mental-quest

[mental-quest]

Neglect.

Ironic? Yes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv8onEy2Fzs

While this isn’t a new revelation, all the points in the video still hit home all the same. I’m gonna go through them one by one from my perspective. Maybe talking about my experience will help. Growing up, I was scolded numerous times for “acting out” and “being melodramatic”. On top of that, being raised male meant feeling emotions was seen as a weakness and was therefore punishable. So I bottled up my emotions best I could so I wouldn’t get hit any more. As a result, I have a hard time understanding and working with my emotions.

Others needs always came before mine, regardless of the situation. If my needs came first then I was being “selfish”, even if it was important. As a result, I people please obsessively even if it’s to my detriment. 

Identifying emotions is not impossible for me, but definitely a challenge. My feelings, like my needs, always came after others’ feelings and were considered less important. As a result, I have trouble making decisions and usually default to the path of least resistance even if it hurts me in the long run.

I definitely know something is broken in me, and was told that enough times growing up that I believe it. As a result, there’s a sharp divide between logic and emotion. Emotion feels left out.

Most of my life choices and actions were met with some form of criticism, unless they went with “the plan”. If the choices didn’t go with “the plan” they were to be criticized into obscurity. Perfectionism ran rampant in my house, and as a result, I have trouble committing to things unless I can get it perfect from the onset. I am now my own worst critic. 

Asking for help was also seen as a weakness, similar to emotions. Particularly being raised male didn’t help with me needing help and left me to fend for myself a lot. As a result, I am so self-reliant that I actively object help, even if I need it.

I didn’t have a great relationship with self-esteem to begin with, but I was constantly pitted against everyone around me. As a result, I don’t have faith in myself and I constantly compare myself to everyone around me and look down on myself.

I know there’s a lot of emptiness inside but there is something else there, and I’m working my hardest to foster that something and bring it out of the darkness. As a result, emotional regulation still is difficult. And tiring. 

I’m trying my best. That’s all I can do. 

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Letters from the Frontlines

Or lack thereof. 

We’re now four months into this quarantine and I’ve learned a few things about myself. Here’s ten:

1. Pronouns are definitely they/them, I’ve been trying to lean into my femme presenting side a bit more. I wanna start wearing more varied outfits. I also wanna lose some weight around the stomach area but during this tumultuous time in our history that might be harder than I think it is. 

2. My mental system’s defenses can get easily hijacked by fear. Fear can tell the defenses to shut everything down because it’s afraid, and thereby we shut down and dissociate until someone (another facet) flips more than the baseline switch. 

3. Cooking takes three spoons while showering takes only two. I only have seven spoons per day and five of them aren’t being used up by work anymore. It’s fantastic. 

4. That being said, it’s been easier for me to slip into those dissociative moments and into depression BECAUSE I’m not being productive enough by my own standards. If I were committed to staying home I’d pick up a hobby or something. Something productive to do and yet no, here you sit on the couch all day. Playing video games and watching the same videos over and over again what are you some kind of pathetic loser who doesn’t have any friends? You disgust me. I hope you choke on your own allergies. 

5. I can spiral into depression faster than I thought. 

6. I have to not pay attention to it otherwise I will clench my jaw and my gut will hurt from sucking it in subconsciously. 

7. That being said, I feel bloated and fat and out of shape and I don’t like it.

8. Until I broke the chain, the weekly walks my roommate and I would go on were actually pretty fun. I had a good time. I have to get back into that. Maybe I’ll go buy shoes tomorrow at Target. 

9, I am gonna break down when I hug someone other than my roommates I swear to god. I’m also probably gonna break down the next time I can see my family in person again. 

10. Despite all the things working against you, you’re still alive and that counts for something. You keep plugging away at it and you’ll make it out okay. Remember, grand scheme doesn’t matter. What you do in the moment in the place you are is what’s important. 

That’s not all but that’s all I’m gonna list for now.

TEN-derly, I remain; - Adrian

[mental-quest]

Difficulties

Hello there. It’s been a hot minute. This string of thoughts may seem unrelated to each other, and they might be. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently.

