mead0ws06 - Tumblr blog

[mead0ws06]

Get Your Mom Something Nice!

*And support an artist struggling to get rent paid this month!

Suspended In A Moment Of Pure Delight, Aren't You Sweet

Midnight In the Lunar Garden

Giggles, I Give You My Hearts, Merrily We Go Along

Siren's Song

Spring Fling, On Fire, Can't Forget the Feelings

Discounted Direct Sales and Commissions Also Available via

Venmo and Paypal

[mead0ws06]

Got a request on insta to draw those two ehehe (i will have to work on Murase's design a bit more one day but anyway) love those two sm Let's ignore the fact i posted yesterday, i love posting and i'm too impatient to wait days aughhhh

[mead0ws06]

putting this entire analysis in my pocket

Chuuya´s analysis part 2: Humanity and contradictions

Stormbringer is by far the most important piece if we want to understand chuuya because this is the moment his view of life is challenged. We follow chuuya through stormbringer, we get to see how doubtful, scared and confused he is about his humanity and we also see a side of him that he constantly hides.

“I told you, Chuuya”

He looked up in the direction of the sudden voice. It was a familiar voice, one that belonged to the person he hated most in this world.

“Your birth itself was a mistake. We´re the same. Is there really a point to suffering through all that pain for a life that isn´t even real?” - Hallucination of Dazai. Stormbringer

Dazai and Chuuya constantly claim the hate they have for each other. A lot of that hate is because their history of them being assholes with each other, a lot of it is just posturing but a lot of it is because of this. They share the same problem but the way they face it is incompatible. Especially on chuuya´s side. During sb we learn that Chuuya /understands/ Dazai, not because he tries to but because deep down he thinks the same. But he /never/ lets himself think about this, because if he does he will drown and he can´t do that.

You can ignore most of this analysis because the only real important thing to understand is that chuuya is a figher.

That´s his core as a character.

Chuuya fights every godamn hour of every day. He fights with himself, he fights against his ability, he fights for his humanity, he fights for the people he loves, he fights when everyone already gave up. He has lost /so much/ through his life and never complains about it, he keeps going on because that´s what he was taught to do. He has gave up so many things. He can´t say that he is tired, he can´t be afraid, he can´t stop because he was conditioned to be the last man standing not matter what and that´s what he does. Because he has people he cares about and that depend on him so he can´t fall, he can´t ask for help and damn sure he can´t let himself sulk and think about the futility of all, he can´t go with dazai´s nihilistic mentality not matter how much of it he secretly shares because he can´t stop fighting. That would ultimately break him. Chuuya´s outwordly drive to keep advancing despite all the horrible things that happen to him is only possible because he never stops to think about this.

So in a lot of ways, Dazai is like a punch in the face. it´s his worse fears and hidden thoughts in a human form. Dazai, especially 15-18 year old Dazai represents everything he fights about himself. So yes, when I say that chuuya makes a constant, conscious effort to avoid understanding Dazai I´m talking about this (and that´s like half of it, because Dazai´s coping mechanisms also directly clash with chuuya´s whole ideology. Honestly is kinda impressive how Dazai manages to trigger chuuya to that degree)

Now, going back to the analysis I want to say that Stormbringer doesn´t really bring anything new to chuuya´s character, it just consolidates what was already there. It´s when chuuya finally realized something we´ve known all along and it´s because of this that he can finally solve his inner conflict.

“I can feel their lives burning right here, inside me, and till those flames die down. I can´t just do whatever I want. I´m gonna do what I need to. That´s who I am”- Chuuya, stormbringer

“-Why don´t you get it? There isn´t anything you need to do! Live how you want to live! Destroy what you want to destroy! Because there´s only one thing we needed to do, and that was to not be born!(…)

-Just shup up- Chuuya´s eyes burned with fierce determination. -Maybe that´s what you wanna do, but don´t shove your belief down my throat. Cause that ain´t ´t how I feel at all.

Several shadow ran thorugh the light in his eyes.

His friends in the sheep.

His friends in the Port Mafia.

The light in his eyes was determination. It was the powerful brilliance of humankind, something gaines only through encounters and partings with other people.

