matthew-eleventhirty

[matthew-eleventhirty]

[matthew-eleventhirty]

[matthew-eleventhirty]

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[matthew-eleventhirty]

[matthew-eleventhirty]

[matthew-eleventhirty]

[matthew-eleventhirty]

hi so it very early in the morning and the time is just flying. i think i might just pull an all-nighter and figure out my life in the am. but in the mean time i wanted to catch up a bit. so i paid off my credit card bill, well not completely but i have the cash i just dont want to pay it until i get paid next week- just to make sure i have enough to get through. also this boy ive had a crush on for about a year now is single? i guess? and i was actually excited? like i have been talking to a few guys over the course of the past months, but hes the only one that im really concerned about. which translates to the only one im sexually attracted to as well as just truly caring. like ofc i want all the guys i talk to to love me, but i need to be lovey and genuinely believe in them. what im trying to say is if i could give every guys ive ever talked to great or bad a hug i would, but who would get the longest cuddliest hug is this kid ive formed an undying love for... he makes me smile always.

the unfortunate part is hes losing interest in the girl and a part of why is because of their distance. hes away and shes at the same school im at. :) ill have to be okay with that i guess. it was cute thinking that was going to be a thing for a second but lets be real its never good timing. i just think hes such a good boy. he cares about me hes smart but if were going to get specific i think he needs to find his drive again. i can be projecting but cant bullshit a bullshitter right? also hes very handsome like subtly big muscles and an adorable lil face with a cute lil gap in his front teeth.. ok im very into him. 

but i have been busting my ass in work and the money flow has brought back a bit of productivity. i earned about 2k over the past two weeks. i had $40 in my bank account.  maybe.. i want to get my shit together i want to enjoy what i am learning again and from that i think i might just take my time with school for the next three semesters. i have only a few more classes i have to take and possibly retake so i want to spread that around. i want to be careful with myself but stay on top of myself as well.

speaking of money tho, i have two shifts as a bartender coming up in a week and i have been telling everyone i know to come by. from the talk of other bartenders i already have a jump on an actual shift i just have to bring the people and not fuck up martinis on a saturday. im so excited because if i can pull this off and actually get a shift.. i might have a set $400 a week AT LEAST. and that could mean my boobies are here! like so much could be paid so easily and people would want me to cover and i might be able to pull jillian up and push myself into a shift. 

there are so many moving parts and none of these parts are moving quick enough or in the direction i thought theyd be goin in but hey what are ya gonna do. im taking my time doing it day by day and enjoying the people i see around me.

my mom told me i didnt have to look at my grades if i get a social worker. sealed a deal w the devil. goodnight and hopefully the next time i write things are even better than now! (in a bittersweet way) 

[matthew-eleventhirty]

hi. so i havent written in a while but i wanna get some things off my chest. so i have been more open about whats been going on w me, but it feels like im giving them reruns. um in other words im scratching the surface. i feel like a constant pain to people around me and i get very uncomfortable now when im put on the spot or asked questions. i feel like a disappointment um i feel like i was being dramatic in the past and im not being dramatic now but im in the same routine? like what is that.. im acknowledging how stupid im being but i just cant get myself to really change.

umm so i reconnected with my exs old roommate. we went on a date it was so cute! he took me to a place in the city that was a jazz club and it was so different and something he enjoyed it was definitely more fun than a dinner or a movie. its more personal. then we sat in washington square park by the fountain watching people skate. im giving him a second date. i feel ok about him hes smart and funny and cool but total frat guy and im over that completely. like have a real fucking conversation but then he did and he showed his smart side again. oh fuck he definitely was on coke.  welp. goodnight.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

11:28 am

yesterday, i went to a therapist for the first time in about three years. the last time i was there was regarding my anxieties surrounding college, college life, and not wanting to be at st. john’s. as that passed, things started getting very complicated.. when i met billy it made it easier to get through those things and i had a strong support system with him so i was able to get things done that i needed to. when we broke up i felt that i was going to cling myself to friends but i tried not putting everything on them. i started this blog up again and posted anything that i thought might’ve been repetitive or annoying or too personal for me to share.

over the past 11 months, i lost 35 pounds and lost a huge chunk of my appetite. with that went my motivation my hair and my energy. i don’t sleep well i have very low patience with things and people now i don’t pay attention to things around me anymore it’s like i was walking around without a brain- if i didn’t have to think or use my head id go, but the second i had to i wanted to be back in bed curled up sleeping. i thought it was my room or my vitamin d levels but when it continued through the summer i got nervous. when i realized my overall emotion changed, my laughs seemed not genuine, and even my attempts on caring about other people’s lives, giving compliments and concerns - i was being honest, just it didn’t feel substantial?

i hated the questions mostly asked about myself. i hated them.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