So during this quarantine, of which this is approximately day 60, I’ve had a lot of time to try to adjust and come to grips with some things, particularly in reference to my mental health. I’ve been off of work for two months now. I can’t imagine going back to working in retail after this whole thing is over. There’s been a lot to think about. One of the major things I’ve been thinking about lately is: “Who am I?”

I say that in the sense that I’ve had moments as of late where I will just sit and not do anything, not even scroll through my phone. I’ll check out of reality for an undetermined amount of time and phase back in when I feel it’s appropriate to do so.

Therapy has been interesting, we’ve been getting closer and closer to unlocking something that’s been affecting me since I was a teenager. I blacked out momentarily in therapy last week for approximately thirty minutes and spoke as a facet of my consciousness that regulates and controls when emotions get too hectic. This neutral, muted personality will usually step in when emotions get too high and shut the whole board off except for the switch that remains on as a constant, the humor switch. Though this time was different. It felt like the whole board had been shut off and this facet was in the spotlight and didn’t know how to react to that. More sessions like that will hopefully unlock something and allow me to work on improving those parts of myself that have such a tight grip on my psyche. 

These same parts are the ones who tell me not to do anything new or different because the outcome could be negative, and therefore I should stick to what I know will result in a net positive outcome. That has included staying with a job that I hate only because it’s comfortable. 

Now, logically I know that this method of thinking is a great way to get oneself stuck in a rut that’s hard to get out of. It’s irrational. That doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening though. Rationality isn’t enough to convince the emotional facet that trying new things is okay and we don’t have to keep watching the same shows or being stuck at the same job because it’s “comfortable”. 

Not being at work has been interesting to say the least. I’m finding things to do around the house, but I can only do one thing for so long before I get bored with it and move on to something else that’s been half-finished or I sit on my bed and/or my couch dissociating, mindlessly scrolling through my various social networks, tumblr included. 

I worry that I’m not finding enough ways to fill the time, but then I remember that it’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes. I’ve had the idea hammered into me that “If you’re not being productive you’re worthless”, and that I feel is what’s affecting a lot of people these days. Any level of productivity is better than none, even if it’s a small level. We don’t have to be super productive all the time. Enjoy the small moments of rest we get in between.

That being said, I know going back to the retail environment is not something I want to readily do. I hold no ill will with my current place of employ, they’ve treated me fairly well considering everything that’s going on. The consequence of not being at work for two months is that I’m not getting paid at all. Which is stressing me out to a bad degree. 

Intolerance of uncertainty and financial instability are two of my biggest stressors along with scheduling conflicts. The last two months have been a perfect storm of not knowing what the result of anything is going to be and worrying about my future. So it’s been a fun time for sure. 

I don’t know what the future holds right now. I’m hoping some things will change, and I’m hoping some things can stay the same. For right now, I have Animal Crossing as a buffer, and that’s helping. 

That’s all for now, - Adrian

[mental-quest]

Hello, Old Friend.

Several updates in this one. 

1. Psych appointment went better than expected, and I’m gonna be coming back to an old medication in conjunction with my Wellbutrin. I’m back on Prozac. I’m nervous, but optimistic. 

2. I’ve been walking more recently. I’m trying to do one walk a week now. If I find myself in need of going to Target or CVS, I know they are both approximately a mile and a half away. I can walk that. No need to get my car out. 

On these walks I’ve been able to clear my head a little bit. Think things through. Wonder about why I am the way I am. These dark thoughts I’ve been having lately, the questioning of my identity, wondering which me is the “real” me; it’s all going to be answered, I’m sure. The fact that I don’t know when it’ll be answered is what bugs me the most. 

That’s the OCD ticking that “intolerance of uncertainty” box. Then I have to find something to keep the intrusive thought quiet, right? Good news: I’m walking and listening to music. Two for the price of one. I’m focused on the route, and I start listening to the lyrics a little harder than I was before.

I’m sure there’s something to be said about music therapy in response to OCD triggers and compulsions, and I’m not the one to say it as I’m not a licensed therapist/psychiatrist. I’m just an actor who happens to like psychology. 

The dark days are more and more present, and the silver linings are few and far between, but when I find those linings, I cling to them as shreds of hope like one would hope their Garfield clings to the interior of the car window. 

It gets better. I know it gets better. 

Hoping for the best, I remain;

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Switches.

I came up with another fairly solid metaphor for my mental state today in therapy.

