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mcfaucet · 1 month ago

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your demons will go with you

[prequel - you should know I'm a liar] - (FFN) (AO3)

Summary:

Her life is... not what she'd wanted. It's not not what she wanted, either. Whatever expectations she had are no longer of consequences... ...it's not what she wanted, but it's all that she has left. (Harumi works through some abandonment issues. Lloyd is down bad and along for the ride.)

This fic was inspired by this beautiful set of drawings by @mcfaucet, especially the second in this post! It's embedded below. Thank you for allowing me to include your beautiful artwork!

It’s a hot morning, even though the sun is barely an orange glow in the east. The air is stagnant, with a slight breeze through the all-the-way-open window barely stirring the dust. The birds sing outside the window, but quietly—they’re already tired.

Harumi, awake early due to the heat, lies awake, stares at the ceiling, and wishes for answers.

Her life is… not what she wanted. It’s not not what she wanted, either. Whatever expectations she had are no longer of consequences. When she’d had expectations for her life, she’d seethed at her burdens as a princess; she’d gloried in leading a powerful biker gang; she’d suffered as the slave of a would-be conquerer.

This morning she’s in a quiet monastery, alone, except for the other soul that shares her bed.

It’s not what she wanted, but it’s all that she has left.

And she hates it, because she thought she was better than this. What has she become? A sad-sack live-in something to a boy whose life she destroyed? She knows Lloyd. Even if he says he's okay—FSM forbid, happy—he's probably lying. He wants her dead more often than not, but he’ll never say so.

(She warms his bed, shares his meals, spends her days with him. What more can she give? She’s already given him all of herself, and he’s been too hesitant to take it all yet.)

(It's still not good enough. It will never be good enough. He will hate her eventually; especially when he realizes how much of a wasted experience she’ll be, no good for even a moment.)

It weighs on Harumi, and this morning, the silence almost feels like glass. It’s breakable. There’s danger to breaking it, but danger to staying under its oppression too.

Fears and all: it’s better to be known and abandoned than never understood in the slightest.

She wants to cry as she stares at the ceiling.

“…Lloyd?”

He takes a moment to respond.

“Yeah?”

His voice is gravelly, not exercised since yesterday. Not since they said goodnight—since she'd let him have his way, since he'd kissed her and she'd stupidly believed he meant it, since he’d made her feel wonderful. The thought of it makes her want to shrink into the bedding and disappear.

She hates the honesty of her questions. “Do you ever feel like nobody loves you?”

He pauses. The weight of it is crushing. It's almost a confirmation, almost as if he's agreeing with her. He may as well say it, call her a fool and tell her—

“I don't. Not usually.”

She breathes out, releasing the tension, disappointed and relieved and horrible.

It was a stupid question. Why would the Green Ninja ever feel unwanted? He was the savior of Ninjago… wasting his time with a nobody. Sharing his bed with a failure.

She turns her head away to stare at the nightstand. Her empty glass of water stares back at her. It feels like it's mocking her. Harumi, you're not good for him. You never have been. Deep inside, you're emptier than I am.

Lloyd shifts in the bed next to her. The covers bunch up between them. He sounds restless.

She doesn't know if anything she can say will bring him ease.

“Rumi.”

She doesn't say anything.

“Rumi, talk to me. What's going on?”

Throw up the defense, you coward. “Nothing. Just thinking.”

She feels him move again, and the whole mattress shakes. “Are you just saying that? Did you have a nightmare?”

She closes her eyes and buries her face in the pillow. She can't move farther than that; her body feels like it's full of lead shot. It's just too awful to bear…

Lloyd moves again, and she feels him get closer. His shadow blocks out the early morning light.

“Look at me, Rumi.”

She hates it. She almost hates him—almost, because she still loves him like she loves breathing, just like she has for years.

Of course he can’t be unloved. She loves him. Another reason her doubts are foolish.

Harumi opens her eyes and turns her head toward the ceiling again. He’s there, leaning on one outstretched arm. He’s watching her, a crease between his bushy blond eyebrows that desperately need her to pluck them. When did she become the one who took care of him?

