me-andmy-growth - Tumblr blog

[me-andmy-growth]

I feel like I'm floating. Like nothing is real and I don't matter. I don't matter. I wish I did.

I wish I meant something to someone. I wish I could do something about this pain. I want to walk and walk and walk and leave it all behind. Change my name, pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm happy someone cares, at least. If only enough to call sometimes.

Thank you, friend.

I wish I could die, but you're stopping me from doing so.

I just want to swallow all the pills in my cabinet and kill myself. End it all. Vomit up every last piece of food I ate. I wish I had an eating disorder. I wish I had my jaw wired shut.

I'm sorry. Thank you friend.

[me-andmy-growth]

I'm so tired. I don't know, it's just been so...weird? Confusing? Like I'm constantly missing something. Like I forgot something without even realising.

I can't even tell anyone. I thought I could, but...I guess not anymore.

I tried not texting first and they didn't text again, so I gave in, anyways.

I thought things changed for the better, but after the funeral nothing has been right

My friend got a boyfriend we all hate and has completely stopped hanging out and texting with me because she's constantly texting or out with him. I find it hard to complain, because why would I? She's finally happy with a guy she loves. She seems so much brighter. I'm just jealous.

My other friend is away, and my other friend has started being dry. No one texts me anymore, at least that's how it seems.

I wish I could cry in his arms, but he's out of my reach. I wish me and him lived next to each other. I wish he chose me over her, but that's silly, isn't it? We would've never worked out. We're better off as friends.

I feel so alone. I haven't talked to anyone in so long. I want to ask my friend is she wants to go out tomorrow after school, but I know she's going with her boyfriend. That's okay. I'm just jealous.

I wish I was happier. What's wrong with me? After he died it's all been so fucked. All of it. I changed and I wish I didn't. I was so happy, so peaceful. My head was empty, but now? I don't know.

I feel like crying all the time. I wish I had a friend I could always rely on.

I mean, maybe I do have them. One comes to mind in particular, but he has a girlfriend and school work and other friends.

I'm so sad, I'm such a downer. I just think I should die sometimes. It's so hard. Every day is harder than the last, so when does it get better? It has to be better eventually, right?

Nothing feels right anymore. None of my clothes, my shoes, my face, my skin. I'm on the brink of breaking but I don't know what is going to break. Me? My mind? My tears? My life? I don't know. I wish I knew peace.

[me-andmy-growth]

i can't die. so many people would cry.

but that's the problem though, isn't it? no matter how many people you know would cry, you still think none of them would even notice.

they would, because they love me.

because they'd genuinely take a bullet for me. they share their life secrets with me and invite me over for dinner and make me tea and let me sleep in their bed and always, always ask if i'm okay

i want to die but that's so selfish. my mum and sister and dad and friends and cousins and grandparents - they'd cry and mourn and i can't put them through it that again

[me-andmy-growth]

i'm so tired, i'm so lonely. god please forgive me. god i beg of you, take me out of my misery

please, god, i beg you. i want to feel nothing, i just want to exist and read and sit and cry. im not good at anything else.

please, god, just kill me

[me-andmy-growth]

im over it now, i'm just glad she's still in my life. i don't know what i would've done then.

i don't know what happened, i was so...happy? for a good amount of time. i was surrounded by people that love me and people who trust their life secrets with me. i still am, but something changed and i don't know what.

i just woke up one day and it was all different. my mum and sister are gone, just me and my dad. maybe that's it?

i dread going home every day, i cry because of him daily, and i sometimes think that everything would be so much easier in a coffin.

i'm cold but i'm so damn warm i'm practically emitting infrared, i'm surrounded by so many fucking people but im still lonely. how?! how!!!

i was at peace and suddenly i'm not. what happened? why is my head so busy? it used to be so quiet, and now i'm just...tired. exhausted. of everything.

i think i'm disgusting when i eat more than 1,200 calories a day. i can eat 1,800. i had 1,600 today and i feel sick. so sick. so full and disgusting i wish could vomit it all but i can't.

i'm such a downer i don't know how people are friends with me. i'm so ugly ill never find anyone. i don't let myself have crushes because i know there's 0% chance of them liking me back, so i just don't bother.

some boys a year younger sat opposite me on thursday. i was sitting in the canteen doing my homework and waiting for my friends - i wasn't eating or drinking anything. i was just sitting there doing homework. of course they did the "i'm just asking for your snap" thing.

i know i'm ugly. i know im fat. i know im hideous to look at i fucking know. i know ill never be someone's crush. i know im a waste of space. a waste of time. a waste of resources. i know i know i fucking KNOW

another one tried to do the same thing but suddenly my much prettier friends came and sat down with me. they all walked away immediately.