Someone or something is sitting at a light board. The light board has many light switches on it, and one switch permanently fixed to the ON position. The switch that’s always on is the default; the defense mechanism that is humor. The other switches are facets of my personality: My drive, my caring, my ambition, my various feelings, etc. The person behind the board monitors and controls which switches are active and which are not based on the situation at hand. The way I act around my family is different than how I act around my roommates, coworkers, what have you.

Here’s the kicker. Every time a switch is activated, a window in front of the board becomes clearer, revealing the person behind the board more and more. If too many switches are active, the being gets scared and shuts everything down, which brings the window back to an opaque state.

The mortifying ordeal of being known.

These switches are also developing distinct personalities of their own, even going ao far as to retaining their own memories or blocking out the capacity of memory for the other switches. There are things I remember that other parts of me don’t and vice versa.

I spent a lot of time in my therapy session today wondering if I was in fact being the “real” Adrian or whether or not my switchboard operator had some of the more sensitive switches turned on and others turned off.

It’s a process to work through, and we’re getting some forward momentum going and I’m all for that.

Psychiatry appointment today though, let’s see how that goes.

Cautiously optimistic, I remain;

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Fear (2)

I sat in bed for a long time this morning wanting to get up.

And I almost didn’t.

I stood in the bathroom for a long time wanting to get in the shower.

And I almost didn’t.

I’m sitting on the floor right now dreading the thought of going to work.

And I might not.

The fear is palpable. A coat that wraps itself around every fiber of my being and constricts itself in place, keeping me pinned down from whatever I’m doing or whatever I need to do.

And it tells me to die.

Still alive, I remain;

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Flake

I’m always worried about being considered a flake by others. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t usually say no to things so I tend to do a lot. Since I do a lot of things, it stands to reason I wouldn’t be considered a flake, right? 

WRONGO.

I’m my harshest critic, as we all hopefully know by this point (if not I’ll blog about it later, I won’t know until after I’ve posted this update as to whether or not I actually have talked about my sense of self-criticism), so naturally in the cases where I DO say no to plans with a friend who invited me somewhere, I immediately worry that I’m going to be seen in a negative light by them and never invited to anything anymore and they’ll tell all their friends and/or our mutual friends that I’m untrustworthy and I con’t go to things or socialize and to never invite me to do things. 

See how that spirals so quickly? Logically none of that makes sense as people who are understanding will be just that, and the people that aren’t understanding I don’t need in my life anyway because they’re not good people. 

However, I have to please everyone all the time and if I’m not accommodating in the slightest then I’m a failure and I don’t deserve happiness and have to go live in a cave and isolate myself from everyone else because I’m a selfish monster who only thinks for myself and never about anyone else’s needs.

Again, see how weird that sounds? That’s the ever-present dichotomy mulling around in my brain. “I shouldn’t feel bad” “Oh yes, but you should feel bad because you’re a garbage human being”. One side is very clearly in power over the other and it’s hard to wade through to get to some semblance of logic over emotion. 

I’ve opened a dam that I can’t close. I’m stuck under a rock I’m sitting on. 

Thoroughly tired, I remain; - Adrian

[mental-quest]

Melancholic Mornings

I’m having a contemplative morning today. I couldn’t decide between reading and writing so I’m writing instead of reading. Also my books are too far away from my bed to get to without getting up and I don’t want to get up right now. 

I’m lonely and yet I do nothing to fix that loneliness. i don’t invite people over because I don’t want to be a bother, and I remain despondent. 

It’s a seemingly never-ending cycle. I want to be alone but I don’t want to be alone. 

Paradoxically, I remain; - Adrian

[mental-quest]

Wellbutrinadventures -> mental-quest

Just in case people lose me, I realize now that it’s been a while since I switched antidepressants and this is more a blog to chronicle stuff about mental health than it is anything else.

[mental-quest]

Fear.

I’ve spent the last 30 minutes trying to type out this post but I worry it’ll come off the wrong way and sound stupid and so I close the window. 

[mental-quest]

Split (Not the movie)

Have to make the distinction that I’m not talking about the popular(?) movie by M. Night Shamalamadingdong Split (2016). 

