mentalanalyzer

[mentalanalyzer]

A leaf gently bouncing in the tempest

There we were, cup in hand, maroon stained tea, and she asks me who I am. And its funny, because I honestly don't know. I feel like a pile of autumn leaves, scattered individual fragments raked in one pile. I know who I can be, who I want to be, what I want to be, and I know aspects of who I am. But the entirety? The individual? I don't know, and I'm tired of trying to define it. I just am, I just flow, directionless? No. There is a breeze, but its tumultuous, blowing in all directions and none all at the same time. Sometimes moving, only to realize I'm frozen, sometimes frozen only to realize how far I've come. But what was learned from the journey? What was gained? Like a rock in a river flowing downstream deposited on a riverbed, but no purpose. No reason to be in that place, it just....is. And during a heavy rain, it will be carried further down stream to be deposited somewhere else. Yet its nature hasn't changed, both in the time it stayed, and the time it moved. Erosion slowly destroying what remains, piece by piece.

Such is who I am. A leaf, gently bouncing in the tempest of the storm. I don't know, I don't care. I only know of what is, and what I want there to be. I leave the definitions up to you, for I'm tired of trying to find the right words. I just want to relax now.

Maybe one day I'll look back, and realize it's just not that deep, it just never really mattered. It was all going to work out in the end either way, no matter what I thought or tried. If only I could gain the experience and knowledge without the effort and time.

[mentalanalyzer]

Absurdism

There has been something that has weighed heavy on my mind, for awhile (a looong while). I haven't been able to properly formulate it I'd say, until now.

I have always believed, nothing matters. This is a matter of fact, objective. There is no denying there is no grander/deeper meaning. Only ego, narcissim, would enable one to think they are above that. I choose to be religious, and hope it is real, but on an intuitive/logical/deductive level, it has no basis in reality. Absurd to think your religion is the right one, that any religion is the right one, that God out of all these planets, species, galaxies, hell maybe universes cares about this one, or even more specifically, you and your troubles.

Yet....this is not to mean things don't matter. They do, the world we live in, the now. Just because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, it doesn't mean it doesn't matter in the immediate. It's not an excuse to do nothing. So what does one do? Well if nothing else matters....then why not choose love, kindness, compassion, patience. These are the virtues I believe in, this is what I believe matters.

....So why can't I do it, why can't I be these things.

I thought, perhaps an excuse, a cope. It was the way the world is. While I'd like to be this way, I need to protect myself, I need to work within its confines. In my heart, my morals, my efforts, I will believe in my philosophy and practice it, but temper it. Temper it with all the negativities required to succeed in this world. It's not my fault, just the way the world works. It's not that I can't be these things then, it's that I choose not to.

And that's what's been on my mind. For all my cope, excuses, lies. I cannot lie to myself. I can't believe my own bullshit, I wish I could. I haven't had the right words to put to what the problem was, but now I do. It's not a choice, it's not that you need these things to work. No. Rather, I am not in control, I am being controlled. I have not risen above and use the negativity as a tool, the negativity uses me as a tool. I have succumbed to the world they made, to weak to fight and maintain my morals. My actions are not a reflection of a concerted effort and strategy to succeed, they are a reflection of my inability to fight the negativity in the world.

Why can't I be these things?

Because I'm not strong enough. It's as simple as that. I am a product of this world, and I wish I could be. I wish I could rise above it all, I wish I could practice what I preach, I wish I could feel it, think it, be it. I know it is consciously right....but my subconscious, my internal being shaped by the world I live, that does not believe so.

Change....something I am incapable of. But I guess, well this blog is for honesty. I may not be capable of it, but I will never stop trying to be it. Trying to be better, trying to be what/who I want to be. And while I may never succeed, and that will always always bother me and upset me. I do find some solace in it. I may always be losing in this struggle against the world and its negativity, but that doesn't mean I won't continue to fight it. Some solace in that no matter what, I won't give up trying.

[mentalanalyzer]

