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[mbaker88-hnitsfanfic]

HNITS Fan Fic

Update: Before the end of this week, I will have another One shot up of some Haker Love (for your OTP ;-) oddismycopilot)​!! Also I am going to be posting all of my fics on fanfiction.net Check me out under lifezgoodbaker!

[mbaker88-hnitsfanfic]

"2 Weeks"

“2 Weeks” #HNITS #BakerHadley POV

(Please if you would- before and after reading this listen to Idina Menzel's song "Brave". It just fits :-)

              When I arrived in New Orleans to see Nate it was not the trip I expected when he had it approved back in January. It seems ages ago but it has only been a few months. I get out of my car at Nate’s apartment. It is small but in a nice area of the city. He runs up to me and gives me a huge hug.

Nate says, “I am so glad that you are ok!”

I look back at him, “Me too but I feel far from ok. I brought all of this on myself.”

Nate just smiles and hugs me again. When we go inside he asks me if I want to tell him what happened. I ask if we can wait till morning and maybe just enjoy the evening. He agrees and he takes me out for a burger and milkshake like he used to do when we were younger. We catch up on everything from the past year dancing around the last five months for me. We talk about LSU and if I have talked to my roommate yet.

Nate says, “I’m telling you, talk to them now and get everything straight. Otherwise you will be scrambling last minute to figure out who is bringing the TV and who is bringing the fridge.” I just smile in agreement it is nice to be here away from everything.

             When I go to sleep that night I dream of Hannah and I on a picnic in a park somewhere, not sure where though. We are just laughing and reading books. Every now and then I catch her staring at me and I smile back at her. The dream is so peaceful I sleep through the night for the first time in months with no alcohol.

             Nate went out and grabbed some groceries in the morning because his cupboards were bare. “I guess bachelor pads do exist.” I snicker at him. He comes back with tons of food and cooks me some bacon and eggs. We sit down in the living and begin to eat. 

He looks at me and says, “So.”

I say “So”

He waits patiently as I finish eating. After I finish my orange juice I decide I need to talk to him about it. It, the last 5 months of my life that sent me into a self-destructive downward spiral. Then it finished in an emergency room or began, I am still not sure.  I set some ground rules before I start. “Ok, let me get through the whole thing, even if I start crying just let me get through it. If I stop I don’t think I will be able to finish. I just need to get it out, and it is hard. I mean, I was an asshole, and I feel shittier and shittier every time I go through everything in my head. So I don’t think saying it out loud is going to be easy. Ok?” I look at him with anxious eyes, tears already filling them. 

He looks softly back at me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Bake, you say whatever you want to, how much or how little. You are my little sister. No matter what you tell me, I love you! You know that, above and beyond anything else, I love you and you will always be my little sister. Whenever you are ready, you talk, ok?” 

I immediately begin to cry. Nate just sits there waiting patiently. He gets me a glass of water and some tissues. He lightens the mood saying, “Glad I got an extra box of these.” I laugh, snot almost coming out of my nose. I feel like we are kids again, and he is just being my protective big brother. I take a deep breath and then purge. As I go through everything, starting with how I feel and always felt with Hannah since we had met. Then kissing Hannah, leading to being with Hannah to being with Clay. The words just keep pouring out sometimes in midst of gasps and sobs. Nate just sits there, looking at me, the way big brothers do. He occasionally nods, or touches my shoulder, but not once does he try to speak or interrupt. He just sits and listens and as I finish with the hospital and Hannah, and conversations with mom and dad, he just hugs me. No prolonged speech about what I did or didn’t do, or what I am or what I should be. No thoughts or opinions, he just protects me in his arms like my big brother. Once I finally stop crying he lets go and looks me in the eyes. His eyes are lighter than mine, almost a hazel gold. He says “So” I look at him with almost an anger, after all of that all he has to say is so?

              Nate just smiles, “So that’s it. This big horrible thing you couldn’t spit out. It is now out there. It is out and floating in the universe. You can’t take it back. So now the question is to you- So now what?” I gasp realizing the impact of what he said. For the first time I said everything out loud. I can’t take it back, nothing. Not the story I shared to him, or the horrible things I did to Hannah. It is out like an ugly monster looking me down like I am its next meal and I need to decide what I am going to do about it.

I just look at Nate, “You’re right I can’t take anything back.” My face must have shown heartache as he hugs me again. 

He says softly, “Bake, you have to decide what makes you happy. Not just who, but what. What you are going through is bigger than what you shared with me. You have to decide where everything fits with you going forward and not just Hannah, but God, your friends, us as your family. You know we love you no matter who you love. The bigger question is, can you?” I let the last to words seep in can you, replaying over and over again in my head. The part that begins to scare me is I don’t know if I can.

