mental-dargon

[mental-dargon]

My best allies are imaginary. They won't abandon or betray me like real people might. They are safer, and yet still capable of turning my attention to hard truths. Many of my earlier ones were primarily focused on helping me feel safe and in control, but typically fed off my intense emotions. I have one now who is calmer and wiser, able to talk me through problems and help me see reason and progress. I don't like to write them down. It feels too personal to share. But my current protector ally is an exaggerated part. I have been working on getting her to where she can relax and let me live without alerting to every little detail. She still keeps me safe though. She reminds me to carry my keys in my fingers when I walk to my car, or to not wear headphones when I bike down a busy street. She still protects me, but in healthier ways now. My advisor is a very upbeat person, but certainly capable of being serious. For a while, he was my optimism when I could generate none of my own. He somehow always seems to know what I need, even if I can't figure it out on my own. Not really sure how that works since he's still a product of my mind, but I won't question it.

[mental-dargon]

When I leave my window of tolerance, I will typically hyperarouse into frustration and anger. I snap at people and try to isolate so I'm not dealing with so much. I've been trying to combat this with mindful breathing and taking a step back before coming back to the task. I rarely hypoarouse, but when I do, it is typically just a sudden loss of drive and a requirement to sit or lay down and do nothing. I have not yet worked out a way to combat this.

[mental-dargon]

One of the safest places I have right now is my own home. It's mine, and I can invite people in or keep them out as I please. I feel able to let my defenses down here, and more able to process things. Normally, I am alone or have a fictional ally with me.

[mental-dargon]

I have suffered from emotional hijacking in the past. Frequently, it results from me feeling attacked or threatened by coworkers and then snapping at them or abandoning them. I have been catching myself more frequently, and gotten better at toning down the responses. I usually walk away from the situation for a bit until I cool off, and then when I go back in, even if I'm still upset, I recognize my emotional state and am more alert to any further ineffective responses.

[mental-dargon]

I feel a tightness in my throat, and the burning of tears running down my face. I am a little too warm for comfort. I am carrying tension in my shoulders, and my breathing feels too shallow. My heart races, I am anxious and afraid. My feet are sweaty and stick to the floor. There is a lot here, but this is me.

[mental-dargon]

I have always had a tendency to blame others for making me feel one way or another. But I need to start taking responsibility and using "I" statements instead. I am also bad at explaining what i want or what I need, partially because I struggle to identify those things in myself. I am bad about assuming people can tell I'm stressed and need a break, when odds are, I've hidden it so well that it's virtually invisible. I am trying to get in the habit of asking what the other person needs, and I'm doing my best to give and take without completely compromising my needs. I am very good at backing off, although really I just run away and come back on my own terms. All of these things need some serious work. But I feel brave enough to start asking for what I need.

[mental-dargon]

I would say I tend to have a combined ineffective boundary setup. However, I have begun breaking away from that mold. Just last night, I was asked to pick up a shift by my boss and I told him no. I am slowly getting brave enough to ask for what I need from my partner also. I am working on this currently.

[mental-dargon]

Emotions were never addressed at home, not directly anyway. It was always "be still, be quiet". Emotions were allowed as long as I didn't express them. I was allowed to feel happiness at playing a game, but the moment my happiness became an obstacle to doing what I was told, it was bad. I had a hard time differentiating anger from sadness because I would typically cry about things regardless. When I was in the situation though, emotional expression was turned off at home. I learned that expressing it was bad. Before long, expressing it at school felt fake. I am a very good actress. Sometimes I can even fool myself. I have a hard time figuring out exactly what I'm feeling sometimes. I have gotten to the point that I can tell what negative emotions feel like, and I can differentiate them fairly well now. But positive things are still so foreign that my initial instinct is still to shut them down or run away. I'm having trouble understanding what love and safety feel like. But I am trying. Emotions are important, and they are part of being human. I am slowly starting to become comfortable with the more positive emotions. Just recently, I felt happiness and didn't feel the need to quiet it or the worry that I would just end up disappointed again.

[mental-dargon]

When things get tough, I fall back on all-or-nothing thinking. Everything is bad, I can't succeed, why bother, etc. Those typically are paired with an intense frustration or despair, and a desire to escape the situation. A lot of times, if I can just wait it out, it passes, provided I don't experience further negatives. I'm not really sure how to take back the reins when emotions dominate. I think it might still be best to remove myself and try to calm down a bit. That strategy has prevented me from escalating the situation in the past. I have catastrophized, usually in social situations, but i am getting much better. I have started expecting that people will tell me exactly what they think, and simply taking that at face value, while keeping it in the back of my mind that they may not be telling the truth. By removing their ability to be indirect or passive aggressive, I force them to say what they mean. I'm not naive about this approach. I am well aware that a person can say one thing and mean another. And I prepare for those outcomes as well. If i remain unemotionally invested, it prevents me from being disappointed or upset. I can always invest if it goes well. I am getting better at accepting positives. Sometimes, just hamstringing my excuses and saying thank you is all it takes. I haven't done emotional reasoning in a while. Overgeneralizing tends to fall in with all-or-nothing thinking. I do mind read a lot. I assume people think the worst of me. But once someone attains the friend status, I tend to be much more positive with my thoughts. I still assume people don't really like me, but I can always do better so they're more inclined to have positive interactions with me. If I give them good interactions, they're more inclined to at least be civil. Imperatives were a struggle in the past, but now that I understand why I freeze up at critical moments, I am much more accepting of those limitations. Until I can figure out how to work around them, they simply are what they are. Perhaps I will outgrow them, perhaps not.

