meimi-haneoka

[meimi-haneoka]

Hey Cinzia. Hope you have been well. I have been thinking about YunaAki and I think I realise why people have a lot of problems with it, besides the age gap of course, and I think it probably has a lot to do with its pacing. I am actually talking about the pairing's pacing rather than clear card, although even the latter's pacing is also a problem. I think if YunaAki writing would have more "clear", no pun intended, like the stages of their relationship more clearly registered out than the love part overlapping with it, I think a lot of people would have found it more agreeable. Like yes, Akiho has feelings for him, but if it is made clear that Yuna's feelings at that point is more of a mix of guilt plus affection rather than subconscious romantic love, I think it would have landed more nicely with more people. Like then it would have made sense because it could have been framed as Akiho taking a step back with her feelings and taking care of Yuna thick and through regardless of whether he returned them or not, and then slowly as Yuna learns to navigate different emotions, it would make sense why he slowly falls for Akiho - the independent person, who is choosing to travel with him to find Momo and a cure for him, rather than Akiho - his ward (not exactly, he was the "butler" employed by her clan, but the dynamics stand). Then it would make sense why years down the line he says "The Moon is Beautiful". He not only has come to love Akiho romantically, and actually understand that he wants to be with Akiho romantically but also that he was confessed to already and now he is taking the chance to hope that she still returns his feelings, years down the line. Basically, a crisper writing would have probably served the ship better.

Aubretia! I hope you've been well too. ✨

I think I know what you're talking about when you say a more "clear" writing. But then the entire premise that kept us (and whomever will read this story all at once from now on) on our toes for the entire duration of Clear Card, when reading the YunaAki side of the story, would've crumbled down. 👇🏻

Their side of the story is supposed to be obscure, vague, especially on Kaito's side. You are supposed to wonder why Kaito is doing all of this and what exactly are the feelings that are moving him till the very end. You're supposed to be strung along till the very end, wondering "is it guilt? Is it familiar affection? Is it a sense of obligation towards her late mother? Is it romantic love?" You're supposed to be confused about his intentions altogether, till the last 10 chapters people weren't even sure if he was doing this for Akiho or himself.

That's sooooo typical of Clamp. To show you how preconceptions and prejudice can lead you astray in the judgement of a situation and of a person.

And although I completely agree with the opinion that if their writing had been more clear from the beginning, we probably would have more people invested in their relationship right now ( in addition to a clearer understanding of how things exactly started for them ), I also recognize that characters have also a function in the greater scheme of the story. And Kaito's, specifically, was to mislead. Over and over. And they wrote him very well for that purpose because he's 1) an introvert, so he doesn't spell out his intentions clearly; 2) he's got a twisted personality; 3) he hates himself so he defines himself wicked and bad when he's actually not; 4) because of his upbringing he doesn't know what love is and so he's unable to acknowledge the reason for his own behavior till the very end. They really built him in a believable way so that he could trick us into thinking he was up to no good till chapter 70. Why? Simply because that made the story more interesting and intriguing.

But I think framing Kaito's feelings as just guilt and affection until the aftermath of the last battle wouldn't have brought benefits to the perception of the pairing at all. First of all because the story was supposed to be over by then. We wouldn't have seen all the slow, complex changes from guilt to romantic love, and his "the moon is beautiful" would've felt literally coming out of nowhere. Like, literally. We would've needed a spin off to unravel all of that in a convincing manner, and as of now that doesn't seem to be in CLAMP's plans.

Instead, with the inclusion of elements that can make you think that Kaito had developed romantic feelings for her along the way (chaste, of course) like the hand stopping, the revelation of his true name to her etc., well that helps making that slow process a bit more coherent. And believable.

When you say "making Kaito's feelings just guilt and affection AND THEN, in the part that we cannot see, slowly turning them into romantic feelings would've landed more nicely with more people", I cannot help but perceive it as yet another pandering to the age gap complaints, to put them "in standby" till Akiho reached the right age. It would've just given more people the excuse to consider YunaAki a platonic kind of love forever. It would've just calmed down their uncomfortable feeling with an age gap ship and nothing more. I'm sure people are already trying to ignore the special chapter as "never happened" or as "maybe he meant it in a platonic way" (that phrase is never used in platonic circumstances in Japan!!), I imagine the thing would've been even worse if we postponed all the romantic attachment to the "post-chapter 80" part of the story that we couldn't see. Instead, it seems like CLAMP wanted to dot the i's and cross the t's as to what exactly those two feel for eachother before the arc ended for good. People who don't like the pair already ignore them as they are, might as well give a little sweetener to us, the ones who could see their potential from long time ago and had to suffer all the harshest parts of the story related to them, over the years. Without mentioning the fact that after seeing Akiho struggling with this love for 70 chapters, it would've felt very disappointing and anti-climactic if in the end all of the mess Kaito did for her was "meh, it was just guilt and yeah maybe a bit of affection". Like come on give this character some gratification 😅

I think the difference in points of view here lies in the fact that I don't see Kaito as falling for "Akiho, his ward" in the story, I already see him as being attracted by her assertive, independent, brave, bright personality. Otherwise he wouldn't have said, quite irked too, "you ARE capable of doing so many things even without magic". He already could see her worth back then. She wasn't his "ward", she was a valuable person he was trying to accompany (and then part from) towards happiness.

I agree that their pacing needs to be slow. I just think it can be done while being romantic. I am still firmly of the opinion that YunaAki's love story will develop very slowly and very carefully over the years, in a trial-and-error fashion, while still being a bond of romantic kind.

People's perception is usually "ah, if it's romantic love then it means he wants to turn this into something physical immediately" because that's all people ever think about, but it doesn't have to be like that, they don't even have to consider themselves a "couple" if none of them are ready.

