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—i do not know if this is right.

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I don’t know if 2020’s forcing me to be someone that I’m not or helping me to go out in my comfort zone.

Being an adult is hard. Srsly.

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— Self, you always listen on your what your blood’s telling you. I know you knew that there is something WRONG— stop pretending as if everything’s fine.

I know you’ve already seen what’ll be like. The picture’s so vivid— stop pretending that you’re blind. Oh, wait. I guess you’re now too blinded by this thing called **v*. Poor you.

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— what does it feels like to live doing the things that you’re passionate about. What does it feels when you cry your heart out of exhaustion but still, you’re happy because you love what you’re doing.

my soul has been so hurt and pained for living like this.

I am not asking for too much, I only want to live simply in accord of my authentic self. Why it’s so hard?

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#lavierose—six

19 November 19

Sana lagi kita kasama, araw araw. Happy fifth month love. I love you.

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— but I still find the happiness and calmness of my heart with you. Might sound naive for some but BTS and GD will always have a space in my that no one could replace. I am willing to do everything for you, to see you again.

These people saved me and I will be forever grateful for that.

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—it is our soul who feels the pain, the sadness, the thirst of wanting more to things that we are passionate, the confusion on finding our path and trueself.

and it is also our soul who can feel the happiness of being with someone that we love. The happiness of having something that we want even on the simpliest things like watching the sunset or the rain, the smell of the waves of the ocean or by simply sitting on your front yard to see the stars.

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— i hate myself for saying YES to everyone. I’m tired.

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#lavienrose—five

21 Sept 19

‪It was late 10:00 pm, we parked at baywalk, sat at his pick-up’s cargo bed and had our beer together. ‬

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#lavienrose—four

10 September 19

To My Dearest Randy,

I know that was love. I felt it— that night, I became naive and insane but I was happy. I am inlove, we are both inlove.

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#lavienrose—three

26 August 19

To My Dearest Randy,

Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for accepting my imperfections that I thought would give you reasons to stop loving me.

I love you

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#lavienrose—two

To My Dearest Randy,

I hope you won’t end up hurting me the way my ex boyfriend did because my heart and soul are too weak now to be on another heartbreak.

I love you and falling in love with you deeply everyday 💕

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#lavienrose—one

LOVE, go spend the sunsets with me at the beach while we drink our hot coffee or cold beer.

or just sit on terrace to watch the rain.

or bring me on night drives or road trips.

or spend the night with me walking on busy streets and see the city lights.

or just be with me to listen on random songs while I read books.

Just be with me in these places, love. No expensive restos. No expensive stuff.

Thanks I met you. The you who lives humbly, simply and contented. Behind all your sweet messages and efforts, I saw you as my leader. I know there are much things to be learned from you.

Thanks to you I’m slowly learning things— like cooking. I hope you won’t get tired on guiding me.

I’m not trying hard to be perfect but I’m trying to give my best effort to prove not just to you but also to myself that I can be better.

It was a right decision that I let you in. Thank you Randy for coming into my life.

I love you— ♡

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I want to die. I am so done. I’m tired getting up in morning to do things that I hate. I’m tired forcing myself to live.

I love being alone but why I feel being left-out now.

Am I gonna be ok? Then when?

Self, I’m tired fighting.

Your soul is dying, you have no reasons to live.

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Had a talked last with boyfriend and told him that I’m still no believe that finally I have the courage to be in a commitment again after five years.

And he said “and you ended up liking someone who’s old” then he smiled.

I just smiled back.

—

I’m 23 and he’s 32, and I don’t care. Probably it’s because I’m an old soul. I like old stuff, old songs, vintage clothes, classics and old people.

My boyfriend cooks for me, picks me up from work, he holds my hand when he drives, he’s there to support my interests in photography and even to my idols— “tigil tayo dito, dali kuhaan mo ng picture ung sunset”. He knows on how I really want to be in front of TV to watch Park Bogum on news so he said “ok lang tigil ka muna kumain, punta ka sa harap ng TV para makita mo.” He knows where he can find me at mall. He knows my beer’s flavor. My boyfriend does this stuff for me.

I don’t care if he’s almost a decade older than me. He makes me happy and I love him.

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Unlearn

Self, stop contemplating that you’re better from everyone. I know you give your best on things that you’re good at, but keep in mind to not let this confidence led you in belittling people. Self, that is no good. You’re just ruining yourself.

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