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maskmakervega · 5 years

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A break in the silence, she started talking to me on wednesday, and didn’t bring up the relationship. I contemplated staying cold, and simply saying “we need to only talk about work”, but against my initial instinct, i thought it better to welcome and return some warmth, hoping to forge an amicable work relationship instead... it has been awfully tense. Thursday she continued to talk here and there, and wanted to know if I would like to be friends. I agreed, which is sincere, though most definitely uncertain, and we hung out for a bit that night (last night). That was the 27th. We laid out some basics, though i’m not 100% that we are on the same page. She seemed rather emphatic about not wanting a relationship, citing that i was an asshole (i can’t disagree, on how we broke up, but i didn’t push for clarification), but she didn’t really look at me much. We watched the majority of “Scanners”, a great old horror movie. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but i was a guarded because i wasn’t sure of what to expect. Over the past month she had been very very emotional, and even seemed offended and hurt that I wanted to be friends. But here we are, around 2 weeks later, and she seems to have changed her mind. We exchanged looks a few times, i looked at her while talking much more often than she looked back. I wonder if this is hard on her, and I am very unsure if she can handle this. The way she would look at me, it was like she was fighting back tears. Her body language was timid as we were saying good night. I hope this friendship can take hold, she says I am good company, which is why she wanted to be friends again, and I have grown to love her over the past year, and also enjoy her company. Her only notable condition for this friendship, is that I don’t date. I felt like asserting myself by saying “i’ll date if i want to”, but at the same time, I don’t want to date anyone, so why push back? If that ever happens, i’ll be straight with her, but I don’t see it happening. I like having my free time back, because I give far too much of myself and my time, when I am in a relationship. I can only hope that she is sincere in her reason for wanting friendship, and that she doesn’t want a relationship. It failed too many times and for too many reasons for it to be allowed to happen again, and the last thing either of us needs is another heartbreak.

She has been reading books to help her compartmentalize and move on, which i am very grateful for, because I wish nothing but the best for her. She deserves to be happy. I just hope she remembers the reasons why we can’t be together, and allows herself to reflect on all the bad shit, that outweighed the good in what we had. I am cautiously optimistic that I can have my best friend back, and that neither of us try to rekindle a romantic connection. I have to remind myself again of all those same reasons. I am very... i guess, quick, to have a change of heart? I run on instinct (raw emotion), but at times that breaks and I am nothing but logic. I am truly a being a chaos, in that respect, and she tends to bring it out in me. I need to stand my ground.