The ones who like this pairing of course are aware that we are missing some "pieces" of their story. Like what prompted Kaito to go from a boy who couldn't care less about others, to getting up and try to change a little girl's destiny. It's the price we have to pay for YunaAki having the role and purpose they have inside the bigger story. We can stomp our feet all we want about how unfair that is, but every character in the end is like an actor inside the plot. They have a function. Yeah I also don't particularly like that Kaito has been berated and hated (and so did Akiho) for the entirety of the story because we couldn't see through his intentions. But that was part of the game. I also don't like that if people didn't pay enough attention, taking it away for one second from the main lovey-dovey pairing, then they would've surely missed all the beauty and tragedy of YunaAki's story, particularly because it was so subtle and between-the-lines.

But oh well, in the end that's their loss. I made my peace with that by now and I do what many other fans do; I try to "fill the gaps" with fanfictions and fanarts. I've written my "Gravitation" fanfic with that specific goal in mind.

And I don't do it in a raging, spiteful way but with positivity and gratefulness. Because the gaps allow me to expand their story for how I see it. Because that allows for this pairing and this series to stay here, in my heart, for a long time. ❤️

(thank you sooo much for this ask! 🙏🏻 Anxiety is consuming my days lately and I really really needed something like this to take my mind off things)

[meimi-haneoka]

I can hardly move in a mascot's form... Unless there's an extremely important reason, I'd rather avoid that form. Seoritsu-hime/Momo—xxxHolic Rei, chapter 60

[meimi-haneoka]

Time, Stop - chapter 3

Characters: Akiho Shinomoto, Yuna D. Kaito, Sakura Kinomoto, Fujitaka Kinomoto Rating: T Warnings: none Tags: bonding time with the acquired family, surprise surprise Fujitaka and Kaito have a lot more in common than you might think, the matter of Kaito's age comes up uhuh, Akiho is a bit angry with Kaito Summary: Kaito and Akiho are back in Tomoeda for a short while, on Syaoran's request: he's finally going to learn time magic! What Akiho doesn't imagine, however, is that this visit will trigger one of the biggest turning points in her relationship with Kaito. Word count: 1.540 A/N at the end of the chapter. English is not my first language; keep that into consideration. This chapter on AO3

Excerpt:

I need to talk to him. We can’t go on like this, I don’t like the tension that’s building up between us.

“I'm sure you would've loved to visit there. The circular shape of the Stadsbiblioteket makes it look so magnificent, I've never seen anything like it!!”

The next afternoon, Akiho was excitedly recounting the visit to the charming public library of Stockholm, sitting at the table of the Kinomoto's kitchen.

Fujitaka nodded and made sure to not miss any single detail, as he poured the black tea into the cups.

On the opposide side of the table, Sakura smiled enthusiastically, her eyes bouncing back and forth between her father and her friend. She was happy to see the two bonding again, after long time without seeing each other. For this short while, it felt like Akiho had returned home, as part of their family.

“The best part was how we got to a secret area of the library, it was literally hidden from anyone's eyes: you could only reach it by opening a portal with a spell!” Akiho said enthusiastically before taking the milk jug and pouring some into her cup. “Of course, Kaito-san helped with that.”

Fujitaka smiled with fondness, noticing how the light in the girl's eyes changed at the mention of her companion's name. He placed on the table a small tray with some confectionery from the patisserie Yukito was working at, then sat down with the girls. “Judging by the way you talk about him, he seems to be a really dependable young man.” He paused, a doubt suddenly hitting him. “Err, is 'young man' correct? Or should I just say 'man'?” Sakura had tried to explain Kaito's situation to him, but Fujitaka wasn't sure he really grasped how that worked.

Akiho blinked twice, swallowing the warm tea before putting down the cup. She smiled, then said, “To be quite honest, we don't really know.”

Both of her interlocutors were understandably surprised to hear that.

“No one knows Kaito-san's true age, not even he himself. He told me that as far as he can remember, he's always been alone. He doesn't remember his parents, nor why he was separated from them since a very early age. He was too young to remember.” Her smile grew more and more melancholic as she delved into Kaito's sad past. “When he started to be old enough to retain memories, there wasn't anyone around him that he could consider family, or even a distant relative. And so he never knew for sure when he was born...it's not like he ever had a birth certificate with him, or anything like that. The age and birthday indicated in the documents he uses to travel are the ones he decided for himself, with an approximative calculation. They were issued in...unconventional ways, of course.”

Fujitaka listened intently while Akiho explained Kaito's origins, feeling a pang in his chest, memories of a distant past welling up one by one. It was impossible for him not to sympathize. The sense of confusion, the feeling of having no roots and no identity. He remembered them well, even now.

“When we came to Tomoeda the first time, his documents said he was 19. But we actually don't know for sure...maybe he was younger than that and simply looked older. Or he could've been older and just had a baby face. Since his situation now is what it is, we decided not to dwell too much on that...it's not like I feel this huge difference between us, even mentally-wise. I feel very comfortable with him,” Akiho confessed with soft eyes, “but, truth to be told, this is another reason why we never stay in the same place for too long. People would start to realize something isn't right with him.”

“It must be troublesome to deal with all of that,” Sakura commented as her hand reached Akiho's one across the table, “both for him...and for you, too.”

“We manage...we know we have eachother's back. He's just Kaito-san for me, and will always be,” Akiho smiled cheerfully, her cheeks coloring slightly in tow.

The phrase suddenly hit Fujitaka with nostalgy, making him smile fondly at Akiho's remark. “Nadeshiko-san used to say something similar all the time. You reminded me of her.”

