memoirsofahopefulromantic

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

It’s Okay to Not Always Win

You were always competitive. Always have been.

And I do think it’s a desirable quality of Yours. Which should be left to the workplace, and should have little place in our relationship. Because Your competitiveness did, at times, become a source of contention for us.

So, it was incredibly and surprisingly sweet of You. To NOT give me a Heart in the first round last night.

You continue to surprise me.

As You continue to demonstrate how much You love me.

And THAT is why I consider myself a winner here, because of You ❤️

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

♥️

❤️. Is what I like to attach to Your posts.

You said I hearted all of Your posts. And that’s because I was biased.

But to be honest, I’ve only hearted a majority of them. Because I try so very hard to NOT heart every single one, as to leave some deceptive semblance that I’m not completely crazy (Truthfully though, who am I kidding!) about stuff You love and how pretty they are and how it makes my heart flutter like the wings of a majestic butterfly emerging from its cocoon.

And that is why I intentionally have to choose a few least favourites among all my favourites to be left unhearted, just to convey how very objective and sane I am.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Reason #321 You’re Adxxbs

[I have decided to use a random numbering system. I will not start from 1 as I’ve probably mentioned more than 30 plus reasons You’re adorable, and it wouldn’t be fair to go back to 1]

Today, You woke up. I saw You reading my messages as You came online, and just as I was wondering whether to call You, You called me. You sounded so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and I thought in my heart that You were all sorts of ready to take on the world and its challenges and fearful of nothing, but within 40 minutes (and despite numerous rather CONVINCING [if I may say so myself] attempts to get You to bid Your thick mattress farewell and make the extremely short trek over, which You’ve declined), You’re asleep again for the second time even before I’ve slept even once, You adorable sleepyhead <3 <3 <3

P.S. 22 days and 14 hours left. Not long now [I told You I was a patient man.]

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Typing

I type. Did a lot of typing, and I guess I still do from time to time.

No, I’m not referring to typing on a keyboard. I’m talking about the typing that the brain does. Automatically. Subconsciously.

***

It’s common knowledge that the brain, especially the human brain is superior in its ability to seek out patterns and identify trends. And because of this, humans can infer from the past to predict the future and that has often been cited as one of the reasons mankind has been so successful in its various ventures.

An easily understandable example is how we can see faces, even when they’re not there. Because the brain is actively seeking out recognisable patterns to derive meaning from them. But this isn’t always accurate. Apophenia.

***

Excusing my little digression, what has that got to do with this story?

I guess I’m just trying to provide a scientific reason for why I type, either consciously or subconsciously. And what that meant was that I would scan through the past - my past, and look for overlapping elements and commonalities and try and draw meaning and conclusions from that.

That probably worked fine for my studies. But perhaps it was not the brightest idea to type when it comes to love.

You see, what that meant was that I would find the common traits among all those whom I’ve been attracted to, and try and come out with some sort of list of criteria or even a personal guideline as to what tickles my fancy and what does not and use it as a checklist in future encounters. I don’t remember whether I’ve always done this subconsciously, or was I just another victim to the ideas of popular culture that everyone has a type.

But over time, I came to develop (or thought I had developed) for myself what are the ideal characteristics in my special someone: be it hairstyle, or height, or ethnicity, or any other trait.

***

But when I met You, I felt and knew so strongly that I didn’t even think to compare You against some pre-formed and outdated notion of a type that I thought I’d be looking for. I just knew I had to have You; had to see You; had to be around and near You at all times.

Oh how useless were the criteria lists and guidelines and anything I thought I learned from my past!

But I do have a type. If someone asks me innocently, “So what is your type?”

I’d look at you, wink and say, “Type YOU.”

It’s You.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Yes?

It’s funny how one of the cutest things you say, also happens to be one of the most simplistically cruel word in the English language.

No.

But I guess there’s also okay and that’s okay. [With okay being the other impossibly cute thing you say]

I’ll try and make sure you don’t have to say no so often, okay? :)

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Talking @ You

“Put your phone in silent. Then I can talk at you.” <3 [19 Feb, 8.26 AM]

That’s what You said. And I loved that You just randomly texted me throughout the night as I slept (even though that hasn’t happened as much, as You sleep earlier and earlier nowadays). Weakling :P

***

As I started typing this, You were slowly drifting off to burrito-land, with the occasional accidental waking up, if I said ‘Hi’. I love talking to You until You are asleep. I asked You whether it was annoying. You said it’s endearing, at this point in time. I do hope this point in time never changes. That it never shifts. And You will always find this to be endearing.