                The next few days seem to drag on forever. I spend a lot of time crying and replaying the story and asking Nate what his opinion was of different parts. One evening I was going over Destin and the party when Hannah told me she liked kissing me better. I tell Nate “I felt like my heart was leaping out of my chest. When she said she liked kissing me, it was exactly how I felt. I just couldn’t say it, you know? I was doing everything I could to hide how I felt about her. It was taking all of my strength. I just couldn’t run from my feelings because they always resurfaced.  I am not as confident as she is. She was able to just own her feelings while I let them eat me away. Then someone saw us kissing and I freaked out again. I suppressed my thoughts of her and turned my feelings to anger towards her. I blamed her for me wanting her, and someone seeing us, I made it all her fault in my mind, I treated her like it too. How I am going to look at her again Nate? How is she going to look at me and ever forgive me? I can’t forgive myself”

Nate takes a deep breath and sighs, “Bake, you really don’t realize how brave you have been, do you?” 

“I haven’t been brave, I have been nothing but a shivering coward curled up in the corner running from the one person that makes me happy. I was scared. I was afraid of what people would think of me so I pushed away the only opinion that mattered and that was Hannah’s” I begin to cry.

He replies, “Look, I understand that you needed time to begin realizing everything. You have to stop beating yourself up about the way you feel. The fight that happened at Clay’s might have been prevented had you said something sooner but it wasn’t. That night in front of everyone you made a choice and you chose Hannah. Honestly Bake, I believe she knows that too. I’m not saying that you did anything right or wrong, but you chose her when you needed to. It might have been too late, but it’s still the choice you made.”

 “Why did it take me so long? Why couldn’t I tell her what I was feeling, and that I needed her?”  I say through sobs.

Nate just engulfs me again as my tears soak his polo. “Because you had to love yourself first Baker, before you can love anyone else. You have to be happy and proud of yourself. Everyone else around you is so proud of you; mom, dad, me, and I know Hannah is too. But if you are not happy nothing else or no one else will matter. You keep saying Hannah’s opinion is the only one that matters, that’s not true Baker, your opinion matters most!”

“I just don’t know how to move forward. I feel stuck. I just can’t let go of the things I have done. What should I do?” I ask.

Nate just smiles, “I wish I could give you all the answers. I just can’t. Maybe it’s time to have a conversation with God, I feel like that is tormenting you greater than you realize. If nothing else it is something you are going to have to face. Let’s go to mass tomorrow.”  I nod as I will try anything now to move forward, even if it’s confronting my shame.

The next day Nate and I go to Sunday mass and I sit in the back of the church in shame. I feel that everyone is looking at me and whispering about me. I feel like I am wearing a scarlet letter with a big L on it. When I walk up the isle for Holy Eucharist I can’t help to think about Jesus dying on the cross for my sins. My head begins to spiral through thoughts of sins and what I have done, to Hannah, to Clay, to everyone. I feel myself welling with tears and leave the church running. Nate follows me outside and finds me in the parking lot by his car violently crying. 

“What happened?” Nate asks softly.

“I can’t do it. I can’t pretend I don’t feel this way.”  I begin to raise my voice

Nate looks at me, “Like you don’t feel what way?”

“THIS WAY! THAT I AM ASHAMED OF FALLING IN LOVE WITH HANNAH! I FEEL GUILT FOR WHAT I DID TO HER BUT I DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT LOVING HER. WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT LOVING SOMEONE? IF GOD MADE ME, THEN WHY DO I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING SOMEONE? WHY AM I ASHAMED FOR LOVING A GIRL? I HATE MYSELF FOR IT AND GOD IS NOT FIXING ME! I HAVE PRAYED AND PRAYED TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR CLAY OR JUST BOYS AND NOTHING! IF GOD LOVES ME, US, THEN WHY DOES GOD IGNORE ME?  I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY I FEEL THIS WAY.” I gasp for air. “Nate, why won’t it stop hurting? Why can’t I just be normal?” I almost whisper the last words my throat raw from screaming and crying.

Nate sits on the ground next to me and I fall into is shoulder, “You shouldn’t feel guilty about loving anybody, but I can’t stop you from hurting. That is you. You have to accept yourself the way you are. No one can do that for you, not even God. If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror every day and smile with who you have become you won’t survive.” Nate brushes my hair back and takes out a handkerchief so I can wipe my tears. “Bake I can’t tell you what is right or wrong in this world any more than a preacher can. Everything we are taught are just different forms of interpretations of the Bible. Why do you think there are so many different forms of Catholicism and Christianity? What I can tell you is that God knew what he was doing when he made you. He doesn’t get anything wrong. There is a reason you are here and a reason he made you the way you are. As your big brother I am able to say you are far from normal! With your OCD organization and non-stop perfectionism you are just an over achiever.” I laugh with tears falling down my face. “But loving anyone, even Hannah is what makes you normal.” 