It was now Akiho's turn to be surprised.

“I also have a past similar to that of the young man you're so close to...so I can really relate to his situation,” Fujitaka confessed, staring into his cup of tea, his smile still kind but tinged with complex feelings.

Akiho felt somehow both comforted and honored to be associated to Sakura's late mother. Along the years, together with confessions and confidences, it had come to light that Sakura and Akiho's mothers had been dear friends, and both had done what they could to ensure their daughters' happiness. That had only tightened the bond between Akiho and Sakura, strengthening the sense of belonging Akiho felt towards these people.

“Does Kaito-kun know you're here? Sakura-san mentioned a training session for Syaoran-kun, if I'm not mistaken.”

Akiho blinked again for a moment, then glanced eloquently towards Sakura, who slightly nodded. “Yes, he knows. Me and Sakura-san thought it would be better to stay here for today, so we wouldn't distract them on their important training session.” As she finished her sentence, Akiho couldn't help but remember the conversation she had with Kaito before leaving home.

“Are you going out…?” Kaito's voice reached Akiho from behindher as she was putting one of her ankle boots on, sitting on the shoe benchnear the entrance. There was a certain unease in his tone that she picked up on immediately. She turned her head around and stared at him, while she kept lacing up her boot.

“Yes, I'm going to Sakura-san's.”

“So...you're not going to watch the training session, today…?”

“No, we are not. I don't think it does any good. To any of us,” she said breaking eye contact, intent on tying the bootlaces.

Kaito watched her speechlessly, taken aback by the remark. The tone of her voice was...dry. He swallowed, then asked cautiously, for the second time in less than 24 hours. “Are you...mad at me?”

“No, I'm not. Why?”

“…” He visibly tried to utter something, but he couldn't make a sound.

“Well, see you later.” And just like that Akiho stood up, slung her purse on her shoulder and quickly exited the door.

Dammit, of course you're mad Akiho, she thought to herself as she sipped the tea, closing her eyes as she did so. Of course you are, but you don't want to be, that's why you told him you weren't.

It's not like she wanted to deceive him. Honestly, she didn't even know exactly who she was angry with—him, or herself. She tried so hard to not get swayed by his avoidance, his claming up, his recklessness. She tried to be honest with her feelings and be an anchor for him. Firm and reliable. But in the end what she told him today was a lie, and she knew she shouldn't have done that. It wasn't right and it made things confusing for Kaito, who was still slowly learning how to decode social cues in his relationship with others.

I need to talk to him. We can't go on like this, I don't like the tension that's building up between us.

It was just a matter of how to approach him.

“Thank you so much for calling me last night, Akiho-chan. I believe your advice was the right one. I'm sure Syaoran-kun will be able to focus and do so much better, without me whining and biting my nails at every spell,” Sakura said with a guilty chuckle, snapping Akiho out of her thoughts.

“I figured there was something that was worrying you, when you two left. And believe me, I understand what you're going through,” Akiho replied, emphasizing the last part.

Sakura smiled knowingly. “I know you do.”

“Well, I am quite curious to make the acquaintance of this young man you're so friendly with,” Fujitaka said, a certain intensity stressed on the last few words that Akiho didn't fail to notice, making her slightly blush. She knew very well what the word 仲良し meant in this context. And she was grateful for it, because at the moment she didn't really know how else to define their relationship. That was the entire point of what was upsetting her lately.

“S-sure, I will bring him along before we return to Sweden.”

Fujitaka grinned. “I need to thank him for the honor of entrusting you to me.”

Akiho stared at Fujitaka, eyes filled with a mixture of surprise and gratitude. And even a tiny bit of bafflement.

Because everyone kept doing nothing but pushing the idea that what Kaito had done, after all, wasn't so bad. Sure, he had trampled all over her agency, even if she was just 13, and that of everyone else. But he had already profusely apologized for that, along the years. What these people were reminding her of was that, thanks to what he had done, they all gained something positive—new relationships, new bonds, a sense of belonging.

Maybe she really needed to soften up. Maybe she needed to let it go. Maybe their relationship could never go forward if she didn't.

Author's Note:

This one is quite a short chapter, but I realized along the way that I needed to split in two the one I was working on. Next one is going to be way longer!

Following up from the previous chapter and the main "theme" developed there, I wanted Akiho to have one more bonding moment with her... "adoptive family"? What should I call it? Anyway, she gets to have one more close moment with Sakura and her dad. Initially, it wasn't in my plans to write Fujitaka into this story, but then I had a sudden inspiration and wanted to try to challenge myself...I hope his "voice", written by me, is close enough to canon Fujitaka! While I was writing, I realized how his childhood and Kaito's one were more similar than one could imagine...and I thought that was fascinating. I had to delve into that. Even if just a little bit.

I also took the opportunity to....clarify? explore? get off my chest? something that's always been a complex issue for Kaito and Akiho's shippers: Kaito's age. In this chapter, I unabashedly spelled out what I think about this whole matter, where things stand in my opinion, and I'm not done, because I will return to this topic even in next chapter. I know that not everyone might agree with my train of thought, but....*shrugs*. I mean, a lot of what I've written here is basically what CLAMP themselves had confirmed about Kaito on the last podcast of 2024 where they talked about Clear Card.

