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Find your Voice

I went back on track for the past 2 weeks with my back to being healthy journey. It was scary but challenging and I know with the right motivation and realistic goal setting, I will achieve it. The first week of watching the food that I eat and working out 5 times a week was painful, not the eating part but the physical pain. I was sore the whole time and feeling a bit under the weather, what got me through the week of being surrounded by sick people without being sick would be the fruits that I add to my daily diet. Whatever is available. I also started bringing my own food, on days that I don't have lunch box, I make sure to stay away from rice and processed food. My work out routine varied from dancing and high impact exercise. Thanks to youtube, I get to pick workouts that are fun and kept me sweating and breathing the whole time. All those efforts and yet I haven't done the first thing that every person should be doing when they want to get fit- weigh in to track my progress. Honestly, I was scared that I might not be where I need to be. Even if I didn't set a goal to begin with. On one Friday afternoon, I accompanied my boyfriend to the hospital for a check up and there he asked me to weigh in. He was shocked with how heavy I was. But me? I was shocked with what I lost so far. I lost 15 lbs for 2 weeks of diet and exercise! I was so pumped! But then, my bubble burst when he said, I should weigh 110lbs only. I was heartbroken. I felt like I was back to square one and thought hard about the next thing that I should eliminate in my diet. To the world's standard, I am overweight and no matter how much I lost, I still am. The progress isn't important. Only the end result. This is the reason why I never told anybody about my back to being healthy journey because my efforts will never be enough for other people. What I learned is that when you set a goal, you have to set your own standard and meet them. Satisfy yourself, not other people. Find your own voice and listen to it. Celebrate your progress but do not stay on it, learn from your mistakes and move on from it. Remember, it is your journey. You are the only one responsible for it.

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Be Still

“Ocean. I can, a little help.” *Storm approaching* “Please. Come on. Help me. Please!” *huge wave*

The next scene was Moana washed up on the shore and angrily confronted the ocean.

“Uhm what?! I said help me! and wrecking my boat, not helping. Fish peeing in you all day, so!”

This is one of my favorite scenes from the movie Moana.

There are times when we feel that nothing is going our way and God doesn’t seem to answer our prayer, instead another storm comes approaching and before we know it, we find ourselves washed up ashore of an unfamiliar island.

We often miss the message because we are too busy complaining and worrying because it’s not the answer we want.

For the nth time of watching this movie, I was reminded that storms are blessings in disguise. It’s because we’re programmed by the world to respond to the negative and prepare for the worst that God allows storms to pass by our lives so that He can make things new and beautiful again.

And sometimes it’s God’s way to remind me, us that our problems may be big but he is bigger than any mountain or storm we face.

So the next time you’re tempted to complain. Seek the Lord with all your heart aur you will find the answer that you need.

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Family

I thought I had my life well-planned out.

From the time I’d get my first house down to the time when I'Il have a child.

It all happened except for one. You came and stayed, a cherry on top.

Mornings became a sight Of two peacefully sleeping angels And tight, warm hugs.

Meals made our bond stronger Arguments added excitement Secrets are out in the open Trips engraved memories in the heart

And at night, when everything’s over We lay and cuddle together Torn between dreaming and reality.

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Drip Coffee You can experience whole, bold coffee flavor and aroma all over the kitchen! I prefer fine to medium ground flavored coffee like vanilla. :)

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About 3 years ago.

3 things while having coffee and reading random articles about What sets a good, quality leather apart from the synthetic ones- Character.

1. The bumpier and the thinner the line gaps are- means better quality. (Nothing can replace learning that comes from experience) 2. Different skins, different use. (Be creative, don’t settle for the norm but always know the basics) 3. You can conceal/repair a damaged leather but it can never look as good as it was. (Accept the things you can’t control such as failure but learn and grow from it)

Remember that the finest leathers (character) comes from a grueling process of selecting from the best skins, curing, buffing, polishing and careful execution.

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The spirit is strong but the body is weak.

I know that one day my daughter will no longer tail on me, bug and go clingy on me or would not need me as much as she does at this stage in her life. So believe me when I say that I sincerely want to enjoy every moment that she goes to me for everything. But my strength is torn between the weight of being a mom, a partner, work and household chores. Most of the time, the latter gets the best of me. I am in constant worry about never-ending bills and chores and I feel that I am in it alone. During the rarest of times when I am sick and I thought I could be excused with doing those things, I'm still not. The power naps that I thought I deserve or earned after a whole day of doing everything for everybody, I still don't. As a mom, I feel like I'm the only one adjusting and yet my efforts are never enough. My misses and shortcomings still defined me at the end of a very tiring day. I am not expecting a "thank you". This is a responsibility I genuinely do out of love. Sometimes, I just hope to get same respect when I need to rest or sleep, the very same respect that I give anyone who is resting. Moments like these when my body is just too tired and I can no longer gather enough strength to control my eyes from tearing up. So God help me. I need more strength because my body can only do so much and lately, I'm reaching the edge of my limit. I feel like a bomb waiting to blow any day if I don't listen to what it says. One of the reasons why I want another child. So that one day, when Zoe has her own family and she needs a breather, she will have a sister or brother who will support her, take her out for coffee and spoil her or simply watch cheesy stuff with her the way my sister does to me. Although it would be better if she gets a husband who can be as supportive and caring to her like a sibling would.

