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[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 8

My sophomore year I continued my streak of self-harm and I was still seen as a bad daughter in the eyes or my mother. I know for a fact that all of her friends had one of two opinions of me, the good kid that cared enough to help her mother or the horrible daughter that treated her poor and hopeless mother like shit. At that point my mother had noticed the cuts on my arms but instead of either talking to me about it or trying to get me help, she made fun of me. She said I was an attention-whore. That I was stupid. That if I loved cutting myself so much I should just put my hand in a blender. She suggested that I walk in font of a moving train. She constantly reminded me that she had three little kids so her world wasn't gonna stop because I was "depressed". I remember one day I stayed up all night watching a Korean drama and the next day I had to wash all of the dirty clothes but it wasn't just my dirty clothes. It was her's, my two sister's, my step dad's and my little brother's. I told her I was tired and asked if it would be okay if I washed all the clothes in the afternoon, she got upset and started insulting me by calling lazy. Stupid. Dumbass, among other things. I know being called a dumbass or stupid or even lazy doesn't sound so bad, right? Have you heard how bad these insults sound in Spanish...? Yeah.. she made my self esteem go from 0 to -100. Junior year I joined Color Guard, it was the only distraction I had at that point. I actually enjoyed it, I learned how to do my make up and I real confidence for once. Between freshman year and sophomore year I dated a few guys but none of those relationships lasted more than a few weeks because being sexual with the other person made me feel incredibly unconformable, which is why I won't mention them. However, during my junior year I made the biggest mistake out of any relationships I've ever been in. I developed feelings for a friend. This friend was quite funny and I thought he was very unique. I loved his ideas, his way of thinking. He was so nice, I never heard him curse or say anything sexual. Maybe it was the fact that he was the type of person I wish I could be that I developed feelings for him. We went to our homecoming dance together and that night he asked me to be his girlfriend, for a few months I was actually happy. Unfortunately, like with many of my past relationships, my own personal issues got in the way. See, I knew this relationship wouldn't last. Not because we were so different or something but because I was jealous of him. Jealous that I couldn't be the type of person he was. It was then that I realize I never really emotionally or romantically liked him, I just wanted to be a part of his world to see what it would be like. To get even the slightest taste of what the world would be like if I were like him. I was always dependent on the people around me to be happy. One day my step dad tried to hit my second youngest sister with a steel boot, I couldn't just sit there and watch him try and beat my 6 year old sister. He grabbed me by the neck and my mom ended up calling the police. The officer told me my step dad had the right to discipline my siblings and he could discipline me too if he wanted to. I called my boyfriend at the time to not ask for help but for company. All he could say was to calm down as I tears poured out of my eyes. What else should I have expected? Of course he didn't know what to say. How could he? He wasn't in my situation, he wasn't going through it. Even so, I wished he was in my situation so he could know how I felt. I wanted someone to understand how much it hurt. I thought about how fortunate he was to simply be in his room listening to some music, not worrying about anything while I was breaking down. I think I started to hated him a little when he told me everything would be okay because up until that point, nothing has ever been okay. We broke up senior year and after that everything went down hill. Not because of the break up, we ended our relationship on good terms. Up to this day I regret dating him because he was such a great, funny and very feminine guy that made me look extra manly. He highlighted everything I wasn't. Everything I wanted to be. I still question if he was gay until the end but it didn't really matter because he was a great person regardless. It wouldn't have worked out because we never really kissed we only held hands and hung out at his house from time to time. Everything went down hill when I met a guy younger than me, he was very fucking clingy and by clingy I mean the type that acted like they can't have enough of you. I'll call this guy Axel. Axel randomly added me on Facebook one day and I immediately gave into my loneliness that I found the idea of him attractive. I hit him up with the typical, "Do I know you?" Mainly out of curiosity. He promptly answered and he told me about himself, turns out we had been in the same middle school and high school. I never encountered him, however. He was actually the son of one of my previous teachers, we ended up talking for hours. He asked me out right way but before I could even say yes, I asked around about him and everyone told me he was the nicest person ever. Part of me felt so lucky a good looking guy who liked a lot of the music I liked had been checking me out and looked me up on Facebook. We went to the movies once and once was good enough to make me lose interest, this guy literally sucked on my face for the entire movie. I've never felt so embarrassed. People would look at us and I could hear them whisper about us, it was like we were practically having sex in the theater. When the movie ended I just wanted to run out and hide under a rock. Soon he wanted me to have lunch with his friends but I didn't like the idea so I suggested he sit with them if he wanted to, I didn't really have time to socialize anyway since being the vice president of the yearbook club was actually busy work towards the end of the school year. Axel got bored of me quick because by the that time he was already ignoring my texts and he already had another girlfriend. He could have at least let me know i was done. After that break up, I didn't even realize it was Thanksgiving already, time flies when so much is going on. Axel ends up messaging me and we got back together. However, this time we didn't even last a day, I made up my mind that I was done with him and broke it off and deleted him on all my social media.

