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[meowmeowbeepy]

A reflection re: Ben

Inspired by conversations re: love, relationships, soulmates, trials, tribulations etc. circa Lillian

Dear Ben,

I am experiencing a very new state of being where I feel untethered to the idea that my soul = Ben and Catherine. Sorry to start off this letter so abstractly. This "state of being" is not one I have felt before in romantic relationships. The failure and pain I had from those previous relationships I THINK partially came from the inability to separate my individual security and happiness from the security and happiness my relationship gave me. I.e. when things between my love interest and I were good, I was happy. When things between my love interest and I were rocky, I derailed and felt very unpeaceful in all aspects of my life. I remember being uncomfortable in class, at home, at work, going to bed, in the presence of friends, everything and everywhere- even when he was not physically there to directly cause immediate strife. When I say I was not independent of my relationship, I am not saying I needed to be with this person every waking moment. I really did not. But I needed everything about that relationship to be good in order to be fully functional in the other parts of my life. I did not like that, and I am glad this is something I don't have to feel with us. So, the lesson that Ben and Catherine (henceforth referred to as B+C) has taught me is that Catherine can watch B+C, tend to B+C, reflect on B+C, and treat B+C... like a plant. I hope this is a healthy form of love. But I think this reflection has been on my mind recently as Lillian has been profoundly reflecting on her relationship. Also further fueled by the fact I am more acutely aware that we are spending more time apart than together. When we do spend our weekends together, I don't feel like a Catherine watching B+C. I feel like one thing = us!! And not just Catherine, or Catherine watching B+C. I quite like knowing and truly feeling a difference between these states of being. To give you a specific example of the moments I feel "untethered". I have developed this idea from my new reactions to our disagreements. This was not always the case, but in the most recent times where we philosophically disagree, I feel like Catherine watching B+C. And I know that while B+C are discussing and disagreeing and butting heads, Catherine herself does not need to take her upset to the next level or even personally. Does this make me seem sociopathic? I feel like this is a highly effective form of compartmentalization. I do get fussy in my head a little, but I try to come down from it by reminding myself that this is not a change in B+C. Instead, it is Ben (alone) and Catherine (alone). But B+C can and will recover and love each other anyways. With your recent sick series, I have been challenged to understand that sick Ben is not a sick B+C. It's been harder for me to untether your health from us. But I am trying to find a way.

I wish I could remember more of our early courting days. From our happy, talkative and chatty dinner at Barcenas, cocktails at DTO that very romantically extended to a big walk to Mama Teresa's and back to your place where you were so forward and confident, to never really going a day without talking or a week without dating. I knew I was lucky then to have such a fun and non-dramatic relationship. I remember saying "we somehow have such spontaneous and great dates every weekend!" I even showed you some of my crazy! I am glad you accidentally told me you loved me, and I am glad you reminded me (verbally) how much you liked me and thought we were progressing well. It kept me on track, especially since I was definitely trying to run the course too fast. I can always rely on you to not get lost in my clouds. We are compatible in that way. I give you fun and endearing cheer, you give me back the silliness I crave and consistency and stability. After the first 3 dates, I cannot specifically remember the timeline of what happened after. I vaguely remember the surprise I felt that each weekend we didn't just lounge around and do nothing- we had activities! Events! In Texas City, in Galveston, we were young and easily happy together. I also vaguely remember the instability I felt before you asked me to be your girlfriend. Or rather, I asked you to ask me to be your girlfriend. I was grabbling with not knowing when we would be official despite getting closer every week. I should have been happier to enjoy the ride, especially since the ride was smooth and without conflict. Instead, I felt unease there was no absolution or security that we were NOT going to break up. You were easy going back then. I am grateful for the patience you had with me. I came to love and learn how wise you were through my weekly freak outs.