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Nostalgia

A friend reminded me of the time when all I do was write. About absolutely everything. And read about absolutely everything, from every walks of life. Now I'm left wondering what happened to me? Writing used to be all I wanted to do and I couldn't care less about what people would think about me upon reading what I wrote. I read somewhere that between you and being stuck is an excuse. I guess I was making an excuse for quite sometime and become too comfortable with it. It became a blanket that kept me warm through the cold nights. Who doesn't want to be kept warm? I once had this fire inside my heart that kept my passion to explore and write but instead I chose to stay where I was and now my heart has turned into a long period of winter in a country where such season does not even exist. But I know somewhere deep down is still the Mary that I was and just like everything else that I've done after I turned my back on writing, I know I can go back with a little bit of patience and inspiration drawn everywhere. Let's see.

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Hindi madaling magmahal ng tulad ko

Madali akong makalimot, Walang matamis o mapait na alaalang Hindi ko kayang burahin. Walang masaya o malungkot na pangyayaring hindi mawawala sa paningin. Madali kong malimot ang mga petsa, okasyon, taon ng kapanganakan, password. Pati nga regalong pinagisipan. Madali kong malilimot Pag hindi laging pinapaaalala Hindi lang sa isip ngunit pati na rin sa puso ko. Kung ano ang papel mo sa buhay ko. Masasaktan ka tuwing may magtatanong kung anong brand ng bag yung regalo mo dahil magkakamali ako. Masasaktan ka dahil sa pagkalimot ko, walang emosyon kang makikita sa mga mata ko, walang tamis ang mga halik ko, walang init ang paghaplos ko. Masasaktan ka lang dahil parang mannequin ang katabi mo at ni hindi ko masambit ang pangalan mo o masagot ang tanong mo na "mahal mo pa ba ako." Mahirap mahalin ang katulad ko. Pero pag nakuha mo ang puso ko, hindi mo pagsisisihan ang bawat araw sa piling ko.

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Tula Serye: 5

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2012

Salamin

Natigilan ka’t napatitig sa harap ng salamin Hinahagilap ang mukha sa paningin Ngunit wala ang pamilyar na ngiting Ngayo'y nagmitulang masamang pangitain.

Pisnging daluyan ng luha at guhit ng pighati Matang naninikis, nangaakit, naguusig Mga labing misteryo ang bawat pag ngiti Wari ba'y nakakubli ang isang laksang lihim.

Hinahanap ang bakas manlang ng alaala Na minsan kang nakapagpasaya Hindi mo na rin makita Ang repleksyon ng pangungulila

Mary Edeza De Leon

March 3, 2012

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WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2011

Hiatus p>

I flee, I ran. Catch me if you can. I hid, on trance slept beneath the frozen land. I ate, enough to sustain me all throughout the span. When I come backas a new being stripped of dead skin and memory You won’t recognize me and I won’t remember you.

July 6, 2011Posted by

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FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2010

Pagsapit ng Hatinggabi

Mary Edeza De Leon

Disyembre 10, 2010

Sabay ng paglipat

Sa pahina ng kalendaryo,

Sabay ng pagalpas

Ng nakapiit na kahapon,

Hinarap ko ang bukas

At inalis ang pangambang hatid

Ng nakaambang ngayon.

Sa pagsapit ng madaling- araw,

Sapat nang babala

Ang paggising at pagtilaok

Ng naalimpungatang tandang

Upang tuluyang gisingin

Ang natutulog kong diwa

Nag hudyat ang umaga

Na sumiwang sa nakaawang na bintana

Inalis ang agiw sa mga mata,

Naginat upang alisin

Ang ngalay ng gabing nagdaang

Ramdam pa sa higaan.

Sumapit ang tanghali paglaon

Ramdam ang hapding hatid

Ng tirik na araw

Na dumidila sa balat

Na tigib sa init,

At di namalayang

Paparating na ang gabi

Sa pagsilip ng buwan

Na naghihintay ng kasagutan.

Sumapit na muli ang hatinggabi

Ang kahapong pilit kinalilimuta’y ngayon,

A ng bukas ay ngayon

At ang ngayon ay isa ng kahapon.

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TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2010

Dust

Mary Edeza De Leon

November 6, 2010

The dust is playing

With the wind again

Catching my eyes

Begging for rain

It’s drought in the land

We fought with blood

And ploughed with sweat

But we couldn’t stop

The rain from leaving

The water we stacked in barrels

As we waited for this to happen

Are now half empty

Candles are melting slowly

And the dust is playing

With the wind again

Catching my eyes

Begging for rain

I hope they will win.

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MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2010

Autumn

Mary Edeza De LeonOctober 11, 2010

Leaving now, living thenWe knew somehowthis will come to an end.With or withoutwe’re no longerenveloped with doubtlike a child anchoredinto its mother’s arm.

