memories-and-musings - Tumblr blog

[memories-and-musings]

These two ❤

Since I finished the last episode my thoughts always went to what did Carson do next? Where did she go next before (please let it be) going to New York? (Because surely she cant wait that long!)...and then this gifset hit me in the feels.

Carson opened Greta up, and then Greta, who always protects herself and always has a facade up of sorts hears Carson isnt going back to Charlie, hears she'll be back next season and hopes she will too...but then has to go to New York by herself. Who has questioned before that Carson would never leavr Charlie for her...and then she sort of did and sort of didnt...and that must be one heck of a mind fuck (for lack of a better term).

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, i just needed to get it out!

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So, I just googled the name to try and find the actress who's playing the new love interest, and instead of finding the actress it took me to Tess Harris...Pierce's wife pre-Rhona, who's maiden name was Merton...so maybe Suzy's visit is related to Marcus? Or theres another connection? And Tess died because Kirin ran her over...all the potential links for drama here! 😲

Spoilers: Vanessa's new girlfriend

The character should first show up next week and she's called Suzy Merton.

The spoilers for the week of the 4th say :

"Vanessa bumps into a familar face and plans a dinner date".

It's not clear if Vanessa already knows this woman from her past or if she'll meet her next week and then bump into her again the following week.

The actress playing her confirmed she's gonna be a regular on the show.

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You’d do anything to get into my bedroom, you will.

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Vigil BBC

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She's Here - Charity/Vanessa

She's Here - ao3 link

Vanessa is back and Charity can't believe it. A drabble of additional Charity thoughts through some of the scenes so far.

Its been a while since I've written anything non-work related but these two have me sucked back in!

--

Charity can’t believe what she’s seeing - Vanessa is here. Standing right in front of her, all twitching nose, and eyes full of anger. She’s here; she’s here and she’s healthy, and she’s gorgeous as ever. The last time she saw her in the flesh was through her mum’s letterbox as she begged her for another chance. And now she’s here. Less than 6 feet away and Charity can’t believe it. She imagined this moment so many times back then, rehearsed it again and again in her head; all the things she’d say to her, the many ways she’d apologise and make her see that she meant the world to her, that she was her happy ending, that that stupid kiss was a moment of complete madness. That, though it’s no excuse, she’d been so so lonely and scared and the paranoia had crept in that Vanessa was never going to come home to her, that she was staying away because she realised that she didn’t want her. She’d make sure she knew that she’d do anything to take it back, to rewind to that moment and run far, far away from him. And then he speaks from beside her now and her stomach drops and her world tilts on its axis once more as she hears her name fall from his lips. It shouldn’t ever be on his lips. And she can tell Vanessa’s angry, the look in her eyes Charity will never forget. And Charity realises how this looks. That it looks like she’s been with him since the kiss, that it looks like it was more than it was, but she can’t say anything. It’s like she’s frozen and all she can do is drink her in; she looks the same and yet different and Charity can’t stop looking, taking in every little detail. Vanessa is here. And Charity can’t say a word. Then she’s turning and walking away, and Charity feels her resolve crumbling. Vanessa is here, and Charity’s safely constructed, comfortable existence is no more. It’s the click of the door to Tug Ghyll closing behind Vanessa that brings Charity back to the moment, to Mack’s face looking at her expectantly. She hopes her expression hasn’t given her away. "Shall we?" she says, tucking her hands deep in her pockets and walking towards his place with purpose. She needs a drink. Probably one of the only things that will stop her thinking about the fact that Vanessa - beautiful, gorgeous, fiery Vanessa - is probably sitting curled up on that damn yellow sofa in Tug Ghyll where they used to curl up together. Stop her thinking about the fact she’s just told Mack she loves him, but it’s not like it was with Vanessa, nothing and nobody ever could be. Vanessa isn’t here for her. She shakes her head to get rid of the memories and hopes the wine she bought yesterday will do the trick. -- She hates that Mack wants to talk about her. Because she knows that he hit the nail on the head in the maze – she had been holding on to hope that Vanessa might one day take her back. That Charity would have all the right words to say, and she’d forgive her, and they’d build their lives back together, build their family back together - but better this time. And they’d be happy. So happy. But Vanessa isn’t here for her, and Charity doesn’t want to talk about her. Mackenzie is who she has now, and she slips straight into her second most used crutch. He’s so painfully easy to manipulate but today she’ll take it as she leads him up to bed. She just wants to forget about the anger and the hurt in Vanessa’s eyes for 5 minutes. Because it kills her, knowing she put it there, knowing that nothing she can do will change that. -- She seeks out Chas the next day once she’s slunk out of Mack’s bed. Knows she’s right when she says Vanessa didn’t need to tell her she was coming. But it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, to see her so unexpectedly. And more jarring given the conversation her appearance interrupted. What were the chances that Vanessa would come back right at that moment? Just as Charity had given in, said those 3 words. She’d been backed into a corner emotionally, terrified if she didn’t that she’d be alone. Her and Vanessa hadn’t been like that. Vanessa had given her the time and the space to get there when she was ready.

