mayazihni - Tumblr blog

[mayazihni]

Jeff ~ I know this is a long shot and who knows if you’ll even see this, but I’d love it if you’d reach out again. I’ve been thinking about you and am sorry for what i did to upset you. xo

[mayazihni]

Thank you for calling me today and for apologizing for things you needed to apologize for.

Thank you for giving me the distance I need, and for giving us a path back to our friendship in time. I think it would be easier if we knew how to quit each other, but I can’t wait to be able to get back to us.

[mayazihni]

I hate that you made me fall in love with you. I hate that you took advantage of our friendship when you were low and never took responsibility for screwing it up. I hate that i lost you.

What i hate most of all is that if you kissed me again I’d give you my soul for eternity.

[mayazihni]

Your birthday is tomorrow.

It is taking all my self control to not reach out, to at least say Happy Birthday.

But you lost that privilege when you leaned on me to save your life and when I needed the same help you wouldn’t be here for me.

You said over and over again that you wanted to be, but that you can’t be near me because of the sexual things you’d like to do to me. You can’t risk cheating on your girlfriend.

So. YOU got to decide it was okay to kiss me, to encourage my submission, to be my Daddy, and all the while I was losing my friend.

I really hope you miss me tomorrow. Maybe that’s cruel, but it’s no more cruel than your treatment of me.

[mayazihni]

I am afraid I'll love you forever and never be in the same room with you again.

[mayazihni]

I don't understand humanity. I don't understand how easily cruelty comes to so many people. I wish that I wasn't so sensitive, but I will never understand how people can be so cruel. I know that, especially as we get older, everyone has their own baggage and walls and barriers, but that's never an excuse for casual cruelty. Why would you unsolicitedly offer to comfort me, make me feel like I'm in a safe space, make me feel soft, then block me as soon as I felt safety.

I know my asking is ridiculous naivete, but I just don't understand.

But how is anyone supposed to get over so much devastating heartbreak? My first love told, not all that long ago, that I'm the best person he knows, he loves me so much, but that he could never be with me because he would be constantly terrified of letting me down. He also told me that no matter how much he hurt, he would never unalive himself because he could never do that to me or his Dad. WTF.

One of my favorite people on earth told me I saved his life in 2022 when he was going through a devastating divorce. Now that I need lifesaving (due to immense pressure at work that has me worried it will kill me), he can't be here for me because he's afraid to be in the same room with me because he won't be able to keep his hands off me (and he's in a relationship with someone who is not me). Again, WTF.

I'm exhausted. Waiting for the numbness to set in because it has to be better than bursting into tears at the drop of a hat.

I just feel so utterly alone. I have a great support network and all that, but when it comes to my soul, I feel so completely alone.

[mayazihni]

I wish I didn’t have to be so hard all the time. I’d love to be able to be soft. Vulnerable.

[mayazihni]

I’m tired of having to be strong all the time.

Of letting things go instead of being able to acknowledge things that bother me.

Of unrequited love.

Of pretending my heart isn’t breaking into a thousand pieces every time you talk about how well it’s going with E.

Of submitting so fully to your Dominance even though you’re with someone else.

I will never understand why I wasn’t an option.

[mayazihni]

At some point last year I decided I needed to get serious about finding my own Dominant. I've always been incredibly turned on by the act of submission and giving myself fully over to someone else. I didn't realize until pretty recently that normal romantic relationships don't excite me the way the D/s dynamic does. There's no feeling in the world like sub space and I desperately crave it more & more. I don't have a lot of real life experience being a submissive, but a good friend of mine has acted as a Dom for me over the last year or so and I'm becoming addicted to the sensuality and safety of sub space.

But that dynamic wasn't going to be sustainable in the long run. He has a lovely girlfriend and I started developing romantic feelings for him (which had to be inevitable, what with my mind and body stripped completely naked by and for him).

My challenge thus far, in my sexual and romantic lives, is not getting too attached to people. I've always found it difficult to differentiate between just sex and real intimacy, and it's made even more difficult within the D/s dynamic.

Absolute openness and honesty and vulnerability is vital to any real power play dynamic. There's nothing more erotic than giving yourself over to that, but that also makes it harder to see the situations clearly sometimes.

I was recently corresponding with a Dom I really wanted to be mine. He pushed me out of my comfort zone and left me wet only with his words. His account was deactivated in the middle of a chat one day and I don't think I'll ever know if he deactivated it or if the tumblr police did. But when I tried to respond to him and was unable to, I felt like I literally couldn't breathe.

Sub space is a challenging concept, and at least for me, sub space makes it even more difficult to keep your wits about you and to not feel too much and to always keep a line drawn between fantasy and reality.

Why am I writing all this? Most probably as therapy of sorts. But I do really want to find a real Dom this year who will actively choose me every day we're together.

Fingers and nipples crossed. Happy New Year, Everyone!

[mayazihni]

i wish that was me in the collar. She looks so happy.