medicallyme-est1977-2

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

it doesn’t matter how good you’re doing, those sad nights will creep up on you from time to time and that’s ok. doesn’t mean all your progress is gone

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

Reposted from @fuckologyofficial @fuckologyofficial

#fuckology #fuckologyofficial

#fuckologyquotes

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

Remember the moment hasn’t been too bad. No where near as L5/S1 Fusion (10/2010).

This morning has been the worse morning post op. 12.17.2021

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

https://youtu.be/a1CPi631WlU ~ This song IS me.

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

Healingfromptsd on Instagram

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

~ PJE#75 ~ 12.01.2021 ~ Needles|Graston ~

Needles is a simple word for Acupuncture. These go deeper than Acupuncture. Spinal cord stimulator MUST be off to do this. I can’t imagine the pain that would cause. 😆 Never know might work better although I highly doubt it. So I do this every 4-6 weeks. The needles are out in at certain junctions along the spine; tapping the nerve at each one. Some make me jump, some I’ll shed a tear, and a few I don’t feel. Honestly those are my favorite. It’s usually just Troy in the room. Sometimes they’ll ask if students can watch. Idfc but what I say stays in that room. Troy knows. I’m sure he’s gave them a warning about me. I’m crass. Blunt. Don’t give a fuck really. I’ll usually offer an apology before they start doing Needles. I’ve been his longest patient. 10 years and going strong. That’s fucking sad. Makes me angry inside. Angry tears. Those are always good. ~~~~ Graston is a beast. It’s painful as fuck. It’s killer for knots in muscle tissue that’s rock hard. The treatment to maintain my ability to walk is fucking painful each week. It sucks. My mood ~ well I try to be happy sarcastic Toby but some days I just can’t. I just wanna get stoned. Kill every mother fucking nerve in me and be numb. Fucking N.U.M.B. Usually when I go to TheraPlay I’m 2-3 puffs into a good bowl. I tell them to go hard. Fucking work that shit out so I can walk. So I don’t have to use a fucking Walker. I keep it in the truck just in case. I keep 2 canes in it now too. The price to walk shouldn’t be so fucking hard. The price to be pain free is impossible and nothing but a fucking dream. 1st big surgery in a couple of years on Dec. 15. Kayla has to take off of work to help me. Hopefully not for very long. Just enough to get issued to doing things 1 armed. To most people this isn’t a big deal. It’s not. For me though it’s one of those surgeries I’ve been preparing for all my life. As a kid I can remember laying up at Riley during the day time watching the docs & nurses running around; working. At 8yrs old I had a double testicular hernia repaired. I had to stay at Riley for 3-4 days I think. I remember going to school as the kid who had to sit on the fucking pillow. I got sick of explaining that one. One of the fun ones was I had a sinus surgery at like 12yrs old. I told everyone I was in a fight. I wish I had pictures of that. They broke my nose in two places to straighten it so I could breath better. ~~~~ Spinal Fusion at 32years old was really rough. It was so hard. Single and had to stay in a rehab unit at a Nursing Facility. That was the most humbling experience I’ve ever had. It grounded me. It let me know that life isn’t a party. That broken vertebrae were a serious issue and I needed to act accordingly. .. somewhat. 😆 You’re only weak if you’re mentally weak. That’s so true. I’ve spent the past couple of years going from one doc to the next. Making them fuckers richer while I’m a broken fucked up mess. So days I fake the pain. The feelings. The emotions of what I’m really feeling. That’s not good. I can’t do that. That’ll lead down the wrong trails. The dark days have to stay … dark. God built a fighter. I’ve been fighting every fucking day. Some days more than others. Maybe a week ago I had several good days in a row. That was a first in maybe a few YEARS. So I know the good days can be had. 2 weeks of good days hopefully until the next surgical journey begins. ~ ALL WORK MINE ~ TobyA ~

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

God I feel this way a lot.

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

❤️

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

Nerves On Fire ~ Pain Poetry ~ Toby A.