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 7

My sophomore year I continued my streak of self-harm and I was still seen as a bad daughter in the eyes or my mother. I know for a fact that all of her friends had one of two opinions of me, the good kid that cared enough to help her mother or the horrible daughter that treated her poor and hopeless mother like shit. At that point my mother had noticed the cuts on my arms but instead of either talking to me about it or trying to get me help, she made fun of me. She said I was an attention-whore. That I was stupid. That if I loved cutting myself so much I should just put my hand in a blender. She suggested that I walk in font of a moving train. She constantly reminded me that she had three little kids so her world wasn't gonna stop because I was "depressed". I remember one day I stayed up all night watching a Korean drama and the next day I had to wash all of the dirty clothes but it wasn't just my dirty clothes. It was her's, my two sister's, my step dad's and my little brother's. I told her I was tired and asked if it would be okay if I washed all the clothes in the afternoon, she got upset and started insulting me by calling lazy. Stupid. Dumbass, among other things. I know being called a dumbass or stupid or even lazy doesn't sound so bad, right? Have you heard how bad these insults sound in Spanish...? Yeah.. she made my self esteem go from 0 to -100. Junior year I joined Color Guard, it was the only distraction I had at that point. I actually enjoyed it, I learned how to do my make up and I real confidence for once. Between freshman year and sophomore year I dated a few guys but none of those relationships lasted more than a few weeks because being sexual with the other person made me feel incredibly unconformable, which is why I won't mention them. However, during my junior year I made the biggest mistake out of any relationships I've ever been in. I developed feelings for a friend. This friend was quite funny and I thought he was very unique. I loved his ideas, his way of thinking. He was so nice, I never heard him curse or say anything sexual. Maybe it was the fact that he was the type of person I wish I could be that I developed feelings for him. We went to our homecoming dance together and that night he asked me to be his girlfriend, for a few months I was actually happy. Unfortunately, like with many of my past relationships, my own personal issues got in the way. See, I knew this relationship wouldn't last. Not because we were so different or something but because I was jealous of him. Jealous that I couldn't be the type of person he was. It was then that I realize I never really emotionally or romantically liked him, I just wanted to be a part of his world to see what it would be like. To get even the slightest taste of what the world would be like if I were like him. I was always dependent on the people around me to be happy. One day my step dad tried to hit my second youngest sister with a steel boot, I couldn't just sit there and watch him try and beat my 6 year old sister. He grabbed me by the neck and my mom ended up calling the police. The officer told me my step dad had the right to discipline my siblings and he could discipline me too if he wanted to. I called my boyfriend at the time to not ask for help but for company. All he could say was to calm down as I tears poured out of my eyes. What else should I have expected? Of course he didn't know what to say. How could he? He wasn't in my situation, he wasn't going through it. Even so, I wished he was in my situation so he could know how I felt. I wanted someone to understand how much it hurt. I thought about how fortunate he was to simply be in his room listening to some music, not worrying about anything while I was breaking down. I think I started to hated him a little when he told me everything would be okay because up until that point, nothing has ever been okay. We broke up senior year and after that everything went down hill. Not because of the break up, we ended our relationship on good terms. Up to this day I regret dating him because he was such a great, funny and very feminine guy that made me look extra manly. He highlighted everything I wasn't. Everything I wanted to be. I still question if he was gay until the end but it didn't really matter because he was a great person regardless. It wouldn't have worked out because we never really kissed we only held hands and hung out at his house from time to time. Everything went down hill when I met a guy younger than me, he was very fucking clingy and by clingy I mean the type that acted like they can't have enough of you. I'll call this guy Axel. Axel randomly added me on Facebook one day and I immediately gave into my loneliness that I found the idea of him attractive. I hit him up with the typical, "Do I know you?" Mainly out of curiosity. He promptly answered and he told me about himself, turns out we had been in the same middle school and high school. I never encountered him, however. He was actually the son of one of my previous teachers, we ended up talking for hours. He asked me out right way but before I could even say yes, I asked around about him and everyone told me he was the nicest person ever. Part of me felt so lucky a good looking guy who liked a lot of the music I liked had been checking me out and looked me up on Facebook. We went to the movies once and once was good enough to make me lose interest, this guy literally sucked on my face for the entire movie. I've never felt so embarrassed. People would look at us and I could hear them whisper about us, it was like we were practically having sex in the theater. When the movie ended I just wanted to run out and hide under a rock. Soon he wanted me to have lunch with his friends but I didn't like the idea so I suggested he sit with them if he wanted to, I didn't really have time to socialize anyway since being the vice president of the yearbook club was actually busy work towards the end of the school year. Axel got bored of me quick because by the that time he was already ignoring my texts and he already had another girlfriend. He could have at least let me know i was done. After that break up, I didn't even realize it was Thanksgiving already, time flies when so much is going on. Axel ends up messaging me and we got back together. However, this time we didn't even last a day, I made up my mind that I was done with him and broke it off and deleted him on all my social media.