-You´ve been completely wrong from the very start- Chuuya spat in disgust- “Being born was a mistake”? Sounds like the kind of garbage Dazai would spew, and no way in hell am I ever gonna think the way he does!”- Verlaine and chuuya, stormbringer.

This scene is so important to chuuya´s development as a character because this is the first time he defines himself as an individual in his own terms and  independently of his origin. He is a person, and he is the kind of person that will do what it needs to be done and he will do it for the people that is important to him. That´s simply who he is. That´s his identity as a human being. That´s why I get mad when people are fighting about chuuya´s humanity. Yes, at the end is really hinted that he is the original one but that´s not important. Because the whole point of the novel is that humanity is more than origin. It doesn´t matter if chuuya was born as a human being or created in a lab because at the end of the day he is human because of the ties he has with the people around him.

Different from Dazai, Chuuya gets this solution from existentialism. Existentialism is a form of philosophy that explores the issue of human existence. Existencialism basically says that purpose and meaning in life doesn´t come from external forces such as God, fate or a bigger power but instead is entirely determined by ourselves and that´s exactly what chuuya does. It doesn´t matter that life in senseless, it doesn´t matter if he was created only as a weapon, it doesn´t matter if he shouldn´t have existed in the first place. None of it matters. Because he is already here and he will give himself a purpose. And God, I´m gonna stop here to say that this is such a chuuya thing to do. He fights what everyone around him is telling him and he fights himself, yes, he may understand Dazai and verlaine´s nihilistic mentality but he ultimately decides to reject it. Chuuya will fight even the absurdity of life, in a way is fucking hilarious and as a Dazai kinnie I can wholeheartedly understand how this is so annoying for him. Because here we are needing sense, getting paralyzed because of the ucertainty of the world and just trying to keep living despite being constantly overwhelmed because the aburdity of all and then there are people like chuuya that realized the same thing but they keep going, people like chuuya that just push their way through life like it´s not a big deal, people like chuuya that never  give up even when is the logical thing to do. And as maddening as it is, maybe this is the real reason why Chuuya is my favorite character, he can do something I don´t. His will to fight despite everyting? How he gets up every single time? is not something I can do.

Okay so sorry for the projection in the middle of it. Let´s continue with the analysis.

The whole point is that Chuuya doesn´t care if his reason to keep going is not trascendental, he doesn´t care if it´s illogical, he doesn´t care if in the great scheme of things it doesn´t mean anything. Because it´s important to him, it´s enough to him and that´s all that matters. Chuuya has people he loves, he has emotional ties with them and Chuuya clings to them with desperation because it is  what impulses him to keep going. I need you to understand this, every single character is bsd have people they love and appreciate but for chuuya? it´s a whole different deal. They are so much more than that. They are not only people he loves, they are the direct representation of his humanity (which I remind you is the most important aspect of his characterization) he finds a purpose and a sense in this bonds, he finds an /identity/ thanks to this bonds. And that´s why he will do absolutely everything to preserve them. Yes, the biggest difference between Chuuya and kunikida is that when chuuya says that he will do what needs to be done, he is not talking about ideals, he´s saying that he will give everything of him for the people he loves.

Now, everything should be fine, right? Chuuya learns to accept his humanity to a certain extent, he gives himself a purpose, everything is /fine/ except it´s not and this lead us to the second and biggest contradiction about chuuya and this is which ultimately brings another thousand contradiction in his character: Nowadays his biggest conflict is not the original problem anymore, it´s the solution he gave to that problem.

And it´s the most tragic contradiction in earth because his relationships with people is what makes him keep going but at the same time it´s also what keeps him stuck (I´m discussing that later). And it hurts so much because yes, they give them an identity, a purpose but he also sacrifices /too much/ of himself in the name of this relationships.

He is conventionally brave, he is not like atsushi, he never hesitates, he never doubts but it´s not in a healthy way. Chuuya is not brave for the sake of being brave. He is brave because there was never another option to him, he doesn´t let himself feel afraid. During stormbringer he experimented more suffering than most of the characters in the story, he went against a giant beast, he was tortured, freakingg hell, his biggest fear all along was to discover that he wasn´t human but he decides to know because the flags investigated his past. He was terrified but he forced himself to ask because “I have an obligation to know for their sake” not for him, for the flags.

