meatwadd2

[meatwadd2]

I think at this point I could believe there’s a timer for all this...

Due to the seriousness of this I blocked the entire list of people who follow me, I need some space to type out my thoughts. My real ones, that attack me, and have been draining my life everyday.

In several months now I’ll be 31 years old. I was 25 when I moved here in California. It’ll be a year and a half after I graduated college. Not only that but a month after I turn that old, it’ll have been 10 years since the day of my breakdown. The day everything in my life changed and hurt my younger years. With it, I moved out here to get my first non-food related job, and get a simple 2 year degree. Without it...I had 2 bank accounts, a nice sports car, a good figure, pretty face, confidence, smoked my brains out every day to relax, had plenty of friends, and actually had enough to build an easy future in such a small town in a community that leads to nowhere...and eventually share it with someone I actually had loved and been with in the long run...

But yet here we are....almost a decade later. I thought these feelings were supposed to go away with time. Except now, I’m becoming more accepting of the fact I don’t enjoy who I am. I truly do hate myself. I personally don’t enjoy living either. 

Now, I know it seems stupid to say because i’m 31, im supposed to be this so called adult, and things have changed, yes. How else would you see yourself at an age like this with losing confidence, feeling wasted and empty all the time, as every day you spend countless hours of work, only to stay up at night with only your mind battling itself over and over with the fact that all this work, this pointless nonsensical work, over the last 10 years only placed you back in a home that you can’t even call yours, with 2 jobs that still aren’t enough to really get yourself to afford your own place to call home, without a car, without any personal friends, or groups for that matter that you can personally turn to, and at an age like this I feel like I’m like some kind of creeper, or failed product that people look at and know they shouldn’t have anything to do with. “Oh look there goes whatshisface, he does so much and is a good guy, but he’s so weird for his age.” Isn’t this the time things are supposed to come together? I feel far fucking from it. I feel like i’m slowly going back to have another breakdown, where everything changes for the worse like it did 10 years ago. Or I will finally, and I mean finally, make the decision to end myself, like I should’ve done the night after I saw my brother in the hospital bed. The same day I told him I should’ve been the one doing what he did...not him. I was a very smart kid back then...and I was only 20 when I said that. He never deserved it tho. I was supposed to be a failure all along. Why am I being pulled so far ahead in life like some stupid ironic joke that never had an ending!? It was never funny in the first place to go through so much shit. To feel alone. To have to be in shithole situation after shithole situation, only to be pulled out of it like “heyyyy everythings gonna be ok...for only a second” and then BAM! Shithole city for monthssss.

Honestly sleep and nights haven’t been good to be at all. My body feels like cement, and my head pounds with soo much heavy thought. They say its things like this that a doctor should be attending to, but I’ve been long overdue for any kind of treatment. The way my life has regressed I believe it’s only going to get worse. I don’t know what to do. Its affected my mind, my body, my heart, my actions, my sleep, my social life, and now last but not least, its affecting my jobs. I’m going to have to make adjustments now and think ahead of what I might do if I lose them. Because I don’t trust myself anymore. I could be having to rethink my entire life once again as the year moves forward, and honestly I don’t have what it takes to go through it all again. Not again.

[meatwadd2]

I'm a fucking record player...

When life is always showing some signs of good there's always something that has to tarnish it a bit. Except this time I have been considering this a bit of a issue. Mostly due to my own actions...and my personal habits. At this point I could say I've begun to have a sort of...shall we say, crush? Sounds childish personally...but talking enough in times that I don't have enough for conversation leaves me yearning for more time with this person. Call it even curiosity if so, but I do actually see myself being 100% ok going all in on going out and doing things with this person. Slowing down tho...I don't personally know all about this person, but you wouldnt just wanna go out with someone who you didn't see yourself ever being with if that make sense...correct? But yeah at this point I feel I HAVE to ask this person. I over think my dumb ass so of course I have Plan A all the way to fucking G. My legs start to shake everytime I feel like that moment might be coming around when I see her again, because at this point it's just casual moments I ever see her around, but next time I just want to get it down and over with because this ball of feelings make me sick, mostly because of my negativity. I seriously need to get over myself and keep my focus now, and when the time comes, not become a little chicken shit when I get my opportunity again. Whether she says no or not, I just wanna get this out of my head. Too much anxiety. 🙄😵

[meatwadd2]

Moonlight Kisses

-----------------------

"A little half hearted wondering who you are,

I struggle a bit thinking when I just might,

Finally see the time, my dreams shine a light

Not where I'm here in this normal life,

Stuck in the days that make you wanna cry,

Lord knows im empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Lord knows I'm empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Working hard, yeah work is rough,