“Harumi?”

“What do you want me to tell you, Lloyd?”

He frowns more deeply. “The truth.”

“About what?”

“You’re upset. Tell me why.”

She wants to close her eyes, wants to hide, wants to lie and say it’s nothing. The temptation is always there. Just keep it quiet. No one has to know you’re weak. You can handle it yourself.

Hasn’t she handled it poorly enough already? When was the last time independence led to her being happy?

Never mind the fact that she has been happy, ever since her life and Lloyd’s became intertwined, ever since they made a life together.

Never mind the fact that waking up next to him makes her happier than anything else.

Never mind that she relies on him all the time, now, and has for a long time. The truth is slipping out anyway.

“Lloyd, do you love me?”

Lloyd blinks, and blinks again. “Why are you asking that?”

She breaks, and glances away, otherwise immobile. “I… need to know.”

He doesn’t. He’s only been using you for the little enjoyment he could get. You’re not worthy of him, you never have been.

Lloyd sighs, but it’s not a heavy, disappointed sound. It’s just… Lloyd.

“Yes, Rumi. I love you.”

She closes her eyes tightly. It’s a lie. “Do you actually?”

“Do I lie to you?”

“No.” Sometimes she wishes he would. “You always tell the truth, no matter how ugly it is.”

"What’s ugly about—about this?”

Finally she looks at him. He gestures between them, as if to explain the tangled mess of interdependence and bedding they’ve woven. Not quite dating, definitely not marriage, something strange. It’s not what Harumi had ever pictured for her life.

(She never once imagined lying next to someone, letting him kiss her and touch her and whisper sweet things in her ears. She never imagined Lloyd Garmadon doing that with her, or anyone.)

It’s better as what she hadn’t pictured, but still she doesn’t know if it’s good for them. She finds herself frowning. “It’s not ugly.”

“I know it’s not. Do you know that?”

“I don’t know anything, Lloyd.” He frowns a little deeper; it was the wrong thing to say. “I just wanted to know if you knew how I felt.”

He doesn’t look convinced, but Lloyd lowers himself down to rest on his forearm instead. He’s still there, above her, practically pinning her… but this feels safer, in a way. Like she really could run, but she doesn’t have to, because he wouldn’t make her leave.

His free hand touches her arm. “You feel like nobody loves you?”

Words don’t come to her. Harumi watches him in silence as he grapples with what he’s said, what she’s meant.

He grasps her upper arm gently. “Is something else wrong?”

Harumi can’t even frown. All she can do is stare at him, at her maybe-boyfriend, not-husband, kind-of-friend. “No.”

He squeezes her arm, ever so softly. Just enough to feel. “You know I’m here, right?”

She nods.

“I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

She frowns now, struggling to believe his words that sound like lies. “I feel like you’re going to leave.”

“Where’d you get that idea?”

“It’s bound to happen.”

He frowns too, as if offended. “I don’t think so.”

“You might not have any control over it. People come and people go.”

Lloyd leans closer, and his overgrown bangs brush against her forehead. “That’s fear talking. You don’t have to listen.”

Harumi frowns a little deeper, the rush of fear in her stomach reasserting itself. “Lloyd, you’re such an idealist. How do you even survive?”

“I have to. Destiny’s tried hard enough to kill me, and it failed. I have to keep living.”

“Life is awful.”

“That’s not true.”

“How do you know?!”

He cracks a smile, and it lights his whole face. It breaks the horrible gloom. It practically glows. “Because you’re here with me. An awful life wouldn’t have you in it.”

She hates it. She hates it! “How do you do that?! I’m in a horrible mood, I’m doubting you, I’m ruining a perfectly good morning. How are you smiling?!”

“I don’t know. I’m happy?”

“What is there to be happy about?!”

“I just told you!” He slumps down, closer to her, and cages her in.

One arm on her left side, the other on her right, he’s poised over top of her like she’s been captured. She’s his prey. He’s the one manning the trap. She can’t escape even if she wanted to.