I lean back against the car. I look at Nate, “I love her, I think I always have, and somewhere in me I have always known. I don’t know why me loving her hurts so much?” For the first time I admit to loving Hannah, out loud, and I don’t want to take it back.

Nate just sighs, “I don’t know, sometimes love sucks. Sometimes it is really awesome. I think you have to really confront your feelings Bake. Stop running and feel, breathe again. Until you can do that, you really can’t love anybody.”

              As the week progressed it became easier to talk to Nate about everything. I even went to confession as I really had to find my place with God and religion. When I got back Nate asked “So how many Our Fathers do you have?” He said with a smirk. “Only three and two Hail Mary’s” I replied. “Damn, I had six, see you are even better than me” he winks. I look at him and say “Nate I have been thinking a lot about everything, can we go out tonight, maybe the beach?”  He agrees “Sure sis let’s eat dinner then go get some ice cream.”

               As we are walking on the shore I begin to hear the ocean and its rhythm is calming. For the first time in a long time it feels good to be outside and feeling the sand beneath my toes seems to give me strength. I look at Nate, smile take a long deep breath and say “I’m gay.” Nate just keeps eating his ice cream like he is waiting for some actual statement or question. I stop and look at him and say again, “I’m gay, and I love Hannah, and I want to be with her.”

He just smiles and keeps eating his ice cream, and then he says, “Ok” and starts to walk along the beach again.

 I almost yell “Ok that’s it?” 

“Yes that is it! What were you expecting Bake, some horrible response. I love you for who you are and I love Hannah too. She is super nice and mom and dad like her. She is also not that bad looking. I mean you could definitely do a lot worse” He smirks and raises his eyebrows; I punch him in the arm. 

“Don’t be eyeing up my woman!” I wink back at him.

 He releases a gratifying smile like he has been waiting for me to say something for years. “Your women huh? Don’t you think Hannah should have a say in that.” I stop like the words he said are a brick wall. I sit down on the beach and I feel tears coming on again.

“I have been so worried about figuring this all out, I haven’t thought about how to talk to her? There is no way she is going to forgive me. After everything I put her through with Clay, oh God.” Tears begin to stream down my face. Nate just puts his arm around me and points up at the stars, they remind of the ones on Hannah’s ceiling. I take a deep breath. “Nate, how am I going to talk to her? I can’t imagine she will even want to talk to me. I didn’t even talk to her before I left, even after everything. After thinking everything through I am sure she wants me nowhere near her, and I wouldn’t blame her. The way I treated her, Nate she deserves so much better.”

Nate just takes a deep breath. “I honestly never thought I would have to teach you how to talk to girls.” He says mockingly.

“Come on Nate I’m serious. I have been running from this for so long, now I think about walking back in and saying what? Hannah I’m sorry I was an asshole and pushed you away and made you live in hell for months because I was too afraid to say I love you. Afraid of the consequences of those words, but hey forgive me ok? I am horrible with words and don’t even know where to start apologizing.”

Nate just smiles and looks up at the sky. “If she loves you half as much as you love her, it won’t take much convincing Bake. Just speak from your heart; it doesn’t have to be pretty or sweet. It just has to be you, raw, honest and truthful. As long as you do that, everything will work out.” We sat on the beach another hour just feeling. The last few days seemed to fly. We caught a couple of movies and occasionally I would have a breakdown, but Nate just would give me a hug and remind me all of that pain won’t just disappear. Saying goodbye sucked. I cried again and Nate joked he was going to buy stock in Kleenex. Before I left I gave him another huge hug and said “Thank you for being an amazing big brother. I don’t think I could have figured this out without you.”

 Nate just squeezed me in harder and said, “Yes you could have, because you are my amazing little overachieving sister.” We both laughed.

            That afternoon when I got home I sat down and really talked with my mom and dad. They both just kept telling me that they love me for who I am and that I can talk to them about anything. We talked for a few hours and had dinner; the night began to feel normal again. I looked up at my mom after dinner and asked, “Is it ok if I go see Hannah?” I feel a rush of hesitation in my voice. I know this whole thing is beyond difficult for them, and I almost feel bad for asking.

My mom looks ups almost surprised I asked, “Of course you can.” She says it without any hesitation. I smile, her quick response reassures me that it is ok. Then before I go to leave she says, “Sweetie?”

I reply, “Yes Ma’am?”

She says with a smile “Your curfew is still midnight.” I almost giggle thinking about having a curfew to go see Hannah, but it makes everything feel right. That somehow, something as simple as a curfew makes me feel normal.