It’s hard to talk about this, especially in the moment because I think it’s a stupid topic to talk about. But also it’s important to talk about. I need to get things out of my mind. 

I have some moments where I feel like I’m working with a different brain sometimes. I know I have memory issues, thanks to the myriad of mental disorders I’ve got running around in here. That being said, there are some things that I CAN remember, but given the right circumstances I haven’t the foggiest what the thing is I was trying to remember. My brain is like a wooden puzzle but someone threw away the instructions and half the pieces are missing. 

That’s why being gaslit is so infuriating to me because it’s like someone’s handing me a puzzle piece to a different puzzle and telling me it fits. Another problem is that given my memory issue, I can't be certain that what they’re handing me isn’t the wrong piece. It could very well be what fits there, I have no way of knowing because I have no way of remembering whether or not that’s the correct piece. When I find out that it’s the wrong piece, it’s frustrating because that means I have to take the puzzle apart and that usually results in me forgetting something because I got angry that someone handed me the wrong piece. 

The theory I have is that some memories are stored in the host brain, while others are stored in whichever facet happens to have control at the time. Alternatively, things get compartmentalized by the host brain and sent to the various facets where they’re left to be either processed or forgotten about completely until they get brought up because that’s how a lot of my PTSD works. Things get stored in places and forgotten about on purpose, so I can imagine that’s how some of my memories get stored. 

Wait what was the purpose of this post? Right. Multiple personas. 

I have a predisposition toward compartmentalizing and characterizing certain emotions and/or memories, and I feel that plays into this concept. Long ago, back in high school, I thought I had what was then called Multiple Personality Disorder. I was told by my therapist at the time that that wasn’t necessarily the case. She pointed to compartmentalizing and sharply leaned away from me having a mental disorder that serious. 

Though, there may have been something to that notion I had in high school. Since my father was an manipulative authoritarian psychopath who beat my sense of fear into me for as long as I knew him, I had a tendency to spend my time planning out whatever my next move was carefully, with regard to the idea that if I didn’t make the correct choice, I would be punished. I had no idea how deep this ran before, I well know now, as I have a difficult time picking out what to eat for dinner, much less figuring out what to do. 

Often I find myself standing still, weighing options and getting caught in the wheel of indecision. If the wheel goes on too long, my brain will default to shutting down and performing whatever the base function is at the time. In the case of food, it’s usually: “eat something you know how to make” or in the case of entertainment it’s usually: “play a game you’re familiar with, or watch something you’ve seen before. Those things never get old.” I beg to differ. The other part of my brain that wants to try something new is yearning for a new form of entertainment and it’s usually why I get bored about halfway through whatever I’m doing and have to switch to a new form of media. 

The stereotype usually falls on this being the cause of two warring factions of the brain, but I think the split runs deeper than that. I maintain that there are more than two factors at play at any given time. It’s not just the yearning and the muting, it’s also the downer emotions of frustration, guilt, anger, sadness, remorse; and the upper emotions of excitement, joy, and frivolity. These all compartmentalize themselves into a number of places. Time was, I used to think there were 5 differing personalities at work in my head at once. The Host, the Conscience, the Outlet, the Downer, and the Inner Child. I haven’t strayed too far from that way of thinking, but I think there’s a sixth one at play. 

The sixth one being the Fear. The fear that anything outside of basic function can lead to failure. It’s what keeps me from looking for a new job even though I know I’d probably be happier doing something else with my time. It’s what keeps me from talking to new people because I’ve been hurt before and don’t want to get hurt again. It’s what keeps me from trying anything new because if I do, it could result in disaster and therefore abject failure. 

Fear is the one sitting on the rock that I’ve talked about in the past. Fear keeps me “safe” but at the same time it does damage it doesn’t know it’s doing. I keep telling the fear that it’s okay, it can get off the rock but it won’t budge, insisting that if it does get off the rock, who knows what could happen? 

Therein lies the true antagonist of the split. I know fear is natural and instinctual, and yes, to some degree it’s next to impossible to live a life without fear. There are some types of fear though that REALLY start to weigh on you after a bit, especially if you haven’t been aware of their presence and effect until recently. 

