marshieshappybattle-blog

[marshieshappybattle-blog]

So here I am again, starting a brand new blog to write down my thoughts. 

I am Marsh. I am a warrior. This is my battle.

Last 2 months was quite hard for me. Even up until today.

Just some weeks ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder -- a challenge that I am about to face. Sa totoo lang, sobrang hirap kumilos sa kung nasaan ako. Nakakatakot. “What if hindi nila ako maintindihan?” “What if may magsabi na nasa mindset ko lang ‘to?” Sa totoo lang, maraming nakakapag-trigger. 1st year high school pa lang ako, I cut my wrist almost everyday, scissors, cutters, razor, shards of glass -- name it, I use these things to hurt myself. I would wear hoodies even if it is really hot so that I can hide away my scars. High school pa lang, parati na akong nabubully kasi doon dumating ‘yung point na wala na ‘yung parents ko para sumubaybay. Probably I was used to the idea of them being always there for me. But when my mom was almost diagnosed with cancer, that’s the point na nagbago buhay. I stopped talking to people. Nakakatakot na parang lahat ng tao may iisiping masama sa akin. Hindi ko alam pero that time ganoon na talaga naiisip ko. Nahiwalay ko sa parents ko ng halos ilang buwan. Hindi nila ako binabalitaan sa condition ni mommy. And ‘yung mga pinsan ko, they wouldn’t give a damn. So yes. Isa lang ‘yun sa mga bagay na hanggang ngayon natatakot pa din ako kapag naalala ko.

I am stuck on a rut these days. I had a problem dealing with people. I am bullied at work also. Imagine an entire faculty talking behind your back. It crushes me. I can’t help but ask myself why. I also broke up with a girl whom I trusted the most. I was more than willing to out myself to my parents and introduce her to them, if only she gave ample time to fix things. But after 3 days, I just found out na may bago na siya kaagad. I no longer go to church where I served for 10 years. It’s burdensome for me. I’m having problems with my physical health. I am stuck in this odd labyrinth. I just want to end everything up.

But then again, I was catapulted back to the idea that this is indeed a battle I have to conquer. Kakayanin mo ‘to, Marsh. Have faith. Malalampasan mo din lahat.

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