Time will comethat I might regretletting you off the net.All I know is thatI’ll remember you to bits.How you shy awaywhen I catch your eyes.How irritated you werewhenever someone triesto steal me away.How every staresends me to an elevated state…

I might regretletting you off the netbut I’ll never forgetevery touch, every kisshow its all rootedas if it was created,carved and fittedto my very soul.Untouched.Unified.Whole.

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Lupa

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 28, 2010

Kung ano ang itinanimay siya ring aanihin.Ngunit anong aanihinkung lupa'y di maaaring angkinin?Upang tamnan ng butongnamumunga ng prutassa takdang panahonat sa taglagasmasasaksihan ang paglagoat pagtubo ng bulaklakna magiging bunga paglaon.

Mayroon akong binhina naghahanap ng mapagtatamanNgunit lupa kang pagaari ng iba.Hindi lang sa titulokundi maging sa matang Diyos at taoKahit ihain mo ang sarili mo.

Walang punong tutubomamumunga at mabubuoPagkat lupa kangkailanma'y di maaaringtamnan at lagyan ng abono.Kahit ihain mo pa ang sarili mo.Posted by

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Kawal

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 28, 2010

Batid ko noong una pana natagpuan ko naang aking katapat.‘Sing lalim, 'sing babawumiilalim, umiibabaw.Saklaw at silaw ng kahinaanmo ako natagpuan.Sa panahong hindi ako umaasa,sa panahong di naghahanap.Hinayaan kitang taluninako sa duwelo.Pagkat batid ko ang kahinaan ko.Walang lugar kang hindi inarestosa loob at labas ng kaluluwa ko.Sumugod ka bagamatkawal kang walang bitbit na armas,kundi lakas ng loob,nanunuot na titigat nakapanghihinang halik.

Kilala na kita sa unang pagkikitaDapat iwasan, iwanan sa ilangpagkat ako ang mahihilaat maiiwang talunan.Posted by

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Tula Serye: 4

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2010

Lupa

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 28, 2010

Kung ano ang itinanimay siya ring aanihin.Ngunit anong aanihinkung lupa'y di maaaring angkinin?Upang tamnan ng butongnamumunga ng prutassa takdang panahonat sa taglagasmasasaksihan ang paglagoat pagtubo ng bulaklakna magiging bunga paglaon.

Mayroon akong binhina naghahanap ng mapagtatamanNgunit lupa kang pagaari ng iba.Hindi lang sa titulokundi maging sa matang Diyos at taoKahit ihain mo ang sarili mo.

Walang punong tutubomamumunga at mabubuoPagkat lupa kangkailanma'y di maaaringtamnan at lagyan ng abono.Kahit ihain mo pa ang sarili mo.Posted by

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Kawal

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 28, 2010

Batid ko noong una pana natagpuan ko naang aking katapat.'Sing lalim, 'sing babawumiilalim, umiibabaw.Saklaw at silaw ng kahinaanmo ako natagpuan.Sa panahong hindi ako umaasa,sa panahong di naghahanap.Hinayaan kitang taluninako sa duwelo.Pagkat batid ko ang kahinaan ko.Walang lugar kang hindi inarestosa loob at labas ng kaluluwa ko.Sumugod ka bagamatkawal kang walang bitbit na armas,kundi lakas ng loob,nanunuot na titigat nakapanghihinang halik.

Kilala na kita sa unang pagkikitaDapat iwasan, iwanan sa ilangpagkat ako ang mahihilaat maiiwang talunan.Posted by

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Cold Feet

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 23, 2010

Anxious to move forwardafraid to take a step backward, stuck.You held my sweaty handsas tightly and gently as you canLeaving an inchthat separates me to youAn inch that seems like a milewhen I closed my eyesand whispered goodbye.Posted by

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At the Mall

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 23, 2010

We sat at the cornerof the long-forgotten Mall.Staring at the blue skiesas it reflects on the tile floor.

I showed you a bookI was reading and let you reada poem that oddlybut perfectly describesthe moment we're in.

We laughed like we knewwhat's going on each other's minds.Then shook our headsto take us back to the present time.

Nobody spoke but the intercom,the woman bargaining for clothes,the kid screaming as he tries to catch the balland the aircon blowing all our warmth off.

You tried to catch my eyes for the answer

as the lady whispers on the intercom

Chasing it for a glimpse of hope and redemption

as the kid impatiently chases his ball

I stared back as blank and as cold as I can

as the aircon blows off our warmth

Until I couldn't .

I said stop,but my hand started to stroke you back- my favorite part.

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Awit

Mary Edeza De LeonSeptember 18, 2010

Sumasayaw ang alonat nagbabanta ang luhasa gilid ng iyong mga matana pilit mong tinitikom,pinipinid at ikinakahon.

Pigil ang pagalpasng bawat ampiyasng mabining ambonhabang nakatanghodsa araw na papalubog.

Hinuhuli ang daluyongng damdaming pumapaimbulongpinaaawit ng sonetonghindi para sa iyo- at hindi magiging iyo.

Sabay sa indayog ng alimuomang pusong latay ng pasa at galos.Pinapalaya sa musika ng paitang lahat mong lungkot at hinanakit.