Harumi closes her eyes, heart in her throat, feeling her pulse pounding its way out of every part of her body. “Just… put me out of my misery, Lloyd.”

“You don’t have to be miserable.”

“Well, I am.”

“I can’t make you stop being afraid, Harumi.”

“You’ll leave. Everyone does. You did.”

“I didn’t have a choice then, Rumi. Remember I took you with me, too.”

She remembers. The Crystal King’s floating temple was terrifying, even for his most trusted advisor—a title she hates, because it never felt true, and it turns out her gut was right the whole time. Then she brought Lloyd there, and even though she’d only ever hurt him, he dragged her out with him.

She remembers the fall, and how they should’ve died.

She remembers pleading for his life to be spared.

She remembers how he vouched for her, in front of his family and all their allies. How he’d announced she’d changed.

She remembers how, when she finally got a chance to have everything she wanted, she ran.

You ruin everything you touch, Harumi Jade. You’re the worst woman he’s ever met. You’re horrible. You should just die.

“I love you, Harumi. How many times do you need to hear it?”

She screws her eyes even more tightly shut. “…Again.”

“I love you.”

“Please.”

“I love you.”

“Tell me something true.”

“I love you? I’m not leaving.”

“Something else.”

Lloyd sighs heavily, and she feels his one arm stray to her neck, to her hair. “…I think you’re beautiful. I don’t want you to leave. I need you, too.”

Tears prick at the backs of her eyes, and Harumi opens them, knowing she’ll see something painful—

—but she’s wrong, because Lloyd’s eyes are gentle, his face close to hers. He breathes out, and it brushes against her face pleasantly. It doesn’t scratch, it doesn’t maim. It just is.

He just is.

Lloyd winds his hand underneath her neck to support her head, and he leans down, hair pooling around her face.

He kisses her, slowly and surely, taking every moment available to be there.

She closes her eyes again, letting him do it. She doesn’t hold him close. She responds, but only softly.

Lloyd doesn’t seem bothered. When he pulls away, it’s not until after he presses a firm, stern kiss to her lips—one that might bruise. He’s usually far too gentle for that.

(She likes it.)

“Don’t run away from me again.” His voice is husky. “I don’t know what I’d do if you did.”

She can barely whisper in reply. “You wouldn’t follow me?”

“I’d follow, but I know that the only way you’d come back to me is if you wanted to. Eventually I’d just have to wait.”

Harumi opens her eyes.

He’s watching her. His eyes are honest. They glisten with the faintest hint of tears. They hurt to look at.

She reaches up and pulls him down into another kiss, and this time, he lays down in her arms and stays.

It takes a few minutes, and several more kisses, before Harumi finally finds something truthful to say. She whispers them against his sternum, inside the cage of his arms, where everything feels safe and warm.

“I love you, Lloyd.”

“You love me?”

“I know. It's stupid.”

He kisses her hair. “It’s not. Stay with me, even when it’s scary.”

“You want me?”

“More than breathing.”

The tears prick at her eyes again. Their disproportionate affection is wrong. “Lloyd, I’m horrible.”

“You were. Not anymore.”

“I am! All I know how to do is hate.”

He chuckles, and it doesn't feel as mocking as it should. “Harumi, you just said you love me. Which is it?”

She closes her eyes tightly. “Both? I don't know how to love.”

“You loved your parents.”

“And then I killed them.”

He sighs, finally annoyed. It's not as rewarding as she'd hoped. “Look, Rumi. You can try to run, but we both know you won't get far. Your demons will go with you until you deal with them or you die.”

“Then kill me and get it over with.”

“If I kill you, then I'll be the one who's haunted my whole life. No thanks.”

“You're impossible.”

“Why won't you listen to me?”

“Because wishful thinking won't solve our problems.” Harumi opens her eyes again. He's still caging her in, or still holding her tenderly—which is it?

Lloyd smiles.

“What do you want now, you green cockroach?”

He laughs. “Our problems?”

A question springs to her lips—what are you rambling about?—but she catches it and bluffs. “Yeah, I have a problem with you.”