            When I drive to her house I circle the block twice getting the courage to face her. Finally I park and walk up to the back door. I stand there another minute thinking about what and how I am going to say everything. That I love her, and I am sorry, and I understand if she never wants to see me again. All of the feelings from the past few months come rushing through me engulfing me with pain and freedom. As I stand at the door I can hear Joanie and Hannah talking on the other side and I no longer can contain my fear and excitement. I want to see her, and I need to know how she feels. The anticipation of this moment is killing me. I think to myself it is now or never so I raise my hand and lightly tap the glass of the backdoor. 

[mbaker88-hnitsfanfic]

"The Connection" #HNITS-FANFIC

#BakerHadley POV  Coincides w/ Chapter 1 #HNITS

(Alarm buzzing in the background)

                  I roll over and hit the snooze button. The last thing I want to do is crawl out of bed. I look at the clock again and notice I need to leave in thirty minutes. I take a lightning fast shower, brush my hair haphazardly and begin getting dressed. I have pulled out my shoes and I am looking for my socks, and I can’t find any of my knee highs. Finally under a pair of black stockings I find an old pair of cotton knee highs from freshmen year. They are a little short but I am running late and I want to get to school before Hannah.

As I am running down the stairs I am almost out the back door when my mom calls me.

“Baker Grace Hadley, get back in her young lady!”

“Yes Ma’am. Sorry I am just running late” I say breathlessly.

“Oh your friends can wait ten minutes for you. It is your 18th birthday, do not think you are escaping the clutches of your family that easily” mom smirks at me. Then she begins singing, “Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to my baby girl (little sister, Nate sings in the background). Happy Birthday to you.” I begin to blush, my dad joined in from the living room and Nate from my mom’s cell phone.

I say “Thank you” smiling.

Nate says on the speaker phone, “So little sis, how does it feel to be the big 1-8. I can’t believe you graduate in a few months. You’re getting so OLD.”

“Thanks Nate, but if I’m old then you are ancient!” I say with a sarcastic tone.

Mom chimes in “Ok, ok. I know you have plans tonight with the football game and spending the night at Hannah’s, but come home after school for cake and presents!”

“Yes Ma’am. Love you” I give my mom a kiss and I hug her goodbye and sprint to the car.

                I get to school just before Hannah and Joanie pull up. Hannah looks over with her usual smile and some new band I never heard of blaring. I turn down my radio to see if I recognize the artist today. (Not a clue) I get out of the car and head over to her and Joanie. Hannah rolls down the window “Hey birthday girl did you get my text?”

“You mean the one that woke me up at midnight?” I give her the best scowl trying to hide my smile. She grins and my smile breaks free.

“Don’t even act like you’re mad. You know I have to be the first to wish you a happy birthday. It is a best friend rule or code or something.” I laugh and she winks. My stomach jumps and my heart hums with happiness.

 Joanie says “Happy birthday Bake. Did you get your normal birthday wake up from the family?”

“Of course, I almost made it out the door, just not quick enough!” I snap my fingers.

Hannah smirks “You’re just getting out of shape since volleyball is over. Better watch out you might get you freshman 15 you’re senior year.” She pokes my stomach and tickles me. I laugh and slap her hand away.

“Well I guess we should go running again sometime soon lazy bones” smugly smiling at her knowing she hates running with me.

“Maybe I should go with you. With your old age now we don’t want your metabolism slowing.” She says smirking.

I reply with a wink “I am going to hold you to that.”

Joanie jumps in “HA! Good luck with that one!”

The boys walk up. Joanie runs up and gives Luke a leaping hug almost knocking him down. We all laugh. “You have to warn me before those. One of these days you are going to break me in half” Luke says placing Joanie back on the ground. Joanie just smirks at him and gives him a kiss. I can’t help admire their relationship. I always love it when they are around, they just complement each other so well. It makes me realize what a want in a relationship, a partner, a friend.

                Clay hurries us along because today is our pep rally and he does not want to be late. Hannah and I walk to our lockers talking about our plans for the weekend. Once I open my locker there is a note inside from Hannah. I know it is from her because of a special fold we use. I go to open it but she stops me. “Nope not till I am gone, read it after you see Ms. Carpenter and DON’T lose it” She smiles and walks away. I head to see Ms. Carpenter to go over my speech for the pep rally and meet with the rest of the student counsel. After the particulars are out of the way I go to open Hannah’s note when Mrs. Shackelford walks in and pulls me aside. She asks about my speech and suggests to lighten it up with some humor. Ironically once she finished and I read Hannah’s note, their thoughts were not that far off from each other.  Difference being that Hannah’s suggestions will probably get us both expelled. I reread the end of her note 3 times.  For the rest of the way to the gym I couldn’t hide my smile.

