mattiboyd - Tumblr blog

[mattiboyd]

imagine being kevin day, son of exy, born and bred to be a cog in the well-oiled machine that is the edgar allan ravens. all you know being the routine of practice and practice and practice and performance and victory alongside those you call brothers.

-and then one day you wake up in your estranged father's apartment between a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of vodka and there is a knot of bandages where your future used to be. you don't wake up at 4am anymore. you sleep until noon and vomit the remainders of life as you knew it into unfamiliar toilets. you watch orange and white clash against each other from sidelines you haven't touched since you started growing facial hair.

your brother doesn't ask you to come home. you would come if he asked. the days are longer here and the food is too rich. the colors are too harsh, the language barrier is too much. you speak and no one understands.

they feel sorry for you, but not for what you have lost, instead for what you have suffered. you try to show them what belonging means, to sever parts of yourself to fit inside a uniform, but they don't understand the necessity of the blade the way your brothers did. they don't understand that suffering feels religious if you do it right.

the therapist tells you it's survivor's guilt but the only survivors you can see are on the court in black and red and they read your eulogy after the game at a press conference. you are not a survivor in any way that matters anymore. how treacherous your heart is for continuing to beat when you can't even hold your lifeline in your hand without dropping it.

you want to go home but your key doesn't open the same door anymore. you want to sit beside your brother but there is no space on his side of the table. you want to be a raven but you are a fox.

you grieve for connection until there is a knife where your neck guard used to sit. you grieve for your life until a boy offers to show you how it feels to survive. you offer to show him how it feels to live. he tells you he won't sever parts of himself to fit the uniform, but there are telltale bloodstains in the fabric from long before you asked.

you wake up at 4am again. you take turns vomiting in the toilet, you when the alcohol level dips too low and him when his smile runs out. he doesn't speak your language but he understands it. he keeps the car running when you visit the therapist. he keeps an eye on your back to watch the 02 on your jersey turn orange. the colors don't seem as harsh anymore.

he offers you safety. he offers you belonging. he offers you the only thing he knows how to give, the only thing you know how to take.

he offers you a lifeline. you pick it up with your right hand.

[mattiboyd]

something something height difference something?

[mattiboyd]

38% of good road trips end with burying a friend in a shallow grave in a parking lot

[mattiboyd]

lil Howl's Moving Castle Andreil inspired by @s-hanna-h AU!!

[mattiboyd]

riko: 'mine and kevin's relationship is unique'

neil: 'was unique. was.'

sick over the fact that this is canon

[mattiboyd]

[hands you these] part 86

[mattiboyd]

thought i'd try a different approach this time!

voting isn't enough, you still have to interact with the post if you want your choice to happen~

[mattiboyd]

i often wonder whether the reason wymack is so lenient with andrew is bc andrew reminds him so much of himself. he’s fiercely, violently protective - something wymack can understand, as he beat his dad up for hurting his mother - and andrew is honestly a lot more aligned in the giving-people-an-extra-chance-than-they-thought-they’d-get ideology than the upperclassmen are.

think, andrew only accepting the fox contract bc nicky and aaron could get their degrees as well - something that would have been years off for aaron without a scholarship, and wouldn’t have been done at all (at least, not in the states) for nicky. think, kevin getting the chance to learn to stand on his own feet, neil getting the chance to learn to stop running, both bc of andrew. even his method of getting aaron clean gives aaron the chance to do what he wants with his life - though, it obviously could’ve been handled better, i believe that andrew chose to lock aaron in the bathroom because he knew that aaron wanted to go to med school, to become a doctor, which would have become a lot more difficult if he’d had rehab on his record. even with matt, though again his methods aren’t great, andrew gives him the opportunity to get sober for good. he’s constantly giving people the chance to deal with their issues for good, not by coddling them but by forcing them to turn around and face them head on. as far as giving out extra chances at life goes, that’s a pretty solid way to get people to turn their own life around for the better.

in fact, andrew goes out of his way to tell renee that he won’t break his neck for the upperclassmen, so that renee knows she should watch their backs. he didn’t have to tell her anything, he could’ve just left them all to their own devices, but he still gave them the opportunity for safety even tho they’d already written him off completely by that point.

idk maybe this analysis is off and ppl don’t agree with me but even in the books andrew is said to be ‘collecting strays’, which is exactly what wymack does.

just - wymack and andrew are very similar, and i love their relationship to bits.

[mattiboyd]

Katelyn makes Aaron do skincare routines with her btw

[mattiboyd]

kind of obsessed w this implication from tsc that Neil has friends/is friendly with other people outside of the Foxes.

I would not put it past Neil at all to simply leave out from his narration that he would occasionally talk to the other athletes on their dorm floor in favor of talking about the Foxes and Andrew, but thanks to Jean there’s proof

[mattiboyd]

Neil Josten you’ll always be famous

[mattiboyd]

If I had a nickel for everytime one of the Minyard twins used a racquet to save someone they love, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.

[mattiboyd]

im obsessed with twitter aus rn so i could not resist <3 enjoy

[mattiboyd]

Thinking about how in the nest Kevin used to distract the ravens from Jean being injured by being a raging bitch. Also how when the FBI showed up in LA after Jean had gotten the news about Elodie, Neil kept the attention on himself by being an insufferable little shit so Jean could hold it together

[mattiboyd]

Every time I think about Nicky from AFTG I wanna cry a little.

This kid, who knows he’s gay but has been sent to conversion therapy for so many years. Who’s so happy and excited but grew up in a house full of cold furniture and colder people.

Who applied to a study abroad program as a last ditch effort to get away, to get out, only to meet the Klose family who is so excited and happy for him, who love him and support him, who have an openly gay son that they love unapologetically.

Nicky, who found a new family to love him and support him. Nicky, who got away from all the horror in the states. Nicky, who finally could accept who he was and love himself.

And he immediately dropped all of it to save Andrew and Aaron from his father. He couldn’t save his younger self, but he could save his cousins.

His cousins, one who’s apathetic and suicidal and violent, and the other who spits anger and hatred at him the same way his father did all those years. Nicky leaves Germany, his home and family, to save Andrew and Aaron.

Nicky, who works two jobs and begs his boyfriend to help him buy a house in America, where he has no intention of staying.

Nicky, who uses his happiness and bubbly personality as a shield from the vitriol his cousin spits at him, so reminiscent of his father.

Nicky, who gets cornered by 3 men after work, terrified in the alleyway, till Andrew beats the shit out of them. He watches, horror and relief in his throat, as Andrew just keeps going, until the police are there and the men aren’t getting up and Andrew’s in handcuffs.

Nicky, who watches as the only family that seems to care about him gets put on medication that sends him higher than a kite, forces him to become someone else.

Nicky, who never gives up hope that his parents will love him again, that they’ll welcome him back again.

Nicky, whose hopes for forgiveness from his parents irreparably hurt his cousin, the only one in America that really cares about him.

[mattiboyd]

my kink is people taking care of kevin

[mattiboyd]

Moving on