Nerves on Fire, Burning through my skin. Nerves on Fire, Burning in my shin. Nerves of Fire, Burn shooting through the muscle bands. Nerves on Fire, Blazing away within. …. It Blazes through me, Day in and day out. Nerves of Fire rayjin throughout as people look in doubt. “FUCK YOU!!!” I scream silently as they watch me hobble about. Fuckin Flies Bitin’ and Skeeters chewin’; But really I’m Swattin’ and Smackin’ at nothing cuz it’s just the nerves a brewin’. Tinglin’ and Pintchin’ leaves me Fuckin’ Flinchin’. …. Nerves On Fire, Burning in the skin. Nerves on Fire, burning in the shins. Nerves on Fire, Shooting through the muscle bands. Nerves on Fire, blazes away deep within. ….. Today I’ll outstretch Armstrong trying to get a pain fix. Try an keep the pain at bay, away from the end of my dick. Wake up screamin’ at night Bc these muscle fibers are damn tight. ….. Nerves on Fire, burning throughout my skin, Nerves on Fire, Burning in the shin. Nerves on Fire, Burning through the muscle bands. Nerves on Fire, Blazes away from within. Nerves on Fire, I feel like I’m being punished for a fucking sin. Nerves on Fire, Pain Within. Nerves on Fire, watch me smile that fake fucking grin. …. The groin pain with drop me to my knees leave my tough ass begging “god! just stop it please!!!” …. The burn and fire keep me warm where no one would desire. 2 docs pushing nerve meds to help alleviate the pain which controls me more than most knows. My life, fucking blows. Five plus years since I’ve taken the Devils’ Candy. Docs’ wrote me thousands of pain scripts; Oxycodone an Morphine damn near killed me. Withdrawal was hell, kicking the devils spell. Looking back Now, that’s a hard fucking no go never again man fuck that plan. Nerves on Fire, Rages as I walk. Nerves on Fire, Just make it stop. Nerves on Fire, Each step might be my last. Nerves on Fire … Will never be in my past. ~ Toby A. ~ 10.02.2021 ~ ~ MY WORK DO NOT COPY ~

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

I googled my mri results and this is what images I received. I’m thankful that the docs are saying the labrum isn’t severely damaged. Just frayed and worn more since the injuries occurred several months ago. That’s good news. The bad news is I have torn the some key areas around the shoulder socket. (As pictured in above). Idk how this will go. I’m not worried about the surgery. This is just another on the list. 31. #30 was just 8 weeks ago. That problem is much better but will require a surgery at least 2-3 times a year to maintain the issue. Now I only take meds twice a week. I’m thankful that is helping. I was ready to quit, say fuck it. Start selling my shit. Save the money for cremation quit. So I’m very thankful today and everyday I wake up that issue has a fix. The left shoulder was never an issue until August 2020. Hell, I still went kayaking after I broke it. Fucking rowed 6 miles with a stress fractured left gleniod (scapula). That bone looked like a spider had webbed his way through the last 10mm of that bone. No surgery Bc of my age. I rehabbed through that pain. Now over a year later, stronger in the upper body than I’ve been in years; now this happens. The pain from this injury hasn’t been terrible. It’s been more annoying than anything. Yes it has hurt but not terrible like the spinal cord nerve pain. That’s just another level of pain. The bicep is probably the more painful than any of it. When I flex u can see the muscle is balled up. Kinda neat looking. Kinda painful too. When that happened I knew what it was. But that just happened maybe a month ago. Combining all of it together in the same area has become more pain than I care to deal with. I need that arm. My back is a lot to deal with. I need my arm to do shit. To help me walk on days when I can’t very well. My body is failing me. My dreams are still coming true. 😡 So now I’ll wait until Tuesday to see the surgeon and do pre-op. My life is hard enough. Now this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. For now I guess I’m done. (PJE 65 11.25.2021)

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

Surgery … again. I can’t catch a break. Ever. I workout to improve my overall health and fuck up my shoulder. Fucking sucks but I knew something was wrong. Too much pain for just a muscle pull or strain. So next week I go in for the pre-op shit and then schedule the surgery. This will be #31. Whatever. I just want it fixed. No pain meds except weed isn’t cutting it. Sharp burning pain sucks. I still use the arm and shit. Gotta be tough and I am but it still sucks ass. I need a new fucking body.

[medicallyme-est1977-2]

legalize