Inaawit ang sonetonghindi para sa iyo,sonetong kailanma'y di magiging iyo.

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MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 2010

....

TrailMary De LeonAugust 23, 2010

I'm drawn into your gazeas I drown in your embracethat isn't existent.Malleable as it is intangible.Where would I get the courage?To escape the abyssof your presenceand succumb to the forcethat is pulling meout of this world,where neither time nor law existsno reason for me to resist.

My eyes crawlon the softness of your skin,as if it was my hand touching you.Following the trail of your moleslike a map to the endof my endless quest for amity,tranquility and maybe, love.

Hoping with every bit of hopethat if I could find my waythrough the maze of youI'll find- Me.Posted by

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...

Nocturnal

Mary De Leon

August 23, 2010

Here I am

Loving the night again

Wallowing in its infinite darkness

Never learning, always yearning.

It's where I find myself

Naked of truth,

Stripped of inhibitions

Immune of lies

Of which I didn't mind

And eager to be part of

The shadow-free night

Where I don't have to hide,

I need not to fright.

The touch of your

Callous hands is enough

To blow away all the worries

Brought by the day

And the truth that lies

Behind the locking of eyes

Tomorrow we'll hide and so on

Until the evening comes

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Tula Serye: 3

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010

Archive

Mountain

Mary De Leon

21 March 2010

I’m your mountain, not your home

Your escape to this wild world

A diversion along the road

Every hike, every climb

Leads you to a pleasure

As high as the sky

You’ve explored every possible trail

Conquered the most difficult trek

With pride you never felt with anything else

You love every detail of me;

The fresh air you can’t have in the city,

The breath-taking scenery,

The trees that protects you from the sun,

The river that quench your thirst,

The fog that blinds you,

The rock that trips your feet

And even the dust that enters your eyes.

But the beauty you see

And the peace you feel

Isn't the reality

Because tomorrow you’ll come back

To your usual self,

Doing your usual chores,

Living your usual life- without me.

Though you can’t get enough of me

We knew, this is nothing but temporary.

Black hole

Mary De Leon

22/03/2010

Accelerate as you infiltrate

And devour my whole being.

Don’t hesitate, insinuate

To this convulsive feeling

You’re something, the one thing

I won’t regret.

You’re pulling me into something

I dare not control

I wouldn’t want to know.

And I don’t care if I’m not sure

What lies ahead

In the eternity of you and me.

The world falls apart

Right before our eyes

And the light that I see

In this tiny fissure

Of you and me

Makes me want to believe

There’s something in store for us.

And that in the eternity of you and me

We are free.

Stay

Mary De Leon

22/03/2010

I stopped loving you

Even before you started loving me.

I started loving you

When you stopped loving me.

We have been on this road

Of uncertainty before

And yet you stayed.

Why did you stay?

I left you even before

You thought of staying with me.

I stayed with you

When you started to leave me.

We’re on the same road again,

With the same look on our faces

Anger, sad and tired facet.

Then again you stayed.

Why did you stay?

For the first time you asked me back,

You stayed. Why did you stay?

I touched your face, looked intensely

On your tired eyes and gently

Tucked your hair behind your ears

I couldn't reply but I know

Why I stayed before I thought

I could stay.

Come

Mary De Leon

23032010

I’ve heard enough, no need to fret

No need to fight, we’re in this together

If you let me, will you let me?

What’s troubling you?

I want to know,

I want to mend every bit

Of pain that paralyzes you.

The empty bin of promises

Is waiting for you to make another one

No need to worry, no need to cry

We’ll fly away together

If you trust me, will you trust me?

Our love will cover and carry it all

Believe, just believe.

No matter what the world tells you,

I’m here, I will always be here.

And even if we don’t see

We’ll dive together

To the unseen, dark seafloor

If you’ll be with me

Will you be with me?

Scars

Mary De Leon

23/03/2010

Hibernation is what you seek

That’s why you’re hiding

For more than a week

I can’t recall what we did wrong

I don’t see why we need

A break from it all

Coz if you need to breathe

I’ll spare a breath for you

And if you need a little space

I’ll clear it all for you

You see there’s nothing

That I wouldn’t do

No need to hide now

No winter can come between us now

Tell me what can I do to keep you

I’m not gonna promise you the stars

But I can help you cover up the scars

We’ll forget it all. We’ll live long.

Timepiece

Mary De Leon

25/03/2010

Under time, a minute feels like

Forever in your arms

60 seconds of pure bliss and highs

I almost forgot who I was

You’ve reached the island of my soul

No one has come that close before

You made me lose all control

You’ve hit me right into the core

You said let’s make the most out of

Every millisecond that we have

You don’t ask, what you can’t give

We know this will end

Though I don’t see the end

Sometime soon, I’ll see you at noon.

We’ll make our own history

Exploration of love

In all of its ferocity

We won’t conform

To the pattern of this world

I’ll meet you somewhere, sometime.

Within a minute of your spare time

Anonymous

Mary De Leon

06/04/2010

Name me,

I no longer want to be

Anonymous

And yet to be discovered

Name it,

It doesn’t have to be scientific

Just be specific.