And let´s not talk about how corruption is his worst fear turned true, let´s not talk about how it represents the lack of humanity and how that may affect the character whose whole main arc revolves around seeking humanity, let´s not talk about how he goes against his worse fear once and once again to protect the city and the organization he loves. There is only one thing that chuuya wanted, all this time he only wanted to know if he was a human or if he wasn´t and in stormbringer he gave up even that. He decides to use corruption fully knowing that he will lose his opportunity to know and he doesn´t care if by doing it, he can save people.

He has a moral compass but he sacrifices it in the name of the people he loves. He  cares about people but he also mass murder if that benefits his organization. He appreciates life, but he´s so ready to die and destroy himself if by doing that he can be useful for the people he cares about. His pathological loyalty is also explained by this, it doesn´t matter if they betrayed him or hurt him, he will still be there for them because he puts this relationships over everything. He even sacrifices his emotions, I´ve said it before but chuuya didn´t even let himself cry after he saw his friends in pieces because he put albatross needs over his own pain. He got into an organization he didn´t even wanted to be in because by doing it he could save the people that  stabbed him in the back. To this day I´m haunted by the fact that in the entirety of stormbringer, chuuya only let himself be vulnerable once, he only screamed once. When he was being tortured, and in agony, he let himself scream but he only did it because no one there cared. If a person he loves had been there, then chuuya would´ve hold it in, he would never let himself cry because he will never let himself be a worry for the people he cares about. His whole ability is a reminder of everything he went through, of everything that makes him different, of all his pain but he doesn´t resent his ability because he can protect the people he loves with it, that powerful ability is just another responsibility he needs to carry. He is powerful so he needs to protect those that aren´t.

Chuuya is so selfless that it actually is a fucking flaw. From all the characters in bsd, he is the one who sacrifices the most and the craziest thing about it? He doesn´t even notice because in his mind he´s doing what needs to be done. In the CD drama he says to akutagawa that self sacrifice is a pathetic excuse for weak people but he does it all the time, except that he doesn´t think about what he does as self sacrifice, for him is just the natural thing to do. Chuuya constantly makes pyramids and he puts himself at the bottom of them. He is ready to give everything for the people he loves but he never expects the same of them. He loves unconditionally, but he doesn´t think that he can be loved in the same way. He needs to push himself, he needs to be useful.

“-Why- A flash of uneasiness briefly colored chuuya´s expression- Why would you go through all this (…)

-It´s nothing particularly serious- Said Lippmann. Baffled by chuuya´s reaction, he eyed the rest of the group- If we had to come up with a reason, though…it´s because you´re our friend. Were things different in the sheep?

They had been. That was what Chuuya flustered expression was saying. Everyone in the sheep depended on him. The contrary was unthinkable”- The flags and Chuuya, stormbringer.

Chuuya doesn´t know how to accept kindness, he doesn´t know how to react to people caring about him. Because that´s his job. He is never in the opposite side of it. And when he finally was, he lost it and even then he never thinks about all the shitty things that happen to him, he never complains about the unfairness of it. He just keeps going, he takes every single blow and he never let himself make a sound.

Do you see the contradictions now? The love he has for his people may be the foundation of his identity, but he also sacrifices a thousand of things about himself  to protect them. No one can live like that. He lives in a perpetual state of contradiction. What he believes in, what he feels and what he does never fucking allign. And honestly this is part of what makes his character so fucking good, because this contradictions narratively speaking make perfect sense. Is not that he is lying, is not lack of self awareness, is not a hole in his characterization. if you stop to analyze the character this contradictions make perfect sense for him. And this trait is why chuuya gives this impression of being predictably unpredictable.