I have some other memories, TKY parties, going to the beach, feeling shy just dropping by the house, going to Oktoberfest and seeing you socialize with people you went to school with. I don't know why I felt so shy, but I was meeting a lot of people (formally) really fast. And I think I was nervous that all these put together were white, mostly attractive, had more in common with you, and would have more in common with me if I was also white. And I felt awkward thinking people were initially thinking we don't match. I was just projecting. Because in my head, I was struggling frequently about us not matching. It wasn't the same critique Lillian had earlier on about how we were "settling" for each other. My overthinking, unfounded, unmaterialized fear was more that we would blow up at each other for the same disagreements we were having then, in the future, and it would get REALLY ugly. Like in 5 years, we would continue to have the same tensions (that we were not letting completely tip us over at the time) but suddenly, we would both stubbornly not back down. And by then, we would look back and feel guilty we "ignored" this for 5 years and now had to be BRAVE to break up. I know I am not brave like that. But I think you are. It is still a fear I have, but after almost 2 years of working through these things and not having any less love (actually, having more love), I think "WOW. We are 2 out of 5 of those scary 5 years I imagined, and it actually has only gotten easier." Hence the B+C theory.

You feel so familiar to me now. It actually gives me butterflies in my tummy when I think of this. Your uncontrollable urges to redecorate, move furniture around, devote yourself to new hobbies like cookbooks, planting, coffee making, scavenging eBay and sellers online for clothing, Toyota Matrix's, and much more... they make me giggle. I know my Ben can get excited by something so small that brings him joy. It is so fun to watch. I like to make fun of you for these things, but I see a future father who will want his children to experience and find small tasks to devote to. And I will be in the back thinking... "how long will this one last?" But it makes me smile. And excited. I still daydream about our future so much. While your ADD presents in new hobbies, mine presents in new daydreaming topics. I think about the future so much. How will our wedding dinner look? How will our photos look? How will the photos of us looking at each other look? How will the proposal look? How will our first home look? Your residency? Our dates in the next phase of life? Our kids?

I trust that God brought us together, and I hope we can both be blessed by God. I hope He smiles down on our love. I hope we have a Christian and honorable life together. I idolize our future too much. Like my earlier mistakes, I know I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride. But I am giddy with anticipation. I am so thankful for everything and every feeling you have given me. I want to be less selfish, and do better at giving to and supporting you.

I think I am done. I love you!

[meowmeowbeepy]

THIS week dawg (feb 5-9)

First of all I was very bizzzzzzy. But maybe that was good fortune, insane amount of HAEs but higher than expected YES's if you will. Good timing too, since Shen is out next week and I have 2 full days for fits and etccccc. I know I was stressed and dreading the week for this reason (too many HAEs) but it ended up... really paying off. literally lol. Still. It's Friday and I can finally fuggin breathe dawg

A terrible, unexpected thing happened a girl cannot prepare for. Mitchell called it quits with Lillian :'( The way my stomach dropped and clenched and brain kinda went fuzzy. We are adults, and adult feelings are less colorful and sharp re: how breakups were in college. Instead, I feel a muted true sadness and blueness. There was kindness in the breakup. And there was also patience and less blaming than easier breakups. Idunno. How will she get over this? Idunno. I imagined all our lives embedded in the future and Mitchell was there so now, all our life visions are shattered a bit. Even tho Lillian doesn't feel it- I know this won't be her greatest love

[meowmeowbeepy]

Ranking traffic

from first place to last place

Friday AM / Monday AM TIE

Tues AM

Wed - Thurs AM

Monday PM

Friday PM

Tues-Thurs PM

note: PM is always worse. Though Monday and Friday AM are equally the best to drive (maybe Friday wins by a hair...) FRIDAY PM FOR SOME REASON IS LIGHTYEARS worse than Monday PM.

[meowmeowbeepy]

A prayer

Dear God. I pray for Mr. Mark Meeker. May his MRI show good healing of his brain. I trust in your love and divine power. Please bless their beautiful family and have every one of their needs met during this desperate time. We have nothing to offer but faith. Amen~

[meowmeowbeepy]

TOPIC: SUFFERING (even though I am not suffering)

This is from my 365 day Bible in the year podcast. I raced to re-listen to this 2 minute bit several times so I can summarize it below lolz. What stuck out to me was #3.