We also get a bit more of adolescence-is-a-complex-period Akiho! Listen, I know Akiho is a loving girl and her resilience+patience is....immense, to say the least. Especially with Kaito. But in my fic, let the teen be a teen and get angry sometimes. In that typical, I-don't-even-know-who-I'm-angry-with way that teens behave. CLAMP gave me the green light, they made her get mad in a series where no one truly gets mad, I have the authorization! 😂

Lastly, it was fun to make a bit of research for the public library of Stockholm, but if you're thinking about visiting it, sadly I have to inform you that the library is closed till 2027 for renovations! 🥲

Next chapter, we'll have a big focus on Kaito and Syaoran!! 🥰

[meimi-haneoka]

I can hardly move in a mascot's form... Unless there's an extremely important reason, I'd rather avoid that form. Seoritsu-hime/Momo—xxxHolic Rei, chapter 60

[meimi-haneoka]

Hi Cinzia! Hope you are well! I just Vaughan up with xxxHolic Rei and OMG!!! Seoritsu Hime is it? Japanese-Shinto themed. Did Doumeki just make a contract with the "book" that used to Alice in Clockland? I am legit half scared that CLAMP is going to drag CCS into the TRC/xxxHolic mess if there is ever a next arc.

Hahaha hello to you too, Aubretia! I'm fine and intrigued by the newest Holic Rei chapter!

Doumeki for now only gave the name to our ex-Momo/Alice in Clockland, but the one who will most likely make a contract will be Watanuki. A bit like Akiho and Kaito's situation!

Akiho was the "provisional owner", the one who named her + the book and held physically both in her hands, but it's specified that the one who made the contract was Kaito. I like to think that Kaito took on the burden of the contract on himself, despite the final beneficiary had always been Akiho, because Akiho had no powers of her own.

Eeeh, it's too early to say exactly how much CCS and TRC/Holic will cross this time around, maybe the mere presence and involvement of Momo/the Book of Time might be all that we will see. Or maybe Akiho & Kaito will appear later on. But ever since we saw middle schooler CCSakura giving away her Star Wand to Reborn!Clone Sakura in TRC, we all knew that a link between these three series had already been established. Ever since 2008/2009. Whether we like it or not, CCS and TRC/Holic already had a connection, and the presence of Momo now just reinforced it. 😌 CLAMP love their "Star System", as they call it in Japan, and they're gonna make use of it however they please. We're just spectators of the stories they're portraying. We can only buckle up and enjoy the ride. ✨❤️

[meimi-haneoka]

*hysterical laugh* As chapter 60 of Holic Rei sunk in, I started to realize that the "Yuuko vibes" Momo gave off this time were really, really strong.

Don't get me wrong, I've always felt the similarity, but as long as Momo was in the CCS world, I chalked it up to "different characters in different works have similar vibes". We draw parallels between CLAMP characters all the time, right? Doesn't mean they're necessarily connected.

And although I'm sure tons of fans must have already theorized this before, with the vibes of this chapter I came to the point where I've started to concretely consider that Yuuko might be the one who created "Momo" and the "toki no hon" (The Book of Time).

With that whole "who created Momo" teasing of this chapter, I started thinking "who would create a creature loving chocolate and wine so insanely like she does? With the same witty and sassy personality? Stubborn but with a kind heart?" They were questions that were already born and stayed in the back of my mind the whole time Clear Card was serializing too, but since the focus was somewhere else, I didn't feel the need to even bring them up. Honestly, I would've been fine without needing to know who created Momo.

But with Watanuki and Momo's interactions of this chapter, it suddenly became so much more apparent. It wouldn't even be strange that Clow would have easy access to a book like that, if she was the one who created it (how that attempt ended is another story, of course).

Then, there's this quote too. Leaving aside the fact that K-USA decided to translate hitsuzen as "fate" instead of the more common "inevitability", the quote is exactly the same. Technically, in Japanese Momo doesn't even say "they do say", she straight up quotes without specifying who said it.

Back when chapter 63 of Clear Card came out, I chalked this up to "not necessarily a Yuuko quote. Clow, Kaho and Kero all used this same quote too" (I mean, even Kaito knows it)

But now my eyebrow couldn't be more raised.

Why did you know this quote, Momo?

[meimi-haneoka]

Holic Rei 60

Little by little, we get into this new arrangement and things really do start to *tease* our curiosity. CLAMP really seem to be aware of the fact that people want to know *who* created Momo's Book and what for. But as usual, no concrete answer yet. It's fine, we know that's how they play their game and we might still not find out, at the end of this!

After all, the focus is all on Watanuki and his wish. It's him the one who will decide what he will make the Book do.

But also let me mention the new bit of Japanese folklore that was mentioned in this chapter, Uji no Hashihime! You can find all about it in this Wikipedia article.

Of course, she's from a shrine in Kyoto. 😉

Momo's complaining face when she heard she was being associated with the jealous bridge princess was hilarious 😂😂😂😂 when you think about it, she helped two people finally getting together, far opposite from what Uji no Hashihime does 😂😂😂😂

I also feel so delighted to see she's always the same old Momo, obsessed with the finest chocolate and wine 🥰🥰🥰 I also got a general nostalgic feeling from her faces and answers. Yes, this is our book guardian that we all loved! She didn't change a bit! I did hope for a comment en passant about her previous contract person, but she seems to be tight lipped and it makes sense.

The "mascot" comment and the "this time, too" choice of words made me definitively lean towards the "this is set after Clear Card" theory. Momo did not like one bit being a plushie, hm? 😂😂😂😂 I had an inkling, that's why in my fics set in the future, she always appears in full form. If it's not really necessary turning her into a plushie, I'll keep doing so. 😆

[meimi-haneoka]

Holic Rei chapter 59 - Considerations

So, now that the Holic Rei chapter's been out for some hours, let's see some of the things that caught my attention.

Naturally I'll start with Momo's new name, "Princess Seoritsu" (I'm taking for granted that Princess Seoritsu is Momo's new name, not the Book's, since it refers to a goddess).

It comes from Japanese mythology and she's a goddess of purification, residing in rivers to wash away all sins into the sea.