During the first light novel Dazai describes kunikida like this:

“I´ve got a good idea of who you are now, so nothing you do will ever surprise me. I mean, compared with me, you´re just a simple man with a simple mind, after all (…) See? You wear your heart in your sleeve. You don´t hide how you´re really feeling”- Dazai, Osamu Dazai´s entrance exam

And you´ve probably noticed by now, but a lot of this description somewhat applies for chuuya too. But Dazai´s reaction to chuuya is usually this one:

Even knowing Chuuya better than anyone else, Dazai has consistently been surprised or doubting chuuya´s actions. During stormbringer he didn´t know if chuuya was going to use corruption, because a normal person don´t go through life sacrificing their most wanted thing. During fifteen, he was extermely curious about his relationship with the sheep, because chuuya´s arrogance doesn´t make sense with the way he lets himself be used. He thought that Chuuya was going to kill N because that would´ve been the normal reaction to have but he didn´t. At  22, he hoped that chuuya was going to use corruption to save him but the whole point was that he could never be 100% sure because a normal person won´t go through life facing their worst fear just because of trust. And Dazai is not the only one unbalanced by chuuya, the flags were constantly surprised by him, rimbaud didn´t know what to do of him. Verlaine thought that after all the suffering, chuuya would grow up to hate the world just like he did, but chuuya didn´t. There is this whole scene in which Adam and shirase are facing verlaine and he knows that they will die, he goes through all the possibilities but there´s no way they make it but then chuuya appears

“The 169 outcome. An unthinkable possibility

-Unbelievable- I instinctively muttered”- Adam, stormbringer

Adam is an AI, he was made to think about all the logical options and he never thought of that one. Because no normal person will go and fight when all logic is saying that they will lose. But Chuuya does it, he goes and fight expeting to win, giving his all because he will not let his friends die.

Kunikida is relatively easy to predict because he will stick to his ideals as much as possible and because of that is easy to read his actions and the way he will act (to a certain extent, of course) Chuuya is as easy to manipulate as kunikida is but he is far more difficult to accurately predict. Chuuya may be as genuine and honest as kunikida is but he doesn´t stick to anything. He will go against the very basis of himself for the people he loves. Worse than that a lot of his actions and decisions are incredibly complicated because he does a thousand of mental mallabarisms that somehow make sense for him. He will kill, steal and blackmail but outside of job? He respects the traffic laws, he thinks that kids shouldn´t drink alcohol and help grandmothers cross the street. Does that make any sense to you? He will die and kill a stranger no doubt if by doing that he can protect the mafia but sacrificing a friend? Yeah, that´s not gonna happen. He simply can´t do it. So chuuya is fine with killing but only under specific conditions and that applies to everything he does. He lives in constant contradiction and that´s a problem because he won´t be able to keep it eternally. Every single time he goes against something he believes in, is a hit, even if he doesn´t let himself see it.  And is fucking terrifying because we all talk about what´s gonna happen when Dazai breaks down, but I´m asking what´s gonna happen if chuuya is the one who breaks down? Because it´s gonna be fucking catastrophic, Chuuya doesn´t know how to bend, he will just keep going until he breaks. He will just keep going until he completely destroys himself.

Now I feel like this is a good time to answer the first question. If chuuya has so many hero-like qualities then why is he in the sides that kill people? why is he a morally grey character? By now I think is pretty evident that Chuuya is not a violence oriented character, he may be agressive and blunt, he is bad tempered but almost every single time he attacks is because he is trying to protect his people or in benefit of them. Yes, he is impulsive and he enjoys a good fight but he never attacks just for the sake of it. He may be arrogant and powerful but none of that is the answer. The real reason Chuuya is a morally grey character is because he chooses.

For him, some people are more important than others.

And just like I´ve been saying in all this analysis, chuuya is ready to do /everything/ for the group of people he chooses. He will kill and die for them. He will go against his moral code a thousand times for them. This certainly doesn´t excuse chuuya´s behavior though. The reality is that no matter his motivation, his actions are still bad by the moral code but just like Dazai, Chuuya is not a moral oriented character. And honestly I will forever find fascinating, that Dazai have all the attributes that we would expect of a bad person but he is in the side that saves people, he is doing his best to protect. Meanwhile, chuuya is an almost text book definition of a hero and still is in the side that kills people. The most fascinating thing though, is that they´re both morally grey characters just in completely different ways. Dazai still does a lot of bad things, it just happens that the ultimate result is a “good” one. Chuuya is constantly doing horrible things, but he also sacrifices himself constantly for the city he loves, and he has saves lots of lives by doing it.

Now going back to topic, yes chuuya chooses but that this is not a mafia-only thing. People in the light does it as well.

