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[matney85-blog]

What a bender

“Hey feller, You say you like to drink and get fucked up”? My boss shouts out to me as he’s changing his boots to go home for the holidays.

I say “hell yeah” he tells me he’s having a get together up at his sisters place and for me to come over on New Years Eve. I said “I’ll be there with bells on”

When I leave work I call my life long drinking buddy, we will call him Ted for the sake of his dignity and present life. Now Ted will be in future stories so I gotta give you a back ground on him. He’s a old country boy the kinda kid that ate Elmer’s glue on the bus in school, but will give you the shirt off his back. When we started hanging out as adults he didn’t even know which streets went which way in Huntington. Now me and Ted have been thru some shit, car wrecks, bar fights, jail, women! So naturally I would want him to come with me drinking to this party.

I call him up and he tells me he’s going to town, he says he isn’t going to some sausage fest in the woods. I hang up and call my girl, I’ve known forever that always took me anywhere I needed to go and helped me out of drunken shit I got myself into. I ask her if she wants to go to the party, I ask her because she doesn’t drink often and she’ll drive me home from the party a hour away. At first she’s reluctant because, I’ve had her in bar fights, car crashes and a lot of other dumb shit, but finally she gives in. We go to Kroger’s and get a keg, then stop at the liquor store and get her some fruity drink and me a bottle of Bacardi 151. My bossman has told me prior don’t bring any booze they had it covered but I’m not the kind of guy that shows up empty handed. We get to his house and he tells me follow him up to his sisters house right up the road, I know you think that’s irrelevant to the story but wait for it. We get to the party and my designated driver gets drunker than hell, pukes and goes sleeps in the car for the remainder of the night. Oh she done that in the first 45 minutes of being there. So typical New Year’s Eve shit drink drink drink, stand around and tell lies. We play a game standing in a circle seeing who could drink out of the Bacardi bottle longest. The game started with his beautiful daughter she held it up there about 15 seconds makes a disgusting face and hands me the bottle. Naturally I gotta show her up so I turn it up about 25 seconds. Now it’s time to leave my friend says I can’t sleep in his house because last time he let someone stay over they pissed in the back of his tv. He tells me to follow him closely to his house I can sleep in my car in his driveway, I drive after drinking for about 8 solid hours because I’m still in better shape then my sober driver. I’m following him as closely as possible looking out of one eye. This idiot runs off the road that he’s lived on for 40 years and I followed him. Kaaaabboomm right into the back of his truck I smash, he hangs his head out the window and says I’m a good listener I followed him right to the crash. We back the cars out and head home. I later found out the daughter was sticking her tongue over the end of the bottle she wasn’t actually drinking it!! He also let me sleep inside, I hear years later his daughters boyfriend fell into the workout equipment, passed out and pissed himself.

Blurry sleep for a few hours next thing I know I’m driving down RT 10 and my DD has to throw up again. It’s about 10 am I get her home and stop at moms, she says Ted has been looking for me since about 3 A.M. I drive over to his house and peel his drunken ass outta bed. He tells me he ran off the road and the car got stuck can I take him to get it out. We pile in the car and head the direction he says he left it. We get there and I’m looking all over the edge of the road for his car. It’s no where to be found, no tire marks or anything. I look over the hill, well cliff more or less and I see a license plate and smashed down brush but no car. Now this isn’t just a little off the road this is a good 150 feet over in the woods. Ted proceeds to tell me when he ran off the road he walked up to the closest house and it was a preacher he was having a safe alcohol free gathering for friends, family and members of his church to bring in the New Year but he stopped and brought him home. We head back to moms and she starts calling impound yards, my dad is a life long mechanic so mom knows all them on first name basis. Finally she finds the car good ol Jerry Johnson’s rowing has the car. I call Brian the owner at his house he wants to kill me once he finds out I’m involved he said we can get the car but not today because it’s New Years. He says bring a $100 dollar bill tomorrow get the car.