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 6

Almost a year had passed when my step dad came back. My mother had a job, my brother was around two and my sister was now almost a year old. We were living off of government benefits and we were doing well enough for ourselves. However, one day as we were watching TV, the phone rings. It was a man. He had a very thick, almost raspy, voice. The first thing I said was, "dad?" and in that moment flashbacks came back. I hung up. My mother, with tears in her eyes, asked if it was him. I immediately told her it was just a prank call, her hopeful face quickly shifted into disappointment. However, I knew the man I once called Dad was in fact the man on the phone, the same man that had betrayed me. He wasn't my biological father but I trusted him. I loved him, I waited for him to return from work. I had pride when I called him "my dad". Still, he snuck into my room and molested me, shattered whatever image I had of him, shattered the trust I once had in him! If I hadn't woken up, he would have taken full advantage of me. The phone rang once again....it was him. This time my mother had answered and she quickly recognized his voice. I walked away with tears rolling down my cheeks. In only a few days, he wormed his way back into our house acting as if we were his family. As if he had not been gone for almost a year. My mom quickly quit her job and went back to being a house wife. My freshman year in High School I had my first boyfriend and looking back at it, it wasn't so amazing. I was what you would call a punk/emo kid that would only wear t-shirts of metal bands that would actually listen to, I still do. My hair was the grossest thing ever, it was tangled with a lot of hairspray. I wore high top punk rose shoes or dirty black converse with checker printed shoe laces. My closet was all blue skinny jean and Hot Topic t-shirts. To be honest, I had no idea how I managed to get a boyfriend while looking like that. He was just as weird as me when it came to looks and music but out personalities were different. He had short hair brushed to the side, your typical "I'm a poser emo kid" kind of hairstyle. His name? Well, its not important since he was just one of the insignificant High School "relationships". See, I was a weird and immature little shit but he was also weird, it would only make sense that a weird guy like that would be interested in me. At first, I really did like him. I remember how shy I felt when I first saw him and when I was introduced to him. I was so nervous that I felt like throwing up. I was also his first girlfriend so he didn't know how to kiss either which made our first kiss somewhat special. The things that ended up making me lose interest was the fact that I was one person at school and a different one at home, our relationship was the fakest thing ever. The second thing was that he was very perverted, he talked about masturbating and watching porn. He once asked if I would "blow him". I can't fully blame the fool, I foolishly told him about how I was molested when I was younger and his response was as typical a meat-headed guy's answer could be. Our relationship didn't really last long because he was already shifting his attention other girls, why wouldn't he? Teenagers have the attention span of a squirrel. Meanwhile I consumed by my family issues that led me to constantly self harm and even to tell him that I wanted to commit suicide. He must of thought I was just playing the role of the emo kid, after all, I did dress like one. He had no idea how seriously I was contemplating it. Although I didn't care much about our relationship at that point, being alone made me desperate for company, so desperate that I constantly begged him to give me another chance and he did but later on we broke up once again. I cried for weeks after that, I wondered how lousy of a person I must have been for not even that guy to like me. For my 15th birthday my mom went all out spending money we didn't have in order to have a party I didn't want. She dressed me in pink and made me dance the father-daughter dance with my step dad. After the party was over a friend had spent the night and, of course, my step dad was drunk. He yanked me around and told me off in front of my friend. The next day my mom acted like it was my fault and even took away the money they had given me for my birthday to pay the rent. She noticed the bruises he had left on my arm when he yanked me around and blamed for that as well. Months after, I was back to being single, things were the same except this time my step dad was actually drinking and acting violent towards us. One day when he was very drunk he was insulting my mom and I remember telling him to shut up. He tried to hit me. My mom tried to stop him but instead attacked her. I got in between them since by now my three younger siblings were crying and witnessing my step dad attempting to hurt our mother. He pushed me into a cardboard wall and we both ended up breaking it. He grabbed me by my neck but I managed to break way from his clutches. By that time, I was already blinded by rage that managed to throw him onto the sofa and I punched him a few times but all I could hear was his laughter. My mother called the police and he was arrested that night. A few days later he sends a letter to my mother from jail apologizing and wishing he could take it all back. He even managed to "apologize" to me. Of course, my mother sold the TV to get that waste of a human out of jail.