It is talking about Job's suffering and a larger question of "why do bad things happen to good people?"

Even if it is hard to understand the meaning of this bad moment, trust that God's plan has meaning

Suffering 1. is an opportunity to repent 2. is an opportunity to learn and grow in wisdom 3. breaks our heart so it can then be more gentle and compassionate

Hard to accept whilst one in the season of suffering BUT I am not right now so I can accept and understand and respect it ;P

[meowmeowbeepy]

A tale of how I was a poo poo pants

This weekend Ben was busy but came up so we could have an afternoon/evening date. Yay! I was happy. We had a perfectly unplanned date starting w/ La La Land that I was wanting for some reason even though I've really only been there once but had a good impression. Then we went to Hermann Park near the Med Center. It was friggin cold but lovely. The Japanese tea garden was serene, and it was just nice being outdoors I guess. I don't really remember any of it from childhood. Maybe the outdoor pavilion a little bit. Afterwards, we spontaneously went to his friends house, and I got to play with their super cute almost 2yo daughter. At this point of my life I LOVE playing with OTHER people's kids a lot :) We also just hung around and chatted a bit. Because these are Ben's friends, the process of being less awkward and more friendly and personal improves with increasing minutes of face-time. But it's a weird, unavoidable, IMPORTANT thing. Just to collect minutes and hours and place them in the bank so that we can know understand one another more casually. It goes both ways, and it's just a weird thing all couples (who don't come from the same friend circle) have to do! It is also a beautiful thing, don't get me wrong. But I am overall feeling impatient. This past time we were able to talk about both broader and smaller, personal things. I enjoyed the conversation thoroughly even tho I think Meagan must be SO tired, and I felt like we over-extended our stay. It was lovely, I liked every moment at their house. But it was indeed getting late and with Benny having to drive back to Galvy, we were going into the night a wee bit. At least that's what I was concerned about. PLUS I was hungry :) The original place we set on had a 45 min to 1.5 hr wait time. Grr. Then we tried a few other places in the 10-15 minute vicinity that all either looked more crowded outside the restaurant, didn't have parking, or only had valet parking. I was also driving and didn't do well with my own stress of deciding on the fly and being hangry. In hindsight, we could have just paid for parking. Maybe bc I know how Ben feels about downtown Houston already, I was even more irritated that things weren't working out. He didn't speak on it much and really didn't add a bit of stress to me. But I really took it away and spiraled into panic/stress/poo poo pants crankiness. Eventually, it was 9pm, and I called it. Which in hindsight I am glad bc I think it would have put him behind on Sunday if we stayed out too late. But I descended into a silent poo poo pants status, and Ben felt I was mad at him. We said goodbye in that state, and I felt guilty that we had a perfect date until I got crappy. We talked about it and said I was sorry. So all was good very quickly! But I felt like (again) Benny is so good to me. Even when I am *ruining* things, he doesn't make me feel like a bad guy. He is sad and affected by my mood which does make me feel bad bc I understand things are bad bc of me in the moment, but he is afraid that he did something wrong. Poor Benny. I must be sweeter and kinder to him. Even if it means I gotta suck my poo poo pants back up and just chill tf out

[meowmeowbeepy]

NEW WEBSITE (tweet)

Forgot to update everyone on this new website html thingy. Soooo cute. No notes. send

[meowmeowbeepy]

Wow here are some updates no one asked for

I just caught up on previous blog posts. I am sorry the last two seemed more like tweets. Here are some historical happenings since last true post (mostly I've been doing book and podcast reviews lol?)