Well what are we gonna do today we think and off drinking we go. We aren’t talkin two guys that put down 6 beers after work, we are the 20 plus beers and as much whiskey as we can afford. We head to town drinking, this day isn’t to exciting just a bunch of bars and trying to think of a lie to tell the state police who impounded the car. I got my Lincoln Mark VII at some point before we went bar hopping. I don’t know how this part goes together but it’s weird. I woke up because something was jammin me in the side I managed to open my drunk eyes to see a butt naked chick laying on the floor in front of me. I look around like where am I I see fishing poles and shit, I realize I’m in Teds spare room. I stand up I’m butt naked except for a hunting vest that had a shotgun shell in the chest pocket and that’s what was pushing me in the side. I go and wake Ted up and ask him who’s the girl he tells me he don’t know but shes lucky i didn’t kill her and me driving home in the Lincoln doing all kinds of burnouts and donuts. I go back and wake her up and pretend I’ve known her for years. She’s sexy and a nice tan and tattoos but if my girlfriend shows up we are both dead. She tells me I told her I would bring her home and she lives in Grayson Kentucky. I know this part sounds crazy and if I could take it back I would. No not the part you just read but this part. So I get the girl in the car and I stop at BP to get gas I tell her to go in and pay so I hand her $50 dollar bill. As soon as she opened the door at the store i turned the Lincoln completely sideways tires smoking and away I went. Sorry chick I didn’t have that kinda time to take you a hour home. I had a full keg to get to. Meanwhile my phone is ringing off the hook I answer my girls call, she is like I just saw you do a big burnout outta BP I’m here about to get gas. I’m like NO you don’t get gas there they got water in their gas it will fuck your car up get outta there right now! Thank god she took my advice or I wouldn’t be alive to write this cuz she said some chick was outside yelling and screaming about something as she was driving off.

So counting New Years Eve and the next day drinking I am now on day 3 of this binge in the same clothes and roaring to go Ted gets up and get the day gets started. We hop in the car and run down to the state police barracks, I sit in the car and drink some beer while my buddy is inside telling them this crazy story we fabricated. I for sure thought he was going to jail but he walks out with a piece of paper and a shit eating grin. We go to pick up the car, and if you think the police aren’t shady skip this part. The car had a itemized list of every penny, beer cap, pay check stub in the car. First thing I do is reach under the seat and look for my pistol but it’s missing. The guy I know that owns the tow yard says there is no way there is a gun in there, me and Ted said there should be two and sure enough there is one shoved down in the door. The guy says he can’t believe that was in there the cop literally took the whole car apart. We never did determine where the second gun went but all I’m saying is it’s missing. The guy that had the car in hock I’ve known my whole life he wouldn’t have took it. He is also pissed off at me because he said he has to get outta bed drunk at like 4 am to impound this car. I ask him if I can beat him arm wrestling if he will take off 25 bucks, just joking cuz his arms are bigger than my waste. He looks me dead in the eye and says “if you can whip my ass you can have it for free” I declined my buddy paid him and we were back in action. We transfer the keg I’ve been hauling around into the back of his car and my designated driver leaves us and she is pissed and squeals off. I was supposed to hang out with her today I guess but fuck it she’ll be ok I think.

We head back to his house and the party starts all over again, later that day his step brother JC shows up. He’s all upset cuz him and his girlfriend broke up, I show him my empathy but in my head I’m like thank god now I can fuck her. I never did tho! Anyway he’s only about 17-18 years old, the sun goes down we decide to head to a local strip club. We’ve went there for years daily so we tell JC we can sneak him in. We get to the Carousel Strip club, which is not the kinda strip club you see on tv. They still have a jukebox that plays CD’s and Christmas lights light the stage year round. I’ve seen third generation dancers there all at once, the mom, the daughter, and the baby bump being pregnant. Not a little pregnant but like 8 months! Any where was I? Oh yeah when we walk in they question us but we swear to god he’s 21. I don’t actually think we were 21 ourselves tho. They are vacuuming the floors and shit it’s really dead. This girl I kinda know is there and really drunk she says she’s gonna strip one set and leave can we take her out drinking. Ted and I have known this sleazy thing for years but JC is all over her with her cheap dollar store body spray and painted on makeup. JC is drinking beer after beer and really getting into the attention his new found love is showing him for one wrinkly dollar at a time.

Finally she gets on stage peels then clothes off leaves some snail trails on the dance floor and we leave all together. On the way of backing out of the bar I run Teds brand new car down the side of a brand new Cadillac. Oops we think all chuckle and take off. We stop and get her 3 four locos and head across the river. We drive around drinking in the strip mines for hours and head back to Teds. We are sitting on the couch drinkin, Teds plucking the guitar, JC and hoebag are sucking face. I mean really going at it. So before things get weird I tell Ted let’s go to BP gas station, he’s like for what I’m like come on. He stands up tells JC the two house rules.