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 5

Loneliness is the worst feeling. Despite everything, I've always been alone. Months after my mom’s now 3rd ex-husband had left us, she left us too. My mom had the wonderful idea to move to another city in Texas as my one-month-old baby brother and I stayed behind, once again thrown into a random home with random strangers. This home was a typical Mexican-American home, I wasn't molested or mistreated but I was lonely. I started acting up and, of course, the woman of the house didn't take my shit so days later I was sent to a woman that was very nice while my little brother stayed in the other house. Even though it made me sad to be away from my baby brother, I was I didn't feel lonely anymore. This woman gave me attention, she never got after me and she understood me. The school year ended and my mom suddenly showed up with a tall dark man. He was a truck driver. I was asked to get my stuff so I did. By the next day we were in a new city Edinburg, TX. We were in a new house. Night came and I remember my mom telling me that she would be back. I hadn't seen my mom for moths and just like that she was leaving me behind with some strangers. I cried, I was afraid, but my mom didn't feel any kind of sympathy. Months after my mom was pregnant the tall man married my mom and he was very nice. His name was Eleazar. Eleazar, who I now called dad, was what I wanted my dad to be like. He was funny, understanding, he took us to the park, bought us toys and for the first time in my life my last few year of childhood were different. One day, Eleazar left and he didn't come back for days, days became weeks and weeks became months. Soon after, my mom decided to move, we moved to a small town, La Sara TX. La Sara is one of the worst towns I've ever lived in. This town was so fucking small that everyone knew each other. Most of the population was white or Mexican. However, even the Mexicans were assholes. On my first day in school, I was popular, everyone wanted to be my friend. We had so many field trips and everything was fun. We went to visit a college in San Antonio and I remember there was a science fair where we made slime. A girl named Ada took my slime away and I remember being so upset about it that I ignored everyone the whole trip back. Monday came and I didn't even remember that they had made me upset. I remember going up to Ada and saying "hi" but she ignored me. In P.E, as we played, I remember making a comment about a girl having really pretty eyes and right after P.E Ada and some other girls started to accuse me of calling the girl with the pretty eyes ugly. Eleazar came back and my mom gave birth to my sister a week after his arrival. Things were no longer the same. Eleazar wasn't nice anymore, I was being bullied at school so bad but no one noticed. Since the town was so small, Pre-K through high school shared the same school building. I was now in middle school and my only friend was a 3rd grader, I had so many bullies that I didn’t even know some of the people that hated me. There was a boy a grade higher than me. Emiliano. He was the older brother of a girl named Victoria, she wasn't my bully but didn't like me either. Emiliano was my first crush and he seemed to like me too, at least that's what I was told. Later, I found out it was just a lie to make fun of me. Everyone made fun of me, even the high school students. Jackie was the sister of the girl I was accused of calling ugly, I assumed that was the reason she started to dislike me. Otherwise, I don't have a valid reason for her and her group of friends to make my life a living hell. On my birthday, since I didn't have any friends, my mom celebrated by inviting HER friends. Everyone got drunk, my mom was so drunk she couldn't even hold her food in. I was 11 now. It was the middle of the night and I suddenly feel a hand rubbing my back and slowly making its way to my ass. When I open my eyes as my vision adjusted I see the tall dark man act a bit nervous. I hear my mom throwing up. I look at Eleazar, who I can now see clear enough. I began to cry, the man I called father had just tried to touch me. He would have done more if I wouldn't have woken up. I go and try to talk to my mom but she's very out of it. He calls my aunt and acts like he doesn't know why I'm crying. My aunt Raquel shows up and I tell her, she stays with me till I sleep. The next morning my mom was in a bad mood screaming at me and asking me to do so many things at once. Like any other kid, I made a face and that was enough for my aunt Raquel to judge me and it's enough for her to laugh at the fact that I'm such a brat that I would go as far as trying to accuse Eleazar of touching me. The bullying at school got worse, I was now being labeled as a lesbian and no girl would talk to me because they didn't want to be contaminated by the "lesbian girl". My bullies paid my only friend to accuse me of bullying her so I ended up getting in trouble. The principal screamed at me in front of everyone in the office. I remember crying so much that I was so ashamed so I guess someone must have felt bad because they came clean and told the principal that I had not been bullying anyone but I never got an apology. Either way, it wouldn't have made a difference. A month later a CPS worker shows up at my school, my aunt had told the neighbor about my stepdad and so he called CPS. I tried to lie and told them that it wasn't true but I started crying because I knew that lying wouldn't make it untrue. The bell rang and I was told that I wouldn't be going back home. The social worker and some other man were waiting for me after school. They drove me to the next town ahead, Raymondville TX. I was left with a woman, my mom gave her legal custody and I was moved to the school in that town. One great thing came out of being put with a foster family, I wasn't being bullied. Two months passed by and I was doing great in school but emotionally ...I wasn't. I hadn't seen my mom or my siblings for those two months. Suddenly I was placed with another family back in La Sara, I was moved back to the school the bullying started again. Eliazar couldn't live with my mom so she was also struggling. She would blame me for "lying" she claimed I didn't want her to be happy. Eventually, i had to lie and so I told the social worker that I had made up the story and my stepdad had never in any way had tried to touch me. I was put back into my mom's custody and a week after we moved to Brownsville Tx. Eleazar was arrested in New York for failure to pay child support for the kids he had with his ex-wife. My mom would cry day and night for him. Until eventually he came back.