                I walk into the gym and begin to get nervous. The crowd is rowdy and I can’t stop thinking about the socks I wore this morning. They keep sliding down my leg and they are itchy. I just can’t seem to focus on anything else. It is almost time for me to go up and I start to blank about what I am going to say. I start breathing heavier then look halfway up the bleachers and see Wally, Luke and Hannah. Hannah looks down at me and flashes me her soft sweet smile. My heart continues racing but I am able to refocus keeping my eyes on Hannah.

I begin to remember back to when we first started hanging out. She has always sat in the same spot for me ever since freshman year when I ran for student counsel delegate. I spent the night at her house that weekend and I was going over my speech and I began to start getting very nervous. I would have dropped out of the race if it wasn’t for her. “You can do this. You have this speech memorized, it will be a cinch!”  Hannah says trying to reassure me. I offer my best rebuttal “But when I start talking I just choke up and I get this feeling like there is a frog in my throat” Hannah looks at me with her soft smile and says “Perfect!”

“Perfect?” I say with a questioning glare

She stares at me with her blue/gray eyes and tilts her head softly- “Yeah I will sit halfway up the bleachers so you can’t miss me. Anytime you feel nervous or that frog starts hopping his way into your throat just look at me. I will ribbit at you and then you won’t be able to do anything but flash that pretty smile of yours and finish your speech!”

“You’re going to ribbit at me? Great now instead of not being able to talk I won’t be able to stop laughing.”

Hannah smirks, “Much better problem to have now isn’t it!”

Now that I am the student body president you would think I would have gotten over this fear by now. I just don’t think I would have the same confidence if I knew Hannah wasn’t here. There is just something about the way Hannah smiles at me that just makes me feel at peace. It’s a feeling I only get with her, and a familiarity I never want to lose. Father Simon calls me up and I talk about our game and the Diocesan Cup, and us beating Mount Sinai, but I never lose sight of Hannah. When I pass the mic over to Clay he leans in and gives me a big hug, it is comforting. He whispers “Great speech Bake, like always. By the way a little birdie said something about your birthday today. Hope you are ready for the rock star status I am about bring down on you.” I giggle, but at the same time begin to feel flustered as I know Clay has no shame or stage fright. A few minutes later the entire school is singing happy birthday to me. The ENTIRE school, he will pay for this later.

                After school I meet up with everyone before I head home to change for the game. Hannah gives me her disappointed smirk that I didn’t take on her points challenge “Such a wasted opportunity.”

“I know” smiling back as everyone reads her note and laughs.

Wally gives us his you could have gotten in trouble for this stare and Clay his man why didn’t you look. Luke and Joanie have left already. They are off in the own world again. (It must be nice to have your own world with your best friend. I mean Hannah and I have our own world, it would just be nice to have that extra connection.)

               I head home to get changed and have cake and open presents. Nate called in again, I miss him so much. He got me an extended week to stay with him this summer. He said Hannah and I could both come down, mom and dad already approved the visit! I was super excited talking with him about New Orleans when mom & dad came out with their presents. Mom and dad got me some gift cards for various things like Barnes and Noble & ITunes. They also got me an LSU sweatshirt and t-shirt. It was a great birthday so far. Mom and dad were almost a little teary eyed.

              Before emotions of their baby growing up seeped out I left for the game. I got there before kickoff and like usual I was the first one there. I found some of my teammates near the top of the bleachers. The air was crisp and cool. I texted Hannah hoping it will begin to hurry her along. Clay and the football team enter the field and he is jumping up and down. I see some of my teammates physically swooning. Katie asks me, “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to date him?”

I let out and uncontrollable laugh “What, no its Clay.” Thinking that is explanation enough. Katie rolls her eyes and picks up the conversation w/ Colby. I never did understand all the swooning over boys. I guess I am just always busy with school, volleyball, the school counsel, not to mention hanging out with Hannah and the group. Swooning is just something that never engulfed me and I didn’t mind one bit. I look back up to watch Clay connect another perfect pass for a touchdown. The St Mary’s crowd erupts while the Mount Sinai crowd seems to have already accepted their inevitable defeat. Finally I see Hannah and Wally coming up the bleachers. She has a soda and I am relieved I don’t have to leave my seat as it is finally warming up.

“Diet or Regular?” I say tapping the cup. Hannah hands it over without a pause and says “Regular.”

I steal a few sips and pass it back. She takes a couple and hands it back to me. She always lets me hold anything we share- I think because I pick or sip at it more and she doesn’t want me to have to keep asking for it.

“So fill us in” Hannah Says, “What did we miss”

Since they arrived my eyes haven’t been on the field at all. I recap the game as Luke and Joanie join our bleacher row. The crowd erupts again and I look up watching Clay with his triumphant hands above his head. I glance down the row and see the swooning recommence and I can’t help be snicker. Hannah gives me what’s so funny look and I just wink and shrug. She laughs at me and my birthday night seems to keep getting better. Hannah is arguing with Joanie over getting some nachos which do sound delicious. I am getting ready to offer to get us some when Joanie concedes and hands one to Hannah- “Don’t say I never gave you anything” as Hannah is giving her sister the mocking don’t say I didn’t give you anything tone. I reach over and bite it out of her hands.