#1 no one fucks on Teds bed

#2 if you eat a can of beans buy a can of beans.

Well we walk out the door I turn right, ol Ted says you drunk bastard the drive way is left. I said shut up man come this way. We walk around the back of the trailer and peek thru the windows. We can barely see in because the windows are to high. We gather some fishing chairs and stand up now we have a full view. JC has done peeled this girls pants off and is ear deep in her down stairs. Ted and I look at each other in pure disgust holding a Budweiser in our hands and a cigarette hanging out of Teds mouth we think man we are living the life and cheers our beers. We say how we will never forget standing in fishing chairs watching JC try to eat a fishing chair. We get down and go back to ruin his party and as we climb down we see that little shit lock the front door and proceed with the girl into Teds bedroom. We have no clue what happened but they must have had ear plugs in cuz we banged on the doors hit the windows with shit and never got in. Eventually those two let us in and we took her home. The next morning about 8 am I take Teds car and run down to moms I need a shower and clean clothes. So I shower and ask dad if he wants to wake up and come out drinking with me, he says no and curls back up in the blankets. I tell him we have a untapped keg and he all in one motion sits up get his glasses on and feet in shoes. We go get Ted and head to the chicken house. My ol man takes a 2 liter Mountain Dew bottle and cuts the bottom off, it’s 10 am and we are shotgunning 2 liters of foamy ass beer from it riding around in the trunk. Ted keeps getting calls from this girl we mutually know. He tells me to go to coal grove in his car and get her. I take off with a hidden agenda that maybe I might be able throw her some dick later. Eventually my dads more fucked up than a sprayed roach he falls backwards over a wheel barrow and breaks his glasses. We call my mom to get him load up our keg and with our new DD we take off ripping and roaring out on the town.

So now we’ve really gotten involved in getting ripped outta our mines but Ted has to be work at like 5 am. Ted JC and I are still up drinking, while the girl gets some beauty sleep. Rather than wake her up and ask her to take Ted to work, JC and I offer to take him. Keep in mind he has a car and it’s his job but he says he’s too drunk to drive but if we can get him there he can work. Well all I remember is I’m driving down Rt 52 by South Point and I hear some crazy wind scraping noise and Ted outta a dead sleep yells what the hell are you doing? I was driving in the median for who knows how long with the car on cruise. JC is in the back sleeping like a baby and apparently I was too but in the drivers seat. We make it to Ashland dump him off at his job and sleep in the parking lot until he gets off work. He comes out ready to go partying he said he hid at his job and slept all day.

We get back to his house and drink all day while Mrs. Pretty is getting her makeup and shit on for the night out on the town. We take her to a few bars and head to a little more upscale titty bar called JBs. When I come in the door the bartender yells for me and Ted to come over there. She says if you two act like you did in here last night your barred forever. I told her I wasn’t there last night and neither was he. She looks us both up and down with a pure look of disgust and goes you idiots were here you had the same exact clothes on too. What the fuck is wrong with you two. We get totally shit faced again. We had made a deal whoever fell down on the ground this whole week of drinking was to pay the next big tab so it was game on to get the other one drunk. As we go across the Proctorville bridge my buddy rubbing his belly and bald head simultaneously he said something to me I’ll never forget “buddy I give up you win the drinking game, your a sick fuck”

Im cuddled up to this keg in the fetal position in the back seat. I just cocked that Cool hand Luke crooked smile I’ve always got and said “fuck y’all bring me home if you don’t wanna drink with me”

They took me home to my girls house where her brother said he heard something smash and looked out the window and it was me laying in the shrubs with a keg on me saying help me buddy i can’t get up.

I asked Ted if he had any details to add when I started writing this and he said is all he knows is he spent a grand in bars that week on top of trying to float a keg. I don’t actually know what would have happened if he didn’t give in on the drinking game but I think one of us probably would have died!