“More than one?”

“Yes.”

Lloyd leans in and kisses her, even though she tries to pull away, and she isn't really trying that hard. Instinct demands she comply. The Green Ninja, savior of all, wants this.

The Quiet One, Ninjago’s number one troublemaker, actually does want it. Harumi reaches up, digs her hands into his hair, and pulls. She's rewarded with a surprised, muffled yelp, and then Lloyd is pulling her in much more tightly.

This she can take. It's almost a fight already! She gnashes her teeth against his lip, and his matching response makes her feel like things are finally right again.

Duelling Lloyd has always been the right choice. The Green Ninja is her opponent, and she is his most masterful enemy, knowing all his weaknesses. His body is hers to control now.

Lloyd makes her feel powerful. He even makes her feel beautiful. He makes her satisfied. It’s the thrill of victory; it just feels different this time. After all, Lloyd Garmadon doesn't quit, he just gives her what he's given, forceful and perfect and somehow right.

(She knows the true name of this emotion, but she can't call it passion. Passion is too good for their screwed-up situation.)

They end up tangled in the sheets a few minutes later, Harumi straddling Lloyd. They’re both out of breath and red in the face. He beams at her, like the cat who caught the canary.

“…I told you, Rumi,” he pants, “I love you.”

“You just want to use me.” Why do you always complain?

“Whatever helps you sleep at night. I know what I really want.”

She sighs, and plays the game they always play, because she needs to hear it again. “Which is?”

Lloyd reaches up and cups her face in his hands. His blond hair is splayed over the pillow like a halo. His eyes shine with delight, or something similar. “I want you, and everything that comes with you.”

Baggage? My body? The usual excuses feel hollow. “You don't really want me.”

“I want you with me. You're here, aren't you?”

“Against my better judgment…”

“You said you love me.”

“I lied—”

“No, you didn't.” He strokes her cheeks, and she somehow likes it. “I'm not letting you get away again. I just got you back.”

“Masochist.”

“Maybe.”

“I'll kill you one day.”

“Maybe when my hair's white too. You'll still be around then.”

“What if I find someone else?”

And he grins again, eyes sparkling. He's annoyingly handsome. “That’s tough. You may be trouble, but you're no cheater.”

Her heart drops to her stomach. “I… Lloyd, no.”

“I haven't even asked!”

“No. I can't.”

He pauses. “…There is someone else?”

Sweet, stupid man. “No.”

“Oh.” He brightens again. “Then you can!”

“You're that desperate to ruin your life?”

“When it comes to you, I am. I want a life with you, and I don't care if it hurts. Let me take care of you.”

Lloyd reaches for his nightstand, tugging open the old, stuck drawer. It clunks when it slams open, but he doesn't appear to care. He pulls out a velvet drawstring bag, opens it, and tips out just the shiny objects Harumi had feared. They’re a set of pins, yin and yang, trimmed in gold and green.

He separates one half and offers it to her. “Now I'm asking you. Will you be my yang?”

She hates it. She hates this feeling, how her vision is swimming and blurring. She can't look away but she can't look at him. The pin is beautiful in its simplicity. They have never been so simple. “…Is that what we are?”

Lloyd is quiet, but he runs one encouraging hand up and down her arm. “I think so.”

She wants to curse it all and leave, but something tremendous stops her. She knows its name, too.

Hope.

Harumi sniffs, her tears splattering on Lloyd's shoulder. “Okay.”

“You will?”

She nods, struggling to get past the lump in her throat. “Why not? It's already the end of the world.”

His hand pauses, and she feels Lloyd squeeze her arm gently. “No, Rumi, it's not. It's the start of something new… and we'll do it together.”

Together. She's never known that word. Lloyd fixes her yang pin to the collar of her pajamas, then the yin pin to his own, and that's that.

It's that simple?

She lets herself get lost in another kiss, and hides in his embrace. The summer heat is sweltering, but at least she's safe.

For once, her doubts grow quieter than the song of doves outside their window.

#hhhh SCREAMS #wil add more tags later. i am explod

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