meander-o-blog - Tumblr blog

[meander-o-blog]

On Making Connections

Today, I realized the toll being unemployed can have on your emotions. I was with the same people I had been with a month earlier but I felt heavier. I felt distracted, more distant, less engaged and less fun. I showed up but there was an air of "I don't care" that surprised me. It wasn't me.  It'll change soon but damn is this a beast.  

[meander-o-blog]

On Practicing

Today I learned that practicing really does make perfect. All my life I have been afraid of interviews. I constantly told myself I wasn't good at them, that I got too nervous. Today I had a damn good interview. I felt comfortable, confident and knowledgeable. I felt like I accurately communicated my experience and passion. It's always a fine line between sounding full of yourself and sounding like you know your shit. I think I walked it pretty damn well today. I also went to my first CARW meeting. People were so friendly and welcoming; it made it easy for me to want to come back. Some thoughts I had were: the white dudes are still taking up too much space and they should really consider folks who are unemployed when talking about their membership/how much $$ you've donated to organizations. Other than that, it felt productive and well-organized and the community vibe was strong

[meander-o-blog]

Claiming emotional space

Yesterday, I learned to claim my emotional space. I learned that someone, no matter how much they think they know me or whatever sense of entitlement they have over me, have no right to declare when I can and cannot be emotional. As I sat in the car, weeping, the person on the other end of the line tried to tell me to "calm down" to "stop crying", that only then could we have a rational conversation. As if the words coming out of my mouth weren't rational. As if suddenly my words because invalid because they had emotion latched onto them. I responded, "No. You don't get to tell me to stop crying. There is nothing wrong with crying" Claiming that space was one of the most empowering feelings I've ever had. I was raised to believe I had to "be tough", that being emotional meant you weren't coherent and worthy of a conversation. Now I see that people tell you to stop crying because it makes them uncomfortable, because they don't know how to handle it and because they have this warped conception that it's a sign of weakness. In reality, it's simply a mechanism for silencing. Just another way of tone-policing. OTHER LESSONS LEARNED (because when you're unemployed, you've got a lot of time to think): -each company has different hiring timelines which make it extremely inconvenient to pursue multiple job leads simultaneously -I am longing for places because of comfort, because of familiarity and because of connections. I can attain these here but I have to fight for them -being unemployed is a lesson in self-motivation. you gotta get scrappy, stay motivated, make a daily plan and tackle the shit outta it