Tanizaki is the most obvious one, it has never been a secret that he would burn the world for Naomi and he is the only ADA character that actively has risked (and potentially killed) a complete innocent person in the name of saving Naomi. Ranpo did it as well, during the cannibalism arc he is the first one to suggest killing Mori because he priorized Fukuzawa not only over Mori´s life (which is natural) but also over the whole moral code of the ADA. And later in the story, he is the only one who wants to refuse the job that we now know that ruined the agency. The whole point of it, is not that the ADA didn´t believe in ranpo, is that if they didn´t took the job innocent people were gonna die and that goes against everything the ADA believes in, but not for Ranpo. He was perfectly fine with letting those people die if he could save his family, if he could save the ADA by refusing the job. Tecchou is a hunting dog, his whole character revolves around justice but he was ready to go against that because Jouno was lost, and that was more important for him than the fucking world. Yes, chuuya actively kills but all of this characters have proved that they would do it too under the right circumstances.

And with this I can finally write the last part of this analysis: Chuuya nakahara shouldn´t be in the mafia, his coping mechanisms and how his character is stuck.

[mead0ws06]

Tiny skk Thunderstorm Megacomic part 1 - part 2 ↓

Continued under the cut ↓

...

❤

Chuuya had managed to hide that (very embarrassing) fear of lightning for all those years through careful movement planning, dubious self-control and luck. Today is probably not the day he'll talk about it, but lucky for him, he wasn't the only one here who would have liked to keep more stuff to himself.

[mead0ws06]

some fucking resources for all ur writing fuckin needs

* body language masterlist

* a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does

* a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes

* 550 words to say instead of fuckin said

* 638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again

* some more body language help

(hope this helps some ppl)

[mead0ws06]

There was one line in that last volume right before where the pages had been torn out. It was something the protagonist said to the assassin. “People live to save themselves. It’s something they realize right before they die.” - Oda Sakunosuke, Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era

He had told me his name the first time we met. I had forgotten it for so long, but it was only just recently that I remembered. His name was Souseki Natsume. The same name as the name of the author on the cover of that novel. - Oda Sakunosuke, Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era

[mead0ws06]

yahoo some unrelated dazai art

[mead0ws06]

Learn ASL

These are some online resources, but ASL is a three dimensional language. The best way to learn is in person with a Deaf teacher. Check your local Deaf center for more resources and events. These resources provide a good place to start and build your vocabulary

Lessons, Quizzes, Dictionaries

ASLDeafined.com (Lessons in ASL, Deaf Culture/History, Interpreter information, and Dictionary) This one is $36/year. It's my favorite because it's structured well and asl includes lessons on Deaf culture and historical figures. When I took ASL classes from my local Center of the Deaf, they used this resource to structure the classes.

SigningSavvy.com (ASL Dictionary and beginner's info)

Lifeprint.com (Dictionary and beginner’s info)

aslpro.com (ASL dictionaries; and quizzes)

Videos, News, Vlogs, Podcasts

Watching native signers sign, even if it's above your current level, will help you learn much faster and more naturally

aslized.org (stories, jokes, poems and speeches in ASL)

Sign1News (News stories in ASL. They also have a YouTube channel and app)

The ASL Lab (YouTube channel; goes into depth about specific signs and grammatical structures)

What the Deaf?(podcast by two Deaf women explores different perspectives and challenges. Season 2 focuses on the film industry. You can listen in English and/or watch in ASL)

[mead0ws06]

A fantastic resource for learning sign language FOR FREE is the ASL University website

Dr. Bill Vicars, who is deaf / hard of hearing, "has been offering online sign language instruction since 1997", and still adds to his websites to this day. After much research, he has determined the most commonly used words and created his lessons "moving from most frequently used to less frequently used" words and concepts. So what does this website offer?

Lessons that include a teaching video, vocabulary list, sentences containing words learned, practice quizzes, and information on deaf culture and asl grammar

A section on the 100 most commonly used signs

A dictionary that has (1) Written description of how to sign the word, along with pictures, gifs, and videos, (2) Sample sentences showing how to use the word, and the appropriate context, often with accompanying videos, (3) In-page links to signs with similar appearance or meaning, (4) Common variations of the sign, (5) Questions he's answered regarding that words

There's more on the website, including pages on signing the alphabet and one with deaf/HoH jokes that's got some gems, but those listed above are the features I find most helpful for beginners. GOOD LUCK 😁

[mead0ws06]

ASL Resources For Beginners~

This is for a friend of mine who's asking for some good resources to start learning ASL!