Keeping things together, I remain;  - Adrian

[mental-quest]

Return to Form

I’ve been AWOL for longer than anticipated. I had my appendix taken out last month, and I’ve been off of work since then. I’ve been trying to keep myself sane but it gets hard to do when you are unsure of your fate.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of tough subjects lately, my own mortality notwithstanding. Money is getting harder to come by, my job is at stake, my gut hurts because they cut into my muscle, and everything in the rest of the world (which I know I shouldn’t be worried about) is going to hell in a hand basket and the uncertainty factor is really playing into everything having a bleak outlook.

On the other side of the same coin, a lot of things have an air of “Fuck it, life is short.” to them. Talking to people I never would talk to, doing things I would never think of doing. 

It’s weird being split this way. The part of me that’s wanting to explore and experiment is being stifled by the part that’s hopeless, and they’re in constant combat. It’s exhausting and I end up defaulting to nothing or doing something small that’s different than the normal, but nothing too extreme.

I maintain routine and yet want to break the pattern. I keep going but want to stop. The worst thing about it is, I know I want more than what I’ve got going on right now, and the only thing stopping me is myself. My own limitations. My own baseline. I’m doing what’s required of me and that’s enough for my brain. It’s stifling but at the same time it’s understandable. I shouldn’t overexert myself. I shouldn’t do more than what’s required of me, and yet I want more than what’s advertised. 

Keeping up appearances, I remain; - Adrian

[mental-quest]

Vent post

You can’t expect people to grow and not give them room to do so.

I had another recurring trauma incident tonight. It’s hard to explain but it’s tied to my crippling fear of abandonment. I worry that I am not entertaining or fun to be around in this state that I’m in. All I do worry about is stuff I can’t control. I can’t very well change the past but it’s not comforting to know that any action I take could be met with complete removal with no rhyme or justifiable reason.

I’m so tired of it all. I just want to end it.

Until I’m different, I remain;

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Journey.

I have been on a pretty arduous journey over the past two or three years in dealing with and suffering from slightly more agitated mental disorders.

First of all, I know for a fact I’m not helpless and/or incapable of changing my life to be better for me. I know I’m more than capable of finding a new job, maybe focusing more on my career, getting that kickstarted. That’s not an issue. The issue is that my brain has a nasty tendency to react negatively to change because it’s comfortable. The person sitting on the rock doesn’t want to move off of the rock because it’s comfortable up there, but that person doesn’t see the damage being done to the person trapped underneath the rock. 

I’m stifled creatively, my job is going nowhere fast and is frustrating me by the minute, and nothing about that is changing. Why? Because it’s comfortable and it’s working. It’s working ENOUGH that my brain, when faced with the idea that I want to change things says to itself: “Why fix what isn’t broken?”

Except it is broken. It’s so broken that it continues to break and crumble. I want out of the retail life, I want to be doing something meaningful and good in the world, and I want to be able to enjoy living, because I sure as heck don’t right now. 

And here’s the problem with that: I’ve got a lot to be thankful for! I’m alive, healthy, living with good friends, in a city, out on my own. What more could I ask for?

I could be happier with my job, I could be doing art more, I could be actually focusing on my career instead of just doing the same shit day in and day out. I want to be more than this, but I can’t get out from under the rock. 

Existence has become a chore, much to my dismay. 

Sweeping up the pieces, I remain;

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Return to Form

Hello. It’s been a hot minute.

So over the past month or two I’ve discovered that my psychiatrist isn’t good at doing her job, my ferrous sulfate and vitamin D levels are low enough that I need to start taking medicine to regulate them, I’m moving again soon, my depression has gotten worse and I’ve applied a different metaphor to my mental state, and my job is straining me too thin to even want to do anything which is the point of capitalism I guess. 

Lemme slow some of that down.

My last psychiatrist appointment didn’t go well. It felt to me like she wasn’t listening to what I was saying and insisting that I was “in control” when I was telling her outright that in some cases I’m very much not in control. So that’s a fun thing that’s happening and I’m now looking for a second opinion asap. 

I took a blood test to figure out if the Levothyroxine was working and it is, but we also found out that my ferrous sulfate and vitamin D levels were lower than what they needed to be. So I’m on medication to fix THAT too, which is fun.

Moving again to a bigger apartment with a friend of ours, so we have more space and I’m not just living in a living room with a wall made of bookshelves. 

