baby.) In present days, in our very comy bed and under dimmed orange light right before fell asleep, we often wondered together, how is it possible that two people who ignored each other throughout their college years ended up getting married and anchoring the whole world to one another? After lots of pondering to really reflect on our history, I guess that time is the key of it all. The 'us' back then, they doesn't makes sense being together. None at all. The 2017-2019 Zetta is so different than 2021 Zetta. If I am unstable at 20's, then it's a hell lot worse in my teenage years. And him, he got his own issues as well as teenage boy going into early adulthood.

Post collages days, we weren't really keeping in contact after graduation, except still following each other on Instagram, which doesn't exactly count either.

The funny thing is, during that period, I did find myself wondered about him ocassionally. He was kind of live in my mind rent free. Sometimes I asked my boyfriend at that time if he still keep in touch with my then-husband, because I knew we all befriended each other either on Steam of Discord, so there's big possibility that they gaming-buddy ocassionally. But the answer was not really. Turn out they also had falling out after graduate, and he doesn't played the same game with my ex.

I wasn't exactly giving attention to him that time, but I admit that there's small space on the back of my mind, wondering what is he been up to these days. There's wondering action going on, but I never gotten around trying to find out. Now, I am going to be open on my feelings and my love history after this part, so please reader (if anyone actually reading this) judge after the end of the read.

So I had several people that I maybe dating or seeing, but not really together. And to give you all more context, I only had 1 ex, and 2 of painfully unrequited crush, which also contributed and shaped me greatly.

Before my husband, I dated my ex for almost 3 years or to be exact, 2 years plus 10 months, just 2 months away from our anniversary. Let's call him Y. I dated him 6 months after ending a year of situationship. Looking back, it was so unwise of me. Now, I wasn't sure if I had been actually in love with him, or anyone ever. Because no matter how strong my feelings was, all of it are paler compared to how I feel towards my husband.

During those years dating Y, I was mostly away in different city, so majority of it spent on long distance. Maybe it's the distance that dulled the relationship overtime, but honestly? Big possibility I did only wanting to fill the void. He is kind, he always respect me and worship me. We never fight for more than just a day, I never cried or crossed me in any way. But there's a huge room in my heart that he can't couldn't enter or understand, no matter how desperately I want to let him in. I denied it, but actually, we really on different path. We want and view the world in such different way and way too apart from each other, also add on how we don't have the strong foundation to build bridge to met and in the middle. To this day I wasn't sure if he even realized all those things above, or he realized it but still wanting me anyway and I was too selfish to tolerate the gaping canyon between us.

He was kind, but he wasn't the one I wanted. I had to downplay my personality a lot around him and overtime, it was part on why whatever feelings I had, couldn't thrive further and died.

So, after almost 3 years, I had to put everything to end. Of course, being me, I planned on what exactly how I'll say it to him, when and how. I even had the date set! But here's when it got weird: one morning I woke up, and felt a really strong weird urge to tell him like today. It must happen today! That day. Cannot be delayed. My instinct screamed at me and I am not the type to question that, so I text him goodbye. (Now I am thinking, maybe I should have called him instead of breaking up via text.)

It's done and done, we said our goodbye. He received it calmly, and kind of like he already expected it.

Two days after that event, my husband, out of nowhere after being in no contact for 2 years, he DM me on Instagram.

That's my version of red string theory.

What exactly he messaged me for? Turn out he sent me and old picture from college days of my ex. I said, funny you did that. I just broke up, like 2 days ago!

It's really funny coincidental. He apologized, he said he didn't know about that. Of course he didn't know.

From simple message, the conversation between us flowing. I found out he lives in Bali now, working at animation studio that I was trying to get in myself but failed. That his girlfriend during college is also already an ex, and he actually had another girlfriend after that but also broke up.

At that time, he seemed distressed, and I asked him why. He opens up, about everything. Things that later I know, even that his friends or siblings doesn't know! We talked for 12 hours, and more if you count the total the next day and the next! We didn't run out of things to talk. We argued, we exchanged jokes and secrets, we laid our hearts bare in a way that we've never experienced before. And more importantly, none of us could ignore the weird strong pull between our hearts, despite of there are 1,300 kilometers stretched between us, from Bandung to Denpasar.

The chemistry is insane. We find we shared common principals and moral basis, and I find everything I hate about men doesn't exist on him. This all happens in 2 weeks in total. 1 week in, we are sure that we like each other, and when week 2 comes, he asked me to be his lover, and I said yes.

Am I bad person for having a new lover in span of 2 weeks after broke up with someone else? Sue me!

Me and him can't resist to fall in love with each other. What amazed me was also our great chemistry also present in every aspects, even to physical. I remember being still in disbelief at what universe thrown at me, how could someone I ignore at college years later being the one I love now?