A thought to store for a later time

There seems to be a dichotomy that I find interesting people have difficulty understanding. The statement "nothing matters" isn't some im14andthisisdeep ideology, but rather an observation of the inconsequential nature of one's existence. All your thoughts, ideologies, and actions are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. You are a droplet in the ocean, a grain of sand in the desert. Whatever you choose to do or think, means nothing. It doesn't matter. Be sad, don't be sad. Be happy, don't be happy. What difference does it make? The world will continue to do what it always does, with or without u. The sun will still rise the next day. But this is not supposed to be depressing or nihilistic, rather the opposite, it is supposed to be comforting. The stuff you thought was big, those issues u balloon, in this respective, it's not that big of a deal, it doesn't matter. You can rest assured, your concerns are insignificant. It doesn't matter. So why stress? Why be unhappy? Why make such a big deal of such small things? This of course is not to treat everything as insignificant, but provide focus and perspective on what really matters. What's really important to get upset over in one's life, and to learn to enjoy the little things because that's truly what they are...little.  While this inconsequential existence may be easy to understand and accept, the conflict I often see comes with understanding the opposite. Inconsequence, is not an excuse to be indifferent or inaction. Pre-destined fate, is not an excuse to do nothing. You know you will eventually die, yet u still choose to live. It's important to note the actions while insignificant, must still be taken. Efforts no matter how small, must be attempted. A small pebble may result in a huge landslide. We may not see the fruits of our labors now, we may never even realize our efforts were what resulted in the massive change we see, but they did make a difference. This is the paradox that I have seen people be puzzled by. To do something, even though it means nothing. But a philosophy may not be purely black and white, and in fact many shades of Grey that one may cherry pick to give happiness and meaning in their life, or find the answers within. To not stress the little things, but still try to make a difference and fix things. To realize it should still be done, even if it doesn't matter. The course of the life of a droplet of water, is insignificant to the flow of the river and ocean. Yet that droplet may quench the thirst of the animal that drinks. Yet the existence and thirst of that animal is insignificant to the context of the life of the forest. Yet that animal will become food for another, or upon its death it will become food for the plants and trees. This is how I try to live my life, like a leaf blowing in the wind. The inconsequence of the direction it blows, or my existence within it. Yet always trying to help and do better along the way. Trying to do my part every step of the way. And if this is not the very foundation of religion, then idk what is. There is no valid argument or proof of the existence of anything beyond our physical plane. No rhetoric that can hold up to any deductive analysis or experimentation. I have looked for God within the world, and seen nothing of beauty except an indifferent God at best. I have looked within the books and seen nothing but the psychology of humanity at play. Your "experiences" and "proofs" are justifications to your belief, as if faith requires some type of "evidence" to be valid. And yet I believe anyways. I see the beauty within it, despite lacking the ability to truly understand it. I do my best to adhere, to follow the God, in which I hold for literally zero reason, to be true. Is this not the exact same as the above philosophy. To do something despite knowing the futility of it? To live and try your hardest, despite the knowledge of its Inconsequence? I think many religious people don't realize they live this exact philosophy, which is y i find it interesting its hard for them to understand and accept it when it is applied to concepts beyond theology (the rejection of religion and rise in "spirituality" is exactly this).

[mentalanalyzer]

Fuck a title

I don’t understand. It’s been what, a week, 2 weeks? I’ve moved on, I’m trying to live my life and be happy, but I don’t get it. It’s like my subconscious just won’t let go. I’ll be chilling watching a funny video, getting ready for bed, and somewhere in the deepest corner of my mind, she’ll just pop up again. Not even the memories, just her. In my dreams, I’ll see her everywhere. Like a ghost, a shadow. It’s been months, I’m tired, I wanna move on, but somewhere in my mind, it just won’t let go. One wonders how long I must endure these memories, these visions, these flashes of depression. When will I be free to move on and live my life again. 

[mentalanalyzer]

A new land, a new day

I've been traveling across hills and valleys, covered in a thick blanket fog. A lantern to light my way, but it's light only reaches beyond the extent of my hand. It's been so long, it's felt like a day dream. And now the fog has finally lifted, and I find myself in new lands. Reality washes over like fresh ice melt. I find the sun too bright, I cannot see, the land to rugged, I cannot walk, and languages with words being spoken, I haven't heard in a long time. But I"m finally free. My eyes will adjust, my legs will learn to walk the land, and these languages and words I will remember once again. Hopefully, this new land receives me better than the old

[mentalanalyzer]

.

No I'm sorry....I'm not done yet. There is more.

I want to be more, I want to be somebody. I want to matter. I want to be important. I want to feel vindicated. I want to contribute. I want ***it*** to matter. I want it to mean something.

Words that are often said, but not understood. Being insignificant. All you do, just a drop in the ocean. Your name remembered by no one, not even if your friends or family. You are nothing, nobody. No personality, no characteristics, nobody important. No meaning, no value. You speak, and no one listens. You talk and no one hears. You want, but no one cares. All you give, becomes nothing. Great names and contributions to this world, by people all over the world. I don't have to be great, I just want to be something. I don't need to be known, I just want to know I contributed. That my existence, meant something. Because I am nothing, I am nobody. My personality meaningless. And...you have done this.

You don't care, nobody does. Society doesn't care about each other. You don't care about your friends. Yeah you'll be sad if they're gone tomorrow, and you'll have moments of sadness and grief from time to time as you remember them in passing, but you will continue. The world will continue. People don't care about you when you're living, and even in the brief moment that they care about you when you're dead...it is just that, the brief moment. For just one second, you became something important, and now that moment is gone. And you are just another name. Except....the dead have the peace of not knowing that, not having to worry about that anymore. The living, live with the truth. The truth they live day to day, seeing the empty smiles in the grocery stores and on the street. They don't mean anything, I don't want friendliness and cordiality...I just don't want to be alone. I just want it all to mean something.

