memorieow - Tumblr blog

[memorieow]

I'm putting memorie on indefinite hiatus

Content warning as I do discuss abuse, rape and trauma in general

TLDR: I have been enduring abuse since I was a teen and this latest traumatic event has affected me to the point of leaving the internet behind, including this musical alias.

I’ve been offline for a little while over Christmas and also recently been unable to get on social media and been reflecting on what I want not only for this project but just my life and happiness in general. The entire events of the past few months have been traumatic, and it’s such a slap in the face when I was on a path to being mentally healthy and healed from previous trauma. I remember how the relationships and friendships in my life used to play out and how inept I was trying to navigate the world being like 15, 16, 17 with all this shit going on in my brain, being isolated from all my friends in real life and just being in this deep depression, thinking everyone was mad at me, mistreating people close to me and self sabotaging my life. I mean my childhood was alright but since I was 13, I’ve been put through events that I can’t even bring myself to think about, just repress it as best I can. I think about how when I turned 17 I chose to get better and learned so much about how to just be a person again. I got beat up a few months prior and was wearing the same neutral outfit every day. I say neutral as there was nothing identifiable about it, it wasn’t even masculine or feminine, just neutral. I remember just feeling like I’d lost all sense of self, like no matter what I did, as long as I lived I was going to be put through traumatic events no matter what. The truth is, when you live in the middle of nowhere and grow up weird and sensitive and you think there’s just something wrong with your existence, you tend to just hang around whoever will hang around you. I put myself in situations to get abused, hurt, traumatized. But when I turned 17, I just decided to be “myself” and work on healing myself and so when I got into yet another relationship that year, I tried as hard as I could to do everything right, but ultimately, when you’re with someone who hurts you, it messes with your head, you do stuff out of character, they manipulate you into this weak shell of a person where you’re controlled by them. And when it gets really bad you just hide it. I just can’t believe that after how many times I tried to tell my friends I was being abused, they all didn’t believe me when I was essentially forced to come out about it. Like how many times did I say I wanted to get out, how many times did I call you from outside the house because I was scared to be in the house with her, how many times did I write a song and literally say in the fucking lyrics someone is hurting me, it’s killing me.

It’s crazy, after I finally left her I tried to give her a chance at being my friend, I never wanted to see her as only bad and I especially never wanted her image hurt, I’d be on the phone with her and she’d beg me to come back to her and live with her and when I said no, she’d threaten me with posting stuff on twitter about me, blatant lies, recounting a phone call where I was supportive, and saying me, an actual rape victim, tried to victim blame her. Combine that with discord messages that are literally 3 years old from the age of 15 (right after the most traumatic event of my life) of me reaching out for help (not in a healthy way, but again, nobody tells you when you get raped at 15 how to cope or how to act in the future) and that was enough for basically all of my friends to leave me behind. This is all to say, I don’t wanna be in this community, I don’t want more fake friends, I want to be appreciated by those around me for who I am, believed, taken seriously. I don’t even like making this music anymore, it’s been entirely ruined for me if I’m being honest. I just hope when I finally get the strength to leave, they leave me alone. If getting abused wasn’t enough, being reminded of it by the constant harassment and death threats from her and her friends is enough to send me off the internet. I don’t wanna do this anymore, I wanna work my job and go to school and then move far away. Thanks to anyone who read, this won’t be available to read soon I don’t think just due to google’s limitations. I just wanna put the mic down for now, I want to be okay, and this soundcloud serves as a reminder of what’s happened to me. I wanna heal and I don’t need this following me. I wanna say to anyone who’s been through physical or emotional abuse, especially alone, I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured. It’s not right or fair that this happens, it’s not right or fair when the people around you choose to not believe you, it’s awful and I can’t describe how bad it gets. But you can always rebuild and leave those shitty people behind and heal, become better and although trauma sticks with you forever, it gets easier. At least I hope so. 

Again thank you for reading and once I finish these last few paid verses/placements I will be deactivating my instagram/discord/everything else I can find that has my name attached and you will most likely not hear from me again unless we’re close.

Thank you so much to everyone who's supported me over the past year and a half, thank you to the people who came to see me live, I'm sure I will perform again some day, just not as "memorie", lol. Thank you everyone. Till next time