[mental-dargon]

At this point, I have quite a few tools at my disposal. I can ground myself, I have containment, I have spare spaces, both physical and mental, I have healing allies... I think I should practice these things a bit more before I push any further. But I do have the tools I'll need. I'm almost ready, I think. I'm tired of hurting.

[mental-dargon]

Knowing I have an ally, even a fictional one, helps me feel stable. He's someone I can take with me wherever I may need him, and who knows what I need to hear. I lean on him almost constantly. Every once in a while, I can feel my own voice echoing nice things he's said and done for me. It's easier to feel confident when you have someone who thinks highly of you. At the same time, he's probably the only person I feel really comfortable opening up to. He won't judge or put me down. It also gives me a sense of control. I don't have to be afraid of him because I know he won't tear me down.

[mental-dargon]

My containment is a black lockbox. I have the only key to it. I notice a measurable drop in tension when I put a worry into the box. It feel a lot easier to manage knowing it's there for me to come back to when I'm ready. I think I should supplement this by jotting down what is in my box. I know I have poor memory, so it would be good to write it down so i can revisit it when I'm not actively worried about it.

[mental-dargon]

Even laying down, I retain tension in my legs and lower back. My right shoulder is tense, although that's probably because I've been in pain for a week or so. Laying like this feel like being supported. I don't have to worry about the bed shifting underneath me. It's stable, and it's not going anywhere. It makes me want to relax into it because I feel comfortable. I get this intense feeling in my chest, it feels like pain but maybe it's just a strong emotion I don't have a name for yet. It comes up whenever I start trying to feel loved or accepted. I don't know what it is.

[mental-dargon]

Realistically, the most comforting space in my home is the couch right now. My cats can join me, I can open doors if I feel comfortable, I have blankets to wrap up or burrow in, and I can turn on the TV or put in headphones if I need sound distractions. It's comfortable, too. I can crochet if my hands need something to do.

[mental-dargon]

I think I may already be doing some behavior replacement. Instead of sitting around, I've made space to clean and work on myself. I've taken up some new hobbies as well, so I have options instead of just sitting. But sometimes I still do like to sit and watch TV. It's nice to not have expectations.

[mental-dargon]

The idea of change is less scary right now, possibly because I've already done a fair bit of it. I've gone to the dentist and had all my problems fixed. I've changed how I interact with my coworkers, and noticed positive results already. Last night, two of them helped me with closing procedures and they indicated we could be friends. It was startling, and a lot less frightening than I thought it would be. There was no pressure to reveal things I wasn't comfortable with, from them or myself. There was also no obligation to actually take anyone up on the offer, which makes it feel more like my choice and not just someone trying to muscle in so they can take something from me. It may be that the offer is insincere, but that surprisingly isn't worrying either. Maybe it's because I have learned to do without for so long. I could also have simply been overwhelmed with all the work I had to do before leaving, so maybe I was just too distracted to really reflect on it. I suppose change isn't all bad. It feel less energy-consuming already. And now I can put that energy into things that actually matter.

[mental-dargon]

Blocking Beliefs: I can never get better./I'm not strong enough to get better. If I get better, I will lose a part of who I really am. I am afraid of what this change will bring. I am permanently damaged.

Accompanying Emotions: Sorrow. I know I can never fully heal. This is not a disorder one can completely shrug off. I will always bear the scars. Fear. I know nothing beyond my own suffering. The unknown is terrifying, especially when there is no guarantee that recovery will feel any better than suffering. Shame. It seems like every time I try to improve, I fall back on my old ways very quickly.

The shame is reminiscent of another time in my life. I was in my early teens, unable to change anything about my life. I have only unpleasant memories about this part. This part makes me feel like pushing it away. I don't want it to be here anymore when all it does it hold me back. But as soon as I express even the tiniest scraps of shame, it comes running back. ("Until It Sleeps", Metallica) Maybe this part just needs compassion. She was so little and so inexperienced. And with no one to guide her.... what choice did she have? I've been no better to her than my abusers were. She just needed some patience and understanding. I think she would be glad to know I've done much better for us now. We have better hygiene, and feel more comfortable in our skin. Nobody yells at her for not knowing anymore, because we have taken the time to learn things for ourselves. I am the adult in my life now, and I have the power to learn and grow, something that was virtually impossible as a child.

I feel like I can approach this more gently now. I just have to remember to be compassionate.