[mentalanalyzer]

loneliness

So much to say...where does one even start.  When you’re in love, when you’re blind to yourself and your problems. There is a lot you don’t see, a lot you don’t feel. Insecurities, internal complications, shortcomings within ones existence and personality. You are gratified, validated, secure and safe. You are....happy, and happiness is a powerful drug. One that blinds you, sedates you, lulls you. And when it is gone....then your eyes are opened.  It is not her fault, these are complications of my own existence. Properties of my innate internal being. Perhaps “only human” characteristics, but I’m not in the heads of others, so I will perceive this as only my own.  I am, and have always been lonely. Mentally. I have surrounded myself with illusions, with people who would want me for money or more, made myself a center piece in a supply chain, part of a crew. I had given myself illusion of grandeur, make myself more than who I truly am. I never wanted any of that, I just didn’t want to be alone anymore. And then I met someone who would give that to me. And I was good, but then that didn’t work out. And I was lone again. But....I never felt alone, because someone else came right around the corner. I may have been single that entire year, but I was never alone. I had both her and my ex. But...now? Now I have no one. 

But it’s more than that, much much more. They just don’t get me. Emotionally, psychologically, physically. They don’t get me to my core. They don’t understand how I function or how I feel, they don’t understand the insecurities I feel, the shortcomings I think I have. They just don’t know who I am deep down. Maybe they believe the illusion I can’t, the illusion I try to believe to make me feel better. But it doesn’t help. I try to accept lonliness as a fact of life but....it’s not them, it’s me. I see people can connect, I see people can get along together, they understand each other, they are there for each other. But...not me. I can’t connect with them, I can’t understand them. We could be standing side by side, but deep down, we are light years apart. I cannot FEEL them, and they cannot FEEL me. And that’s just what I want....a hug, from someone who gets it. Just a hug from someone who FEELs like I do. Who understands these insecurities like I do. That at least, I’m not alone in my suffering. Just some confirmation, some validation....that I am more...that I am valid....that I am wanted. 

I lack the words to explain how I feel, so I will plagarize the scene that got me to this point, that broke my core. 

“They should love me, maybe they do. But I don’t even know what it is. You spend your whole life thinking your not getting it, people aren’t giving it to you. But then you realize, they’re trying, and you don’t even realize what it is. I had a dream I was on a shelf in the refrigerator, someone closes the door and the light goes off. And I know everybody is out there eating. And then, they open the door, and you see them smiling. And they’re happy to see you, but maybe they don’t look right at you, maybe they don’t pick you. And then the door closes again, the light goes off. “ And then he starts to laugh and cry at the same time. That’s why I laugh, because its all I can do. Because the situation is so funny in a fucked up kind of way. That this is life, this is it. So deeply impacted by something so meaningless. That you have no value, that it means nothing. And yet here you are, feeling like the world is ending, but knowing that this little incident, means nothing to the world. So you laugh at the absurdity of it, and cry at the impact of it.  And then he is hugged....comforted, by someone who gets it. That despite the absurdity of it all, the lonliness of it all, the meaningless of it all....you’re not alone. Your feelings are validated. It’s okay. We are both meaningless. We are both losers with nothing to give, nothing to be. No reason to exist, no purpose to life. But it’s okay....and that hug....is that okay. Not that you know the truth, no...the knowledge of the truth is where the pain comes from. No....the hug is that you accept the truth. It still hurts, it always will. But at least....you’re not alone. And goddamn I want that hug so badly. I don’t want her back, I don’t want love. I don’t want people to care for me and give me attention. Goddamn, I just want that hug. 

[mentalanalyzer]

I can’t

This blog is a place where I post my mental thoughts. Todays is a simple one. 

I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

[mentalanalyzer]

Re-evaluation and Change

If there is one trait that I find most important in myself, that I am most proud of in myself, that I am most thankful for, it is the ability to always evaluate myself and my actions, putting aside emotion, and change/correct myself as need be. I find this to be the utmost important skill one should have. The capacity to identify the problem within oneself, and correct it.  A persons character, is a kalaedscope of personalities. Each from one part of the genetics and past. Unresolved previous trauma, may make one insecure and afraid. An upbringing of oppression, may make one angry or submissive. A genetic imposition of ignorance and arrogance of ones ego. As one grows, these personalities morph and change, and one day, they may be set in stone....but today is not that day.  While we cannot change who we are, we can....adjust who we are. It’s not easy, and often self-reflection is useless, and the evaluation is given from the outside. Thus, one must first have the ear to hear it, the eye to percieve their own faults, and the will to correct it. Luckily I have 2/3, and now I see. A part of me, that I have intentionally kept, a part of me that never evolved since my teens. I think this part of my personality gives great character, and thus I see no need to remove it, but....taken too far...it becomes an annoyance, a hinderance, a disability. I have often lightly controlled it, for I find great enjoyment in it...but how can it be enjoyment...if it is the detriment of others. And that is now what I see.  And thus it is so, a chapter in this book that is me, must be....adjusted. A part of me that I have refused to touch for over 10 years. The negativity, trolling, pessimism, criticism...that dominates a large part of my personality, will have to change if I wish to continue.  

