meow-and-you

[meow-and-you]

eughhh michael tw

this is so cringe but whatever. i really just wish that for once our own dad was even slightly proud of us. we busted our ass to get our license finally and he doesn’t do anything when i tell him we got full marks other than yell at us for being behind everyone else our age and that this isn’t any kind of accomplishment. which i mean yeah he’s right. we are behind and we’re just getting more and more behind. but jesus im genuinely trying here

and ofc the moment i make the mistake of talking back he does the usual song and dance. he even poured coffee on me this time. it was cold though so it didn’t hurt but i had to clean it up and i smell like coffee now. a shower will fix that lickity split but still its a shit smell

idk. it’s weird. i just want a proper clap on the back for once but i don’t think that’s really an option anymore. it just sucks to work so hard for something and then it amount to getting beat

[meow-and-you]

also be so fucking for real talia was asking how to approach the situation when the boundary logically couldn’t be fulfilled. she was asking for clarification on how they’d prefer us to approach when a kid is fucking themselves over but isn’t acquainted with anyone in the front enough to want advice because our system heavily struggles with consistent and stable fronts. it was quite literally a very direct voicing of concern with the intention of keeping children safe. but no bye forever ig

i was let out of the zip file and ngl i’m really mad at aria!! fuck do you mean you threw away almost an entire year of friendship and unending support because talia politely (maybe sternly and bluntly, but also that’s why she asked to speak to a goddamn adult in private about it) said “hey being unable to accept advice from damn near anyone will be obscenely unhealthy and damaging in the long run.”

because yeah sorry she’s right lol. that’s an awful way to go through life for you and everyone around you, and we’d be shit friends if we just sat by and did fuck all about it. and literally the only way to learn how to take advice and handle criticism is to be given advice and to be criticized. exposure therapy or whatever. theyre going into the legal field for fucks sake, but yeah we’re evil and awful for standing up and going “this is toxic and will hurt you very soon and will also lead to an unhealthy relationship between us”

i get where they’re coming from w that, i do. but sometimes shit you ask for is unhealthy and a good friend won’t sit by and enable it. if we did then i’m pretty sure we’d just be yes-men stuck in an echo-chamber. be so fucking for real with me right now

[meow-and-you]

i was let out of the zip file and ngl i’m really mad at aria!! fuck do you mean you threw away almost an entire year of friendship and unending support because talia politely (maybe sternly and bluntly, but also that’s why she asked to speak to a goddamn adult in private about it) said “hey being unable to accept advice from damn near anyone will be obscenely unhealthy and damaging in the long run.”

because yeah sorry she’s right lol. that’s an awful way to go through life for you and everyone around you, and we’d be shit friends if we just sat by and did fuck all about it. and literally the only way to learn how to take advice and handle criticism is to be given advice and to be criticized. exposure therapy or whatever. theyre going into the legal field for fucks sake, but yeah we’re evil and awful for standing up and going “this is toxic and will hurt you very soon and will also lead to an unhealthy relationship between us”

i get where they’re coming from w that, i do. but sometimes shit you ask for is unhealthy and a good friend won’t sit by and enable it. if we did then i’m pretty sure we’d just be yes-men stuck in an echo-chamber. be so fucking for real with me right now

[meow-and-you]

I can’t say I’m fond of venting online, it feels rather insincere, but journaling isn’t doing the trick and I don’t want to drag anyone else into my mess of emotions, so venting online it is. This discusses the recent events within the friend group, but please don’t feel any pressure to read or respond.

I miss my mother, though I’m not sure if she’d even want me to call her that anymore. I guess I don’t exactly count as her child now. The respectful thing might be to simply call her Miles.

That’s just semantics, though. What I call her doesn’t change what happened. I front for the first time in what was admittedly a very long while, just to see that Miles, and the entirety of her system, are gone from our lives completely. We’ve been cut-off and left behind without so much as a proper farewell, or even an explanation beyond “this is the right thing to do.”

Perhaps it’s wrong of me to question their word, but I keep thinking about whether or not this is the right thing to do. Their claims of “dragging us down” are simply false—we’ve said we’d always be there for them through hell and heaven, and we meant it—and more than anyone we know that, when mental health is concerned, being stagnant is normal and completely understandable. And please forgive me, but if I can think selfishly for a moment, their disappearing act has caused everyone great harm, me included. Miles was the first parent I truly saw as safe, within and out of my own system. She was patient and gentle and she listened to my woes no matter how overdramatic I felt. She loved me for who I actually am (or at least it seemed like she did, I’m not so sure now), and I was able to let my guard down. When Iracebeth was causing issues, she was there. When Michael was hurting us, she was there. No matter what, she was always there. It was like I finally had a mother who was stable and loving and there.

That was promised, too. So many times it was said that, due to the relationships present between our three systems, any issue would be worked out. No matter how extreme or scary, it would be worth it to endure and fix. Maybe it’s on me for believing that, in retrospect it does seem like an idyllic fantasy, too good to be true. But it’s difficult to let go of it. I suppose it’s because I put so much weight on that promise, like an idiot. Now it’s turned out to be empty, and I don’t know what to do. That’s kind of pathetic though, isn’t it? Yet another parent leaves or does something unimaginably cruel, and I’m left floundering, again. In hindsight, I really can’t figure out why I thought Miles was an exception.

