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Abdurahman Bin Abza (may Allah be pleased with him) said:

“A righteous woman with a man is like a great gold-leafed crown on the head of a king, and a bad woman with a man is like a heavy weight upon an old man.”

-Al-Musannaf Ibn Abi Shaybah, 17428.

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May we all have someone who would embrace us when we are both in pieces and whole—someone who would gently touch our shattered parts once we crumble down even if they already knew they would just be hurt by our sharp edges; and someone who would, without any second thoughts, accept our entirety.

For there are people who just want our joyful sides, our happy fragments, the beautiful portions of our lives—but never the saddest, loneliest, and flawed parts that we have. May these people exist on the worlds we have created for ourselves; because when they face the same situation—the state of being scattered everywhere—we would pick them up without hesitations, for we know what it feels like to be one.

—Ren Ednalig

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“The moment I saw her, a part of me walked out of my body and wrapped itself around her. And there it still remains.”

— Arundhati Roy, The Ministry of Utmost Happiness

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"my darling, you will never be unloved by me you are too well tangled in my soul"

— Atticus

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Depresija može biti zlatna prilika koju nam pruža život, da se izravno suočimo sa stvarima koje se tiču naših srca, ali koje, zbog užurbanosti ili neznanja, samo guramo pod tepih.

| Elif Šafak, Crno mlijeko |

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“If you are on the way towards Allah, then run. if it’s hard for you then jog: even crawl, but never stop or go back.”

– (Imam Shāfi'ī raḥimahullāh)

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“He who has no manners has no knowledge;he who has no patience has no deen;and he who has no God-consciousness has no closeness to Allah.“”

— Al-Hasan al-Basri | preparing for the day of judgement By Ibn Hajar

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The Perfect Husband

For modern non-Muslim western women, the "perfect husband" is a working man who also cooks, cleans the house, does laundry, and changes diapers as much, or more than, she does.

This as a constant theme in movies, popular TV shows, viral tiktok videos, books, and even in conversations with non-Muslim women in real life.

I watched a YouTube video where a newlywed wife was talking about her life, her very recent marriage, and her demanding full-time job as a nurse. She gushed about her new husband being a "perfect husband" because he cooks dinner for her, cleans the apartment, and does the dishes. Her job was exhausting as she often worked 14-hour shifts, so she loved that she came home to a clean home and a hot dinner.

So I started reflecting on this notion, and I thought, "Why do these women see the perfect husband as a husband who helps out a lot domestically? Why doesn't she, for example, prefer that he completely provide for her and her children financially 100%? Wouldn't that be a better deal? Wouldn't complete financial security without her having to lift a finger be more of an obvious advantage to a woman than a husband who's willing to cook dinner in the kitchen with her? Wouldn't she prefer to be relaxed at home and not be forced to work 14-hour shifts at a job in the first place?"

But then I realized: women who have these kinds of preferences and priorities are heavily influenced by feminism, and as such, a man being the sole financial provider wouldn't be their preference-- it would be their worst nightmare!

Because to feminists, the money coming solely from the man means bad things. It means that she, as the woman, is his dependent. That she relies on him totally for her financial needs. That she is "at his mercy," and "under his thumb," and "under his control." That she has to actually...(gasp!)...TRUST her husband.

A feminist's worst nightmare.

Recently, I came across a book titled, The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?

The author is an American feminist woman who pushes her fellow women not to rely on their husbands to be the sole providers, and instead for wives and mothers to work outside the home and "pursue their passions." Even moms of young children should leave home to work. Her main message to women is: you can do it all! You can have it all! You can be super highly educated, be super sexually experienced, work a high-powered career chasing your dreams, while at the same time being a wife and a mother! It's all doable and even easy!

This is, of course, a fantasy.

But that's the thing about fantasies: they *sound* so nice. So alluring. So tempting.

Why *can't* I have it all?

Why *can't* I be everything at the same time?

So instead of focusing realistically on a few key categories at a time to prioritize in life, women believe the nice-sounding fantasy and try to prioritize everything at the same time. An impossible mission.

This, of course, fails.

So the tired, rundown wives who are quickly getting bitter and burned out trying to be Superwoman daily, now turn accusingly to their hapless husbands, and say, "Why aren't *you* doing too much too? Why aren't you as overwhelmed as I am? You need to pull your weight!"

So the husband, who also has a demanding full-time job, is required to do everything himself, too. He needs to work at his job, then come home to cook dinner, vacuum the living room, wash the dishes, and mop the kitchen floor.