She's always depicted together with a dragon, but her origin is kind of shrouded in mystery since she's not officially mentioned in the Kojiki nor the Nihon Shoki, the foundational texts of Japanese history, but only in Oharae no Kotoba, a purification chant.

Of course I can't help but look at 2 elements connected to this deity: the water and the dragon, which are incidentally the same elements of the amber egg that Doumeki brought to Watanuki—a little dragon immersed in water. Could this be the reason why Doumeki chose that name for Momo? He's very well acquainted with Japanese folklore and mythology, after all.

Something else, looking at Momo's outfit, is that it changed based on this new situation, but of course the color scheme will always be black/white: those are Momo's signature colors, so much that she thought Wata was dressing in black and white because he knew she would come. Wata says that he literally put on whatever he saw first that morning since he didn't see her coming in his dreams, but it's apparent CLAMP are hinting at his 6th sense powers here. NOTHING is by chance, especially in Holic. He thinks it was casual, but it's not.

And black and white are such thematic colors for Momo because they represent her balance, her impartiality.

As said by Momo herself in Clear Card, "I cannot bend towards 'black' or 'white', I must always stay impartial".

Hence why they're both in her color scheme.

Also, the clock hands on the Book of Time. It is apparent by now it wasn't a drawing mistake but it was totally intentional, since they keep being missing for the whole chapter. I wonder why?? Do they appear only when a contract is made? To be sure, I checked ch. 43 of Clear Card where Kaito tells us a bit of Momo's backstory, and even before Kaito is shown approaching Momo, the clock hands are still there on the book. So even without a contract, the hands were out.

The mystery deepens and we'll hopefully find out along the way.

[meimi-haneoka]

Can't fucking make up my mind tonight

One moment I'm like "I'm so happy to see her!!"

And the next I'm like "but she's not Momo anymore now 😭😭😭 she's about to make a contract with someone new now! 😭😭😭😭"

Let me just say that as a Momoist, and a YunaAki shipper, it's so bittersweet for me to see the magical creature who yelled and cried for Akiho and Kaito now taking on a new name and supposedly a new owner 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲I'm too emotional. I'm in a dire need to understand if this is happening before or after Clear Card because there isn't any solid indication, yet.

In the meantime, Princess Seoritsu is definitely fitting. (It's the name of a freaking GODDESS!)

[meimi-haneoka]

Let me just say that as a Momoist, and a YunaAki shipper, it's so bittersweet for me to see the magical creature who yelled and cried for Akiho and Kaito now taking on a new name and supposedly a new owner 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲I'm too emotional. I'm in a dire need to understand if this is happening before or after Clear Card because there isn't any solid indication, yet.

In the meantime, Princess Seoritsu is definitely fitting. (It's the name of a freaking GODDESS!)

[meimi-haneoka]

Time, Stop - chapter 2

Characters: Akiho Shinomoto, Yuna D. Kaito, Sakura Kinomoto, Syaoran Li Rating: T Warnings: none Tags: romance, a bit of healthy angst, girls having girl talks, matters of the heart, look Akiho is a girl in love, and so she's patiently waiting for the next big step but the patience is running out, watch out for Kaito being usual Kaito at the end of the chapter Summary: Kaito and Akiho are back in Tomoeda for a short while, on Syaoran's request: he's finally going to learn time magic! What Akiho doesn't imagine, however, is that this visit will trigger one of the biggest turning points in her relationship with Kaito. Word count: 2.930 A/N at the end of the chapter. English is not my first language; keep that into consideration.

Excerpt:

“But I can't help it, Sakura-san. Whenever he's near me…whatever we do together…I always feel...this yearning. I yearn to be held by him…I yearn for him to close the distance between us...I yearn to hear him proudly say that I'm his girlfriend...I want him to…” she trailed off, cheeks burning red with the desire she wasn't ready to say aloud yet.

The evening had finally wrapped Tomoeda into its quiet embrace.

An elegant candelabra spread a warm glow on the table in the dining room of the Shinomoto-Yuna mansion, while Akiho and Sakura were setting it ready for the upcoming dinner for four.

Akiho placed a set of cutlery next to a porcelain plate, while Sakura distributed two creatively folded napkins on the other side of the table. The girls could hear the clang of cookware coming from the kitchen down the hallway: Kaito was busy in his natural environment, all the effort promising to serve one of the best dinners the two guests had ever tasted.

“Yesterday I couldn't be there for the training session, because of my club practice...I wasn't prepared for how much it would have unsettled me today. I know it only troubles Syaoran-kun more, if he sees me worrying about him...but I just couldn't help it, you know?” Sakura said, taking a plate from the cart beside the table.

“Hm, I understand that very well,” Akiho nodded in response, the tone of her voice revealing more than simple sympathy behind her words.

“I trust Syaoran-kun. I know he's an excellent, skilled magician. And I trust the promise he made to me...I hope he knows that, even if I can't stop my instinctive reactions,” Sakura sighed in resignation, shaking her head slightly.

Akiho, who was watching her as she spoke, now lowered her gaze, deep in thought for a handful of seconds. “I'm sure he does,” she finally said, smiling to her, “you two have a very solid relationship, after all.”

Sakura's expression turned soft at Akiho's words, as she watched her friend silently placing another set of cutlery next to a plate. She could feel something was ruffling Akiho's soul, so she couldn't help but ask.

“How is it going with him? ...With Kaito-san, I mean.”

Akiho's hands stopped midway, as a slight blush colored her cheeks and her mouth naturally curved into a gentle smile.