[matney85-blog]

Real life stories

I’m writing a collection of short stories of my life these are 100 percent true. I’m rusty with writing stories and these are pretty much unedited. Enjoy [A trip....to Ross County Jail ] So I wake up to someone kicking me in the bottom of the foot. I peel my drunken eyes open enough to look around and recognize the concrete bench and cinder block walls. I look over my shoulder to see a correctional officer telling me to stand up I’ve been released..... Let’s go back a few days to see how I got in this situation. I had drug in a car and fixed it up, and sold it. I had a whole bunch of cash burning a hole in my pocket. I had been hanging out with this girl for a few weeks as friends on and off. We will call her Mary, well me and Mary had plans of attending the Easy Rider biker rodeo in Chillicothe Ohio. The plan we had was to meet up Saturday morning after she worked her all night shift at a local gas station and go up together. So it’s Friday evening and I’m chilling out at my moms having some beers anticipating the big weekend of partying. I eventually get half drunk and think I should head to town for a few. I take the car that I shared with my kinda girlfriend live in situation at the time and head to town. I go to a few of my same ol routine bar stops with not much action going on. I end up at the Wild Dog Saloon but for the life of me don’t actually know what it was called at the time. I walk in pretty well ripped outta my mind. After a few shots and few more beers I lock eyes with a beautiful blonde in a short skirt. This is where Mary lost all chances of heading to the Rodeo with me. My whole agenda had changed, I go over offer to buy the girl a drink and she accepts. I go right in for the kill trying to get in this girls pants, so what seemed like 3 minutes after I met her my hand was up her skirt as far as her hand was down my pants. Just two random drunks in the heat of the moment elbow deep down each other’s pants standing at a crowded bar. So next thing I know it’s last call you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. Obviously I don’t wanna miss the chance to get some more action outta this girl. I go to exchange numbers and she invites me back to her place. I get in the truck with a few of her girlfriends and back to her house for more drinking and third rate romance. I call the live in girl tell her the car is in the parking garage cuz she needs it for work in the morning. I make up some lie about where I’m spending the night and the fun begins to unfold with drunk Barbie. What I remember of a blacked out night of drunken sex was great, freak is a understatement for this chick. I woke up to her shaking me saying “hey you have to leave my kids dads gonna be here in like ten minutes” She more or less gently pushing me out the door at this point. I still don’t know where I am, who she is, or how I got there. I knock back on the door after she shuts it and ask her “where’s my car”? She tells me the whole scoop. I realize I’m fucked once again but not in a good way. Good morning sunshine it’s 6 am! I’m now in the West End at apartments I didn’t know exist, my car is no where to be found and it’s pouring the rain. The young lady did me a solid and gave me 3 Budweiser cans I tucked in my hoody and took off walking. I’m just trucking along thinking that was a great time I’m the fucking man! I call my brother to ask him for a ride and he said he was busy but I could borrow his car. Wrong wrong wrong idea!! He meets up with me gives me his car says I reek of booze and for me to promise him I won’t wreck the car and I’ll have it back to him by noon. I go to a few little bars I know of that’s open early and drink with a few old timers I know. My Razor phone rings it’s my good buddy Dickie he’s drunker than me and expecting my arrival at the rodeo. I said I’ll be right there let me run home and get a gallon of shine and a cooler. I head over to moms grab the home brew and hit the road. I stop in New Boston grab a styrofoam cooler and case of beer I’m pretty well totally wrecked. I hit the shine a few times and take off driving again. I get about 10 miles before I need to puke but I get it all out and I’m ready to start the day. Keep in mind now I’ve got 37 missed/avoided calls from Mary and about 100 text messages. I fucking forgot my friend she had slipped my mind but she’ll understand. I drive all the way 2 1/2 hours in my brothers car that I’m supposed to be returning at the same time I’m pulling in the event. I stick the keys to the car in the gas cap for safety in case something odd happens. I pack the cooler in and the party begins. Now I don’t know if you have ever heard of this party but it’s wild I don’t have enough time to tell you all the crazy shit going on here. I walk around looking at hot naked girls, 70 year old women’s tits hanging out, motorcycle burnouts just a general good time for a hell raiser like myself. I continue to call Dickie and all my dads friends trying to locate them but no one there is coherent either. At this event there is thousands of campers and RVs they all look the same. My arms are getting tired from packing the case of beer in the cooler. I’m also just getting more and more hammered I’d walk around looking for them stop and drink with some crazy people and keep going. Finally I find the party, I’m there a short amount of time before I get in a argument with one of my dads long time friends. I wonder off aimlessly