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masterzholtan · 3 years ago

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On the subject of Happiness 3

"Crazy as it sounds you won't feel as low as you feel right now"

I haven't written in this for years and I hate my handwriting so a diary has never appealed to me aside from that one summer I had no internet and played Pokémon Ruby for 6 weeks straight and wrote down how much I hated my parents for not paying the bill.

It's been a mad old journey and I've just reread the posts below about 2016 being amazing and my summer of freedom after the abuse id taken in the years prior, I gushed about joining University and here I am with a First Class Honours degree in Computer Science and a fucking gaming industry job that treats me so well. Look at how far we've come Andy.

I've not thought about what order to write stuff down in in this but I guess I wanna start near the top as in the reason I remembered this little diary existed. I met a person and they fill my heart with such joy and happiness, they are hilarious and beautiful, and together we're really going to take on the world and show others what love looks like. We are perfect for eachother, she told me she loved me and I'd never thought about that ever being a possibility again after all I've been through, I have my moments where I struggle (thanks for that youknowwho) with realising that it's real, and she does actually have these feelings for me and wants to spend time with me, touch me, treat me, laugh with me. And that's why I'm writing in this because a few nights ago she showed me she wrote about me in her diary and it was a real sweet thing to be let in to something so private for her. I can't remember what she wrote exactly because I wanted to read it quick and give back this tome of her thoughts and feelings of times passed, but the one thing that got me was how she described me as "The man she wants to spend her life with" or words to that affects and I've never been so honoured to hear that. In fact I don't think I've ever heard that from any partner before, always the giver and never the taker. She is not like that. I truly love her and trust her. I'm confident that we are it and that makes me so happy.

It's funny how these thoughts of my new partner came racing through my head at Download 22 just past as Biffy Clyro once again make me cry with Machines. The song that soundtracks my depression and anxiety for all these years and with my friends arms around me again as i weep to Simon Neil for I think the 6th or 7th time. I think of this blog so many years ago, I think of that summer of 2016 where I found myself and learnt myself, I think of the time at Uni, I think of the emotional and physical abuse, I think of being sick every morning for a year, I think of how sorry I am that i couldnt support the friends and partners that have come to pass.

I think of where I was and where I am now.

My friends haven't changed since I love them all as much as I do if not more than ever, they all love me still despite how annoying I am. Like a little chihuahua of excitement I am. But I think their tolerance for me will withstand a lifetime

I can't think much else to write. I'm still me, I still celebrate December 15th every year and will continue to do so, I was about to write about antidepressants and how it'd been so long, but I got back on them 2019-2020 and couldn't get my prescription when lockdown started so it's been about 2 years since, I had some private counselling in 2021 and 2 quick sessions this year because of how I was struggling to deal with Isolation, grief and eating which I told no one about except if you're blessed enough to read this

I can't say anyone is ever truly happy because our wants and needs change but I am getting pretty fucking close you know xx

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masterzholtan · 9 years ago

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On the subject of happiness II

(2 am ramble. Sorry) I have completely neglected Tumblr in the past year to use it as my place to vent and document these rambles. As I'm typing this its currently 2am and i find myself alone with my thoughts, as i find myself asking myself a question I've always asked "Am I happy?" Its been a whole year since this insane wave of overwhelming happiness flooded my life, this past year has been incredible and better than the last, and thats the way i like it. I have made some incredible memories, i have made so many new friends and grown so much closer to some old ones. Their unconditional love theyve shown and cotinue to show me is humbling, to think people see me as a friend and a source of happiness blows my mind. I truly have some of the best friends in the world. I don't struggle to face days anymore, i don't struggle with life. I have my confidence, my charisma and, more importantly I'm not a depressing train wreck that i was about 14 months ago and I've never, ever been happier. I know it's November but, cheers 2016 for being the year that defined me as a Human, and the year I let the past, stay in the past and keep moving forward. The first time I heard the song "Machines" by Biffy Clyro was in early May, and its beome my official theme song for the year, leading to a moment I will never forget as long as i live at the Reading Festival when Biffy played it, my friends had their arms around me as i wept tears of pure joy as i yelled those lyrics at the top of my lungs. Crazy as it sounds you won't feel as low as you feel right now I truly took the pieces and built them skywards.

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masterzholtan · 9 years ago

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On the subject of happiness.

(Big ramble ahead) I've always struggled through life, although I am an open book to anyone who asks, I can't lie about how I feel cause its probably written across my face. I had taken medication for diagnosed depression in 2007, 2009 and 2012 which i kept up with for about 3 months each except 2012 when i stuck it out for about 7 or 8 months and gave up until about late 2014 where I started having just the worst anxiety which I again took medication for, i lasted almost a year and I genuinely felt that i was better until i stopped taking my tablets in October of 2015. I started a new job in November of 2015 working in a Primary school, needless to say I got bloody nervous and I struggled a lot to begin with but after some really tough times in early November, losing Nanny Ivy and doing stupid shit in December and Grandad Knight in January. I felt myself falling into a deep lull, until i got asked a very simple question "Are you happy Andy?" My immediate answer was "No, honestly I don't think so" and I just sat there with my friend and rattling off all these things that had happened within the past year and just how much life sucked. After that chat I breathed a pretty big sigh. Even after all.those years, where I'd felt so low. I had told my story to yet another person and i thought this time it would be different, and it wasn't. Well, it wasn't straight away. I dont know what happened that night, maybe the caffeine high and sleep deprivation low kicked some mad cocktail in me, but at about 2 in the morning on a bloody Tuesday I applied for University, something I should have done 4 years ago really but now i had little commitments and no one to please but myself. I did it. I got in to, go team Andy! And i made my final choices last month ready to start in September. I've just come off a fucking great weekend too. On Saturday i sat in my home town by the river, which I've had some of my happiest memories in my life by, i was there with two of my oldest friends with some beers and sunshine and just chilled there talking til it got dark. Sunday through Tuesday I spent with some of my best friends in the world, some old and some new but i know that each of them have got my back for life and the weekend was just such a laugh, such a good time. We saw some great bands too and I think that helped more so. I've always been a huge music guy, i love everything but more to the point we saw two bands that just made something click for me, the first was Yellowcard, i have never properly listened to them except when i slept on my cousins floor for a year and he would play them but I never could name a song, but when they started playing, i knew the songs, i knew the words but more so i had the memories of sitting in a camping chair in my cousins bedroom playing Xbox while he worked from home blasting Yellowcard. The second band was Panic! At the Disco, the first gig i ever went to was in 2006 where i saw Paramore, Panic! and My Chemical Romance. 12 year old me was super happy then and 23 year old me was exactly the same watching them Monday night. I can say mostly I've never been truly happy, theres always been something playing on the back of my mind since i can remember, but that's exactly what my problem is. I let too much bother me. I've had some really great times in my life that outweigh the bad by a long shot and the past 4 months alone prove this and my unforgettable experienced in the last 10 or so just reinforce this. I've only scratched the surface of this topic, and I'm always available for whoever wants to talk. I have no clue who will read this but tumblr seems the place for this seeing as I deleted my LiveJournal and Xanga pages years ago. The past few years have taken so much out of me. However I have had so many great times in my life, that the low points arent even a percentile of all my memories. Putting this all in writing makes it all seem more real to me but I believe myself when I say it. On the subject of happiness, I am happy. I am content.

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masterzholtan · 9 years ago

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