ASL, which stands for American Sign Language, is a beautiful and complex visual language used primarily by Deaf and Hard of Hearing (HOH) people.

As a HOH person myself, I was never given the opportunity to learn ASL and I think it would have been very useful to me growing up if it had been offered to me. The last year and a half, I've been learning it to change that! Here's a series of resources I've used that I've found very helpful in learning ASL!

Alphabet (Slow): YouTube Video that goes through the Alphabet slowly multiple times. I found this video very useful to easily memorize the full alphabet (with practice for a week or so afterwards)! Even though it's catered for kids, I still find it very useful!

ASL Numbers 1-100: A YouTube playlist of multiple videos that teaches you ASL numbers 1-100. If you want a single video that goes through the entire 1-100 numbering, click here. Even though it's catered for kids, I still find it very useful!

The ASL App: A learning app for ASL that you can download on your phone or other electronic device. It has 387 free short videos for beginners in ASL, and 1,633 more short videos with their $10 membership (1 time buy, not monthly). It's a great beginner app, with or without the membership!

20 Beginner Phrases: Here's a video that has a lot of good basic phrases to learn! It teaches you things such as: "Hello" "I'm learning Sign Language" "My name is..." And many more!

ASL 1 Lessons by Bill Vicars: A playlist of YouTube video lessons taught through sign! I would recommend checking these out once you have a bit more of a foundation in vocabulary!

DOs and DONTs of interacting with the Deaf Community: A good video explaining some of the ways you should and shouldn't interact with the Deaf Community when learning or using Sign Language

HandSpeak ASL Dictionary: This is a great database where you can look up how to sign various words!

ASL Fingerspelling Receptive Practice: This website provides a series of short videos of fingerspelled words that you then type out to see if you interpreted it correctly. Its great visual practice! Fingerspelling is an important skill in ASL so I highly recommend practicing as much as possible!

American Sign Language (ASL) Masterlist: A useful Tumblr masterlist with an extensive amount of links for multiple different needs, such as resources, linguistics, and ASL/Deaf websites with videos, news, vlogs, etc.

'ASL Basics' Lessons by Chris Gorges: A playlist of YouTube basics and helpful tips. He gives clear explanations for a series of different concepts, and they really help to build your vocabulary and understanding!

I hope some of you find these resources helpful! Don't forget that one of the best ways to learn sign language is by practicing with other people, ESPECIALLY with someone who's deaf! I might add to this as I find more resources and links that I think would be beneficial! Thanks for reading!💜

[mead0ws06]

I haven't slept and I'm filled with rage. I hate that stupid green owl. Heres some resources for beginner language learners

1. Install anki. It's a flash card program that uses spaced repetition. Essentially, it optimizes study by showing cards you struggle with more frequently while showing easy cards less frequently. It's amazing for learning vocab. It's web and computer versions are free, the iphone version costs 25$ but there are alternatives. There is also an android version made by a 3rd party thats free.

2. Find a deck. There are plenty of free shared decks on ankiweb. Ive also heard good things about Xefjord's Complete Language Series which features over 100 different languages. Refolds premium decks cost money, but they are high quality. It can take time to find a deck that works best for you and I highly reccomend switching to a deck that you made yourself eventually. I highly encourage picking a deck with native audio if you can.

3. Grammar. Here is a collection of resources for a variety of languages. Here is another one that has more on linguistics.

4. Misc resources.

this is a site that let's you listen to radio stations around the world

this let's you make anki cards from TV and movies in your target language

this is a list of easy to comprehend materials in various languages

There's tons of great language specific resources out there you just have to find them. Here's one specifically for Japanese learners.

[mead0ws06]

Chuuya's favourite movie is a slice of life, romance movie. It's a low budget, made for tv movie, that if Chuuya didn't have a physical copy of, would have probably been lost to time.