Name us.

I don’t care how

But please name us.

What are we if we’re not we?

A special kind of species

In this animal kingdom?

An exceptional type of fauna

Or an exotic flora?

Solve my dilemma

What are we if we're not we?

Tell me.

Reroute

Mary De Leon

06/04/2010

No more hesitation

I’m heading to a new direction

Away from the pull of your gravity

No more you and me.

No matter how hard

We try to fight the battle

We’re never gonna win.

We lost even before it begins.

Let bygones be gone.

No looking back

No turning back

I’m leaving the plateau

And if I’ll see you

So I’ll see you.

Hide and seek

Mary De Leon

08/04/2010

Shoe gazing,

Nobody’s moving

We kept on looking

For a blind spot

Amongst the curious eyes

That watches us

Not realizing

That you are my safe place

And I am yours

So why look elsewhere?

I am yours.

Ventilate

Mary De Leon

06/04/2010

I grasped for every air

I could fill my lungs with

I'll hold my breath

If only to keep you in

For a bit longer

And make you stay

I know it is prolonging

Both our agony

But I can’t let you go easily

Should I let this oxygen out?

If I do will it ever come back?

I never felt so happy

While suffocating

But I have to let you go slowly

So I can breathe easy.

Release

Mary De Leon

10/04/2010

I’m giving back what I haven’t taken

And taking back what I haven’t given

I’ll be content, don’t worry

I won’t ask for anything

I’ll walk away while I can,

I’ll look into your eyes no more

Coz I know it will again

Take me to a place

Where only you and I exist

I’ll let go of your hand now

I won’t say anything

I have let myself stray for too long

And we both know it’s wrong

It’s long overdue

So I’ll let you go now

Unite

Mary De Leon

10/04/2010

We’re awake when everyone is sleeping

Talking, laughing and whispering

To each other

That night I was captured

And my rational mind

Doesn’t seem to function

Beyond reason and condition

I welcomed you without question.

Trying to make every second longer

We’re gonna make it until quarter

Arms tangled as we try

To fight the coldness of the night

Our lips pressed by tender kisses.

I couldn’t deny how you infiltrate

Through me, I couldn’t fathom

What I’m feeling and what you made me.

I couldn’t sleep but I couldn’t care less

Fire

Mary De Leon

10/04/2010

I remember how it felt to be

Under your spell

How everything disappears

Whenever our eyes communicate

I never felt so care free

Knowing I’m underneath

A blanket of insecurity

Covering all uncertainty

I was frozen and I couldn’t think

I feel so strong yet I couldn’t resist.

You are my fire place

I can go near to,

Stay for as long as I want to,

Wrap you around me

Without the fear of getting burned

Now I can be the moth

And you be the fire

I won’t argue

It’s enough that I have you.

Replay

Mary De Leon

12/04/2010

In the deepest part of me, you rest

A memory I will never erase

Like everybody else

I will replay on a phonograph

Like a broken record

That skips and delays

Whenever I miss you

Or when something reminds me of you

You’ll remain as tangible and reachable

Like the first time I saw you

Though I couldn’t see you

Beautiful memories we created

None of it I will regret

A rerun of season

As I see you go on.

Drift

Mary De Leon

12/04/2010

Head first, as we dive into the cliff.

Free fall, while we succumb

To the current of the wind

Take me wherever you want

No need to ask twice

I’ll go with you

Keeping up with the changes

What will I do without you?

Stay for as long as you like.

You said I can do to you

Whatever I want

What’s not to like?

When everything is gone

You said you’ll always be there

We know not always

But it’s sweet of you to say

Hands free, I can’t imagine life

Without you holding me

Sugar free, you are the best alternative.

Distance

Mary De Leon

11/04/2010

Every inch away from you

Rips my heart apart

My every nerve wants

To be back on your arms.

I miss your warmth

Without having to touch

My skin yearns for you.

My eyes waiting to meet

Your intense gaze

I let you into my realm

Discover the empty rooms inside

I’ll let you fill it with desire

Let go of all inhibitions and doubt

Just one time and it will be enough

One more touch and I’ll be whole again

If you were here

Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

1:25 AM

[maryandomthots-blog]

Tula Serye: 2

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2009

Tap

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

October 4, 2009

She’s at one with the wind

As she dances on its rhythm

Wearing her velvet ballet shoes.

Whipping and cutting the mist

With her dainty hands,

Blowing and whispering

Songs from her fragile heart

She closes her eyes

Letting her spirit flow,

Out of her ears,

Out of her eyes and mouth.

She never thought of

Resisting the force,

That spins her willing body

Around and fast.

Neither did she felt dizzy,

Only free.

The sound of the wind

And the yielding, submissive

Motion of her hair

Is enough to take her,

To a world far away.

Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

5:47 AM

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2009

Para

Gusto kong tumula ng hindi ginagamit ang salitang galit, pagkamuhi o kung ano ano pang salitang may kaparehong kahulugan, kaya nagbabasa ako upang makahanap ng ipapalit na analogy o symbol para itula ang mga salitang ayaw kong sabihin pero dapat kong pakawalan.Marami. Maraming marami akong gustong sabihin kay dapat dagdagan ko pa ang pagbabasa at pananaliksik upang mabigyan ko ng buhay ang mga nagmumultong salita na namamahay sa babasagin kong dibdib at diwa.Marahan. Unti-unti kong ilalabas at palalayain ang diwatang sa loob ng katauhan ko. Dahil kagaya ng ibang manunulat na narating na ang rurok ng kaligayahan sa piling ng tula ay ninanais ko rin yung maranasan.Wala man akong masyadong karanasan katulad ng sa kanila, malaki ang pasasalamat ko na walang pagdadamot nilang ibinabahagi ang karanasang hindi magtatagal ay magiging karanasan ko na rin. Hindi magtatagal, makakasabay ko rin sila sa paglalakad sa parehong kalsadang kanilang nilalakaran. At pinapangarap kong makapalitan din sila ng mga kuro-kuro, makakwentuhan tungkol sa buhay-buhay at matuto mula sa kanilang karanasan bilang nanay, ate, tita, lola, makata, babae at tao.Dahil naaaliw ako sa pagiging dynamiko ng mga babae. Kasing ganda ng hubog ng kanilang katawan at kasing misteryosa ng kanilang mga tingin ang tulang kanilang nagagawa. Punong-puno ng damdamin, punong-puno ng pagmamahal, punong-puno ng pagiging babae.Palagi kong maiisip ang mga salita ni Rebecca Anonuevo sa mga mapaglimi niyang tula , "walang pagtatakwil sa pinagtutukuyan o pagkapahiya o paghingi ng paumanhin"Isa lamang siya sa maraming babaeng manunulat at makata na aking hinahangaan at hinuhugutan ng lakas at inspirasyon. Dahil sabi nga ni Ruth Elynia Mabanglo, mahirap maging babae sa panahon ngayon.Nakakatuwa rin na unti-unti ng nagbubukas ang pintuan ng panitikan para sa mga kababaihan. Mapalad ako na hindi ko naranasan ang rebolusyon noong unang panahon o ang Martial Law. Pero alam ko na mas malaking rebolusyon ang kinakaharap ko, dahil marami pa akong kailangang kalabanin na pagaalinlangan, takot at kawalang tiwala sa sarili. Marami pang piraso ng aking sarili ang nagtatalo sa sarili nitong bahagi, kalat-kalat at kailangan kong pulutin at pagdikit dikitin.Gayunpaman, hindi ako nawawalan ng pagasa na mahahanap kong muli ang pintuang minsan kong tinalikuran, ikinandado at hanapin ang susing itinapon. Matatagpuan ko rin ang lagusan patungo sa mundong pilit kong kinalimutan na ni minsan hindi ako nilimot.Kung paano kong natagpuan ito noon, ganun o sa mas kakaiba at mas malikhaing paraan ko ito matatagpuan ngayon. Dahil wala ng mas sasakit pa sa panghihinayang na hindi ko manlang nasubukang balikan ang pagsusulat dahil sa kahihiyang wala naman silang pakialam. Dahil sa pagkakamaling hindi ko manlang sinubukang maitama. Kung saan ako huhugot ng lakas ng loob, ako na ang bahala dun basta babalik ako, sa ayaw at sa gusto ko.Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

6:18 AM

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2009

X

Scene

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 22, 2009

Was it my languid sight

that tricks my eyes

as it seemed like

you were following my path

Was it fate that intervened

when I rode the jeepney

and found you there

waiting, staring, searching.

Lurred in surprise and disbelief

how you were just behind me

and now you are here

how can that be

Wrinkled forehead

off the top of my head.

Questions tarry, trapped

in my dehydrated mouth.

But we never crossed that line

that invisible fine line

that separates our will and want

detaching us from dream and life.

With our eyes locked, soul intertwined

We vacate the vehicle

held in hand, fate and faith

that drew us together and apart

will take us back to each others arm.Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

3:41 AM

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poetry

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2009

Clot

Ambahan ng Paglisan

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 20, 2009

Lugar na 'yong tinungo

tila napakalayo,

nabusog iyong mata

nabigla sa nakita.

At ako na naiwan

Sa silid na nilisan

ay nagmistulang baliw,

ano ang magaaliw?

Ang pagyakap sa dingding

o paghalik sa sahig?

Wala na nga ang bakas

ng "pagibig mong wagas",

tangay ng mga alon,

hindi na nakaahon.

Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

2:29 AM

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ambahan

,

poetry

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2009

Muse

Maningning

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 19, 2009

There’s no such thing as accidents.

Those are incidents that happen for a reason.

It’s an answer to the questions

That constantly haunts and hunts us.

An answer we could never find

Because it finds us first,

It always does.

It was not by accident

That I found Maningning Miclat,

Or so I thought,

At the Anvil Publishing booth,

For I didn’t look for her-

She found me.

She recognized me from afar,

Followed the trail of my scent,

Cologne and sweat mixed.

She waited for me to go back

Take her out of that box

And put her into my heart’s art.

It took me two rounds

At SMX to finally respond

To her enchanting,

Whispering, longing, voice

And she was right.