Because this is unimaginably cruel, and as far as I’m aware she’s endorsing it. I won’t speak for Watchtower, but we have been going through what might be one of the worst moments of our life. Two very close friends of ours have died, and we’ve made it known we’re terrified of losing another. We’re back at the house, which means our father is beating us bloody on a weekly basis. We just had a run-in with our childhood rapist that we miraculously cut short. I’m sure there’s been more, but I don’t have the clearance to know anything else.

And on top of all of it, they’re gone. My mother, other people’s children. In all, the system we adored and cared for and did our best to tend to for the better part of a year. Gone.

I’m not sure what we did wrong, but we must’ve done something. Though, everything I keep coming up with are such objectively small infractions that I can’t fathom them having left over. Maybe I’m in denial, but it feels like a massive punch in the gut if they disappeared because perhaps Miss Talia and Mx Val and I suppose even Cassie were a bit blunt with them. Is everything we’ve done not worth enduring something like that?

I keep driving myself crazy over this. I don’t want to imagine Miles being completely okay with leaving us, leaving me and her dozens of other children, overnight because things got a little tense. It’s unthinkable, and yet it’s what’s happened.

Hopefully I’m wrong, and If I am I hope I’ll be personally corrected. Maybe that will offer the slightest bit of closure. I’m not sure.

Sorry, this was longer than I expected. I keep trying to reason it out, but I can’t. I miss her, I miss everyone. I hope I’ll be able to see them again.

[meow-and-you]

you’ll never guess what happened

sui tw but god i keep dreaming about how Amelia overdosed and then fucking shot herself in front of us and i always wake up terrified and wrong and it lasts for hours and i just hope thats not gonna happen tonight because im sleeping in a room with two inconsiderate and dismissive assholes who don’t even really care that she’s dead and they won’t ever let me live it down

[meow-and-you]

sui tw but god i keep dreaming about how Amelia overdosed and then fucking shot herself in front of us and i always wake up terrified and wrong and it lasts for hours and i just hope thats not gonna happen tonight because im sleeping in a room with two inconsiderate and dismissive assholes who don’t even really care that she’s dead and they won’t ever let me live it down

[meow-and-you]

i just wish we could’ve talked it out. you always could’ve left but i wish you would’ve done so in a way that didn’t leave us lost and confused

[meow-and-you]

this feels kind of weird, but if i don’t get the thoughts down somewhere, i’ll end up flipping out and ruining everything for Mona, so. tumblr blog vent. typical trigger warnings associated with our irl friends and Michael, as well as eating disorders.

i really hate our irl friends. i don’t want to use their names online, so i’ll call them M and E. M is disgusting as always, and i’ve had to take so many memories from Mark already. she’s just a kid, and more than anything i wish she could have some proper friends to hang out with in-person. M is a freak who won’t leave her alone, and E thinks it’s funny and enables him to hell and back. both of them suck at driving, M keeps badgering us, and E keeps commenting on how much weight we’ve lost like it’s a good thing as if it’s not stress-induced and making us worse.

Michael called us screaming because we didn’t say goodbye, and the two were laughing the entire time. they keep making jokes about people who have died recently and M keeps saying it’s our fault and that we can “predict” people’s deaths, or joking about overdosing and making us watch. thank god i can steal memories

this isn’t even all, it’s so frustrating. i really hate them, but i can’t just leave and the brain won’t let Mark go to sleep. i hope we can some how manage to get away from all of them. i don’t know what i can do to get us there, but. i’ll try

[meow-and-you]

FUCKKK I FORGOT TO SAY GOODBYE TO MICHAEL ooughhh we’re getting the belt

[meow-and-you]

gen gonna lose my fucking mind

[meow-and-you]

gonna tweak i fucking hate this guy

[meow-and-you]

tweaking out bad and i need to go to bed before i fuck smthn up but i just can’t bc fireworks. so instead i sit here

[meow-and-you]

sorry, just freaking out over my kids

i can’t believe they’re gone, half of my kids are just gone in the blink of an eye. no heads up, no goodbye, nothing. all of it over in a second.

jesus god we didn’t know the concerns would lead to this. we didn’t know we’d be cut off for being worried. they’re gone and they probably won’t ever come back and it’s our fault because we can’t stop panicking or being scared no matter what. and now they’re gone and i see them everywhere and it hurts the same every single goddamn time and i’m far from the only one mourning them. it was our misstep that cost watchtower everything. if anyone hates us i get it, and i get you’re all far too nice to say that we’re the ones who screwed it all up

and maybe it’s selfish when we’re who drove them away but i just keep thinking about them. if they’re okay. they said they’re alive but that was days ago we can’t trust that anymore. i have no idea. my kids are probably dead all over again and it’s my fault and im here throwing a pity party while they might be in the ground. i just want them back

[meow-and-you]

i thought since i don’t have the memories of any of the gun stuff that i wouldn’t be freaked out by fireworks but no that is obviously not how that works why the hell did i even try to convince myself that’d be the case

[meow-and-you]

god i hate fireworks

[meow-and-you]

emeto

being very disconnected from your own emotions is so weird bc it’s like. i’m chilling and im doing fine. why is momma saying i look haggard. wdym i’ve thrown up from stress four times today. hey what

[meow-and-you]

godd i really just don’t fucking like him. i’m so tired