[matthew-eleventhirty]

its been a long time coming since ive written and a lot has happened. i went to my doctor to see why i was throwing up andlosing my hair and just overall not having a good time. she took blood work and recommended me to a therapost. i didnt think i needed one and i stated that to her. but after talking to my doctor she thinks that i just need to get things off my chest. well fast forward maybe 3-4 months and my head feels like itis 500 pounds always. i started getting more and more nervous about who i am as a person, not just analyitically, but liek critically and it got to the point where i have to ask a few people if things i say are rude or if im being a bitch or what. i noticed i have become very distant, falling back into the ways of how i was when i first got to st johns. i hate this, but i also like dont know what to do. my friend made me try cbd oil and my anxiety somehow broke through that? like i sat there and knew hey i usually have a pit in my stomach and now i dont! and i thought that was great but there was so many people and it started to wear off and i freaked out and i needed a drink almost immediately. but i started to think i needed a therapist so i gave her a call. but that was on my first good day in so many days.. the next sucked. she didnt call me back, i missed a very important meeting, and i broke down in tears before work. i felt so alone and so auto-piloted its not me as a person. im usually stressed and love to pack my schedule ive always been like that, but i would know when to lighten up have fun be a part of the party instead of apart from it. my vomitted has stopped a little but my stomach still gets tied up in knots sometimes and i have to eat slow or drink a lot of water with it. i dont know whats going on with me. i started taking biotin pills to stop my hair from thinning but i dont know if that really worked. it takes me a lot to fold clothes or even get out of bed. i want this fixed and fixed quickly i dont even like talking about it for long.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

i feel extremely sad. i dont know if it is because of school being over and now i dont know what to do with my days or because i feel like there is no one around me anymore... i honestly cannot tell. i have slept for the past three days which my mom thinks its because i was just sleep deprived but i keep walking up with headaches and now i feel congested. i dont know what to do with myself. my bloodwork came back as normal so everything that is wrong with me is mental. i dont know if that makes it better or worse. i feel fat still even though ive lost 25 pounds. i feel gross i hate this. im bored as hell. 

[matthew-eleventhirty]

its been a while since ive been on here to truly discuss my feelings and i definitely do not want to reread all the things i wrote down just yet i feel as though that wound is just not yet healed. but looking back at the past six months, this is what ive concluded/experienced:

he made me so gut-wrenchingly nervous and anxious and upset and depressed so much so that the second i feel slighlty overwhelmed im curled over vomitting my brains out. i would walk upstairs and have to run to the toilet. i would walk fast to catch up with my friends and i had to keep swallowing my vomit. heard his name, possibly saw him, james tells me something new.. vomit. and that is still going.. less but still.

i lost my appetite i would eat maybe a handful of crackers and a day and only drink coffee. it was a proud moment to finish half my sandwich, but thats not all the time. i look skinny bc of these two things but i dont feel strong, but i also cant help it. i try to eat more i feel nauseous and have to sit down. but on the bright side i lost like 27 pounds. i fit into my old clothes! 

billys mother has gotten involved with 3 altercations ive had about my ex. but my ex wasnt involved. when he refused to send back my stuff, ignore me when i asked for it back, then post a picture with his new girl, i had to get involved i needed my stuff back. i called his mother and as politely as possible bc i had a knot in my stomach i asked for my stuff. but at the same time this is going on my friends are having their way with him but i couldnt really take notice because i was at work. so im sitting afterwards reading what theyre saying and deal with it on top of everything else i just went through. but i guess my work wasnt done because a week later i get a text from his mom saying my friends wont stop blowing up his phone when none of my friends were even texting him? but couldnt a 20 year old boy deal with that? couldnt someone you trusted be able to reach out to you? but that still didnt end because he decided to text me saying “since i was so kinnd as to give you your stuff back...” first off nno you werent, your mother was. “i figured you would send me my stuff back, but since you havent” and thats kind where i really laughed to myself because this mothafucka expected me to just give back his stuff? like no ask for it, im not your slave anymore. i dont cater to you. you want it, step up and tell me whats up? but i didnt answer because i had playoff tickets and was a lil busy. but then the next morning im at work and guess whos number? billys mom. this kid for real couldnt wait one day without getting his mother involved when i waited a full 2 months for the things i bought so i could be ready to go out with you at a moments notice. it just makes me laugh, like how could i have been so dumb as to date a guy liek tthat.

and lastly the reason why i was making this post was to say that, i think i am a beautiful smart wise fun goofy carefree lil messy but that makes things interesting and i really value the things in life people tend to take for granted. i like the root of things not always the part that everyone sees. i think im geniune, i will tell you things honestly because whats the point in lying? and im not apologizing for the truth. but i feel as though ive grown so much from this experince, i know my self worth better now, i can see mistakes ive made before try to happen again and i can see it a lot easier. i want to have fun and make memories and just enjoy my life again. i think after hanging around with chris and friday that i can finally you know move on and just fully enjoy being me and not thinking about vomitting when anyone mentions anything to me. im gorgeous when i try, im smart but im not as quick as i should be, im a fun time to be around, i can be useful. hard when youre surrounded by a bunch of brilliant people, but they push me to do better and i love them. 

