menopausemonologues-blog

[menopausemonologues-blog]

The Cure?

After weeks of dealing with rampant hot flashes, making my days uncomfortable and my nights sleepless, I think I found a cure. No joke.

First, I was hit with an onslaught of high-intensity hot flashes that were hitting me every hour on the hour. Seriously. I timed them like one would contractions. They were hitting me at 25 past the hour lasting up to 3 minutes. The chills would set in about 45 past the hour. Life was sucking hard.

Prior to that, I was researching what to do, what to take, and whom to pray to. Of course, the most researched herb is Black Cohosh. But, guess what? It’s not good for people with aspirin allergies. Guess who has an aspirin allergy? Exactly.

So, I chose Dong Quai. And Black Currant Seed Oil. And Wild Yam. And Milk Thistle because my poor liver was going to be working overtime processing all of this.

I started taking 565mg of DQ 2 times per day with one Yam in the AM (with brekky) and with one Black Currant in the PM (at bedtime). Then, I added another Yam at night. Then the DQ was making me feel a little weird, so I dropped that to 1 capsule (approx 287.5mg/half the dosage on the bottle). Two weeks later, I’m rid of most of my flashes. No joke. I usually have one first thing when I wake up, one about 11PM and maybe one or two during the day, but not every day and they are not as intense. Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s a flash or if it’s just hot in the room. 

Now, this is just my little experiment based on some internet research. I am not a doctor and I am not endorsing this. You’ve got to row your own boat. You need to find what works for you. This worked for me. And I am so f*cking glad.

[menopausemonologues-blog]

A special place in Hell...

A special place in Hell exists for women in their 50s who get smug saying, “I’m no where near menopause. I still get my period every month.” As if I am now withering on the vine, while they (a few years older, mind you), still have the glow of youth (not administered by a highly paid dermatologist). Well, smugglies, when it hits you, it will hit you hard. It will not be kind. And I will be smiling. ;) 

[menopausemonologues-blog]

There has to be an upside...

Seriously. There has to be an upside to hot flashes. I’ve decided I’m going to take this all in stride and find the silver lining of this uncomfortable situation that I have zero control over.

1. There has to be a calorie-burn involved. When one’s body to go for normal to holy-shit-it’s-hotter-than-the-Sun-inside-me, that has got to burn some serious cookies. Don’t bother with the science; I’m taking this one on faith.

2. I have to be detoxing. All that sweat (yes, the sweat has come...and with a vengeance lately) has got to be purifying my body somehow. That’s why we go to saunas and the like. Sweat out those toxins. Thus, hot flashes must be detoxifying and good for me.

3. This is beneficial for my skin. All that calorie burning and detoxing has made my skin quite soft. Even the boyfriend commented. Or maybe that was him trying to make up for the fact that when I said, “I’m having one. Feel the back of my neck,” he went, “Holy shit! You’re on fire. Is that even normal?”

4. Male guilt. See the above.

[menopausemonologues-blog]

Bralettes

I’ve taken to wearing bralettes instead of bras. My feeling is, if in the event of an emergency (severe hot flash), and I have to peel off all my clothes (because I’ve come close in public, and have totes done it at home), at least a bralette is like a cute little top, and will be less likely to cause an arrest.

I picked up a few cute ones on sale at Aerie.com. 

Yes, I’m in peri-menopause and I’m shopping like a f*cking millennial. 

[menopausemonologues-blog]

So, No One Told Me...

Ladies, we don’t talk enough about menopause. We need to start. I wish someone would have told me what to expect. I truly do. (I suppose I should have asked. But I thought I had a bit more time.)

Here’s the deal: My period was due the first week of April. It was always a few days early. This time, it was late.

My birthday was the second week of April. The big 4-8. Still young, right? RIGHT?!?!? Right. I don’t feel old. I don’t look old (so I’m told). So, I’m having my birthday weekend without my period (yea!) and I start feeling unwell (boo). I lost my appetite (never happens). Felt a little off one afternoon (might faint, might puke, would likely live, though). And then it happened.

“Man, you’re burning up,” my boyfriend said the morning after my birthday. 

Yep. A hot flash. Mother of God. Why?

If Mother Nature were at all kind, you would have little hints coming at you. Periods that came every six weeks or so. Then, longer breaks in between. Eeeeeease into it. Nope. Not for me, anyway. My period up and disappeared and hardcore hot flashes came in its place.

If you need any proof that God is a man, have a hot flash.

What does a hot flash feel like? Imagine a wave of lava coming from the inside, coursing through your body, skin hot to the touch. Sometimes, the flashes are brief. Other times, they last longer and come with sweat. It’s sexy, let me tell you.

When do they happen? For me, mostly at night, some in the morning, and a few during the day. But that’s now, just six weeks into it.

Best part? I’m always cold. Except when I’m having a MFHF and then I go right back to being cold. It’s almost an aerobic activity pulling off and putting back on clothes. Can’t wait for summer! Right now, it’s still cold and if hot flashes were a superpower--like you could will one on instead of putting on a jacket-- that would be awesome. That would be proof God was a woman.

Now, my May period hasn’t arrived (yet). So now I have to wear pantyliners all the time. Buy stock in those companies, friends. None of this is fun. But, this isn’t a pity party, either. This is just information to share. You see, I don’t have a mother to talk to this about (no longer with me--bad heart), or sister to ask, “Seriously, WTF?!” So, I’ll Tumblr for ya and give you the highlights, share what I’ve learned.

For a little background: I’m not a mother. Never had kids (by choice). Most of my friends don’t have kids (birds of a feather and all that). After starting the conversation, I found that friends younger than me have been going through it, while friends older than me who have kids haven’t started (or so they claim; why is there any shame associated with this?). I wonder if there’s a correlation to not having kids and falling into meno earlier? Who knows. But I’m sure as shit going to share here what I experience and figure out. 

And while this isn’t exactly thrilling, it is part of life (note that I said “life” not “aging”). Might as well embrace it and have a laugh.