As a giddy new loverbirds, we planned to met. Ramadan coming up soon and he wanted to meet me before. We did, we had our first date in Bandung, exploring Dago and Braga together, and it become precious memory now.

He said early in the relationship that he is sure that I'm the one and he wants to marry me after a year. I only laughed back then, and said, "Let's see how we do next year."

During relationship, of course not all rainbows and glitter. We had our bad fights and arguments, expectations failed, lots of forgiving given from each other. He made me cry for many, many times. And I made him angry for the same amount. There are also more than one event that I was sure, we are not going to last.

But he persist. We persist. We managed to get through everything together.

From my experience, trauma and family dynamic, even though we had great start, relationship between 2 people is still a challenge.

I have a whole lots of personal growth since being with him.

The first year, I was being overly clingy, nervously attached to him and can't go on with my day without connected with him all the time. Lots of frequent text, video calls. Not to mentions, I fought with my family a lot. It was all very rocky, and somehow he keeps loving me unconditionally. What really helped me heal was the freedom of being myself, without judgement.

He has seen my ugly, my cries, my break downs, my worst and evil self, have met the verocious beast that resided in me, and yet, keeps loving me fiercely yet soft.

The way he loves me, can be depicted in that song.

Later, he admitted. Right before that fateful day when we accidently reconnected, he prayed.

He prayed for God to guide him to someone special, and he will close doors in his heart to make that person is the last love until the end of days. He prayed that the next person he fall in love with, will be his soulmate.

And the prayed he uttered that day, God heard and granted.

Every lovers we had before meeting each other, all of them are part of the grand plan. We wouldn't be this person without it. We wouldn't be this right to each other wtihout experiencing those first.

Time, is really the key of us happens.

We discussed the what-ifs. What if we know earlier? We could have enjoy college together as couple. The idea might be fun, but we were such a different person back then, we wouldn't be right for each other like now. The timing, the nothing is coincidental, everything happens for a reason, the red string theory, are real (at least) for me.

Like that song, it felt like thousand years, of me waiting, not really knowing what am I waiting exactly for. But he is at the end of the path, my great love, just there. Our love for each other is the turning page, for the better and greater.

I really hope everyone that reads this until the end, gets to experience the same great love as me.

With love, Z.

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Dungeon Meshi’s Lady Monsters

10x10cm

watercolour

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ramune 🫧

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— Khalil Gibran

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HERE WITH ME // Molly Mendoza

Sumi ink, gouache, gel pen on 7x10” Arches

For solo show at Nucleus House 1/10/25

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2025 is the year to get around to it. rub some dirt in the gaping wound of your heart and bare your teeth to your own life

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100 questions to talk about on the late night train at 11:04 pm (can also function as an ask list)

(second edition of this post)

1. What do you crave in a psychological sense? Intimacy, passion, purpose, belonging, social interaction, etc.?

2. What kind of emotions do the stars evoke for you, if any? The ocean, the sky, the moon?

3. Are you pretending to be something you’re not?

4. Who’s the most important person in your life right now? Why?

5. Do you see your parents in your appearance or behaviour? Are they favourable traits?

6. If you have siblings, are you similar to them, and in what ways? If you don’t, do you think growing up with siblings would have changed your personality in any way?

7. Would you cannibalise a dead body in a life-or-death scenario? Does your answer change depending on whether they’re a loved one or not?

8. In reverse, would you give permission for someone to eat you if they would die otherwise?

9. Do you know a lot about politics? Do you think it’s important to be educated on them?

10. What are your feelings on cheating in relationships? Have you ever done it, has anyone ever cheated on you?

11. Do you think you have a particularly unique view on life?

12. What’s your most controversial opinion? Would you state it publicly? What’s the most controversial opinion that you would publicly support, if it’s different?

13. Do you have trust issues?

14. What are you worried about right now, if anything?

15. Is there a song, book, movie, or other piece of media that has drastically altered your life? What was it, are there multiple?

16. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?

17. What’s the most interesting coincidence you’ve had happen to you (or someone you know)?

18. You’re offered a one-way ticket to any place and time in history you want. You cannot return. You can’t exist at the same time as your current self. You won’t carry any diseases, nor will you be infected by others, you have enough money to survive (if relevant). You can speak the local language(s). You still look like yourself and have all your memories. Do you take this offer? Why or why not? Where do you go? What do you do? Does your answer change depending on whether you can alter the future or not?

19. In general, is there any historical event you desperately want to witness?

20. Do you think about your past or future more?

21. What’s the luckiest you’ve ever been?

22. Do you want children? Why or why not?

23. What would you never admit to in real life?

24. Does your name suit you? Do you think you “look” like your name?

25. A classic - would you rather know the date of your death or the way you die? Would you rather know when you die or when your closest loved one dies?