[mentalanalyzer]

Self Image

Who is someone in the eyes of God? In the eyes of that individual? In the eyes of family? Friends? Strangers? Is it who someone truly is, who someone wants to be? A mask they wear for others? Maybe a mask they wear for themselves?

For years, I used to wear a mask. Trying to be someone I was not. For years I created an image, and thrived off the benefits of that image. Some of it was for attention, some of it was for love, some of it was for money, women, drugs, etc. A face designed to appeal to all, to show a character that was fine tuned for success...but not my true face. This was a conscious choice, delibrate design. And then, I realized it was time to end the facade. I was living a lie, and I wanted to start anew. I wanted a clean slate, a fresh start, I wanted to start showing people who I truly was...

And I thought I did, but I can see now,  I simply replaced that old mask with a new one. One that is naturally more in line with who I truly am, but still...an image. Still not the complete picture, still filtered, designed to only show the positive attributes. This one was subconscious because deep down, I have a serious problem, deep down, I cannot truly be who I am (in front of others). I don’t know why, like there is just this image i have in their eyes, and its like by some weird strings of nature, I must fit the mold, it just feels weird for me not to fit that mold that was created for me. I don’t feel comfortable breaking it. As strange as it feels, I just don’t feel comfortable being me in front others (I have no issues being me alone). 

E.G.

I don’t drink in front of my family. It used to be because of my shame from my past, but now? Its just who I am, I just don’t drink. There is nothing wrong with having a beer or two, but I just don’t. I don’t want my family to see me lose control, to not be...me? Calm, collected, concise. Drunk me is stupid, loose, laughs at random things. Not that there is nothing wrong with any of that, but rather, it is not the image my family has of me, and I can’t break that. As if I am stuck in this mold, and mentally incapable of breaking out of it. 

But who I am in their eyes, is not the complete me. 

We all have an image we put on, sometimes its for work. You go in, put your smile on, the friendly tone, and act like you like your job. Except, my image, my mask, it isn’t just for work, its for life. Its for friends, family, coworkers and strangers, its for the world. And I really don’t know how to just be comfortable showing...the real me. 

[mentalanalyzer]

I’ll go one step further. These cookies are better than traditional cookies. 

[mentalanalyzer]

What is the right way to love? What is the wrong way to love?

I asked myself a few weeks back, about my fear to love. About my fear of not knowing, of not understand, of being afraid of picking the wrong choice. 

This is an extension of that thought, a step further, maybe a step deeper, in my history of love. 

I loved once, long ago, not the love of today, but the love of movies, of fantasy and romance, of novels and dreams. It was an infatuation. An individual, I couldn’t get out of my head and heart, a virus that plagued my entire existence. This love had no reasoning, no justifications, no understanding. It was only a feeling. I would say I didn’t even know this person, I had no reason to love them. I just...did. These differences in ideologies tore me to pieces, and the loss of ones love broke me to my core. It took years for me to understand and rebuild, to move on. To this day, the thought of this person still makes me...uneasy. I don’t even know this person to be honest, I have no idea why I feel what I feel for them. This doesn’t mean you can’t move on, and love someone else though, which is what I have done with my life. 

But I learned, these emotions need a check, they need control. I will not be broken any longer, I will not be hurt. I will love, care for, and enjoy my time with someone, I will have reasons why I am with them, why I want them. I will love them for who they are. But....then the question arises, why do I not feel what I felt then?

I think...I may understand now. It is fear. Because I have no control over that kind of love, that kind of love leaves me at the whim of the individual. That kind of love leaves me trapped. It is irrational, and I have little to no control over that kind of love. Can I feel it again with someone else? I honestly don’t know, but I do believe the reason I don’t feel it, is because i don’t let myself feel it. I just don’t let go. I always keep a tight lid, strict control, always steadfast with my reasoning. 

But this isn’t the problem, this something I can understand and control. No. The problem is...should I relinquish control. Should I feel that love of loves. Should I let myself go head over heels, set my entire life to a person. And if so, when? I am man enough to admit, I’m afraid to do so. I’m afraid to get hurt. I’ve had another serious relationship after that first love, and while the breakup hurt, I did not break. But that’s also because I never let that control go. I never became dependent, obsessed, quote unquote “in love”. It is not a question of whether such love exists, but whether such love should exist. That whether such love is something i should enable myself to feel. And not just for me, but for the other in my life. The dependency, the obsession, is this something they feel? Will it become annoying? Will it be detrimental or helpful to our relationship? Is the honeymoon glory phase and feelings required? Helpful? Needed? Wanted? 