I hope You will always find me to be endearing. 

I can’t predict the future. I can’t guarantee the future. But I know who I want and I won’t be afraid to want You.

All I ask is that You trust that You deserve good things in Your life. That You deserve happiness in Your life. And with that knowledge, take this leap!

***

I understand that You grew up, having to be independent. Being strong and tough and only reliant on Yourself. I know You are scared to ever relinquish that control You have, the confidence You have in Yourself and not needing anyone. But, perhaps, it’s NOT the worst idea to have someone to lean on, no?

I think, the reason I like talking to You before You fall asleep - is I want my voice to be the last that You hear before You bid farewell to yet another day.

In this extremely *cough* long amount of time I’ve known You, I’ve read You half a page of a contract *laughs* (My idea), 12 pages of one of Your favourite stories (as You asked me to) and a supposedly inappropriate fairy tale that turned out to be disappointingly mild as I had picked the wrong version to read (Definitely my idea!), and also just generally talked at You until You fell asleep :)

These will be memories I will always cherish. I hope You save a little space in that vastly amazing brain of Yours for them too.

***

I remember the first time I sang to You. Properly.

You were saying that You were growing drowsy, and I told You to just stay on the phone until You drifted off. I will hang up once You fell asleep.

I didn’t want to converse as that would probably require a response from You and keep You awake. So I just started humming as I told You to sleep.

That night, I was supposed to pack my luggage. I ended up talking to You for hours whilst hiding in the study room and so I never got to it and by the time I was humming to You, everyone in my house was asleep. So it was hardly the best time to pack.

(On a side note, I can’t believe that it didn’t cross Your mind that it was a romantic gesture. You must think I just run around talking to girls until they fall asleep, and singing as if it was the most normal thing? *raises eyebrow at You* Notwithstanding the fact that I’ve only known You for weeks at that point [though in fact I actually had no idea - I thought I’ve known You for months at the very least]. Also, if You think about it, I can’t possibly be doing this to any of my other FRIENDS *eyes You* if You were the person I was talking to every night)

Anyway, back to the point, I remembered I was packing because as I was singing/ whisper-singing to You with my earpods in and phone in my pocket, I walked around and attempted to pack a bit (Mother always says demonstrating effort is very important haha). I could hear ruffling noises coming from Your end, as You probably moved around, and crumpled the sheets. And I was just going through all the tunes I know. Filling in the lyrics or just humming them when I can’t recall the song (which was way too often).

And at one point, I heard You say [out of the blue - as I was midway humming] (I will always remember this), “You have a nice voice.” And that’s all You said. I assume You fell back to sleep again after that, and I could almost swear I HEARD the smile on Your face as You said that.

And I smiled too. And I think I fell deeper. Yes, fell deeper for You.

I soon ran out of songs. And I was not set on ‘Repeat’.

And so I just started using tunes in my head and interweaving them with lyrics of my own. I told You (in song but CERTAINLY NOT dance) my deepest thoughts and my fears about the future and my greatest dreams and desires and how I feel sometimes and basically just saying whatever comes to mind, and I must have been incredibly comfortable with You to be doing that to someone I’ve only met for weeks. (Which is why I was so shocked when You told me the actual date. I thought You were pulling my leg).

And I don’t think You ever realised to this day.

I’ve also talked at asleep You, telling you stuff no one knows but I think You never remember anything the day after. You sometimes do mumble a bit so I’m never actually 100% sure /so adorable!

***

Of all the songs I’ve sung to You, I think one of the most frequent ones recently has a particular verse that I like. I know You may have absolutely no idea what I’m saying but it doesn’t bother me:

从前从前 有个人爱你很久

But I’m starting to think whether I should go for a different song - because at the song ended with her still saying goodbye.

And that’s never the ending I want.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Catskin

Today I learned a new word. During which You seemed to have lost Your ability to control Your laughter. Which is always a good thing.