26. Is marriage an important institution for you? Do you want to get married? Why or why not?

27. Do you think you have a “moral compass” and where or who do you think you got it from? Or do you think of it as something inherent to yourself?

28. What has influenced your taste in music?

29. How do you want your body to be treated after your death?

30. If you don’t have tattoos, and had to get one, what would you get tattooed on you? Is getting tattooed a big deal to you? If you are tattooed, do you regret any?

31. Do you feel like you have a ‘purpose’? What is it, if so?

32. What’s a common thing that you think shouldn’t exist (if any)?

33. What are your predictions for the next few years? Or tomorrow, even?

34. Is there someone you would do absolutely anything for? How loyal are you to your friends and family in general?

35. What’s wrong with you? Physically, mentally, whatever comes to mind. What’s right about you? What are your best and worst traits?

36. Do you like looking at artwork?

37. What stereotypes do you fulfil, what ones you do break?

38. Who do you miss, if anyone?

39. What taboo do you think should be discussed more, if any? Alternatively, do you think a topic that isn’t taboo should be?

40. Would you sacrifice your life for a stranger? An acquaintance? A loved one?

41. Do you find it easy to ask for help?

42. Does affection come easily to you?

43. How do you express affection? How do you like to receive affection?

44. What’s your pettiest “dealbreaker” in a relationship or friendship?

45. Do you put any value in the idea of “virginity”? Do you think there’s a specific sexual act that makes someone no longer a virgin or is it more general sexual contact? Was/is losing your virginity a big deal to you?

46. Do you have a “right person, wrong time”?

47. Do you feel like you’re impacting the world around you?

48. What do you think of the idiom “blood is thicker than water”?

49. If you have a nickname, where did it come from? Did you choose it, did someone else, did it naturally form?

50. What qualities do you find charming?

51. What can make you dislike someone very quickly?

52. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of your life? Are you looking for meaning?

54. When were you the happiest in your life? The saddest? Why?

55. What reminds you of your childhood?

56. What (or who) do you daydream about?

57. Do you feel like you don’t belong in your social circles, or in this world in general? If so, why?

58. Do you regret a lot of your choices?

59. What’s something you can never tell your family?

60. What are you afraid of? What are your worst fears? Are you afraid of any of the following - the dark, fire, heights, being alone, people, spiders, snakes, blood, drowning, or death?

61. Are you a romantic person? Why?

62. What topic(s) have you drastically changed your opinion on?

63. Do you have a good relationship with your family? How would you describe your family in a single word? If your family is chosen, why or how did you choose them?

64. Do you feel like you know yourself very well?

65. When you look in the mirror, do you see yourself or your reflection? Do you make the distinction between those things?

66. If you are gay, did you struggle to accept your sexuality? Would you change it if you could?

67. What did you need to hear as a child?

68. What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

69. Do you struggle with emotional expression or regulation? Do you suppress your feelings?

70. What do you hope others think of you? How would you like to be perceived?

71. Tell me something you don’t like telling others.

72. Who did you last say “I love you” to? Who last said it to you?

73. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Would you change anything, looking back?

74. Do you believe in karma? Do you think someone can “deserve” bad things?

75. What is your favourite fairytale?

76. What do you label yourself as, if anything? What subcultures do you identify with, if any?

77. How long can you go without socialising?

78. Have you ever written a poem or song about someone? Or had someone write one about you? Do you hope to have either of those experiences in the future?

79. What stupid thing are you really insecure about?

80. What scars do you have, if any?

81. What’s the worst crime you think you’re capable of committing?

82. Do you get bored easily?

83. What’s your type? Otherwise, do you think you attract a certain a sort of person?

84. What do you think is waiting for you after death, if anything? Does the idea of dying upset you? Why? Can you imagine nothingness?

85. What memories would describe as your “core” ones?

86. What could you talk about for hours?

87. What do you wish people would stop asking you?

88. What’s an unusual but useful trait or talent you have?

89. Do you think of yourself as attractive?

90. What surname would you choose for yourself?

91. If I could only know one thing about you, what would be the most important thing?

92. Do you have any ghost stories? Or general encounters with the supernatural? Do you believe in ghosts?

93. What are two facts about yourself that are true, but seem contradictory? Or two beliefs you have that seem unlikely to exist together?

94. Who is the first person you tell good news to? Is is the same for bad news?

95. Where do you wish you had grown up? Do you think your childhood’s natural landscape had a role in the person you are today?

96. What is the worst thing about your favourite person and the best thing about your least favourite person?

97. What is a trivial hill that you are willing to die on?

98. What genre of film or literature do you think your life is? Comedy, romance, action, horror, etc.? Alternatively, if you were written into a fictional universe, what genre would you be best suited for?

99. Do you enjoy “slice of life” media?

100. What do you want an answer to?