into the mass crowd. I wonder around with my moonshine just getting righteous. The next thing I know I’m sitting Indian style handcuffed to some chick to this day had the nicest huge tits I’ve ever seen. The police say if I can find someone to take responsibility for me they will let me go. They rode her and I around as she with one hand showed every passer by her jugs. It wasn’t a bad time at all, but we couldn’t find anyone we knew. Then again we couldn’t hardly talk from the drunken stooper we were in. We go back to this little make shift police station in the fair grounds and the cop says to me “I’ve seen 100 thousand people in 2 days here, I’ve seen naked women, people having sex, guys snorting Coke off girls asses, and 8 people went to jail congratulations son” In the van riding to the jail the chick stands up to show her hidden glory for just one more time to the other jail birds. When she stands up the jailers think we are trying to escape and slams on the brakes and rips off the highway to the break down lane. Well naturally she’s top heavy and still handcuffed to my skinny ass rips me off the bench on top of her laying on the floor. We get ourselves together I help cram those things back in her shirt for the 20th time today because the whole time we’ve known each other we only had one free hand from being cuffed together. I’m waiting my turn to be booked and I see about 5 CO’s jump on some other drunk guy and taze him and beat his ass. I end up in a small drunk tank, that smells like old bums piss and booze. It’s packed to like Texas road house on a Friday night. After awhile of drunken shit talking a fight breaks out because a guy said he was the baddest MF’er in here. I just sit on the bench minding my own business. The fight goes on a good 10-15 minutes, after everyone had enough one guy stands up and said see I told you guys I am the baddest man in here. I stood up and knocked out 3 of the teeth on the right side of his mouth and said I beg to differ. We fight for what seems to be a eternity but eventually enough is enough. Well here we are back to the CO kicking my foot. I stand up, my button up shirt has all the buttons ripped off and I’m covered in miscellaneous dried blood. The guy tells me he had money on me and he owes me big that I had won the fight, he tells me them little guys are the ones to worry about. As we are collecting my shoe laces, belt and stuff I’m being discharged. I ask where’s all my money and phone is they tell me they will send me a check and I didn’t have a phone. NO NO NO you’ll give me my damn cash I yelled at them, they say if I don’t leave now I can stay 30 days I said “fuck the money” I get outside notice when I was arrested I didn’t have my phone that’s weird I never loose it. Oh well I ask directions back to the fair grounds and off I walk. I’m so parched and hungover it’s unbelievable and I have to walk 12 miles in the 100 degree weather in pants and what’s left of a jail brawl nice button up shirt. I didn’t have one cent to my name and was dying of thirst. I get back to the car get the key out of the gas cap and off I drive. After driving a short while my brothers pride and joy mustang starts running low on gas. I go in a little gas station and beg them for a few bucks in gas but sounding like every other crack heads story they don’t believe me. I go back to the car take the radio out and sell it for $16 bucks to about the 20th passer by I could flag down going in the store. Finally I can buy something to drink and some gas. Naturally I buy a 99 cent 22 oz Budweiser and the rest in gas. I know until now Bub you thought someone broke in your car and stole the radio because that’s the story I stuck with. Just be thankful I didn’t cut the wires. I get back to Proctorville at moms house and give my irate pissed off brother his car back. I tell my mom I went to jail and she says I already know some guy called here last night saying you needed a ride from Chillicothe. I walk up to the local drinkin spot where I have to tell the same story about 10 times over and over to all my dads friends who was at the same rodeo. I get a few more beers in me and head out on the Ohio River boating with good ol Dickie. I see some of the girls I went to high school with and their parents boating. I really try to impress them with the jail story but in a pure look of disgust they putter off in their little skidoo boat. Mary hates me and never wants to talk to me again at this point, I’ve lost my phone so I don’t have that freaky blondes number now either. So a few days goes by my mom gets a call from a guy in Arizona he said he was at the rodeo and had found a cell phone stuck in the bug shield of his semi. He said he would mail it back but he thinks the guy that owns it is in jail. He said I pulled out a wad of cash asking for a ride and someone tried to take it and I started fighting them and was arrested. I’m glad someone knows the truth and where my money actually went because I received a check for $12.31 cents that I still have at moms. So that means 4,000 some odd dollars went somewhere. The mail comes and eventually I got the phone back, I’m somewhat sober and early when I said Mary would surely understand the mistake. The 100 or so text messages I read on my phone says other wise and we obviously have a falling out. Now for the freaky blonde she will be in more stories, me and Mary are friends again. My brother still won’t let me borrow a car that was one hell of a weekend!