So I dived into her very soul,

Laughed and cried

For a reason I would never know.

If I had a pen & paper

At the very time

When she pursued my pulse,

I would write and never stopped

As I did at the poor keypad,

In the bus

Stuck in the traffic

Haunted by her

It’s the kind of haunting

I would surely love,

The kind of haunting I would

Take to bed at night

Earnestly wishing it’ll be there

When I woke upPosted by

Mary De Leon

at

4:39 AM

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poetry

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2009

Fluid thoughts

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 11, 2009

Water.

Water to boil.

Water to freeze.

It stays the same

even if turned

a hundred eighty degrees.

Rain water.

Free falling water.

Water falls.

Sea water.

Water from the well.

Tap water.

Sprung up from the ground,

returning again.

Never ending cycle.

Peaceful, calm,

serene, scary,

troubled, flowing water.

Quench, satisfy, drown.

Coffee, tea, iced.Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

2:45 AM

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poetry

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2009

Blackhole

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 2, 2009

The stars bejeweled the sky

like scattered broken crystals.

Beneath the sheet of this

untouched beauty

lies my heart.

Lost in the constellations of you.

Outshined by millions of stars

but handpicked by you.

I don't know what lead me to you,

must be the force that pulls me

right at the center of you.

It was something stronger than gravity,

more magical than serendipity.

It was only you,

that hole in you I see.

Where I fit.

Where I belong.

Too late when I realized

you are a blackhole.

I awoke in infinite deep sleep,

helpless. Then I saw,

you're pulling everyone else

not just me.Posted by

Mary De Leon

at

1:51 AM

[maryandomthots-blog]

Tula Serye: 1

Moon

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 2, 2009

My sleepless nights belong to you

and only for you.

A vow of tirelessly

and never ending

adoration of your beauty.

My bed, pillows, blanket

and this longing room

are witnesses of this promise.

That as long as my insomnia attacks.

Till every whisper, move

and caress of the wind

that keeps me company fades.

Till the thunder grows tired

of breaking the velvet sky.

Till the morning swallow

your calming shadow.

Only to dominate the sky

again at night.

You my moon

will always and forever be

my lamp, muse and friend.Posted by

Mary De Leon at 1:44 AM

Only

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 2, 2009

I hear the drumbeats of my heart,

only my heart.

The clouds and sun disappear,

no wind, no air

but still I can breathe.

As the trees, flowers and birds

starts to fade like a watercolor painting

splashed with water.

Only you, although I don't know you

keeps me going.

I'm waiting for you

to fill up my world

with clouds, sun, rain,

trees and flowers

that we'll create.

Only you, although I don't know you

will I wait.

On riverbanks till they too

will dry up.

On streams till they too

will give up.

Only you, although I don't know you

Will I wait.

Posted by Mary De Leon at 1:33 AM

PRETTY FACE

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

September 2, 2009

Spoon fed. Fork Fed. Knife fed.

I'm fed up with you.

You're nothing but a face.

Indeed a pretty face

aside from that

you're nothing else.

No air. No space.

It doesn't matter.

Coz you're just a face

You and your face

and nothing else.

No brain. No heart.

Just a face.

You and your pretty face

and nothing else.

No guts. No bone.

Just a face.

You and your pretty face

and nothing else.

If you lose your face

you're nothing,

because you're just a face.

You and your pretty face

and nothing else.

I'm dying to see time

fade your face away.

You and your pretty face

and nothing else.

Posted by Mary De Leon at 1:07 AM

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 2009

Illusion

Lucid Dream

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

August 22, 2009

I dreamed of having someone

with the same brain wave length as mine or longer

though I wasn't sure if that's even possible.

Someone who's nice, patient

and willing to give way

though I haven't encountered one.

Someone who can bear

my unbearable mood swings,

Crazy dance, tricky tactics,

constructive criticism

and face me, head to head,

toe to toe, hand tied.

though I know they're rare kind.

Someone with a prominent backbone,

integrity and muscled body as a bonus,

values other people

without neglecting himself,

kicks a pot, never his wife,

a hand that helps and support

not scare and scold,

possible though I don't know anyone.

Someone with a brain and humor

that can make me laugh till I fart

but knows how to handle

serious, deep conversations.

I know one person.

Then he started walking up to me

and his frame starts engulfing me

alive, whole, breathing...

There are two,

then there was one.

His face wasn't clear

as it lit up, reflecting what he feels.

I swam through his whole being

and I found nothing but flesh

fresh, warm flesh

and all I could hear

was his heartbeat.

Mine was lost,

lost in his heart's rhythm.

As his hand touched my face

I felt something strange.

He was about to say something

when I woke up from a dream.Posted by

Mary De Leon at 2:48 AM

of gazillion masks

Canvass

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

August 22, 2009

She puts her angry foundation on

But she's still lonely.

Evens out her eyebrow with her cranky eyebrow pencil

Still, she's lonely.

Growling eyeliner, carefully lined up her eyes

Still, she's lonely.

Patted suspicious concealer on the parts she wants to hide

Still, she's lonely.

