mazesays - Tumblr blog

[mazesays]

every time i scratch my taint a horse dies

[mazesays]

mondays more like

[mazesays]

me: *listening to Phil Collins*

fbi man behind my webcam:

[mazesays]

no homo. we’re fresh out. we should get a new shipment in on monday

[mazesays]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[mazesays]

still fuckin hate that “bee-free honey” that’s made from……… apples. bitch who you think sexed up those apples

[mazesays]

dungeons and dragons be like, roll for penis

[mazesays]

me, drinking orange juice right of the container like the cool older brother on a disney channel show

[mazesays]

Sonic is my only friend

[mazesays]

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A post shared by JUNIPER WILDLIFE REFUGE (@juniperfoxx)

Sunday mood…

[mazesays]

i think its funny that after you give blood, they keep calling you every once in a while to ask if you want to give more blood 

and i get it, blood is important and in short supply, but it just seems like

hey… we heard you made more blood. can you… can you give us that new blood? that sweet sweet fresh blood? its been a while, jacob. we know you have it. we know you have the blood jacob

[mazesays]

stupid cats are valid

[mazesays]

you think your crush is laying in bed thinking about you but in reality they’re reading about swords on Wikipedia

[mazesays]

[mazesays]

I went to the farmer’s market yesterday and at the honey guy’s booth and there were all these bees just hangin out.  Checking out the beeswax tabs, floating around the honey jars, not being aggressive, just really gentle and investigating or something

and as he was giving me a sample of the wildflower honey one of them landed on his hand and he just took a drop from the jar and dabbed it on his hand for the bee, and when I asked if they were his bees he said “No, but they show up every time I come out, I think they just know my truck” and this guy is well-known among the local bees and lets them sit on his hand and eat his honey and I just really like the bee guy

[mazesays]

Welcome to my

*grabs your dick and twists it like an Indian sunburn*

TWISTED mind

[mazesays]

why do wizards and mages and shit in stuff always have to use a fucking stick or staff to do magic. what’s so special about a gotdamn tree bone