I went to NY w/ Benny which was fun. I was so incredibly pleased w/ myself that he actually LIKED it. Lots of touristy things that we all must do at least once in this life... Next time we go back we will be more slow paced. I liked the hotel A LOT. It's great to stay in 1 central place when traveling. I know I'll have made it in life if my future hotels on vacations are nice as balls and convenient and no compromise! He liked the MET the most. I felt bad bc I was not doing well that day (abrupt #3 iykyk and hungry and feet hurt). Something I like abt Ben: he never makes me feel bad when I actually am being a problem. I cannot say I am as gracious towards crankypants. I liked the ferry ride to the Statue of Liberty! Specifically the Statue of Liberty. The island was not crowded, and we were the first group there so it was an ideal situation and felt whimsical for an iconic landmark. I also really liked seeing friends Clur and Corn. It was so nice and energetic for the limited time I had. But the most soul filling ofc was bringing Benny to grandparents. I appreciate my auntie sm for being the best (albeit crazy) caretaker of grandparents (also crazy). Family becomes everything and continues to speed up up up up in importance as we age. Our social worlds will get smaller.. not worse! Just infrequent! But family is home. That's how I can describe the feeling anyways. My translation abilities were better than I thought... Also, I knew they were old but I never felt they were any older than other grandparents. But after this trip, I could SEE and I really felt that they are getting far older than average/normal. So I treasure and am thankful for that. I hope they will be here for much longer. So much time has gone by since I was a little college kid staying majorly w/ them "upstate" and venturing towards Manhattan. Now, I don't think I could do that haha. I am such a princess haha.

Before we went to NY me, daddy, and Benny went to a Rockets game. It was perfectly fun and something I know my daddy will treasure a lot. He likes that kinda stuff.

I thought December was going to be a huge flop/slow month for HAs but it ended up being ok. January tho... extreme flop lols. But I guess I have one more week to turn it around? Doubt I can realistically. I wonder if I am not as motivated as I was when I first started :( But idunno. I think about the ethics and morals of different HA levels way more than I used to? Or at least deeper than I used to so maybe that is affecting me? I also think I am more realistic than before- I used to give my 500% and was blind to a person who probably wouldn't follow through. Now, I can see it early on and it doesn't disappoint as much I guess. Probably not good. Also, the salary drama I've recently become privy to was a weird thing to experience in my career. I didn't get TMJ from it lol and feel pretty neutral overall. But hoping the best... for all.. and for me. If I could say 1 thing I am really bleh to: the tracking and KPI of my office. The higher ups are VERY nice... but what's going to happen when my numbers aren't as good for an entire year as maybe they were Sept-Oct. But I won't be too negative, realistically I know things will ebb and flow without any change in me.

Ok last one. We got a new doggy! Born 3/21/2020... Barney! He's so sweetums and so much more DOG than Toby was. Barney is just a wee bit mischievous but it is overpowered by his loyalty and desire to be close to humans. Toby was very mischievous and not super affectionate or needy, tho very loyal w/out shame lol. (Ex. does not want love from anyone but my mom.. esp Joann) Barney is pretty sweet to all. Joann has announced that he is HER dog, which makes sense. AND I don't mind. I just want a little doggy adjacent. She is basically holding him hostage in her room which I think is funny bc his personality probably will do well w/ that. Vs. Toby hated her for that. God blessed us w/ Barney though. He is so gentle and baby that he will be a good second dog to people who VERY HONESTLY have not fully moved on from Toby. And probably never will (not in a super bad way) but he was more than a dog lollll so dramatic.

K bye

[meowmeowbeepy]

NEW HEADER

Hopefully to stay now that we have exited Christmas time. I like miss lofi girl + plants! I also changed the theme color from yellow to periwinkle. Yellow was nuts. Keeping avatar. Still like it

[meowmeowbeepy]

I am determined to have a good week day 2

Yesterday I tweeted about it. MANIFEST. Today I blog about it. MANIFEST. I started the day w/ 2 audios which I sometimes appreciate Tuesdays for how b2b audios can be *if I don't have to worry about HACs/HAEs*

I started the day w/ a good poop. A perfect 4. Should I start poop map again? I wish I started on January 1st. I can't bring myself to start now...