You always find it ever so amusing when I misread. How shall I take my IELTS? #helpme

Then again, I don’t mind learning a new word to describe You though.

***

Bonny.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Switch

Hi. You. Person who is now sound asleep and hopefully still a nicely wrapped, tucked in burrito.

(I’ve always wondered why the expression ‘sound asleep’ actually. If one was sleeping well, shouldn’t it be soundless? Or perhaps snoring is the true ultimate indication of a night of rejuvenation?)

I do like, listening in, as You succumb to burrito-land. I never know when that might happen. And sometimes I think I’m talking to myself and start rambling, You make a reappearance to enlighten me about the terrible ways of my pronunciation before falling away again and I am reminded of Your *scintillating* personality.

Anyway, digression aside, we are gathered here today to discuss the switch. Makes You think why I went into all that burrito stuff, eh? (I do think this post will be a short one - so I do apologise if it doesn’t amount to 577 pages and what counts as light reading for You *so much assumption going on right now*)

Thanks to the vampire genre of drama series, I have been persuaded that we have a switch. And one can choose to turn off this switch so that one does not feel.

No joy. No sadness. No remorse.

Consequences are and mean nothing.

You have tried fervently to convince me that You are cold and unkind and will only hurt those around You. Perhaps You think Your switch is off. Or perhaps You think You can switch it off if You wanted to.

I beg to differ.

Even if You have acted in such a way in the past, I don’t believe You are still the same person.

(But I don’t think I have persuaded You with my arguments. SO FAR #optimism?)

***

I actually wrote this to talk about a different kind of switch that You have. Guess I’m going to SWITCH the topic now *self high five?*

A terribly, incredibly, unimaginably adorable switch of Yours #37days&18hours #youjustwait

Here is a list of places where You won’t fall asleep: 1.

Kidding aside, I do LOVE it that You can fall asleep anywhere. One minute You are there, the next minute it’s lights out and no one is home (well like, not Your actual home. I meant the floor upstairs)

Why is Windows 94 so tired all the time anyway? *concerned face* Is that what happens when You don’t eat enough and treat salads as a food group on its own?

And sleepy You seems to think being sleepy is an adequate explanation for ALL of Your behaviours. It’s not. (But for You, I’ll make an exception)

If You’re not eating enough maybe I should come feed You *squints at You*

Anyway I am powering down soon myself. Will be getting a much needed boost tomorrow #excitation *wink*

Stay hungry, stay sleepy (I think I’ve found Your new motto)

Nighty night

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

List

Hey You. 

I have decided to NOT use initials for the first time. Because for the first time, I have shown this blog to someone. And it was You. So this may not simply be a story told, but perhaps a one sided conversation had.

To be honest, I did not foresee this. Any of this. Never have I imagined I would meet You on my favourite form of transport (definitely sarcasm).

You see, it’s not that we have never met. Earlier, I have just always been deprived of the chance to see You for who You really are. Maybe, timing is indeed a bitch.

***

Today I lost. And yet You were the one who wept.

I wonder why. [STOP always being so hard on Yourself. You will never be able to please everyone]

It’s alright. Because You have always been honest. And I knew all along. I just didn’t think You’d say yes, and so I never asked. And I NEVER thought You were going to say yes to him.

You are always so surprised that people like You. Why? Haven’t You met Yourself? I do not know what happened in Your past, and I don’t necessarily have to know. I do not know who or what or why You became so vulnerable to Your own judgement, but perhaps it is time for You to stop living in the past (and get back with the times).

You asked for a list. Of reasons why I like (present tense!) You. The thing is, I don’t think it was ever a rational call. I did not arrive at the conclusion that I like You after performing an analysis or running criteria checks. As much as I have enjoyed being a student of the mind, this will always be a matter of the heart and of the gut. But if You must, I guess I can and will do this for You.

The List

You are ADORBS

You stick out your tongue after saying something cheeky (This is performed in conjunction with your eyes going rainbow-shaped)

You insist on how You are cold and heartless, but somehow I don’t find that to be true. You have a group of friends who LOVES You. I think You are more afraid of having to be cold and heartless one day, rather than actually being cold and heartless in the present moment (Those who insist that they are heartless are never actually heartless. They have just either hurt or been hurt in the past. But, who hasn’t?)