[matthew-eleventhirty]

ive been down a lot lately. i dont really know whats going on with me, but ive been incredibly upset. last night was the first night in a while that i got seriously nauceous and gagged. i feel like im slowly pushing into my room and not doing my work or going outside or making plans with friends. i just dont know what is wrong with me. it could be because i feel like im failing most of my classes, or that i decide to hang out with friends during my breaks instead of doing work by myself. i should really do my homework now and start my paper thats due monday. i think i just need one good night by myself to reset. i also cannot wait until summer. but thats a month and i havent ran once. i need new shoes but im so poor

i just really need to get back on top of my shit. and im getting there, im constantly pushing, but maybe not enough. my next round of tests are coming soon and i need to prepare or else i can kiss my scholarship goodby again. i just cant handle physics. i cant its the worst part of my classes. i really want an a in all of my classes or even an A-,, but lets be real i dont know how i could pull that off. im sick of seeing B’s especially in my major. i want As, i can do As. 

[matthew-eleventhirty]

fellin overwhelmed

for the past few weeks, my ex has been in my dreams. in some im telling him off in others were friends and in others were still together? i dont know what to make of it. but maybe thats because i dont know what to make of my feelings now. i dont want to be in a relationship, but i feel lonely even when im around my friends. i shouldnt have taken our relationship so seriously but i couldnt helo myself i really thought we were gonna get married. he was such a dick. i just feel cheated and its hard to get through my day without realizing some new things- about me and any sort of relationship. for the first time in my life i dont want to be in a relationship, which is pretty liberating but i want to focus on me. i need to focus on school, getting a system together and dealing with the real world. 

i added on an extra shift, which doesnt affect my schoolwork so much it affects my sleep schedule. i feel extra tired and sunday nights i always feel behind.. but i think i just need a day to figure out what the fuck i have to do. i want a higher grade in all of my classes, but how could i do that? i just want school to be over with already but i want the best grades possible and thats so difficult. 

who the fuck am i kidding i hate myself i hate what i do to myself i hate that i cant just get my shit together i hate that i emotionally rely on others and not myself i hate that i can physically get by by myself. sometimes people tell me that im so strong when i go through some tough shit and that i have the best feelings, but i dont anymore i cant im right back to where i was a few semesters ago. i had a lot of dark feelings today and i havent had those in a while. i just cannot stand some of the things that i do or say. im so upset and im so scared and im so frustrated and i want my sister.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i just got back from london and let me tell you i had the absolute best time. did we go sightseeing like tourists no but we stayed there like how people actually stay there. i just love how me and her are to the point that we can just chill and hang out and have fun. but being there made me notice something. i would never have ever have ever would have noticed this if billy hadnt broken up with me, if i would have a picture perfect idea of my life even. i just thought oh shit i could live here and have friends anywhere. i could literally live here and just do me and have a great time and my friends and family visits and we ca go to different countries on some weekends and itll be so much fun! and i can do that bc why the fuck not? if i go to boston thats it thats my life.. i just dont want it to come to an end like that and i definitely know id have a travel buddy if they wanted to cime along.. im not making sense anymore im delusional this is an out of body experience good night

[matthew-eleventhirty]

there are some times that i look around at what i have- friends, family, experiences, moments, laughs- and i am just the happiest person on the face of the earth. my breakup with billy although i am suffiently over it, comes up some times but i absolutely adore the fact that all of my friends came to mty defense or kept me aware and i just absolutely love all of them. i thought i didnt have that kind of relationship with some people who came to my rescue, but i love that i did. im having a glass of wine while i pack with my sister and my best friend. im heading off to london for a week to spend it with my other best friend! i havennt seen her in soooo long and she helps me for soso much! i absolutely love her, adore her even, shes so amazing like absolutely amazing she was the first person i told about billy she was the last person i called before the breakup. i love her so much she has my back so much i have owe her for everything theres no way i could have dealt with so much without her. like i have the best time doing everything with her! weve been through some difficult areas of course and most my fault but dear god do i love her she is defintely going to be a bridesmaid at my wedding theres so way i couldnt have her as one.

other than that, i broke down yesterday at school after my physics test. i had to be by myself for a little to calm down, i have just been so rushed for everything with minimal motivation and its so tiring. but my best friend at school texted me asking if i was okay and when i met up with him, he had our friend david with him and like the second they asked if we were okay i just cried completely broke down. then what made me cry again was the fact that chris was just so sweet to me on wednesday night, like rubbing my back, playing with my hair, and giving me a kiss on the forehead. it was just the most amount of affection that idk how to describe it but clicked and worked in the longest time even before billy broke up with me i was just left speechless like changed i guess and it was so weird and i was so happy and i liked it so much and i dont know i just cant describe but i just loved it and couldnt process it well. there are some things i do for the hopes that billys friends sees and sends to him, but thats starting to shift and im really glad im getting over him well. the only thing i do have to get over is the throwing up but i have no idea what even triggers it. i need to eat something i havent eaten since 1.