“...Well, he can be a handful sometimes, but he's so sweet to me. He takes care of everything in the house, so I can focus on my study and my book repairs. Even so, I insist on helping him out whenever I can, because it's only fair and I need some distraction as well,” she replied, hands now toying with a napkin rather than adjusting it on the table. “We go out together. Cinema, parks, aquariums...we have selected days where we bake together, or planetarium nights with our star projector,” she reeled off all the fun stuff they did together, as Sakura nodded with interest. “Sometimes, he leaves little folded pieces of paper for me. In my books, on the kitchen table beside my breakfast, or on the small counter by the front door where I get my keys before leaving home…”

“What's inside?” the anecdote piqued Sakura's curiosity.

“A handwritten message, every time in a different language. Usually the one of a country we've been to. The last one said 'jag älskar dig' *1 ,” Akiho replied, blush intensifying as a rush of heat went through her.

Sakura expectantly waited for her friend to reveal the meaning of the impossible phrase she had just pronounced, but the spark of Akiho's expression fizzled out as she put the napkin down, growing pensive by the second.

“And yet…lately, I started to feel like that's not enough anymore. I don't know where we stand. I don't know what we are. Even like this, I still feel like there's something that's holding him back. I still feel like there's a thin wall separating us.”

Akiho's hands clenched nervously, unable to stop the burning frustration that was gradually building up in her chest. “I feel so ungrateful, Sakura-san. And greedy,” she lifted her gaze to meet Sakura's one, eyes glistening.

Sakura, alarmed, walked fast around the table and was immediately by Akiho's side, her hand reaching for her shoulder, sisterly warmth ready to comfort her.

“I know that the mere fact he's here with us, cooking in that kitchen, is a miracle that can happen only once. You worked so hard to make sure I wouldn't have to mourn his loss for the rest of my life,” her voice cracked as she felt a lump forming in her throat—I will not cry, I will not cry, she repeated in her mind like a mantra, shutting her eyes tight to keep her emotions in check. When she opened them again, Sakura saw a storm of complex feelings battling in the azure pool of her eyes.

“I should be thankful and appreciate the fact that we were given a second chance, and I can have him here by my side every day, cherishing me like he does…and I do. I really, really do feel so thankful...I shouldn't ask for more.”

Akiho interlocked her fingers over her stomach, smiling wistfully.

“But I can't help it, Sakura-san. Whenever he's near me…whatever we do together…I always feel...this yearning. I yearn to be held by him…I yearn for him to close the distance between us...I yearn to hear him proudly say that I'm his girlfriend...I want him to…” she trailed off, cheeks burning red with the desire she wasn't ready to say aloud yet.

“That's completely understandable, Akiho-chan. It's been four years, after all...Have you tried to tell him how you feel about all of this?” Sakura asked quietly, as another girl in love who could understand her friend's feelings all too well.

“It's...complicated,” Akiho sighed, a streak of frustration polluting again the tone of her voice, “there are a lot of past situations that left him...emotionally unavailable, like I had mentioned to you before. Ever since we left Tomoeda and started traveling together again, we have worked a lot on that...communication and such. I benefited from that too, to be honest...but there are still times when, if I'm being too direct, he will use any excuse available to retreat in his space.” She looked down, the light in her eyes dimmed by the flashbacks of some moments that had left her pretty upset. “I think sometimes my approach might be a bit overwhelming for him, and I'm still learning how to get closer without scaring him away.”

Sakura watched her friend attentively—she could perceive from her bittersweet smile how Akiho was struggling with all of this. She could see all of her patience, her quiet perseverance.

She realized there was a lot she probably wasn't aware of and couldn't help her get through, due to the distance. Letters, messages, phone calls— they were precious and essential to keep their bond well nourished while her friend hopped from a corner of the world to the next, but they paled in comparison to the heartfelt one-on-one conversations they could have once in a while, like they were doing now. There was so much that Akiho's body language was conveying to her that simply didn't reflect in her voice.

Hence why she felt there was something she absolutely needed to reassure her friend about.

“Akiho-chan...I know it probably isn't my place to speak on this matter, but if there's anything I can be sure of...is that Kaito-san's feelings for you are deep and true,” Sakura affirmed, her voice warm and soft like a comforting blanket.

Akiho lifted her gaze and met the green of Sakura's confident eyes.

“I knew it way before he rewrote our world. And what we remembered and learned after I brought our memories back only confirmed it to me ten times as much...He really gave his all to save you. I think what is actually overwhelming for him is neither you, nor your approach...but rather his coming to terms with the depth of his feelings for you.”

Akiho's eyes widened to Sakura's words, feeling as if she had just unlocked a door she had temporarily forgotten the existence of.

“If he's still learning to deal with this, as you said, then you have to trust him...trust that he'll find the way to work around his issues. I don't know him very well, but I have no doubts he's doing his best for you.” Sakura glanced briefly towards the aisle, where the sounds of the kitchen could be heard in the distance, smiling to herself, before turning back to Akiho. “But you should never shy away from expressing your feelings to him. Even if his reaction might be evasive at first. You need to bare your heart to him to clear any misconception he might have or any misunderstanding between you two.”

“Sakura-san…” Akiho stared at her best friend as her precious words sunk in. Deep down, she already knew all of that. It was so hard to avoid getting swallowed by the sea of overwhelming emotions that their unconventional situation generated, battling with the waves just to stay afloat. Sometimes, when those waves prevailed, she doubted if he liked her in that way at all. Then he would casually throw a compliment here and there, or she would catch him staring at her, setting her heart on fire...and she would eventually realize it was just her insecurity talking. He was certainly struggling with something, she could see that, but at the very least—at the very least—she knew what he felt for her. Encouragement and a reminder were all that she needed.