[meowmeowbeepy]

Plz let today be as painless as yesterday

Less pts today. Yday I was jam packed.. At least betwen 9am-4pm lol. But everyone was lovely, it was engaging, I felt helpful and of worth. Today's people are likely more @nn0y*ng.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. But a shorter day... but demanding.. I hope it's just wax traps and receiver replacements galore. But whenever I dread a day, usually it ends up surprisingly not as dramatized as I expect. Except 1 time- it suckt!

[meowmeowbeepy]

BOOK REVIEW: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

I heard about this book from BookTok and general hype. Overall, I loved the idea and story! Quick read. Best part is truly the love story between Evelyn and her great love. The husbands were fun chapters. Worst part (not even that bad, but if I had to pick) was how she held out re: Monique's connection to her and when that was dropped, the book ended shortly after. It seemed rushed. As well as Evelyn's su*cide... fast, fast, fast. Big topics, but not as thorough as the lvoe stories. No other thoughts

[meowmeowbeepy]

PODCAST REVIEW: The Wedding Scammer

So far, I liked this podcast story telling the most bc the main host is a likable, self aware, non-pretentious, not annoying person. And BOY is that important if their voice is going to be the one accompanying you on your every day rush hour drive. Kudos to JUSTIN

My actual main thoughts that encouraged me to log on and punch this out: 1. There is a fine line that I won't act like I can navigate re: rightfully understanding and sympathizing with the challenges of a person w/ depression VS. giving person w/ depression sympathy to justify their really shitty behavior. Like.. in media and story-telling, I REALLY feel like a person's "mental health" comes up in HINDSIGHT only when the person themselves is talking about their mistakes. And that formula is 1. mistake 2. digging into the mistake 3. person is ready to talk about it and says, "I was in a horrible place." I think it makes sense and isn't unfair or untrue. BUT I am really feeling like this is NOT a good or fair look at the stigma re: mental health. And what's crazy is the person will say "there's a stigma around mental health" AND THEN bring up their own when (not necessarily as a direct excuse or justification) explaining "I was in a horrible place and made mistakes". To me, it is hard to not blame the mental health. And when we do that for all these stories it is really unfair to people who also have mental health problems who do NOT make these egregious mistakes. I think we should blame a person's weak character lol. There are people truly struggling who do hit a rock bottom but do NOT bring others into the horrendous mix of their mistakes. And it's crazy that EYE am one to even effing say this bc my sister has maybe had ~25 sweet wholesome good days in her life and is otherwise a very difficult person to love and tolerate. And I don't blame it on her mental health-- I blame it on MOSTLY her character!! But, I won't say I am not hypocritical or at least this exact problem I discussed. It is just easier to tell strangers or people who I just am getting to know "oh yeah, my sister is difficult.. she has a lot of ~mental health issues~". Sorry that I am hypocritical

2. Carl, Carl, Carl. To be fair I am not done with the podcast yet lol. But I know re: spoilers that he has not paid the $100,000+ he owes. And I used to be a very there are two sides to every story but can agree there are actually three sides to every story. Being that the truth is it's own side. And as "non-judgey" of a situation a person can be, if there are receipts..paper trails... that support the truth?? I am sorry Carl, your side is valid but it is safe for the rest of us to assume you are so in the wrong. I don't really need his side other than maybe a little more sympathy. There is still so much wrong on paper. Good luck to everyone who has a wedding there!

3. Can't believe he hasn't gone to jail. I think he should. Accountability, recognition of all mistakes is the first step in this. Which clearly he hasn't done, so do I think he has "turned over a new leaf" uhhhh so clearly not.

[meowmeowbeepy]

My workplace

I appreciate the kindness and encouragement I've received forreal. But it is EMBARASSING in a hilarious way how the men of either our company or affiliate groups specifically have been "shouting me out" in the past few months. I am embarrassed bc I do not actually think I am performing well enough to get all these shoutouts in meetings in front of other colleagues that have actually done well but have been here longer. But I appreciate the positivity. LOLzzzzz always when I least expect it.