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 4

Dear Steph, I just don't know how much to thank you. You have been, so far, the only person that has never left my side. We met in the 7th grade, we had math together, we didn't really talk ...our friendship didn't start there. It was our senior year, I had left my house because my mom's choices were driving me crazy. I ran to the only friend I thought would help me but she didn't even care enough to help me out. The only option was to stay in the house of the only other person I hated or to go back to the shit hole I knew I was never going to get out of. I was doing drugs and I was drinking every day. You have never been a fan of drugs or alcohol, so you questioned the type of lifestyle I was choosing to live. I remember telling you that it was the only way I felt like I could forget. I could no longer trust, I couldn't trust the people I was staying with and I couldn't trust myself. My plan was to stop giving a fuck and eventually end my life. I thought, “What is the point? Why should I keep going?” I've already been broken in so many fucking ways I can't keep going I don't want to keep going. Despite all that, you gave me hope. I remember you invited me to sleep over and you did the one thing you had never done before, you asked your parents to let me stay there...and they did. You're like no other, I honestly wish we could have been sisters in another life. I'm sure we are. I just don't get how your siblings can't see just how much of a badass you are as a friend and as a sister. So think of me as your sister, because I will never hate you like they do, I will never judge you like they do, I will never turn my back on you like they did. As a matter of fact, I'm happy you ended up with Derrick, he is an amazing guy. Who cares if your brother was crazy in love with him, sounds more like he was obsessed. Derrick isn't gay so the idea that your brother had of somehow ending up with him was a bit psycho. Karina is just one jealous fat bitch and I just don't get how exactly you did any wrong to her or to Poncho. Their selfishness and the fact that they are grown ass adults acting as if they were still in High School is one of the things that bothers me the most. You at least left your house, you're working and you and Derick have a life of your own. What have they accomplished? They're going to be 40 in 15 years and they still live at your parent's house. They don't have jobs not to mention they have some other parasite sucking the life out of your parents. They are so freaking fake to the eyes of others, they act like the perfect siblings, I laugh at how fucking fake they act. They still dare to act like that in front of me when I shared a roof with them for almost a year, long enough to see just how fucking fake they are. Now Tinis, I guess he is just in the background, I don't see him as a bad sibling but he hasn't been there for you either. As for Chucho, I hope one day when your parent are no longer around anymore you don't forget about him, he's just a beautiful soul that shouldn't have to be around them. Your parents are just amazing and it bothers me how selfless they are, that's the reason your siblings take advantage. Even so, I'm the same way, which is why I came back to my mom's. I sometimes think what would of it been like if I left with you...but I know myself I would have been a burden. I know you feel like shit sometimes and you get home sick and you want to leave Derrick simply because you feel like you're a like bother to him, but he loves you and everything he does is for you. You guys have had to face so much shit from childish assholes that have no future at all, so don't ever give up. Derrick is one of a kind, there aren't many guys like him. Treasure him as he treasures you and be happy. You deserve nothing more than to be happy, to have a future with the man you love. Don't think about anything else but your happiness because trust me, neither Poncho, Karina or Tinis think of your happiness before theirs. Your parents love and support you and so do I....we are your family. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for becoming the one person that has never left me. I love you and just like you have never left me, I will never leave you either. -Love Frida