“You know,” Sakura lowered her eyes and smiled sheepishly, “when my brother teases me and makes me lose my temper, Yukito-san always tells me that people have different ways to show their feelings. Especially people like my brother, who seems to have a hard time showing his affection openly,” she rolled her eyes while saying the last part. “I understand all of that...but I mean, he's so annoying sometimes!” she chuckled, causing Akiho's expression to soften and relax.

“I have to admit...sometimes I miss a twin sister at home,” Sakura confessed, with a wistful smile. Then, barely audible, “...His idea wasn't so bad...”

Akiho did a double take, looking at her former twin as if she had just said something outrageous. “...Sakura-san!”

Sakura chuckled softly again, showing briefly her tongue in jest. “But it's true. We all miss you. Dad always says he hopes he can eat one of your delicious breakfasts again, one day.” Her gaze was now slightly tinted with melancholy at the memory of their happy days together.

Akiho's cheeks lit up as her eyes drifted to the side, lips curving into a shy smile. Sometimes it was still hard for her to believe that there were people, often on the other side of the planet to where she lived, who loved her just as though she were family. Who cherished her no matter the distance, or how little she could do for them while she tried to solve her own problems and make sense out of her messy life. Who didn't demand her to measure up to any standard. They wanted her to just be Akiho, no one else. She felt incredibly lucky, all things considered.

“It makes me so happy to know you all miss me at home. Just... don't let him hear that,” she nodded in the direction of the kitchen, “otherwise he'll put his smug grin on and I'll never hear the end of it,” she finally sighed in exasperation. This time Sakura couldn't hold her laughter in, infecting Akiho shortly after.

“Am I interrupting some girl time?” Syaoran's voice came teasing from the doorframe.

Sakura's eyes lit up and she went immediately to his side to check on his condition. “How are you feeling?” she asked, taking his hand.

“Magic-wise, completely replenished. But hungry,” he grinned at her as he squeezed her hand, holding his other one eloquently over his stomach, eliciting an amused chuckle from his girlfriend.

“We should join Kaito-san in the kitchen and ask him if we can help him out, he's been working so hard all alone, poor him,” Sakura said while turning to Akiho, who smiled and nodded in agreement.

“Go ahead, I'll finish the last things here.”

Before Sakura turned around to head for the kitchen, Akiho quietly mouthed a heartfelt “thank you”, to which Sakura beamed in response.

The dinner went smoothly; the dining room was filled with laughter as Akiho and Kaito shared enthusiastically a lot of anecdotes, not only about their current stay in Sweden, but also about other countries they had visited previously. Sakura and Syaoran showered them with questions, captivated by their stories. And just like they had expected, the food Kaito had prepared was simply unrivalled, so much that Syaoran seized the opportunity to ask him for some cooking advice on Köttbullar *2.

The two guests left soon after dinner, arranging a meeting on the following day for the next training session. Akiho couldn't help but notice Sakura's hesitant nod when they decided on the time of the meeting, finding it strange. She made a mental note to contact her later about it.

The night brought a chilly breeze, but Akiho felt like it was just what she needed to bring some clarity to her agitated soul. She put her cardigan back on and went outside, eyes admiring the bright moon. She inhaled deeply, the grassy scent of the garden partially soothing her nerves.

Her contemplative solitude didn't last long; even without turning around, she could feel Kaito's presence leaning on the doorframe of the patio door, quietly watching her.

She decided to turn around, peering at him with inquisitorial eyes.

“Are you mad at me, about earlier...?” he asked, looking at her with a guilty smile.

“... I'm not.” Her eyes softened, staring now at her restless feet, playing with some pebbles on the patio's floor. “That's his wish. If that's what he wants, we can only do our best to support him. Besides, I'm pretty sure no one could change his mind when Sakura-san's safety is involved.” Her lips curved into a painful smile. “Just like I'm sure no one could've changed your mind, even if I had tried to.”

Kaito, who was listening intently to her, now lowered his gaze too. “He's well aware of what the spell he's trying to master entails. He knows the cascading effects it will have not only on himself, but on the people he cherishes too, if he crosses the line...”

He paused. To Akiho, that painful moment felt like forever.

“...I didn't.”

It stung like a needle jabbed into her heart. Still staring firmly at her feet, Akiho's voice started quivering.

“...It was painful to watch. I couldn't help but think about all the times you felt like that...and I couldn't be there to support you. To hold you. I wish I could have.”

She clasped her hands tightly, as if to control the overwhelming feeling that was taking a hold of her. For the second time that night her eyes threatened to betray her, but she didn't want to cry, not right now. She hadn't realized how much the events of the past still affected her and how many unresolved issues still lingered in her heart, until she had seen Sakura and Syaoran that evening.

Unable to look at her, Kaito's reply came out barely above a whisper.

“I'm sorry for what I have and still am putting you through. I really am. But...” a bittersweet smile emerged on his lips, as his voice gained courage, “...if there's one thing I know, it's that I will never regret trying to save you.”

His words made something warm and bittersweet clench in her chest. Just like she had imagined, after all this time, he still stood his ground on that specific part.

She would've lied to herself if she said he hadn't made her heart beat faster with all the implications of that last statement. It was so romantic, in a way. A small part of her still considered him like some sort of prince in shiny armor, ready to set the world on fire for her; the rest of her had by now learned to see him clearly for who he was, including the flawed, fallible, most human parts of him. They couldn't change what happened in the past and she didn’t hold it against him, as she had slowly forgiven him over time, but ever since they decided to move on, she wanted to make up so bad for all the lost opportunities. It's just that sometimes, she felt like that armor wasn't protecting her, but rather...himself.

If only he would've allowed her to get a bit closer. To tear that armor off, piece by piece, and truly feel like they belonged with one another.