How does one love? What is the right answer? Honestly, the fact that I feel I need to ask these questions just upsets me. I just want to be happy. I just want it to work out. I’m so exhausted of always living my life afraid of making the wrong choice, of always trying to find the right answer. I already do that as a career, I don’t want to do that as a lifestyle. And the worst part is...I know there is no answer, I know no one can help. I know one just needs to take a leap of faith, to just hope it works out. To live ones life the best they can, and hope for the best. To relinquish control to fate and chance. To risk being broken. 

I could live my whole life in this controlled fashion, always safe, and I”ll be happy, I’ll be content. But is this the right way to live? Its like taking drugs, drugs make you ecstatic, they make you in fantasy land, they make you happy. But they say that is not the right way to live. Is infatuation, falling head over heels in love, is that not the right way to live? I don’t have these answers, and as a result, that scares me, and thus, I don’t know if I should relinquish that control. 

[mentalanalyzer]

Self Reflection: Fear of Relationships

Something I’ve been thinking of lately, a problem I’ve had, for a long time. A deep fear inside me, maybe an insecurity, grown out of control into over-caution to the point of self sabotage. 

I am not afraid of dying alone. I am not afraid of being single. I am not afraid of commitment, I am not afraid of spending the rest of my life with someone, having children or no children, etc. I am afraid...of wasting my life. Picking the wrong person. Being unhappy. Raising children in an unhappy environment. I would rather be single and die alone, than ever do any of the above. 

So many opinions, so many ideals, anecdotal evidence, books, experiences, philosophy...but no answers. There is no right choice, there is no way to know a person is the one for you. Is it you the problem? Are they the problem? Is there no problem and your insecurities just creating artificial problems? Gotta scramble a few eggs to make an omelete? Opposites attract? Common red flags? True love at first sight? Too many ideas and opinions, with no real answers, all blanketed by fear. And that’s what scares me, there is no answer. No truth. You can’t know, not for certain. And that....that scares me. 

I don’t live my life in fear, caution yes, but not fear. But... I don’t think this is caution anymore. X number of years dating, y number of years living with them. Gotta vacation with them first, get to know their opinion on everything inside and out. And even still...I question. Even still...I wonder. What will it take, when will I know? This isn’t caution anymore, this is fear. The fear that I will make the wrong decision, the fear that I’ll live my life unhappily with someone. The fear that I”ll waste my life making the wrong choice, a mistake. 

Truth be told, there are many times, where I just stare out the window, or stare into the heavens. Looking for answers, wondering if I’m making the right choices, if I’m doing the right things. Begging for an answer, some insight, some relief. But I know it will never come, you can’t predict the future, you’ll never know until it happens. You won’t know if the person you’re with will be happy/unhappy with you until they are, you yourself won’t know if you are happy with them or not until the day you aren’t. You can try to do everything in your power to predict that, predict who they are, who they might become...but at the end of the day you can’t. 

I try to push it away, I try to qwell it, to not let it control me or my actions...but I honestly don’t know how. I’m also afraid this fear will make me make the wrong decision, push away the person that is right for me. And I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry for making things harder than they have to be, I’m sorry for pushing you away, I”m sorry for questioning, for doubting. I’m sorry for letting my insecurities cause difficulties for you. 

[mentalanalyzer]

The violence, the purge, the natural human condition

I’ve been meaning to make a post about these past events for sometime. I don’t know why I always write these at 1 in the morning, bad habit. This is going to be a looong post. A journey, through who I am, and my core values. 

What is the innate human condition? Are we born good, and learn evil acts? Are we a blank slate that can be both good and evil? Are we inherently evil, and must go against our own nature to be good? To continue further, we must first define the term...evil. Evil in this case means to be violent, barbaric, led by rage/violence/hatred. This is difficult to answer, since we are influenced so much by our surroundings. And a baby does not have the capabilities to act with purpose. However, if one to were look at the primitive man, without society and their standards of morals/ethics. And thus, a perfect representation of the innate human condition. One could argue then we are inherently violent. We kill to eat and survive, kill other humans for mating rights, and constantly fight for power. This is how we have always been throughout time and history. Yet...I would argue this is not a good representation of the innate human condition. Because even the primitive man, is molded by his surroundings. We learn to kill and fight, to dominate through power. All to survive. This is what we have learned, this is what succeeds. This is what we must do to live. You kill the animals, to eat and to prevent them from eating you. You kill your fellow man, to prevent them from killing you. This is what we have grown up to learn....to be. That being said then, the argument could be that man has evolved through countless years to be this way. Since this is the way it takes to survive in the world. That we respond only to power and violence. 