#friends hopeful silence free content

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maskmakervega · 5 years

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A bit of alcohol still left in me, went to plague and it was pretty empty so i just experimented with the bartender on a bunch of wierd shit. There are a lot of things i’d like to discuss with X, or even just say, but she is so sensitive and unable to see straight, that any level of contact would make things worse... i think she will need to hate me to move on. Here i am talking about her needing to move on, i do see the irony. The fact of the matter is that i am further along the “im over you” trail than she is, by far. I have the advantage of initiating the breakup though, it was not mutual. I think i would first try to reclarify my points, about how I myself am fundementally broken and not suitable for a long term relationship (being demisexual, that means really any relationship). 1.) I am a being of chaos, which sounds more fun than it is. I wish I could describe what its like to feel that burning passion one day, and the next day get so irritated that i legitimately wish x would just break up with me. Other times i’d feel that passion so strongly that it would drive me higher, and then some bullshit drama would occur and i’d feel the pains and stresses so deeply that *poof*... i’d “blow a fuse” as i call it, and be emotionally dead for days, unable to show that im feeling anything, and not entirely sure what i actually feel. Spans of time where everything is great, then one bad day sets everything on fire and the walls come crashing down. That was our relationship in a nutshell, it was as chaotic as I was. You’re only as strong as your weakest link? When we were good, we were great. When we were bad, we were terrible. There was no middle ground, it was all or nothing. 2.) X has no ability to see things from a “logical” perspective, when it comes to me. This has many layers, but i suppose we can break it out like this: 2A) X’s absolute best friend in the world, and roommate, is her X that she was with for 5 years. She said the breakup was mutual, but considering the fact he tried to hook up with her shortly after the breakup, and many times asked why she was with me and not with him, indicate he was still in love. The “if you’re not in a relationship with me, then you need to move out” ultimatum lends weight to that too. However, that isn’t all his fault, she doesn’t understand that you can’t be best friends with an X that you grew that close to, because its ridiculously unfair to them. She went on week long vacations with him, multiple day road trips, concerts, weekend trips (all while we were dating), and he’s not supposed to get mixed signals? She never saw this though, she never understood. It put a huge strain on the relationship because he didn’t want me over there, and if i was there, I couldn’t hug her or even cuddle up next to her. The whole thing is ludicrous, i don’t know how or why i put up with it. 2B) After all the breakups, and our friends/family seeing just how badly we affected each other, it is easy to see how our loved ones would begin to hate and distrust the person they perceive to be hurting us. That part she gets. What she doesn’t get is that when EVERYONE, literally everyone, thinks its a terrible idea for you to be with someone, that you would be alienating yourself from them just to appease the other person. That is something i couldn’t get past. It would have been one thing if she put in any level of effort to get to know my family and prove she wasn’t a psycho bitch (met my parents twice, a 3rd time in passing, within a year and they live 10 mins away), but that effort was never made because of her fears. I would try to hang out with her friends and they would either cancel plans, or the other group of friends just hated me too much to even want to get to know me. Did i mention that 4 of her 7 best friends, were in love with her and actively tried to sway her opinion of me? Now that 2 of those 4 have girlfriends they want nothing to do with her... odd. 2C) Hypocrisy. This was a steady thing, because she never got how hypocritical she was being. With the roommate situation, i’d see his girlfriend maybe 2-4 days a month, for like 10 minutes each time. This is a person i knew for almost 15 years, and had sex with a handful of times when we were both depressed and trying to feel normal (no chemistry, no attraction to her). X would get super bent out of shape any time this person was brought up, and always be the same arguments, yet it was absolutely fine for her to live with an ex of 5 years, go on vacations with him, be besties teeheeheeheehee... “it is so different” was the answer i’d get. I have another friend who i on and off talk to, for about 15 years, we sometimes go years without talking, but we can get in hours-long, really interesting conversations. I had romantic feelings for that person years ago, but it never went anywhere and we’ve never actually met. The same thing, because i had some kind of connection, i was supposed to stop associating with this person... she never got the hypocrisy (until it was too late). 3) Horror movies, some music, and food. That was the extent of what we had in common. I am very much into the paranormal, occult/other dimensions/existential theories, big topics that can go on for years with the right person, and she seemed to have no interest. Truth be told, she never really told me her passions and never wanted to get into it. Any time we were together it was just a cuddle party, and we’d sit around getting fat together, eating and watching movies. That’s good once in a while or a few times a week, as long as you exercise, but i tried on several occasions to exercise and she’d usually find some way to snake out of it and then i wouldn’t bother. We had very little to talk about, and when i instituted “talk for an hour” mondays, she seemed to be fighting just to get to the end of that hour, like super anxious to just start watching movies. Was i that boring, was i that repellent? If so, wtf did she see in me? 4) dishonesty: after the breakup she stopped going to therapy, and refuses to go. she doesn’t want to talk to a stranger, but she also won’t tell her friends all the details because she was lying to them about us being together. This really tore into the relationship that last month because she was spending more time with those friends and less time working on making sure we were doing ok, and saying she needs to focus on them (2 of those 4 or 5 people no longer hang out with her because they have girlfriends). She couldn’t try and get us to hang out, she didn’t want to be judged, so she lied. That puts me into the forced position of needing to lie as well, and i absolutely hate lying. We all get to a point where an unavoidable fight closes in, but we have a secret we need to time the release of information for, but not when you’re coworkers and not when its numerous people. Leading us to... 5) we work together, closely. This makes things really, really fucking uncomfortable because she is super emotional a nuclear warhead during an argument, which she has no qualms about having over the work chat. It makes it impossible to work effectively, makes chat messages that can’t be deleted, linger around as grim reminders, and then there is drama that other people pick up on. It is a bonehead move to date someone you work closely with, and i should have known better. She understands, or at least says she understands, that this is one of my non-negotiable points of why we could not get back together, but she seems to have forgotten that as of valentines day. 6) Explosive temper, says mean shit during it. She has a lot of freudian slips, that and/or she says intentionally mean shit when she’s frustrated. After a breakup she would, at work, rattle off every insult to my character that she could think of. Telling me i’ll never have a meaningful relationship, that i never loved her, that i’m a piece of shit, that her friends are right, that she made a huge mistake in dating me, etc etc. She’d then play it all off like it never happened, but a lot of what she says, she meant and either didn’t know it, or just tried sweeping it under the rug. 7) back to me, i am not positive of what i want. I’d think about moving out, and where i wanna go, and i want to try and buy a shitty but livable house and work on it for the next 10 years. Entirely livable, just needs minor work that can be done over time. She is the kind of person that could not deal with that, she is a “i need a $300k starter home” kind of person, has very expensive tastes. I was always torn and it would cause me problems, when i thought that far into the future because i wouldn’t want to commit to buying something with her and thinking the relationship might fail and problems arise... very logical given how many times we broke up. on the other hand, i wanted to start off in an apartment together, but it would need to be one that one of us could afford on our own, should the worst happen. That didn’t foster “confident” feeling about the relationship, always feeling a contingency plan was necessary. Yet... through it all, i still love her very deeply, and wish there was some way for us to be happy together. It would require too much change to take place, we would have to be different people.