He becomes her male replica; they both become androgynous worker bees.

Now both the husband and the wife are doing too much. Both feel overwhelmed, overworked, over-extended. Neither gets much rest.

When you are doing everything (even if partially), you aren't exempt from *anything.*

There is nothing you are allowed to skip, no area you are free to not worry about. You are, thus, forced to worry about everything at once: from the family's finances and bills, to what to cook for dinner, to who will unload the dishwasher.

It's a massive load physically, but also mentally and psychologically.

And it only gets heavier, more complicated, and more burdensome when children arrive. Because children require time, energy, and attention that neither working parent has, they are raised by others ("professionals") at daycares, nurseries, and schools. The children cannot stay home because nobody is home to stay with them.

Unfortunately, what I've noticed is that some Muslim women have adopted this mindset too.

And in some ways, the "Muslim version" is much worse.

Going into marriage, some Muslim ladies have delusional expectations, completely unhinged from reality.

They want the Islamic rights of the wife, namely her right to nafaqa from the husband, PLUS the non-Muslim notions of an egalitarian house-husband.

Basically, this type of Muslim feminist wants her "perfect husband" to provide for her 100% as is his Islamic obligation while she works outside the home as her non-Muslim counterparts do. His money is "our money" but her money is her money. This perfect husband will also, after getting home from work, help her cook dinner and switch the loads of laundry.

So the husband needs to do 100% of the finances plus 50% of the household chores, giving 150%. She is willing to be gracious enough to do 50% of the chores, while "pursuing her dreams" the rest of the rest.

This is pure nonsense.

Of course, I am not saying that husbands shouldn't ever help out their wives around the house with chores. That's not at all what I'm saying.

I'm saying this shouldn't be the default, the standard, or the expectation day-to-day. And it certainly shouldn't be anywhere near 50% if he's also the sole breadwinner!

In the Islamic paradigm of marriage and family, there are defined gender roles that provide structure and clarity. In an efficient and effective system, the husband and wife split up the responsibilities strategically, such that everything gets done without any one person being forced to do everything. Each party plays to his or her strengths: the husband tackles the outside realm as primary provider, protector, and leader, while the wife holds down the home front as the primary nurturer, bearer of children, and household executive.

The non-Muslim "perfect husband" model pushes androgyny not found in real life.

The "feminist Muslim" "perfect husband" model pushes women's entitlement.

The Islamic model of marriage gender roles is attuned to human nature, the fitra, and human happiness and flourishing.

But in our haste to follow the non-Muslims down their lizard hole of marital insecurity and mutual mistrust, we abandon our own beautiful Islamic system and run after their dysfunctional mess.

[Of course, this is pertinent to situations where it is possible for the husband to carry the financial burden alone as the sole provider, yet the wife chooses to work anyway. There are other scenarios, obviously, in which a dual income is needed just to be able to put food on the table. These situations are outside this discussion.]

Umm khalid

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Hasan Al Basari used to say:

When a slave sins and then repents, he does not increase except in closeness to Allah, and this happens each time he sins. Because he will always be on a path between sinning and not sinning until he reaches the Aakhirah .

فيض القدير (٢٨٥/٣)

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Yaḥyá b. Muʿād̲h̲ said, "If you cannot be of benefit to a believer, then do not harm him; if you cannot make him happy, then do not make him sad; and if you cannot praise him, then do not disparage him."

— Al-Khaṭīb, Kitāb al-zuhd, 1:114

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"After 1000 years a man will come out of the Hell Fire. I hope that man is me."

رحمه الله Hasan al Basr-

This man was a Taabi'i, a student of the sahaba, one of the a'immah of the salaf, and even he felt that he had no guarantee of being spared from the worst of Allah's punishments. Where do we rank in comparison to this man and how negligent can we be of our own situations.

[الزهر الفائح في ذكر من تنزه عن الذنوب والقبائح ١/٩٢]

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He came as if he was a soul for my soul

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Istu će knjigu

Dva insana čitati

I dvije će se poruke

Iz knjige uzeti

Istu će priču

Dva insana slušati

I dvije će se istine

Iz priče izroditi

Istu će temu

Dva insana pričati

I dvije će se poruke

Iz priče razumjeti

Nije baš istina

Ono što ti razumiješ

Niti je svima zvučno

Ono što ti čuješ

I nije svima bitno

Ono što ti mudruješ

Već neka objašnjenja

Ti sebi duguješ

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A pain that makes you more humble, tender, and understanding is a hidden blessing. Rebuilding through pain and becoming stronger than before is a gift.

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