mayshaink

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Fertility

     The last time I'd had my period was in January, or before and now it is May.  I have never had a normal cycle, but a several month lapse seemed strange even for me.  Then the thought occurred to me that the damaging side effects I'd read on all my bills bottle finally took.  The same pills that I can feel wearing down my teeth and skin and joins like I'm slowly being buffed by sandpaper.  Thinning out at a higher rate. 

But Friday night I came down with a sudden bug and in the midst of all the other illness, and cramping ended up being my very late monthly friend.  I was relived in a silly almost childish way, even as I spend most of my night with my head in my toilet. 

Honestly when I found out I had Wegener's six years ago, I thought it would be a short run.  I'd live out my last two years traveling, maybe doing some writing, talking to friends, and drinking too much wine before I'd made an a young be graceful exit from this world.  Instead, I am living a longer but limited life.  I don't like the loss that I'm seeing in my body and self that no one else seems to see.  I thought my fertility was just another one.  Not that I'm in a place to have children.  Nor does a period mean that I'm still able to.  But at least for now it is one less thing to completely check off the box. 

It is a strange thing though, even if you never planned on having children, having that option taking away it creates an ache.

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One of my favourite quotes :)

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6.) What has been the toughest criticism given to you as an author? What has been the best compliment?

The negative comments often come from people who just want to cut me down or make me feel bad, and very rarely does it actually have weight. Recently someone told me (in a surprisingly...

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Gotta Love Avicii!

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Writing Tips#167: Six Simple (and Difficult) Tips for Dealing With Writer's Block

Tips by Naomi Originally Posted on: Confessions of an Opinionated Book Geek

Writer’s Block is one of the most difficult parts of being a writer. You finally stop procrastinating, you open your document and…nothing. You just don’t have ideas or the ideas is just on the tip of your tongue. You can feel it, but it’s just not coming out. Here are some tips that help me when I have hit a wall.

1.Read what you have written so far. Have you already taken a break, had a breather and walked away from the project? Come back to it and read what you have so far. Even if it’s a sentence or an outline. Just read it. You’ll start to edit this, think about that and suddenly ideas will start flooding in. Instead of this happening on page 10, maybe it should be page 20, and so it will lead in to your catalyst, etc. Just reading what you have written down  should help get you in the flow of things.

2. Just Write. I don’t care if it sucks or if it’s stupid or if you hate it. Just put pen to paper, or hand to keyboard. Just start getting the creative flow going. Write anything. Write a monologue, write a conversation between two characters, write your main character’s diary entry, etc. Just write.

3. Research. Maybe you’re stuck, because there is something you can’t figure out. Or something that doesn’t sit well with you. Start reading about your subject. Are you writing about a dystopian future? Do research on what would happen if there is a WWIII. Research chemical warfare or about a town that has been ravaged by a tsunami. Read about things that are directly connected to your subject and indirectly connected. Interview people who have lived through events similar to the ones that happen in your book. Read a medical journal that covers the disease that your main character has. Get new realities and that will hopefully lead to new ideas.

4. Read a blog or watch an interview with your favorite author. Listen, lets face it I wish I was Ilona Andrews, Jane Austen or Julia Quinn.  Just last week I read Ilona Andrews’ blog and she is struggling with her latest Kate Daniels book. It’s shocking. You’d think after a bunch of your books have been published, you’d be a well oiled machine. Nope, even your favorite writer’s hit a wall. That’s why reading a blog post or watching an interview about them can help. Books by my favorite authors make me feel amazing and just thinking about their work makes me want to create my own. And it is my dream to make someone feel the way they make me feel. They inspire me to write more and maybe your fave author will inspire you to write more.

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The RARE List™ is comprised of approximately 7,000 different rare diseases and disorders affecting more than 300 million people worldwide. More RARE Facts™ can be found here. We are often asked why...

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Jim Chapman did my hair for a night out. WHAT A FUN TIME.

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Thousand Years

Thursday Oct 3th I had several things running around my head.  My birthday is next week on Oct 11th.  For some reason it almost always makes me a forlorn.  The numbers are a measuring stick in my head, that always seem to make me feel as though I haven't measured up. So to distract myself I'll throw a party or get together.  This year I was going to do this murder mystery party.  My plans for that soon went array.  I only had to find ten people to be characters, nine besides myself and I couldn't do it.  So as silly as this my sound I was feeling very discouraged, and unloved.  Really could I not gather even a few people to celebrate with me.  After all these years I have such a small friend pool. 