Hadn’t said it but had shown it in so many ways until she’d been brave enough to voice those words first, on her terms, in her time. She was heading back to her place when she heard a door behind her, turned around to see Vanessa leaving Tug Ghyll and heading for David’s. She froze in place, watching her make her way across the road. When she saw her come out, she headed up towards her, interrupting her phone conversation and a little taken aback again at the anger on Vanessa’s face. She wasn’t used to that no matter that she knew why it was there. Vanessa called her out, knew she must’ve been waiting. Vanessa knew her. No, knows her. And Charity knows nobody will know her like she does. The words are tumbling out of her desperately as Vanessa turns away and she needs to let her know how she feels; "Nothing like what it was with us." And then Vanessa’s words are like daggers, but she tries again. And then she finds out about Vanessa’s girlfriend, and she feels like the world has come out from under her. The woman she loves – because a love like that never goes away – is with someone else. "I’m really pleased for ya." She manages, though she’s not sure how. And then Vanessa’s heading inside and she wants nothing more than to rewind those 18 months. -- "Are you okay?" He wasn’t who she needed to see right now. He’s a reminder of how everything has changed, of why she’s watching Vanessa walk away from her and her heart is in pieces. She leaves him there, must get as far away from him as possible. -- She sees her later that day – the girlfriend - as she’s looping the village again, trying to keep herself distracted, telling herself she’s not doing it to catch more glimpses of Vanessa. She’s pretty and stylish and Tracy seems to like her, and Vanessa smiles when she sees her. And Charity wishes it were her on the other end of that smile. But Vanessa’s moved on and only here for a visit. And so, she turns away and heads back to his place, doubles down on Mack and stuffs those feelings back in their box. -- Any time she sees her around she can’t help but drink her in. If she’s leaving soon then she may as well get her fill even if it hurts to see her with someone new. She’s here, she’s healthy, she’s gorgeous. And then she bumps into her in the shop and Vanessa says she’s single and staying and her heart skips a beat. There it is again…that pesky little flame of hope. Even Vanessa’s prickly demeanour can’t extinguish that. And that box she stuffed those pesky feelings into? It opens just a little. -- When she sees Johnny it opens further. He’s grown so much and she’s missed it, missed him. That little boy she fought to adopt and then, through all of the ugliness that came at the break-up, she lost. She’s always doing something to lose them, her kids. He says her name, tells her he missed her and she can’t help herself. If Vanessa’s staying that means she might be able to see him so she puts her hat in the ring. Doesn’t get very far. But Vanessa is staying, and she’ll keep pushing, because Johnny missed her and seeing him opened that box a little bit more. Charity buys her wine. Thinks she might not need the whole bottle this time.

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I feel like they're setting it up with all the Frankie needing Nate chat that the path for Vanity getting back together will start with Vanessa letting Charity and Johnny spend time together cos he missed her. And I'm so here for that!

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Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

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                                                      you’re  a m a z i n g 

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Is this your idea of an apology?

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‘’Because the people you give your love to, it is their job to make your burden a bit lighter.’’

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“Widows” is the story of four women with nothing in common except a debt left behind by their dead husbands’ criminal activities. Set in contemporary Chicago, amid a time of turmoil, tensions build when Veronica (Viola Davis), Alice (Elizabeth Debicki), Linda (Michelle Rodriguez) and Belle (Cynthia Erivo) take their fate into their own hands and conspire to forge a future on their own terms.

Are we paying attention to this? I think we should be paying attention to this.

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in life it’s easy to get scared, oh but with you I am prepared for what has yet to come