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

I'm sorry

Dear Steph, I just don't know how much to thank you. You have been, so far, the only person that has never left my side. We met in the 7th grade, we had math together, we didn't really talk ...our friendship didn't start there. It was our senior year, I had left my house because my mom's choices were driving me crazy. I ran to the only friend I thought would help me but she didn't even care enough to help me out. The only option was to stay in the house of the only other person I hated or to go back to the shit hole I knew I was never going to get out of. I was doing drugs and I was drinking every day. You have never been a fan of drugs or alcohol, so you questioned the type of lifestyle I was choosing to live. I remember telling you that it was the only way I felt like I could forget. I could no longer trust, I couldn't trust the people I was staying with and I couldn't trust myself. My plan was to stop giving a fuck and eventually end my life. I thought, “What is the point? Why should I keep going?” I've already been broken in so many fucking ways I can't keep going I don't want to keep going. Despite all that, you gave me hope. I remember you invited me to sleep over and you did the one thing you had never done before, you asked your parents to let me stay there...and they did. You're like no other, I honestly wish we could have been sisters in another life. I'm sure we are. I just don't get how your siblings can't see just how much of a badass you are as a friend and as a sister. So think of me as your sister, because I will never hate you like they do, I will never judge you like they do, I will never turn my back on you like they did. As a matter of fact, I'm happy you ended up with Derrick, he is an amazing guy. Who cares if your brother was crazy in love with him, sounds more like he was obsessed. Derrick isn't gay so the idea that your brother had of somehow ending up with him was a bit psycho. Karina is just one jealous fat bitch and I just don't get how exactly you did any wrong to her or to Poncho. Their selfishness and the fact that they are grown ass adults acting as if they were still in High School is one of the things that bothers me the most. You at least left your house, you're working and you and Derick have a life of your own. What have they accomplished? They're going to be 40 in 15 years and they still live at your parent's house. They don't have jobs not to mention they have some other parasite sucking the life out of your parents. They are so freaking fake to the eyes of others, they act like the perfect siblings, I laugh at how fucking fake they act. They still dare to act like that in front of me when I shared a roof with them for almost a year, long enough to see just how fucking fake they are. Now Tinis, I guess he is just in the background, I don't see him as a bad sibling but he hasn't been there for you either. As for Chucho, I hope one day when your parent are no longer around anymore you don't forget about him, he's just a beautiful soul that shouldn't have to be around them. Your parents are just amazing and it bothers me how selfless they are, that's the reason your siblings take advantage. Even so, I'm the same way, which is why I came back to my mom's. I sometimes think what would of it been like if I left with you...but I know myself I would have been a burden. I know you feel like shit sometimes and you get home sick and you want to leave Derrick simply because you feel like you're a like bother to him, but he loves you and everything he does is for you. You guys have had to face so much shit from childish assholes that have no future at all, so don't ever give up. Derrick is one of a kind, there aren't many guys like him. Treasure him as he treasures you and be happy. You deserve nothing more than to be happy, to have a future with the man you love. Don't think about anything else but your happiness because trust me, neither Poncho, Karina or Tinis think of your happiness before theirs. Your parents love and support you and so do I....we are your family. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for becoming the one person that has never left me. I love you and just like you have never left me, I will never leave you either. -Love Frida