Colored her lips with screaming cherry red lipstick

Still she's lonely.

Sprinkled mad bronzer on her cheeks

Makes her even more lonely.

Because no make up, concealers or masks

Can hide the fact

that she's lonely.

As lonely is to be happy.

Posted by Mary De Leon at 2:37 AM

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 2009

Ruler

DISTANCE

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

August 13, 2009

18 inches is the distance

between a man's heart and brain.

But it seems very far

as I try to feel through my brain

and think through my heart.

My mind fell short

of its expected function,

to command and to react

beyond the circumstances,

to feel straight, rational

and logical, knowing

what's right or wrong everytime.

My heart failed to portray

its given role.

To respond and think selflessly.

Intuition and gut-feel

over perception and theories.

Thinking while pumping blood

without the help of neurons,

receptors and nerves.

It's just one of the things I couldn't control,

change, modify or move.

Because though it seems

that they're just a foot and a half

away from each other

and change seems achievable.

You can't love through your brain,

you can't calculate through your heart.

As you can't eat through your orifice

and excrete through your mouth.

Posted by

Mary De Leon at 6:35 PM

MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 2009

Hot item

SALE

Mary Edeza D. De Leon

August 9, 2009

There she was

busy digging up

on a pile

of ON SALE clothes.

Eyes sparkling like wine

popping with evil desire.

Her delicate hands

turned into claw,

as her fang

starts to sprung up her teeth.

Defensive.

Trying to get the best of it.

Never mind the sweat.

Never mind the chill

and the rumbling stomach.

She did what she did

Dig! Dig! Dig!

She never bother to check

what took her hours

that seemed like

a million years to detect.

Her beloved outside,

Stoned and forgotten.

Starved, cold and rotten.

[maryandomthots-blog]

When you're tired

"I'm not an employee, I'm not a mom. What am I?" - Introverted Boss. The last 3 years of my life has been the most challenging yet rewarding part of my life, I have no regrets. I prayed so hard to have this life but lately I'm becoming physically tired of my daily routine, very little of me is left for my daughter and well being. If I can be honest with myself, I would slap the robot me in the face and say what are you doing??? Maybe because I skipped a lot of things in my life that's why I feel so tired now. When I was young, I was so eager to move out of our house and be more independent and responsible for myself that's why I left home twice. I don't want to bother other people in raising me so I left and thought that I can survive on my own. But I didn't. As a result I lost too many opportunities. I skipped a very important phase of my teenage years and started working. When I worked, I meant really worked my way up as if there's no tomorrow and I got recognized for it. That was about 10 years of nonstop working, 3 of which was with a child and family of my own. I cannot express how tired I am for doing most of the leg work to make the relationship work, my mind is so tired of trying to fix everything and yet I am getting nowhere. I felt like my body is going to shutdown and surprise me one day and I won't be able do anything about it. My exhaustion consumes me and I only find comfort in praying and knowing that God is in control, that He is mindful of me, He is gracious and kind and full of mercy. That He will renew my youth and strength like that of an eagle. The reason why i made it this far is because God was carrying me all along. So when I'm tired just like today, I'll let God cradle me through the night. Today, I am reminded.

[maryandomthots-blog]

Why we fail - In love

“Just because the person doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved doesn’t mean they don’t.”

we expect them to love us the way we want to be loved or the way we love. We forget that they have different personality, upbringing, environment, experience and language of love - the very reason why we fell in love with them in the first place.

“We accept the love we think we think we deserve”

We underestimate our lover’s capability to love us the way we should so we settle for what we think they can give and end up unhappy, resentful and neglected but in reality, we are the ones who wired them the way they are.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

We forget that when we love somebody, it’s not just about us anymore. It’s putting their need before ours, it gives more than it takes. In this day and age when everything is readily available for us, with technology that forces us to be self-centered, makes love easy to let go.

Love is a decision not just a feeling or a mood that swings or fade when you no longer feel like it. And this is why most of us fail.

[maryandomthots-blog]

Why we fail

In life. Failure is essential to our existence and substantial to our survival, if we never fail at something, it means we haven't tried anything new or came out of comfort zone. Discovery and invention of new things are a product of failure. We almost always remember the things we didn't do right because it is where learning happens and it improved the way live and make decisions. For instance, do remember the job/role you didn't get, the subject you failed back in college? The wrong decision you made? Those are pivotal moments that made you who you are and those are things you tell the next generation about, what inspires them, what makes them feel that they're not alone in their journey by sharing the wisdom you acquired not just from your own failure but from the ones who came before the you. It makes success sweet because it reminds us to appreciate what we have and work hard for the things that we don't. It reminds us to live and not just exist. Failure is never a setback, it's a fuel that can either burn you if you lit it with fire or can fuel you as you take on life's challenges. Either way is a choice and choice us up to you.

[maryandomthots-blog]

Fate or so we call it

Have you ever thought that life is unfair? Or wondered why bad things happen to good people and why we end the up with the wrong person? Does it really have anything to do with fate or destiny? Is it written in stone? Or is there a stone to begin with? Are we a product of our own free will or do we believe that there is a higher being in charge? Does it even matter?