In reference to the new metaphor, it’s like the defensive part of my brain has put a rock on the ambitious part of my brain and is sitting on said rock so my defensive part can’t see or feel the hurt it’s causing my ambitious part. It knows how to adapt and let out what needs to be let out for the given circumstances, but once we’re done being what we need to be, we return to form. 

I understand the need for a little vacation every now and again. I’m super tired and strung out and going to work makes me sick just thinking about it. I had to take three days off just because there was a lot of life stuff going on and I didn’t have the time for that AND work. Even now I’m falling asleep on the couch because I’m so unbelievably exhausted. Work is keeping me adequately suppressed which frustrates the ambitious logical side of my brain. It wants to do more but it can’t because work is suffocating it. Or rather, work is helping to suffocate the ambition by feeding the person sitting on the rock.

I have come into my own as an adult and yet I haven’t. I still maintain the same defenses I had as a child. That’s how trauma works, yes, but I want it to not do that.

Fighting my own battles, I remain:

- Adrian

[mental-quest]

Exhausted.

I can’t muster up any more defenses. I’m tired.

I can’t pretend like I don’t care about the world. I’m too exhausted.

I can’t pretend that my workplace isn’t toxic anymore. It’s not worth the effort.

I only have so much capacity for things like this, and I’ve hit my limit. Regardless of how hard I fight it, my heart hurts and I’m exhausted.

The cycle will repeat itself. Shooting -> mourning -> discussion? -> nothing happens -> cycle begins again.

We have to stop it now. I’ve been hurting for five years, I can only imagine how long people from Columbine or Sandy Hook have been hurting.

That’s all for now.

[mental-quest]

Father’s Day

Father’s Day is a holiday I tend to forget about for obvious reasons. Though I say tend to, it’s more like try to. The barrage of reminders through emails, advertisements, and even being outside can be a bit daunting especially when your father is an abusive narcissistic psychopath.

The amount of things I learned from my dad that were positive vastly outweigh the negative ones. Looking back on my life pre 2007 it was structured, yet not at the same time. I like to think of it as a chain link fence. Sturdy, but it can bend if needed. He lived vicariously through my brother and I, moreso me than him. He had failed dreams of being in a professional choir, and we were just the vessels to relive that dream through.

When he wasn’t in his office on his computer or sleeping, he was doing something with us that he didn’t get the chance to when he was growing up. Not in a fun “let’s experience this together” kind of way, more like a “you get to have the experience for me since I didn’t have it” kind of way. At least that’s how it felt.

My dad was arrested on March 7th, 2007 on charges of child molestation to which he plead guilty. We were on our way out the door to a rehearsal for a show I was in, I heard a knock on the door, and two men and a cop were standing there asking for him. I watched them put my dad in the backseat of the cop car while I was driven to rehearsal by the other two men who were detectives, I wagered. I had no idea what was going on and didn’t until that same night when we all got a phone call saying he had been arrested.

That moment in time is forever fixed as a turning point for my entire family. It changed our lives for good. Not necessarily for the better, but definitely changed. We all had developed a very significant and powerful fear of abandonment which intensified after he was arrested. He was mean, sure, but at the time I didn’t think he was much more than mean. I didn’t know better. Thinking back I can definitely see signs of this behavior in him.

My mental health issues all stem from my upbringing, which was dominantly facilitated by my father. He was very much in control of how we were raised and what we were allowed to do. He believed in negative punishment rather than negative reinforcement. At least with the latter there’s a warning or two before you’re punished. Because of this I worry constantly that the decision or action I take is the wrong one and will be punished. I don’t know how I would be administered said punishment but I know deep down it’s coming sometime.

My dad was not a good dad. He wasn’t what some would consider the worst, but he was certainly up there in terms of bad. I’m fairly certain if I had been born a girl I would definitely have been the one molested by him. I’ve cut as many ties as I can to that side of the family so I can afford some peace. He ruined our lives catastrophically and hasn’t shown many if any signs of remorse.

This is why father’s day is difficult for me. I can’t think too hard about anything otherwise everything comes flooding back because of the trauma I’ve experienced. So forgive me if I don’t wish you a happy father’s day, that’s kind of a loaded greeting in my house.

Feeling fine, I remain;

- Adrian