Your mind is amazing. And I love what You always say in return (except when You evade my questions *eyes You*)

You smell incredible. I am positive it is NOT shampoo

How comfortable I feel around You. And assuming I’m correct too, how comfortable You are around me. I can just do or say whatever, without running that through the numerous filters I have gathered as I grew older #nofilter

That Your favourite part of Yourself are Your wrists (Risk, anyone?)

You are ADORBS when You are sleepy (Actually, even when You’re not, refer to Point 1.)

You like walks. Random walking in new places

You are honest. You tell me stuff and I can tell You stuff when I’ve only known You for what, two months-ish?

I feel like I have known You forever

You speak about Yourself in third person from time to time

Your presence makes me want to smile for no good reason. (You always ask me why I’m smiling randomly. Now You know)

You have actually read a lot of the stuff I’ve read

Your Whatsapp status is ALWAYS a verse from a song

You are SO gullible #bitternessup

Every minute I spend with You makes me want to spend the next week with You

How You are when You reminisce about Lucky

You sleep with Your stomach facing down #adorbs (How do you breathe?)

You bruise Yourself for unknown reasons (Even when I don’t think You are actually that clumsy)

You drink tea (I don’t actually know why that makes me like You, but it just puts a smile on my face imagining You sitting there with a warm cup of tea clasped in the palm of Your hands)

You said “Love you” when I called You before You flew back to this land we are on (Perhaps You say “Love you” to ALL Your friends, but I don’t, so maybe I was just reading too much into that)

You Tumblr (I know, right?)

You are so incredibly stubborn (Drives me nuts!)

You are actually better at directions and chopstick skills than me (No, nothing else. That’s it *convinces self*)

Most of all, I have been wanting/ waiting to meet someone like You for a very long time. So very long that I have actually forgotten that it’s possible that You’d exist; that You’d be real

How I wish I had taken the time to get to know You earlier last year, Durian Girl. That’s my only regret. Then perhaps I’d be the lucky one now. I will always wonder whether it would’ve made a difference, or perhaps I’d always just be Your friend. Because unlike You, I do know what I want. And I want more. I’d love more.

As someone who watches Grey’s, I think You’d understand when I say “Be my person?” (I messed up when I typed it to You earlier)

Please stop being so hard on Yourself. You can’t make everyone happy, and neither is it Your duty. 

If something did happen in Your past, let it go. Don’t You think it’s time?

***

I won’t pretend to be able to hear about Your stories with him, and neither can I assume I will be objective if You ever ask me for my thoughts as a friend about You two.

And honestly, I can’t say I will be rooting for You two to work. Cause somehow something tells me this is NOT the end. As an optimist, I am hoping it’s not.

***

I hope, that sleep finds You now, and that every dream You have from here on out is sweet like pancakes with maple syrup.

P.S. You said you were jealous of “this strange girl you can’t identify”. I guess you’re the one who’s strange now.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Sleepless at Six

For someone I call a baby, I love how you handle kids. Or tiny, miniature humans with endless energy and just want to jump and run around the whole day.

Your patience. Made me fall even harder. You may not think it, but you’ll make a great mother some day. And any guy who gets to call you ‘wife’ will be lucky as hell.

I know. I saw, what you were doing. How you tried every angle, to get them to leave. And you were so close. Except for that one boy who needed to ‘drink more water’. And seeing how you handled them, I learned yet another thing about you. I didn’t think it would be possible to fall even harder fall for you. But I did. And the best part is that you have no idea that every single thing you do, without knowing it, reveals your kindness and your patience. Your gentle heart.

Like the time you offered to reheat pizza. With him. Or when you helped with his bags. With him the second. Honestly, I was jealous. Envious of their position.

***

It was great. In the darkness, I knew I was only staring at the ceiling. But your voice was as sweet as honey coming from behind me. I fought sleep that night. Hard. Just to stay awake and talk to you. And I hope I get to do it again.

I never knew I could be so sleepy at 6. But for you, I stayed awake. I love your voice. And your stories. And the fact that you were sleepless at 6 as well.

You told me many things. Nothing related to your personal dreams or ambitions or things of that sort. And boy, I would love to hear. But you did teach me to play a game. Entirely with words. And I think I got it.