Ah, but if we proceed into the modern time, the 21st century, we see a new side of man. When a child has no need to fend for themself to survive, when the food is given to them. Then they have no need to kill, no need for conflict. If they are brought up in a peaceful and loving environment, then the child no longer responds with violence and force. If it was the innate human condition to be violent, then regardless of the upbringing and environment, we should be violent. But this is not the case. Then perhaps the argument can be made that we are a blank slate.  But there is one other characteristic I’d like to bring to attention. The cooperation of the primitive man. His ability to love and have compassion. His desire to work with others, to live amongst others. Now you could argue this is for survival reasons, we are embedded to work together. But regardless, it shows that we are peaceful by default, when the need for violence is not present. Thus I would argue, that we are in fact born good, inherently, intrinsically, peaceful and loving. It is only the harshness and cruelty of the world that has made us into violent and forceful creatures.  Now what does all this have to do with the protests? Because everyone is looking at the whys, the hows, and what needs to be done. But everyone is removing the human element. The most important element. Why do we protest? Why must it be violent? And why do we respond to violence and force? These are issues everyone dances around, but no one answers.  Experience has taught us, while non-violent protests can work, it is only when you have violent protests that shit gets done, that people listen. If we use the BLM movement specifically in recent years, you can see this to be evident. It is through violent revolutions, in which powers shift and shit gets done. But why? Why is it this way? Well if you look at the above, you can see now, we respond to violence and force, because our world, and by extension its people, work by violence and force. When you are raised and see that only through these tactics do people listen to you, that change happens. Then inherently, this is the only thing you will listen to, the only thing you will respond to. We are a product of our environment, and the environment is one where violent/force wins/works. The fact this cop is getting prosecuted when countless others walked away, despite protests in both cases, simply provides more support to those violently protesting.  But....this learned habit, this feeling of hatred, violence, and force is not just to those in power, but it is embedded in the very essence of the people as well. To illustrate this, a simply question. Why is this specific incident, what broke the camels back? So many other police brutality incidents occur, why is this one getting so much outrage versus the others? It’s just 1 to many? Could it be, that this coincides perfectly with a multi-month long quarintine, where many are feeling financial difficulties and the psychological toll of isolation? Perhaps this wasn’t what broke the camels back on police brutality tolerance, but on people. People are just frustrated, tired, angry. Of the government, of the world, of the environment. Tired of others, tired of politics. And they go out, angry, kicking and screaming, violent. This is not who we are, but how we have learned to express ourselves, how we have learned to communicate. My own girlfriend, sees the police brutality, the corona redneck protestors wanting to get their haircuts, and is filled with anger and hate. But why? Because this is how we have been taught to respond. Anger responds with anger. Frustration with frustration. But this is a cycle, one that is going through countless generations and thousands of years.  But it does not need to be this way. As stated, the human condition is innately geared towards good, love, and peace. This is why these strategies work, and why hatred and violence don’t. Years and years of practice trying to force this to work, but it never does. Does no one ever wonder why that is? Why fear and hatred don’t work? Because humans are not designed for it, they are not wired for it. We are wired for peace and love. Countless eras of growing up in this harsh world and environment has hardened us, made us believe that we must respond like all the other animals in this world, with violence and force. But this does not need be the way.  We are seeing the prospects of true human evolution. The ability to transcend past our limitations, the true path to the future. One through love and peace. Where all humans work as one, and there are no heirachies, no levels, nothing. There exists no levels of power, and people do not respond to force, but rather with love. We have the capabilities now, to move beyond the primitive measures we have been forced to adopt to survive in this world.  And finally, we reach my opinion on these protests. To feel hate for any group, would be a mistake. Love for the cop, love for the protestors. For they are children, unable to understand and thus rewire their programming. We must instead, uniformly, unanymously, push forward with peace and love. No tear gas, no rubber bullets, no force and violence. No angry frustrated rhetoric. If you wish to protest, hold arms and protect the stores, do not fight back. You will get hurt, you may even die, but the alternative, is raising your children into a future of more pain and violence, and continuing this futile cycle. For if you refuse to change, how can you expect them to?

[mentalanalyzer]