#reasonswhy wishwecouldtalk wishthingsweredifferent

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maskmakervega · 5 years

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First entry: clearing my head on the end of the relationship

I don’t know if i’ll really use this much, but for now I’m just going to describe the issues with, and surrounding the end of my breakup. First and foremost, love doesn’t die. It can change, like energy, but it never goes away, once it is present it will always be there. For her, lets just call her X, she seems to believe that love is the only thing a relationship needs, and if the relationship ends, the love was never real. This was a common thing she would either directly say or elude to after our numerous breakups. We got together in january 2019, but didn’t really start dating until around march, which is when she stopped pulling the plug on it. She was very indecisive at first, and considering we work together, it is both understandable and smart, we both had reservations... but both of us grew emotionally attached very quickly. To say that she is both very harsh on herself, and hugely jealous, is accurate but underselling it as well. This became very evident after we started having sex, as she was intimidated by how many people I slept with back in my “confused and wanting to feel normal” days. She was also uncomfortable with the fact that i am attracted to certain aesthetics, and she doesn’t look that way, so she would always tell me that she isn’t my type and then let it get to her. This was a big bag of red flags that I should have run from, but I was really into her and figured she would learn that I am absolutely faithful and do not require someone to dress like a goth for me to be attracted to them. That did not happen, really ever, regardless of what she said. During the planning of her friends wedding (march?), they all decided to scour fetlife to see if they knew people on it, and she found my profile. It outlined what i find attractive, but also that I am not looking for anything but friendship, and that I hadn’t used the website in like 4 months. She saw that i liked a face picture of someone she knows, and that irked her (this person is goth). The profile description and lack of time i logged into it (before we dated) didn’t seem to matter, a week or so later she told me about that and that she couldn’t stop thinking about it, and how she isn’t right for me and she doesn’t know if she is happy. After hearing about that and me arguing with her for over an hour, I decided that this time I needed to break the relationship off. Clearly she wasn’t happy, and I didn’t like being told that a personal taste of mine is responsible for her feeling like she can’t be with me, something entirely out of my control and was never brought up to her. X had returned my key and my things with a “sorry” card. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend that i wanted her to make sure X is ok, and that shared the information and we started talking again. After 3 days we got back together. Up until this point, she really wanted to keep our relationship a secret from everyone at work, adamantly, but within a month or two a few people knew. Not a big deal.

In april/may, basically her birthday, she was going on about how one of her friends thought i was dark and bla bla bla, The dude is in love with her and tries to get into her head. It kinda worked, because a few weeks later when she had a little get together where 5 of us drank and played cards, she got hammered. We ended up leaving and going to my place, and that same guy texted her the entire time, trashing me again. She drunkenly broke up with me that night, didn’t remember in the morning. That let to another fight and honestly i don’t remember much about it. It was about May/June when she really went ballistic, jealousy, over my roommates girlfriend. I had known this person for 14 years, and we slept together maybe 3 or 4 times (this person only remembers once). She was a long time friend, and her long distance boyfriend needed a place to stay in the area, so i let him move in as a favor. I am an unnecessarily honest person, I can’t keep lies straight and i don’t like to lie, so i just don’t. I told X about all of that before he even moved in, and she didn’t seem to make that much of a deal other than calling her a whore and all that (not to her face). The roommate was almost always in his room, and his girlfriend really only came over on weekends. Things seemed fine, until one day X started blowing up about the other chick at random. Talking about how i shouldn’t be friends with her, how she doesn't want her to come over, how shes a whore and she doesn’t trust her (by proxy me) This was a vicious fight, and it made no sense. To make a long story short, i broke up with her because of how ridiculously unreasonable she was being. Her jealousy caused 2 breakups at that point, and we had only been dating for a few months. I can’t think at the moment, there were several more breakups, i think 6 more. She counts 1 as me breaking up with her, but really it was her drunkenly making a fool of herself, embarrassing me with this in an up-scale bar, telling me every horrible thing she can about me, and breaking up with me on my birthday. But, she doesn't remember any of it and expected me to just forgive her. What caused it? Well we went out to dinner and then went to a club i like, it was a really great day until 30 seconds after we left the club.