Living these times is bad enough,

When you got no one to share it all,

Alone, thats just what it is when you live,

Just what it is when you live what I live,

I feel the cold burning up inside me,

Knowing you could be out there walking blindly,

Not where I'm here in this normal life,

Stuck in the days that make you wanna cry,

Lord knows im empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Lord knows I'm empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Still without ever meeting me,

Dont know who or where you are,

I know someday your going to be with me,

I know someday girl your gonna be here with me,

Moonlight kisses in the dreams I've been wishin,

All night they keep pleasing my hungry soul,

Take me up there with my floating thoughts,

Not where I'm here in this normal life,

Stuck in the days that make you wanna cry,

Lord knows im empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Lord knows I'm empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Waitin's all I got, and it helps me grow,

Can't take back the love that she stole,

But once I found the light my heart was whole,

Sometimes things get to me, everydays another fight,

Lord knows I'm empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright,

Lord knows I'm empty, and one day I'm gonna be alright..."

-Ricky Arguelles /June 12, 2012

Tomorrow will mark 7 years ago that I found myself in the same thought standpoint now as I was back then. Just a little more lost now in the situation I guess. There's alot of hope that's drained from me since, and to tell you the truth I don't see it really coming back. Boy was I a fool writing and believing something like this.

[meatwadd2]

I'm getting old...and it's hurting more and more, not just emotionally, but physically too. Ive got cuts on my fingers and wrists, an aching back, my feet feel horrible, and my left wrist has been bad for a few months but finally healed a bit. I don't get it though. Call me selfish but I don't understand people and thier job habits. You have a job, you wanna keep it, but you call out, no show, say your sick or have emergencies. I don't do that. Haven't called out even before I moved here nor have I flaked a job. I'm tired of working jobs where I'm picking up slack, like...I'm getting too old for this and it just hurts me more. I thought things would be different with better jobs....and it's not. People are still the same. I'm getting tired. I'm getting tired of the slackers too. It's just getting bad and starting to affect me more. I already deal with enough emotional stuff rn. Like please...seriously.

[meatwadd2]

I've worked more than a week straight without a full day off and got burnt out a couple days ago. That stress is starting to seep in again and has got me thinking...again. Nothing like trying to fight the fact of being and knowing that your too distant, awkward, old, and alone from the world around you right? Not being able to write really keeps things bottled up, and I gotta go to sleep rn to work just one more full day before my long awaiting day off Saturday. Oh boy...just gotta keep pushing. Just gotta keep my focus for one more day.

[meatwadd2]

yall ever worked in retail

[meatwadd2]

Some retail complaints from twitter this morning. I don’t think anyone can fully comprehend how stupid humans are until they work a retail or hospitality job.

[meatwadd2]

One day, you’re gonna look around and you’re going to realize that everybody loves you, but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

-Bojack Horseman

[meatwadd2]

Stuff

So many things to keep pushing through, sometimes it seems like it just bundles itself up and stays there, on my mind forever.

Valentine's was a wreck, and it's funny to find myself still lost that I had to get myself caught up in some silly one night stand. Sometimes even when it feels right people don't ever and will never have the same heart as you. I need to understand that concept. People are idiots. As much as I can be relieved she showed her ass early and told me the truth earlier than expected(3 weeks to be exact), it still pisses me off to think for as long as I've tried to wait for, attempt, or even accept any kind of relations that it never works out for me in the end. Irony is bittersweet. This guy is not getting any younger either.

The hours of work are finally settling down...my body was breaking down a bit ever since I switched out my second job and I wasn't doing well in all areas of my being. The money was good and I'm finally looking for a new place again but sleep was definitely needed more than what I had received.

Last night I got a call that my grandmother has stage 4 lung cancer. Something I had been prepared for, for years, since I first came back to an NC vacation, after finding out she didn't quit smoking, again. Sometimes people just can't quit things. That's when I knew that I needed to look away and hope it wasn't going to be sooner than later. The family isn't handling it too good. Of course...I tend to keep away from interacting too much in these cases. Everybody always thought I was a freak for my non reaction to extreme emotional situations all the time back then. So it's better I lay low.

I kinda wish I could show that things were better in my life though, because with all the idiots and awkward situations I've embraced it just seems to be pulled steps backwords.

Maybe someday soon things will come around some more...

[meatwadd2]

❤

[meatwadd2]

the classic gameboy trilogy

[meatwadd2]

Me this winter break

[meatwadd2]

Primrose’s Chapter 2: I SHIP IT!

[meatwadd2]

[Goth Blog]

Source: Leira

[meatwadd2]

♤♡♢♧

[meatwadd2]

Save Points: A literal saving grace, and biggest hint that shit’s about to get fucked.