My purpose

Someone told me the other, they don’t know my purpose, and it got me thinking on my journey, to understand and discover my purpose, my role in this life. Growing up, I had illusions of grandeur. They say every teenager does. I didn’t know where I was going, what I was doing. But I knew one thing I wanted, not for me, but for the world. I wanted it to be run with love, compassion, understanding. No person should feel hungry, sad, depressed, alone. It was my mission, to never be cruel. Sure I’ve been an asshole at times, and sometimes even mean, but never cruel. I never took enjoyment of the suffering of others, even in middle school and high school. Despite some of my closest friends enjoying the position of power, and that feeling of power you get, over another individual, it was never something I shared, nor something of theirs I ever supported. Now the drug use did cause some psychological changes, some changes in my ideals and how I implemented them...one could say it weakened my resolve for my cause. But deep down, those ideals and values were always there, and always pushed through when it came down to it.  But this is not about that, but my purpose. For the longest time, I thought my purpose was to spread knowledge, and through the knowledge, the understanding that the only true way to live is through love and compassion. For you see, this idea isn’t emotional, as it is more logical. There is no other sustainable, proper way of living, on a pure logical/argumentative level. My religions teachings laid the foundations for the rhetoric, and I thought it was my role to understand, and spread them...yet I failed. I can understand, but I cannot spread. I don’t have the capability to understand people well enough to explain these ideologies in a way that is easy for them to understand. Which is crucial. Plus, it would seem quite narccistic and illogical to believe I alone was put here to change the world and spread this knowledge. Despite everyone believing I have a large head/ego, I don’t. Hence, why I truly could never get behind this idea, this purpose.  The purpose changed, perhaps I could not change the world/people through logical means, maybe through emotional means and dedication. To dedicate my time with those that were not as fortunate, those that society deemed lower. Those who were insulted and outcast from society, beat on and left alone. Those who are used by those in power. As a result, I dedicated my time to hanging out with the kids with no friends in high school, to get to know them, to be compassionate to them. I even got some of them gfs/bfs. Yet....this did not change them. I cannot instill hope, in a person who is incapabile of having it. I cannot cure the depression in a person, or the heartbreak in another. People are who they are, and they are incapable of changing. They may agree with you, but they still will do what they were/and will always do. People are an unbreakable cycle of self destruction. Both physically, and emotionally. Those that have the will to push through this cycle will succeed, but I do not believe this is a will that can be given...maybe created, but I lack the skill/knowledge for that.  These failures and realizations, made me think of a different purpose, one still influencing people and their well being, but in a more indirect manner. One of science and medicine. A doctor? No, it still has that human interaction....how about a scientist? One to make medicine to help those around the world. But again, I alone do not have the capability to cure all their ailments. I lack the knowledge. Then what is my purpose? It comes to down to this, of which I know what I would like to do, but must accept the truth of what I can do. The truth that I have no purpose, or better yet, that there is no purpose. I am a cog in the machine that is life, another of the million people out there. I live my life the best I can, being the best person I can be, and trying to help as best I can. That is my purpose. A servant, of the people. Not its guide, not its shepard, not its savior, simply its servant. I cannot change people, either through knowledge, religion, or emotion. All I can do is my part, my simple minor role, and add to the collective. 

[mentalanalyzer]

Some more honesty

These....posts, these revelations of myself, it is not like these feelings/emotions/descriptions of my personality, are anything new. They’ve always been there, but with time, I come to understand myself better, to understand who I am, and how to describe myself better. This post...will be about...nihilism I guess?

I’m not depressed, not clinically at least. I live a happy life, I eat foods I like, I do activities I enjoy, I live, laugh, love. I am capable of experiencing happiness, and of sorrow, and anger. I say this, so it is clear, I do not have depression. 

That being said, I have no will to live either. I only move forward because its the only way forward, not because I wish to or want to. Yes, I love science, but its not about not having the capability to enjoy my life and gear it torwards something I want, it’s more along the lines of again...I have no will to live. I do not fear death, in fact, at times, I wish it would choose me. I am of course religious, and have petty ideals of “manliness”, so my ideology is that one must fight to survive and succeed with the life they are given...but while I believe these things...I don’t feel  these things, if that makes sense. I would have absolutely no problem if my life ended tomorrow. When the plane starts shaking, I don’t fear the fall, I only fear surviving the fall, because in this life, the only thing that is worse than living, is suffering. It should be stated that I don’t have a grandeur illusion of heaven, and that the afterlife will be great, in fact it may very well be that there is no afterlife and that it is nothingness. But I would prefer that over life, and I will try and summerize why in 2 points. 

1) Life is....hard. It’s difficult. It’s not fair. If there is a God, then he stopped caring long ago. And I’m....tired. I’m tired of the questions and unknowns the concerns, the anxiety. The happiness and joy, it honestly isn’t worth it. Every heart break, all the stress before an exam, presentation, meeting, the hunger, the thirst, the cold, the warmth, it all just sucks and I’m tired. I should mention, this isn’t just to me, but for everyone. Life isn’t fair to everyone, its hard for everyone, and everyone is tired. We just continue moving, because its our instinct, its what we do. Its just life, you weren’t asked to be born, you just are, and you do the best you can with what you’re given. But what is the point? 

2) There is no point. There is no meaning or purpose behind life, again, sure on a religious level, but look at point 1. If I live or die, it won’t make a difference. This is more of a nihilistic outlook, yes I know, its nothing new, its not edgy or cool, it just is what it is. I look at more as a fact of life. One of the few things I truly enjoy in life, solving the mysteries of the unknown, the mental stimulus of it all....it doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Maybe for society it might, maybe for mankind it might...but for me? It doesn’t matter to me. We often say we are a droplet in an ocean, but that is a misnomer. Our planet, is a droplet in the ocean of the universe. We? We are the atoms that make up the droplet. 

All of this to say, I am a religious man, and I do often just sit and wonder...why? If there is a God, and he does love us, then why do I live? There are many out there who may value and love life, who may enjoy it, who would never want death....yet they receive it. I who care nothing for life, who sees no value in it, yet must suffer living. Again, I don’t have depression...and I should clarify, its not that I don’t see the point in it all (a family, kids, a career, love, etc.), its just....I don’t feel it. 