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 3

Her name was Perla. She was tall, skinny and older than me. Perla was my first friend...but also the first dark twisted memory. She was an orphan that had been abandoned in the house I was dumped onto next. Claudia and her twin brother Ivan were also orphans that had also been abandoned. Claudia was an asshole, she hated everyone and everything and Ivan was a regular teenage boy didn't care enough to say more than a few words or bother himself with anything. So how exactly did this assholes hurt me? It all started one night, Perla and I would share a bed, in the same room was another bed where Claudia would sleep. I was now 6 years old and Perla was 13 and like any other girl her age, she was starting to like boys. She started talking about how she had the biggest crush on a boy that lived two blocks away. One thing lead to another and suddenly Perla was on top of me, kissing me, she was bigger and stronger I didn't know what to do...I froze. That night I cried wishing my mom would be there so she could explain to me why a girl had just kissed me, and why it had felt so wrong. The next night Perla told me that she was only practicing so she could be ready for the boy she was so crazy for. She touched, it hurt, I cried and I prayed to god that Claudia would wake up and make her stop but the god I use to pray never seem to be listening. This happened at least three times a week. This time I didn't wet the bed because I was afraid of Rosio’s scary stories, this time I was wetting the bed because there was a real monster constantly hurting me. However, Perla wouldn't be the only monster in that house. Ivan who was 17 years old suddenly decided that he too wanted to touch every part of me. My mom would only visit at least twice a month, she would only stay for 30 minutes and leave. I didn't understand why Ivan and Perla were doing this to me...was it common for people to practice these types of things? I couldn't ask because even the question felt wrong. Perla’s adopted mom was friends with my aunt. My aunt and my cousin came and Perla took my cousin to a room upstairs. I remember we started by "pretending" that he was her husband and I was the maid, she suddenly kissed him and I could see tears dripping down his cheeks it was then that I realize it didn't just feel wrong, IT WAS WRONG. I made up my mind, wrong or not it felt wrong to me and I was going to tell my mom. The next day my mom didn't show up, no call nor an excuse. The morning after I was awakened by my mom I was very surprised to see her, my grandma who at the time had been battling cancer, had passed away. My mom took me back home for at least a week or so just until my grandma was buried. After my grandma's funeral, my mom let me stay home with her for at least three extra days, those three days only felt like one. On the night that she was getting me ready to take me back I decided to tell her, so I did. She didn't believe me, as a matter of fact, she took me to the doorstep of Perla's adopted mother and asked if what I was saying was true. The woman obviously denied it. One good thing did come out of this, I was put in a separate room, the problem was that I was still afraid of both the monsters in the house and the monsters from Rosio's scary stories. One afternoon when I was playing outside, Claudia came along and she looked at me as she laughed. I knew Claudia was a bitch so at the moment her reaction didn't bother me, it was until she kicked me once when I was sitting on the floor playing with my dolls. She kicked me as she said the word "dyke". I didn't know what she meant or what the word dyke meant until I asked my dad about it. Claudia was never asleep, Claudia heard me struggle, heard me cry and she most likely watched as Perla "practiced" with me and did nothing to stop her. In school I met a girl named Susana, she was very poor but her life was an adventure. Little by little my mom let me stay at Susan's place, her parents were so nice that they didn't charge my mom to take care of me. Her parents would let us make houses out of sheets and sleep outside. We would climb trees and imagine a new world. We would draw and create storyies, make clothes for our dolls and so many adventurous things. However, Susana wasn't good enough for my mom. See, even though my mom would always dump me in any house and pay for whoever was there to take care of me, Susana was poor so that made her worthless in my mom's eyes. My mom took me to stay with her for the sole reason that I wouldn't stay or spend any more time with Susana. I would still wet the bed and beg my mom to sleep with her. Regardless of the times, I told my mom that I had been molested. Wetting the bed wasn't an excuse, according to my mom, it was Susan's bad influence to blame for my bed-wetting. I could only see Susana in school and I would beg my dad to take me to her house. Sometimes, even though my parents no longer lived together, my dad would convince my mom to let me spend the night at Susan's so they could go out. I was safe and only for those amazing times, I was able to forget about Rosio’s scary stories and the monsters that had hurt me.