Outside there were 2 chicks and she was telling me they were checking me out, and i said something along the lines of “eh it happens”. It kinda snowballed for the next few minutes, delicately, enough so we drunkenly walked into the nice bar and sat down to order our desert martinis. This is where she kinda goes off on a tangent and then brings up how she doesnt trust a long time friend that i talk to, because MONTHS before, she got onto my COMPUTER while i was in the shower, and read my old messages with this person. Old messages from before we even started dating, and saw that i had told her i missed her (we had a romantic connection but never met in person, again, this was a different 16 year friendship). I was not making the best judgement, and gave her my phone to scroll through my messages to that person. to the effect of “really? prove it, prove where i said i miss her”. She scrolled through about 6 months of texts, going “oh you talk a lot huh?” and things of that nature, but she never found what she was looking for. She accused me of deleting the message, which i didn’t even know you could do. I told her she had major trust issues and was blowing everything out of proportion and cant hold it against me that i have female friends, and she said “yeah well i’m not a whore, like you”. Then went OFF as we were leaving. This went on for about 20 minutes, as we are driving home and she is piss drunk. Its at this point she gets even madder and says she is done with me. We get back home about an hour later, i have to shake her to get her out of the car because she is so blackout drunk. she goes inside, takes my blankets and wraps herself in them in the middle of my bed, so i have to go sleep in the living room. Justifiably hurt and pissed off, i made a jab on facebook about how great it is to be dumped on your birthday. She sees this because one of her 4 friends that is in love with her, buzzes her asking to hang out, so we wakes up to the knowledge that people understand her to be single. Then she freaks out at me, i take the post down (its about 7am), only a small handful of people saw it, unfortunately they were coworkers. I didn’t think or plan it out, i was hurt and angry and it seemed like a good idea. We get into a big discussion about it, and how she would never break up with me, i tell her about every detail from the night before and she doesn’t even remember leaving the bar. That made it worse, because i drank A LOT when i was with her. About a bottle of scotch every 10 days, and we would go to get beers and stuff sometimes. She loves her booze, a lot of people do, but she doesn’t pace herself. Days went by with her trying to whittle me down and take her back, i think it turned into about a week by the end. When she had whittled me down to the bone with begging, i folded to an extent. I told her she needs to cut back on the drinking, and we got together. This lasted a few weeks (toward mid september) until she got into the jealousy issues again. It was a friend on facebook, who posted a workout photo and they had lost a lot of weight. I liked the photo, and that turned into a fight. Between that, and her telling me she was feeling like i didn’t love her as much since the last breakup, i broke it off again for about another week. I was going to have surgery in a few days and we started talking again, we made peace and agreed that as long as she started seeing a therapist we could try dating again, but i didn’t want to jump back into it super quickly, just hang out. That lasted a good while,and she really seemed to be trying. Bla bla bla, 2 breakups later we are where we are now. The final breakup was January 10th. We had been together, secretly, for about 6 weeks at that point. It was secret because her friends all hated me by this point, and her roommate (her ex of 5 years) said he would kick her out if we started dating again. Yeah, she left that last part out, which really burned me. Her housing situation was dependent on her roommate not finding out we were together again, and that meant she had to spend less time with me. Between the 2nd week of december and the first week of january, i saw her probably 8 days... we used to spend nearly every day together. I started seeing the pattern more clearly, and saw how this would not work. It was also about this time that my depression started to kick in again (huge theme that entire year, go figure), and i couldn’t help but over-analyze. You think quite a lot when there is deafening silence in your head, you feel nothing but empty, and the dark swallows you whole. I ended up doing what I should have done months ago, which was to be good to myself and take some much needed space. I needed to look out for me, because this relationship was making me feel unwanted and depressed.

The relationship was a roller coaster every few weeks, of whether she would freudian-slip some jealousy (that she said she fixed in therapy), or seem to withhold affection and time alone because of reasons she wouldn’t share (usually relating to those incidents). I couldn’t continue question myself because she’d question me, i couldn’t feel like i was nothing but a warm body to cuddle up next to. We didn’t have the ability to get into long conversations, she was afraid of them, and it made me feel a growing divide between us. At the one month mark of the breakup she was still trying to hang on. We talked about trying to hang out as friends, and she swore thats all it would be, but within 2 days she completely changed her tune and said she didn’t want to hang out unless it was to move toward getting back together. As of last week (valentines day) she had to leave work because someone decided to give her anonymous flowers and she thought it was me. She started messaging me and i had to shutdown what she was thinking, which made her cry and she left for the day. This has not been an easy process, because i deeply care for X. Although we had a lot of good times, i am a realist and to many, a pessimist, and looking back I see more bad than good. Distrust is a demon that must be slain to make a relationship function, and that is why ours was so dysfunctional. Hell, i think i have trust issues too now at this point. A lot of detail has been left out here, I don’t know if she will ever find this so I left a lot of personal and identifying details out, many of which are crucial to why the relationship failed so many times... but, i also don’t think anyone will read this.

#reflection breakup confusion heartbreak selfimprovement space staystrong

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