And the other thing was, how you treated your little cousins. I could imagine you - taking pity on the little ones and letting them chill in your room. Or entertaining them. Even though you said they liked your brother more.

Oh, how I wish for the chance to just talk. All night, till the sun comes up. Till it’s time to sleep again.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Tone of Voice

We were in another city, having dinner. It was Korean BBQ. Everyone was arguing and being indecisive over what to and how to order. In a very serious tone of voice, you decided that we were just going to get Set A and Set D and that was that. I wondered if it was because you were famished, because you were usually very soft-spoken.

I loved how others were shocked by your tone of voice.

But what I loved more was how you felt guilty and sheepish and kept on asking whether you actually used a different tone of voice. It was adorable.

***

That was the night you taught me how to say octopus balls in Japanese. I have forgotten now, sadly.

That was also the night I taught you how to drink foamed tea from Gong Cha, but I guess you were never listening in the first place.

If only we could be on holiday forever.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Cornered

I was going through a phase. I liked to poke you. Because it was fun. But mostly because you didn’t particularly enjoy being poked, so I liked it even more. Welcome to the curious world of the male psyche.

Anyway, we were walking down the street, next to a pizza place. And you said something that triggered me. Again. I chased after you, poking you. And you unwittingly backed into the row of shops, leaving yourself with nowhere to run.

Cornered, you were. And as I had you trapped, with you looking back at me with your lovely big eyes, I had an urge - THE urge to kiss you. I could feel my heart pounding against my rib cage at the moment, the chemicals in my brain and my body were raging. I could feel my breaths getting deeper.

I had to refrain from acting as I pleased. The timing wasn’t right. It would’ve ruined everything.

I backed off, letting you escape.

***

And now, many months later, I’m rather sad that the whole poking phase is over. Because you said you didn’t like it, and this time I listened.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Somewhere I Can’t Pronounce

It was my first significant dream about you. And we were in a city I haven’t been in for a long time. We were there for holiday.

I saw some of my old friends. And along the way, you left with some guy to somewhere I can’t pronounce. For kayaking. And I didn’t even know that one could do such activities there (It’s a dream. The logic is warped).

And I missed you oh-so badly. And hated you for leaving with some random guy. But I guess it’s on me for not making my intentions and emotions clear. J said that it was alright, that she understood (Well again, in real life, she had no idea).

I woke up. And knew that I must do something. Before you disappear in real life.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Puzzle + Chopsticks

It was a different city. We were in a museum and/ or gallery of sorts. Somewhere intellectual. Somewhere fun.

I learned something about you that day. That you were hopeless at puzzles.

We were at the kid’s section. And I challenged you to solving a 9-piece puzzle. There were 9 pieces: 4 corner pieces, 4 side pieces and 1 centre piece. I recall you trying to put the side pieces in the middle, and the corner pieces by the side. You were so stressed because I put you on the clock. I just did it for fun, thinking you’d be done in seconds. You proved me wrong :P

You told me later that you never did puzzles. Of any kind. Maybe it’s because I already find you adorable, I found you even more adorable for struggling with a puzzle. You did manage to solve a snake one later, so not too bad. You protest a lot when I challenge you to stuff, but I love it that you do them anyway.

But then again I couldn’t pick up anything with chopsticks to save my life. Not a spring roll. Not ice. Not tofu. The list continues to grow by the day.

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Crazy/ Perfect

I’m so crazy in love with you right now

That if you killed a baby

I’d probably say

That the baby deserved it

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder

And I have 20/20 vision (Okay I don’t, just metaphorically)

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Thin

You taught me

To like thin

But it is not bodies

That I’m referring to

Rather the thickness

Of a pizza base

You see

Before you, I have never

Ventured pass the default option

On the drop-down list

When one orders online

[memoirsofahopefulromantic]

Whatchu drinkin’

We were

Pondering

On what to order

In a bar

You were curious

As to what he had

In his blue porcelain mug

Atop the wooden antique table

With a sole candle

Burning

You walked over

Asked what it was

And he let you try some

From his mug

And

I’m assuming his girlfriend

Or friend who was a girl

Did not mind

I know I tease you

But deep down

I fall deeper in love

With you

For your naive

Fearlessness