[meowmeowbeepy]

Podcasts

When I listen to podcasts, I don't mind the rush hour drive as much. With music, I still have the mental load to get irritated. But I found that I am really tapped into a podcast and can ignore the dreadful traffic. Here are my reviews for the ones I have listened to so far.

Unrestorable- I liked it, it was interesting and well told, and one of the main victims (husband) was very articulate and admirable. I just felt like he had a strong voice, stance, and has done wonders being a good father and even husband in the time. His life is so unfair, and I hope he can be very well loved in the future.

The Girlfriends- I guess it was good conversation and dialogue. This podcast felt very TRUE CRIMEY to me. I have always been sensitive to true crime. I don't like talk or topic of murder (even though Unrestorable was like that too). One bc I am scared lol and Two bc I agree that the sensationalizing of homicide is gossipy and catering to safe and bored people. Feels wrong. That's how I felt about the main girlfriend and host of this podcast. Granted, she did mention how sorry she was for initially treating the death of the wife as a gossip topic. But I really lost respect when she decided not to testify for the grand jury (I believe?) bc she wanted to "just remove herself from this and move on". I did not think that was truthful or fair bc she started the whole gf club and even called the murderer doctor's office to keep tabs and then hang up- like a prank? That was distasteful to me. I guess I just did not like her, bc while she apologized for one thing-- she did not realize that saying she wanted to move on but proceed to prank call the doctor's office was hypocritical. It was a very well produced podcast though.

Scamanda- Ok I feel like this was a very popular and highly rated podcast this year, but I did not think it was that well produced? LOL what do I know. My qualms were- I had so many questions throughout the episode... there were so many names of people tossed around once or twice and I had no idea who they were. And I feel like they could have gone through the show in chronological order (for the most part they did) but instead the timeline was like "oh this was TWO years prior to ____ btw!" Financial true crime/white collar crime is safe to listen to. Two things I was left with at the end of this: -Really unfortunate to hear how easy it is for Christians to extort their own community and how they can make it seem like it lines up w/ God's kindness -Are most people shitty? Is it that easy to not stand up to your closest family members? (Scamanda's husband and mom who were 100% in on it)

I will try to find some more podcasts!

[meowmeowbeepy]

no pts today... 1mil tmr

My one pt had a bad start to her day :( That makes me sad bc I know for a FACT she does have many troubles. Anyways, she cancelled and r/s for tomorrow. Somehow everyone wanted an appt tomorrow which DOES work out bc I have help but !!!cmon!!! I would have loved to split between today's nothingness and tomorrow's everything-ness. At least the day will go by fast. And then almost Christmas! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just trying to keep my chin up because SORRY I am NOT liking how today and tomorrow are going to play out in my head. I am going to read and enjoy today :) And I know IRL tomorrow won't actually be shabby at all... every day that I have dreaded so far actually has been manageable and even delightful. So yay.

[meowmeowbeepy]

mwahahaha fr w3rk

I had a busy day at work today. At least in the morning. It was also fruitful. People were very nice and lovely and I love them all. Since then, I hammered out a few audios, returned a call or 2... prepped for tomorrow which is going to AKLDJHLSKJFH SLAM! But hopefully it is okay and I sell a lot of HAs lol. I have been looking forward to writing my first little entry here while on the clock. I am on incognito if that matters at all... I just love click clacking on this Staples keyboard. Side note: the ultrasound cleaner is SOOOO goopy. I'm trying to troubleshoot the thickness and consistency. I feel like a chemist. Not successful yet. For the longest time I thought: too much blue, add a ton more water. But it got goopier. UGH. So yesterday I dumped a whole lot more blue... still goopy even though I thought I cracked the code for a second. My next attempt is going to be a heck ton water. idk