Her thoughts were interrupted by his steady, almost emotionless voice, his back already turned to her. “I'll go back inside. It's getting chilly, don't stay out too long.”

“Wait, I didn't mean—”

He didn't even give her the time to finish, as he had already disappeared inside the house, through the french patio door.

She felt a pang of remorse in her chest. She had been careless. She didn't mean to reignite his guilt, but she realized she probably ended up doing so. And he had responded with his typical avoidance.

God, it's so frustrating when he does that. If only he'd let me talk. Akiho sighed, wrapping her cardigan tighter around her body, as she gazed up at the almost full moon.

How do I convey this storm of feelings I harbor inside, without driving him away? How do I tear that armor off?

*1. “I love you” in Swedish.

*2. The famous Swedish meatballs.

Author's Note:

Aaaah, adolescence is such a complicated period!! Akiho is nearing the end of it, and she starts feeling emotions that are veering more on the mature side. Her love for Kaito is evolving, and she finds new things in her heart, like the yearning for a relationship that can include more skinship, but she also yearns to be considered his full-fledged partner, being called his girlfriend etc...Yes, even after all this time, even knowing their feelings are mutual and having some "couple behaviors", their relationship is not "official" yet. The fact is, she's dealing with someone who's got his own ideas, as well as a difficult past and all sorts of scars he's healing from. Of course, she's got her own too, but as we have already seen in the canon story, she handles the situation far better than him. Not to mention the fact that he's completely inexperienced with this, so he's always in a "trial and error" phase. For this reason, she needs to be careful and patient...but eh, she's still a late teen after all, so the storm of feelings and frustration sometimes can get the better of her. Seeing her friends hugging and expressing freely their own love for one another was an involuntary "detonator", for her.

That's why I wanted to give Akiho a long-deserved girl talk with her best friend, Sakura! I wanted to write something like this for so long...their sisterhood is really beautiful and will always be one of my favorite parts of Clear Card, I don't care what anyone says! Sakura's got her own troubles with keeping her concerns at bay, but since her relationship with Syaoran has been solid and proceeding without a hitch for years, she can also bounce back from her worries more quickly.

The final scene will probably be frustrating to read as Kaito goes back to his typical "flight mode" - probably his behavior will remind you a bit of what happened in chapter 52 of the manga. Well, even after four years and a much better situation, things like these are still gonna happen - the path to healing and happiness isn't always a straight one (especially not in his case). Moreover, he's got his own reasons for being so hesitant to enter officially in a relationship with her, and in next chapter we'll delve right into that!

See you for chapter 3! ☺️

[meimi-haneoka]

[meimi-haneoka]

Let's see... Clow once tried using the book but failed. Now Watanuki (who looks like Clow) found it in the shop. Do you think he will form a contract with Momo? If yes, what will he use it for? (My gut currently says he might use it to find Yuuko, but I think I need to properly reread all of Holic Rei to grasp this insanity first.)

Yeah, Watanuki actually summoned the Book of Time, although it came as a surprise to him too, because he was initially just trying to get a hint or a pointer to what item he was missing...but he ended up getting the actual thing instead 😅

Well, there is a more pressing matter right now and it's solving Zashiki Warashi's situation (and that of the girl who looks just like her too), since she's in a safe environment (a special bird cage) right now that's stopping her time, but that won't solve anything in itself.

And that also reminds me that Kaito's time is stopped too, plus Akiho and Kaito are looking for Momo and the Book of Time, so I can't really help but think that they might come to the store too....and then lord (CLAMP) only knows what will happen 😅😅😅

Yeah we definitely need to re-read it, it seems like it's very important to get everything right if we want to understand anything of this mess!

[meimi-haneoka]

Still random thoughts on that page

So today we slowly realized that the book of Time depicted in the last page of chapter 58 of Holic Rei is missing...the clock hands...

Yes, before you ask, the book always had them, in Clear Card. Even in the very last appearance in chapter 80, but that was a "memory" while Akiho was talking.

I've already widely considered that it might be a mere drawing mistake, it wouldn't be the first one after all (Clear Card's serialization was full of those, nothing particularly strange) and that's why I'm not particularly holding my breath for it.

But in case it isn't? In case it's deliberate? What could this mean?

I thought "maybe something is wrong with its time magic" but then I started to wonder...

....are we sure that this book's power is still the same after it was used? Because IT WAS used, for the first time EVER, successfully! After a lot of failures!

What happens when the forbidden magic of the Book of Time is used successfully? Does the power stay the same? Or is it exhausted? Like it happened to the Remind and Blank cards? In that case, could the absence of the clock hands mean that the scary and dangerous forbidden magic isn't there anymore? And so, what could be the book's role now?

[meimi-haneoka]

I find it funny that I start writing fics and CLAMP immediately establish a connection between Clear Card and Holic Rei that might either give me precious additional information for the timeline of events I'm envisioning OR completely screw it up....🤣🤣🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Depending on whether Kaito and Akiho will appear at all, but also what exactly will happen with the Book of Time (Alice in Clockland for friends) and with Momo...it might change quite a lot 🤦🏻‍♀️🙈 /sigh. I'm someone who likes to write following and expanding canon, so I'm kinda stuck on whether I should keep writing or not 😂

[meimi-haneoka]

look I keep being scared but this is your story CLAMP, it's in your hands, *I* AM IN YOUR HANDS DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

CLAMP???? CLAMP?????? WHAT???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN *THAT* APPEARED AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER???

Is this a plan to give me a heart attack on mother's day?????

[meimi-haneoka]

CLAMP???? CLAMP?????? WHAT???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN *THAT* APPEARED AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER???

Is this a plan to give me a heart attack on mother's day?????