[mentalanalyzer]

Some self-honesty

My recent posts have been...somewhat emotionally dry for the most part. Sure there is passion, but nothing else. And this is where I come to spill the beans, post my deepest inner most feelings, and I haven’t the past year or 2. There are many excuses or reasons, but the deep honest truth is, on some level, I find them silly, absurd. I have felt this way in the past of course of many of my feelings, but this is different. Because in the past I’ve felt they were emotions needing fixing, that they it was something bad that needed to be corrected. These are different though, they aren’t bad, and I see no reason to get rid of the, yet I feel as if they’re foolish, dumb, to express. They are with me everywhere I go, deep down in my core, but I never bring them to light, because I find them....somewhat childish. It’s stupid of course, for one to hide their emotions, especially from themself. So, decided you know what, I’m going to make a heartfelt post, I’m going to go, and spill part of my guts.  The truth is, while I am in this PhD for myself, for my enjoyment, mental stimulas, fun, money, etc. stuff I’ve made present in all my prior posts, a very large part of it (not why I came, but something that keeps me going, that makes me rush, that makes me try my hardest), is my family. My mother, my father, my sister, my grandparents. My mom loves to show me off, it’s just a persian mom (maybe just even a mom) thing, she loves to show everyone I’m better than everyone else. It makes her happy, and so I do my best to be better, to be the best I can be at everything, so she can show it off. So she can be happy. My father and grandparents aren’t exactly the same way, but I’ve always felt, at some point in your life, you stop living for yourself, and living through others. Your joy and pride becomes the off spring that you have raised, that you have created. So I try my hardest to make them proud, to get that degree, and put it not on my wall, but on their wall. My entire goal, is to get my degree before my grandpa dies, so that he can see it. I come in every weekend, stay long hours, so I can finish faster, just so that he can be around when I get it. Just so he can have it on his wall, show off to all his friends. A large part of what I do, is to make my family happy, and to be a role model to my younger cousins and especially to my sister. I failed in the past in those regards, but I will not fail again. I will succeed in every aspect in life, so that has something to aim, something to look up to. Something she can aspire to, even if she chooses to go down a different path. I work hard, so that I can show her what hard work can get you. The truth is, I care little for my achievements. I care little for the titles, the awards, they mean nothing to me. I only care, because of the joy and happiness they bring my family. And that joy and happiness, that pride that they have in me, that’s what keeps me going. That’s a strong part of what drives me.  There is a 2nd portion though, something I’m not too comfortable putting out, but that is the point of this post. It’s going to get out. And that is money. Truthfully, I care very little for money, I spend very little for myself because I don’t need much. I don’t care for much. I always save and save so I always have money I can give. A few thousand here, a few hundred here. My family has always been short on money, always just a little bit short of comfortable. That’s how our world is set up, you can make just enough to survive. But I want more for them. I want to take my grandpa to see the world, to travel everywhere I have, to see all the things he couldn’t because he didn’t have the means to. I want to make sure my dad never has to work for money a single day in his life. Right now, there is nothing I can financially do. But the faster I finish, the faster I get the job, the faster I can get money. Every month I go to Boston for networking, every week I’m emailing and talking to people in the industry so that as soon as I get out, I can immediately get a job. Get some money, start saving, and then buy my dad a house somewhere in Florida where he can spend the rest of his days with the rest of his family. Maybe he wants to travel, well I can provide for that as well. I often joke my stingy ways will change once I have money, but I honestly don’t think it will. Not until my family is comfortable and secure. Truth is, I’m furious. I’m tired of being helpless, of not being able to help or do anything. Its why I can’t sit at home, and I come to work every day and night. I just can’t sit there wasting time, it makes my blood boil. The faster I finish my degree, get out there and make some money, the better. There is a layer of pressurized magma, deep beneath the calm exterior, waiting to blow at any crack.  While I do love and enjoy my PhD program, these are constantly motivators. They reside deep inside, pushing me, motivating, keeping me going. Everytime I sit down to be lazy, they rise up and get me moving. One day, I’ll get that job, I’ll get that money, I’ll get that degree. They can have it all, none of it honestly means much to me. My mom can keep my degree, my posters, my awards, my dad can keep all my money, and my family everything else. For me, their joy and success, means more to me than my own. Truthfully, I don’t care for any of it, I don’t underscore my achievements to be humble, I underscore them because I don’t care about them, because they mean nothing in the bigger picture. I love going hiking in the mountains and canyons, because honestly, that’s where its at, that’s what matters. Seeing the grand vistas, the largness of everything, my paper degree means nothing, my paper money doesn’t mean shit. I don’t need an expensive car, a big house, all the money and food, etc. My dream, is to just live in the country side, someplace nice and quiet, and to live a life of mental stimulus helping others and the world (that includes my family). To me, that is a fulfilling life, that is my goal, my dream. And to of course have a family on the side, but all the extra money, all the other comforts and luxuries of life, my family can have them, I don’t need it, I don’t want it.