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 2

I was once a spoiled child. The first 4 1/2 years of my life were great. I was daddy's little girl. I was such a brat that if I wanted a burger from a town over my dad would drive 30 minutes just to buy me that burger. I had at least 6 dogs in those 4 years of my life, I had a thing for Ricky Martin so female or male all my dogs were "Living La Vida Loca". My life was great it couldn't get any better than being a little shitbag... so it got worse. As a child, a lot of things just happen that you don't question them. It's until life realizes that you're part of that same lifeline and it makes the decision to fuck you harder than the rest of them. Because I was a little shitbag, I was in private school. My neighbor also happened to attend the same private school, we were in the same grade and the same class. The thing with Betty was that she was humble... I wasn't. I was born to take and demand, at least that's what my parents led me to believe. Betty tried to be my friend and I made fun of the idea of being friends with that motherless girl. How could a kid like me be friends with a girl that couldn't afford to get original brand dolls or socks without holes? I'm sorry Betty. I think about Betty because she was my victim to my arrogance. The arrogance that I would later regret. My dad left and my mom had to work day and night, at least that's what she said, I wouldn't know she dumped me at a woman's house and wouldn't come back for days... weeks...This woman's name was Rosa and her daughter’s name was Rosio. You know when you meet someone and they seem so nice so amazing then they turn out to be the witch from that candy house? That's the best way to describe Rosa and Rosio. Rosio made sure the little brat was gone, Her first lesson was, how much trauma can a 5-year-old take before she starts to wet the bed? She was a fan of scary stories, except I had to hear them for her...in a dark room by myself. Her second lesson was, how long can a 5-year-old last without eating? She would force me to skip meals. I remember the first time my mom came to visit me, I begged her not to leave me. My mom thought that if I had some toys, maybe I would feel better, but the moment my mom left Rosio took them and put them on the roof of her house where I would never be able to see  them again. Her third lesson was, what would a 5-year-old do if I kept her locked up? She put me in a hall and put a wooden pallet in order for me not to get out. I was kept there every day all day until it was time for bed. My mom's birthday came and she didn't come for me. I thought, “ Why wouldn't she want me to celebrate her birthday with her?” 9 PM came, it was dark and ,Rosa Rosio's mom, sends me to bed.At 10 PM and I hear a familiar voice, one I missed, my dad. Rosa was pissed at the fact that he dared to make her get me ready to go visit my mom. We drove to my mom's house and we bought flowers and a cake I was so happy to see her. She wasn't. My mom wasn't happy to see me or my dad. HOW DARE HE INTERRUPT HER PARTY BY BRINGING ME HOME! How can he be so freaking stupid? He should have asked her it's her birthday! The party ended and he didn't take me back to Rosa's house, I slept at home with my mom. Rosa had a tree that she loved, I fucking hated that tree. She would make me pick up all the leaves the fucking tree would shed. One of those days I was determined to put Rosa and Rosio in their place. It was a weekend and as usual, Rosa woke me up to pick up the fucking leaves. For the first time, I saw regret and fear in Rosas face. Rosa didn't like what I had to say, how could a 5-year-old tell her that she was getting paid to take care of her not to have a personal maid?. This must of ticked her off because she slapped me so hard I had a nose bleed. I ran to a house nearby and I cried. I called my dad that day.. he didn't come for me. The next day he showed up with a watermelon gave it to me and told me to stay. As I was carrying the watermelon I dropped it and I remember I cried. Part of me thought that if I ate the watermelon that my dad had given me I would have part of him with me and I wouldn't be alone. One day I told my dad how bad they would treat me and he never took me back. However, life wasn't done just yet, it was just getting started.

[maybeitsnotrealmaybeitis]

Chapter 1

I'm not suicidal or depressed, I'm more like a very sensitive little shit. When people meet me they usually see a stuck up bitch that looks down on everyone, in reality, I'm just a very shy awkward person. I have two best friends Abby and Steph, they don't really know each other and they most likely never will. Steph sees me as a very weak, sensitive poor girl that has had to face so much shit in life and Abby sees me as a bad bitch that takes on the world, in the end, I guess I'm both weak and strong. I'm the type of person that will stand up to anyone for anyone, but when it comes to standing up to anyone for me I lose my courage. I'm not suicidal at least I think I'm not. I haven't tried to kill myself for almost 3 years so that probably means that I'm not... but I do think about it a lot. I use to cut and when I would lose myself, I would just cut my hair eventually I would attempt to take my life. I had two attempts that had so much potential yet didn't work. No one ever found out. I know I'm not going to die at least not thanks to myself. I'm not going to die because I have dreams and hopes. I want to be a famous painter sounds a bit like a child's dream, right? Well, it's one of my dreams, as a career I want to be a vet. I do plan to continue my education, but so far the idea of going back to college makes me very itchy. I haven't been around that many people since I graduated from high school and I really don't want to be around strangers. Just having people stare at me is reason enough to go back home and cry. I daydream a lot, there are times I picture myself with Cris in a house of our own like any typical American family our only child running around playing with Abby's and Steph's future kids. we're all happily drinking, watching a football game in the living room. Then I remember that none of us like football and Steph doesn't want children so I try to daydream a different version of the same thing but I can't. So I bounce back to reality and is that version of my daydream that motivates me to keep going at least for a few days.