Hannah looks at me with a scowl “Are you kidding me?”

“Sorry I was hungry. Big Speech earlier today!” She scowls at me with you’re lucky it’s your birthday glare. I laugh along with the others because I got away with it. (I always get away with it.)

After the game is over I think we are all heading home. Joanie grabs me and says “Come on.”

“Wait what is going on?” I look at Hannah knowing she concocted some elaborate plan without me knowing it.

 Hannah just smiles and says “You’ll see.”

Despite my pleading with Joanie on the car ride back to their house she gives me no additional information. We pull up and Luke and Clay are already there tossing a ball around. Clay gives me his overwhelming grin and winks at me. He has been doing that a lot lately. “So how does it feel to be an official adult?” He says.

“No different than yesterday.” I say with a grin. I figure I might be able to get something out of Clay “So what is the plan for tonight?” As Clay opens up to let out what this evening entails, Joanie jabs him in the side.

“Nope not a word” she looks at me with a smirk “Nice try Bake, go for the weakling!”

We all laugh. Clay has always had a great sense of humor, even when the joke is one him. It is probably his best quality.  Wally and Hannah pull up a few minutes later with a cake. I look at Hannah, how she is able to keep these surprises from me will always amaze me. Freshmen year for her birthday I got her the Coldplay record Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends. She was always raving about them and I knew her dad had an old record player in the living room. Nate was always telling me how much better music sounded on them then the digital copies that we get so regularly now. I gave it to her the day before her birthday because I just couldn’t wait to see the look on her face. She immediately ran to her dad who put it on and smiled at me with approval of the gift. I think we listened to that record so much we had to replace her dads’ needle on the record player. So how she is able to contain herself I will never know. We go inside and they get ready to sing me Happy Birthday when I notice that she got a king cake.

“You got a king cake.” I say smiling ear to ear. She nods and wraps her hands around my waist while I get a most enjoyable rendition of Happy Birthday. As I watch Hannah cut the pieces and pass them out I see the excitement and glee in her eyes. She gets so excited when the king cakes are out. I see everyone excitedly eating their pieces hoping to find the baby Jesus. Finally after no one finds the elusive baby boy we start digging into our second pieces. I am beyond full when Hannah lets out a whoop and excitedly holds up her prize. She almost glows with her smile. Seeing her find the baby Jesus is the only reason I love king cakes so much- they make her so happy.

               Once everyone has left Hannah and I head up to her room to go to sleep. We get ready for bed and I steal one of her old shirts to ware- they are just so soft. When she looks over she asks, “So do you want your present?” I smile as I thought this night was my present, at least it felt like one. I watch her walk over to her dresser drawer and pull out a small wrapped gift. I am beyond excited. I unwrap every piece carefully, I hate the sound of tearing paper. Inside is the 50th anniversary hardback copy of To Kill a Mockingbird by Mary McDonagh Murphy. She is just amazing, she remembers everything. That this is one of my favorite books and I lost my copy a while back. I just smile and graze the book with my fingers like it is a fragile artifact. She asks me if it will make my shelf, I almost ignore the question as it seems so ridiculous to me. This is one of my favorite books given to me by my favorite person, my best friend. My response is an appreciative “Front and Center!”

              I replay my 18th birthday in my head and I can’t help but smile. Starting with Hannah and her midnight text, to my family’s happy birthday ritual; from a great day at school to an evening with my friends and a night with Hannah it was perfect. I crouch up and lean in on Hannah’s shoulder as we watch a rerun of Parks & Recreation on her laptop. She wraps her arm around me circling with warmth and happiness and I swear I fall asleep smiling listening to Hannah’s heartbeat.

[mbaker88-hnitsfanfic]

"NUMBNESS"

-I don’t know what I was expecting when I agreed to go with Clay that night. Maybe I would begin to feel again because ever since the beach house- my only idea of feeling good was numbness. I dream of Hannah all of the time, kissing her, smelling her, tasting her, it makes me ache. I almost immediately wake up once we touch and my heart aches, my skin aches, and worse between my legs aches. Then I begin to drink until I black out, it is the only way I am sleeping now. It is my way of cleansing my thoughts hoping in the blackness they won’t return. So when Clay asked about the party at Liz Freeman’s house I used it for what is was, an escape. From myself, my thoughts, my pain, but mostly, from her. It also gives me a reason to drink. Maybe a full night’s sleep with no dreams was ahead, and that sounded good.