my friends are so much pettier, so much skinnier. they can get any guy they want. each of them have some sort of love life and i just...don't. i'm too fat and too ugly and i want to cry. i'm so unloveable it's crazy

[me-andmy-growth]

it's been many months since i last uploaded. i wish it stayed that way.

i thought i was happy, and i am. sort of.

my soulmate left. maybe that means she wasn't my soulmate

but then why did she take half of me with her?

she was my reward for my patience. she was my future. she was my everything. and now i'm her nothing.

she was my first relationship, and i wish it could've been my last

i imaged us having kids together. living together. kissing. holding hands. dancing. baking. ice skating. singing. shopping.

she's unhappy, though.

i've never cried more

how do i replace the star i orbit?

how do i move on from the lantern guiding my lonely boat?

how do i live without my heart and soul?

[me-andmy-growth]

god gives his hardest naps to the eepiest of soldiers

[me-andmy-growth]

my brother is not my brother.

by blood he is. me and him share the same mama.

but he is not my brother.

brothers don’t force you to drink until your drunk at 12 years old

brothers don’t attack your mum and break her nails at 10

brothers don’t abuse your sister at 8

my brother learnt a lesson on that dreaded day. the day the glass was hurled and a scar on his forehead healed,

that he is not my brother.

[me-andmy-growth]

i hold my sister’s hair as she vomits in the toilet

and i wonder where

at a point in time

did she step down from the stairs

and stayed at the bottom

[me-andmy-growth]

my friend missed me so much she ran to hug me. then she interlocked our arms as we walked.

i’m at peace

[me-andmy-growth]

the problem is is that so many people love me. my friends, my family, my partner, and yet i still feel alone. kinda.

it’s weird, because i know that i can text any one of them and they’ll answer happily, engaging in conversation and laughing at my silly jokes.

so why is it that i feel so…lonely.

i’m not lonely, and yet i feel like no one understands me. or not as much as i’d like them to.

but i would never help them understand, because under the pretence of laughter and changing subjects, im 8 years old on my sofa at 12 am, writing a suicidal letter on my computer’s notes app, dedicated to my mum and only my mum. because i knew she would cry

i want my mama

[me-andmy-growth]

i might be the writer, but you will always be the words

you and i, my dear, will one day be in our 30’s living in our little house, and you will wake me up and i will make us breakfast and you will feed our cats

and i will do the dishes and you will wipe the windows and i will clean the floors and you will dust the cabinets

and you’ll stand across from me at the dining table, reading our grocery list, muttering to yourself about the rain and wet slippery roads

and i will sit and listen and smile

and i will listen

[me-andmy-growth]

“to be loved is to be changed”

“the world is spinning, we can’t just stand on it”

“one day we will be someone’s mom or dad, but right now, she is here, and she is beautiful”

“love hurts so so much, but a life without love is not a life worth living”

“time will pass anyways”

i’m happy because i have everything and everyone i’d ever need.

i’m happy because i have all i want.

i’m happy

[me-andmy-growth]

i’d choose the love of my life. my beauty and my pride and my laughter and my kindness and my artists and my inventor and my dearest in every universe

in every possibility, we end up together

whether it be from birth, or at the very end, me and you, my dear, we spend the rest of eternity together

and i’m not scared, because i know you and i are no longer going to be apart. because we are one, and together we’ll live

because i want to live with you

because i want to live

because i want to

because i want

[me-andmy-growth]

if she leaves she’ll be taking a piece of me with her, and coincidentally it’ll be my heart, because she’s the only thing keeping me from spiralling

[me-andmy-growth]

i’m sad but i’m not. i’m sad when i think about the things and people and opportunities i’ve lost, but i’m happy because it led to me being where i am now

and now is sitting across my best friend at my table eating my mum’s dinner

now is laying beside her at a sleepover eating ice cream and making each other laugh so hard we get told off

now is dressing up together and laughing when we look ridiculous

now are the photos and memories i’ve made with her because she is my life and she was the first thing that made me happy in my miserable 13 years of life.

i’m 16 this year, in november. in 4 months

she doesn’t realise that she made me happy

she doesn’t know that she was genuinely the one and only thing that helped pull me from my 3 year depressive episode

and she never will.

[me-andmy-growth]

im sensitive. i cry because i feel and i cry because it hurts

because it proves that i’m alive

i love crying, because it makes me feel good after. i cry at sad graves and inspirational quotes and memories that aren’t mine all because they scream of a childhood i wish i had

i cry until the snot rolls down my lips and until the tears are fat and i’ve rubbed them away so many times my cheeks are raw

i cry until my face is red and my eyes are crystals, because i know the relief and the release can come

i cry because if i don’t i’ll build it all up until i can’t anymore

i cry because it’s the only way i know how to feel

i cry because i can.