Also Monday I found out that a girl around my age with my same condition passed away.  I don't know exactly how.  It really doesn't matter how.  I didn't realize that it shook me, I mean I really didn't personally know her but I still felt connected.  This unrest this fear I didn't want to recognized took hold and grew in me. 

Then Wednesday my breathing wasn't doing good and I felt weak.  By Thursday all the feeling of fear and rejection combined in a tangled mess.  I was driving on my way to get gas in my car, then to pick up my car pool buddy and off to work.  I had a busy early morning and in the midst of all this I just started crying at the wheel. Not delicate little tears, but a real sob.  I cried out in my loneliness and in my fear.  

I think God really heard my cries.  All of a sudden the words to that song A Thousand Years came over the radio. 

 "I have died everyday waiting for you Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought your heart to me I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more"

I don't know what all of you out there believe.  Some of you might think me a little mad.  But I swear God heard me and dedicated a song to me right there in my car.  I was told not to be afraid, and that I was loved.  I felt a complete change of heart, I felt completely surround by amazing love.  It doesn't change the fact that some day I might succumb to my disease like many others will.  It doesn't change the fact that we do not always have the support of our friends or family when we might need it.  But I felt that there was someone that cared for me in that moment and that was God.  I started crying for a completely different reason.

Just please know that no matter how your day is going right now, that you are loved. 

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Night Terrors

When I was little my parent said I would have night terrors. I'd wake up with a scream, thrashing from some terrible dream. I do remember terrible reoccurring nightmares. But as I got older the terrors left, I still had nightmares ever so often but the terrors when away. I've always had vivid, even lucid dreams. Sometimes I have awareness that I'm dreaming, and I can be awake in my dream. Other times I'm convinced of the dreams integrity and the feeling with stay with me, even after I wake.

The reason I bring all this up is this morning it felt like I had a night terror again, now in my thirties no less. It's not like I just finished a scary movie marathon I don’t know where the dreadfulness came from.  I woke not just displeased with the dream, but terrified.  Honestly if I didn’t have to pick up my car pool buddy I might have called in.  The feeling was snapping.  And even after getting dressed and driving over to Melissa’s the feeling still lingered.  It’s hard enough explaining the tired feeling that sometimes over come me.  I’d rather not explain loss of sleep due to nightmares.  Maybe this is a one time occurrence, and I’m just being paranoid.  Either way, my bed is looking less comfy tonight. 

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San Diego Comic Con 2013. (July 18-21)

My first time at San Diego Comic Con, and it was amazing. 

Best parts of the con, #1. In a Geek & Sundry event offsite I met FELICIA DAY!! She is one of my favorite people ever and was gracious to all her fans at the book signing.  eeek. Did you hear me FELICIA DAY!!!

#2, My little brother and me taking pictures with a Wil Wheaton cutout. : )

#3, Playing Munchkin with some strangers we meet in line.  That's right other people can be that nice!  Who would have thought. Plus it happens to be one of my favorite games. Score.

#4, The atmosphere on the convention floor... I could look at Doctor Who props with my new Ender's game mini flash light next to an Assassin's creed look alike.

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Busy, Busy, Busy. : )

The last couple months have been jam packed! I still have a partial suitcase to unpack.  It's just sitting there staring at me as I type, still with it's airplane tags on. Here are the big highlights:

July 18-21: San Diego Comic Con. My first con!

August 5-22: Family vacation to England, Scotland, and Ireland. A trip years in the making!

Sept 6-9: Friend Anthony's wedding in PA. Bittersweetness.

I found myself doing more trips this year than normal. I can say tho without hestitation that every car, bus, train, subway, plane, and ferry ride was worth the experiences.  I'll try to post some amazing pics and my favorite bits. 

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Avicii - Wake Me Up (Official Video) (by AviciiOfficialVEVO)

When I was abroad, I fell in love with this song.  My brother was driving in England, I was in the passager seat watching the country side roll by and we started signing together...it was a beautiful moment.  Two countries later we found out what it was called in an ice cream palour in Ireland. yea.  It followed my journey there and reminds me of the trip. <3