 Clay pulls up in the driveway- "Hey Bake" I smile and nod trying to not make eye contact because it always leads to a kiss, which then leads her. "Are you feeling any better- I was worried last night when we got off the phone" I look up, Clay is looking at me with his deep brown eyes- I wish I felt something when I looked at him. I wish I yearned for him, every time just something more than familiarity and comfort- today still nothing. "Yeah I’m sorry, with exams and everything, I am just overwhelmed. Thanks for driving." I smile. Clay leans in and kisses me. It’s warm, and soft, and I know so many girls would kill to be me right now. Clay has tried so hard; being attentive, soft and patient. He has been a good boyfriend. He gives me space when I ask, and doesn’t criticize my drinking or not eating, only attests he is worried, which I believe. I feel bad when I am with him. He reminds me of the past, but worse what I can’t be, normal. When he kisses me I lean in touching and caressing him, still to no avail. He looks at me wanting more, and I look at him with almost resentment, because he is not her, he will never be her, and I need to be happy with him. I lean in and kiss him again hoping for something, what, I don’t know. What I do know is I am ready for a drink.

We get to the party around 9:30 that night and I am halfway through my first drink before we make it to the back of the house. By 10:30 Clay is in his usual football recap w/ Luke, and I am surrounded by volleyball teammates. I look up to see Joanie walking through the door and I yearn to see her walk in behind her, but nothing. I find myself scanning the crowd all night hoping to see her, hoping I don’t. I keep pulling and pushing searching for some sense of clarity and reasoning, but never find it. I return to my conversations, I look at my phone, knowing if I text her she would be here, I need to talk to her. Tell her what I am feeling but I can’t because I don’t know. I want her next to me, but nowhere near me. She deserves someone who wants to be with her. I begin to drift into thoughts about her, not hearing the conversations around me. I smile and nod trying to act like myself, but I feel nothing like myself. I listen to the music playing it reminds me of Hannah. Everything reminds me of Hannah. I start to ache again then Clay breaks my trance.

Clay hollers “Babe come here” I try to hide my cringe, I hate it when he calls me babe. I walk over polishing off my 4th wait 6th drink, I don’t even keep track anymore. "What’s up? Hey Luke" Luke “Hey Baker it is good to see you” "You too" I ask, "Who wants a shot?" Another drink is all I need to soothe my thoughts, at this point all I am craving is numbness. "That’s my party animal, what do you want to do babe- whiskey?" I nod- The night begins to get fuzzy.

Next thing I remember is making out with Clay. We are in the middle of the room- which seems to be his location of choice as a make out spot these days. I begin to feel dizzy and tell him I am going to get some air- he looks at me with longing eyes- I wish I could return the stare but I can’t.

Clay says- “You want me to come with you?”                    

"No I will be fine just a little drunk and hot, like you" I wink at him trying to stir up some emotions- still nothing.

"Ok babe" he smiles warmly- he knows that it means I need some space, which is usually the case after any prolonged make out sessions or touching in general.

"Will you get us another drink?"

"Are you sure- how much have you had?"

I lean in and kiss him soft and slow knowing it will drive him crazy and get him to do what I want with no further talking.

"Wow, two drinks coming right up!"

“Just bring a bottle” I smile and wink hoping he won’t protest, and he doesn’t.

Clay meets me on the deck. He toasts to LSU and our future, I throw it back before he is done and he kisses me on the cheek and goes back inside. I continue drinking, anytime I think of her I take a shot. The bottle of vodka gets lighter and lighter.  

The fresh air at first is nice, cooling me off, filling my lungs with warmth of spring. But then I feel again, and my head starts spinning, the world starts spinning- I look at the trees to steady my gaze- but they make me feel nauseous. I run/stumble inside and make it to the sink. Joanie finds me. I cringe at the site of her, not wanting her to tell Hannah about this. I convince her to take me up the stairs, I am bumping people left and right. We get to a back bedroom and thankfully no one is in the bathroom. As we walk into the room I create space between Joanie and me. I slam the door and lock it. Then I erupt, vomiting, crying, emotions that seem to overflow, then it is dark.

I don’t know if I am dreaming or if it’s real. I feel the thumping of music and the party below like a hard steady heartbeat. I hear Joanie banging and yelling at the door- I go to move to let her in- but can’t. I start spinning again and blackness.

I begin dreaming (which is unusual for me in the state I find myself in) I hear Hannah calling to me like we are at a football game or at a pep rally, she seems frantic. She must be hurt, but even my dreams I refrain from going to her. I can’t feel the pain- not now- I am not as strong as her.  She just doesn’t understand how my heartbreaks into a thousand pieces every time I see her. She calls again- she seems closer- I try to wander in the blackness of my mind trying to find the strength to see her. Then the unthinkable happens. I feel her, her soft caress, her warmth next to me, but I can’t see her.