The plot is fairly average, a guy's down on his luck, meets a girl, they fall in love ect. It's as formulaic as they come. Nothing particularly bad or good happens in the movie, the conflict is hardly there. If this movie was a flavour it would be vanilla.

Asking Chuuya what he likes about this movie doesn't help to understand his attachment to it. He'll just shrug and say "I like that its simple." There are plenty of other movies Chuuya really likes too and if you ask him about those, he can go off on whole tangents about why he likes those movies.

When Chuuya's had a long day and he's tired, he curl up on the sofa with a blanket and a warm drink and watch this movie. He's seen it thousands of times. The ending is really lackluster. Yet when he's feeling particularly lonely he'll be teary eyed by the time the credits roll.

So why this movie? Well, its one of Lippmann's earliest leading roles. Chuuya found it by accident one day, idly flicking through channels, and made it his mission to find a copy so he could watch it over and over. Because in this movie exists a world were nothing bad ever happened to Lippmann. Where the last thing Chuuya sees of him is his smiling face and not a corpse dropping from car trunk.

[mead0ws06]

Searching for memories that aren’t there, this heart of mine Closes itself up, languishes like an old moldy box of trinkets And then there are these sunken cheeks, these cracked lips- Bitterness bred in cruelty comes rushing out in silence…

I’ve grown accustomed to it all, and have leaned to bear it But sometimes any degree of loneliness can bring you down And while I cannot know for sure, sometimes it seems as if These tears are no longer tears for having loved someone…

- Nakahara Chūya, “Poem of the Sheep” from Poems of the Goat

[mead0ws06]

[CODE 1]

[mead0ws06]

i love the idea that bsd abilities all have "breaking points" or symptoms of overuse, but not singularities. singularities are rare. we know this. almost every self-sustaining singularity has died from an overload of power. that's why chuuya's is so impressive.

but symptoms of overuse. abilities clearly have the ability to become larger than life, to become more than the user can bear; shibusawa's ability keeping him going after death, rimbaud's ability and the paradox it/he created after his death that eventually saved verlaine.

chuuya, who does not often overuse tainted, looking down and seeing his fingertips turn charcoal black like rot, his veins turning dark like poison pumped into his system. tanizaki, waving his own hand in front of his face and only seeing a blurry distortion, a hazy filter of a digital scape. dazai, cold and shivering all the time because no longer human leaves this gaping hole inside his chest and the overuse of it makes him physically ill, too. kunikida, his hands so shaky he can't write, perpetually uncertain whether what he's touching is even real. yosano, who's ability will sometimes only half-heal someone, leeching off of her, permanent exhaustion, sick by something that she can't heal because abilities are like poison.

[mead0ws06]

*gnawing at own forearm* do you ever think about the fact that the only time we clearly see oda in the main series is right when dazai's about to go on a speech that presents bsd's underlying philosophy & driving force for the agency?

"An ex-hitman has no right to turn good." ...do you really think that? That's utter nonsense.

of course it's nonsense – because turning good is what oda wanted for himself, even before he wanted it for dazai. oda didn't want to kill; he wanted to write. of course turning good is achievable – because that's what oda was trying to do. for dazai, that's proof enough that it's possible. he believes it because oda did.

and then!! he keeps going!!!

so you want to be good. you killed people and you want to be good and you don't think you can be, because of who you've been until now.

What should one do when what they want is at odds with reality?

you do what oda did, what the agency does: you fight for it, because that's all you can do.

What do we fight for? How should we live? Nobody can give us the answers to these questions – all we have is the right to agonize over them.

all you can do is try to make it happen, stumbling the entire way, getting lost trying to find your answers. recklessly dashing through the gutter, like stray dogs caked in mud.

this is what dazai believes, because he's seen it happen – with oda, and then with the agency. the ADA gives out second chances to anyone who's trying to be good, to fight to create meaning for themselves.

oda told dazai to be good, and the agency gave him the opportunity to act on it. so when he's trying to convince kyouka that she, too, can be good – that she can join the agency and leave the darkness she's been living in... of course he thinks of oda. of course.

[mead0ws06]

Mansplain = Raskolnikov

Malewife = Razumikhin

Girlboss = Dunya

Change my mind