Then her voice again-

"Baker, Baker" it sounds so real.

My eyes open, and she is here, really here. I blink fast not believing what I am seeing. The pain I expect lurches in. Her warm eyes meeting mine- welling with tears, she softly tilts her head with her soft smile (GOD she is beautiful). I start spinning again- and this time I don’t know if it is alcohol induced. She tells me I need to get sick- I hate getting sick which is why I blackout so often. I plead with what strength I have “Can’t” “Hurts”. I finally surrender to her wishes and I feel better.

  She pulls me next to her warm skin and I curl in immediately. Feeling my bare skin next to hers, it is the only thing I think about. She brushes back my hair and it makes my stomach jump, and I resist the urge to get sick, as moving is the last thing I want to do. I listen to her heart, it is racing, and then I start to remember why I am here. I must smell, I barely can eat and keep anything down, I am in an old pair of jeans and tank (I try not to overdress around Clay he gets excited very easily) I can’t imagine how horrible I look, and it matches me on the inside. I glance up at Joanie and I want to tell her to leave and lock and close the door behind her. I want to fall asleep in comfort again, with my best friend, my….. I can’t get words out and I think I am groaning. Hannah strokes the back of my neck to tell me it’s ok. I look at her, I want to erupt with my emotions. I want to squeeze her and never let her go. I want to tell her I need her, and I miss her, and I, I love her! I look at her she is so beautiful. I look into her soft eyes for what feels like years. I have been avoiding and yearning for them. Trying to make what I feel for her somehow disappear in the distance that I keep. I can’t take being apart from her it is killing me. I swallow, breath deep I feel my stomach in my throat and all that comes out is a weak “thank you”.  I am such a coward, I wish I was strong like her- she deserves someone strong like her. She deserves to be loved as strongly as she loves. I begin to succumb to her heart beats when my skin cringes.

Clay- “Baker its ok I am here” I feel the tension in the room grow. Tension I have caused, I feel that Clay senses our yearning. I hear arguing, I feel tugging on myself. I don’t want to move, I look at Hannah for what I feel like will be the last time, my stomach in my throat a tear falls and only she sees it. I long for her to wipe it away, but instead I return to my righteous place in Clays arms. I hear Joanie protesting and I start to spin again. I surrender to the alcohol, and the next thing I remember is being in my bed. Before I black out, I find myself praying, praying for strength, for clarity. I gave up praying on feelings for Clay a while ago. Tonight I prayed to dream about love and for the first time I did dream rather than blacking out.

I dreamt of Hannah and I. She was at the stove making mac and cheese, she looked up at me and smiled. I got out bowls and we ate at the kitchen table and then retreated to her room. It was normal. It felt like fall, the window was open and I felt a crisp breeze coming through the window and it gave me chills. I see goose bumps form on Hannah and I wrap around her as she melts back into me. She turns smiles and says “Ready for bed?” I smile back and nod. I put on one of her old t-shirts. I love wearing them because they are soft and smell like her, and my mid-drift shows a little, which helps keep me cool at night. Changing in front of her- I act bashful, but I am not. I take my time feeling her watching me, and I am grinning, because I like it. I crawl over her and she stops me as I am straddling her, my heart pounds. She kisses me, slow, deep, yearningly. I kiss her back as I run my hands up her sides feeling each goose bump I am causing, and it makes me slowly grind into her. She pulls me back into her, her hands gliding up and down my back, each spot she touches aching for her hand to stay, and jealous when it moves on. I breathe her in deep, sensing her touch, her smell, her taste, and I love the way she tastes! I kiss her deeper, longer, harder.  She feels soft, smooth, hot, and I want her, bad. I grasp the bottom of her shirt and then… I wake up.

Its 5:30 in the morning according to the clock, my heart and head are pounding and my stomach is turning. There is a Gatorade and aspirin next to the bed and a note from Clay-  Hey babe, when you can, drink this. Don’t scare me like that again! Call me once you are up- Clay

I take the aspirin and sip the Gatorade, coming back slowly to the emptiness and reality that exists around me. My heart is still pounding along with my head, and I lay back down trying to get back to where I was in my mind- with Hannah at peace- but I can’t.  My room and my head spinning, I change my shorts as I was uncomfortable and wet again. I reach for my phone and I go to text Hannah. I want to tell her what I felt and feel. I begin typing Thanks for taking care of me. You are an amazing friend. I miss you so much. Can you come over? I need to talk to you, I had the craziest dream… I hear footsteps outside my door, my mom must be awake.  My heart races again, I hit -save to drafts- with the other fifty plus messages waiting to send to her. Then I text Clay instead

Thanks for taking care of me, and for the Gatorade.

 I lay back down wishing for numbness as the aches begin all over again.