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propaganda i am not falling for:

always moving on. some goodbyes need to rot a little. some griefs need to be held in the mouth like a stone.

beauty defined by algorithms. beauty exists in crow feet and smile lines

pretending to be chill. i’m not chill. i care deeply and inconveniently. i read into things. i write poems about eye contact

beige apartments with no soul. give me bookshelves and incense and loud art

sneaky links and unclear intentions. i want devotion. and also clarity

treating books as decor. read them. dog-ear them. argue with them in the margins

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March 8

The last day of a trip is a curse and a blessing.

I miss my mom, my home, my bed, my routine, but mostly my mom. I've decided I don't want to live without her. At most, a couple houses down the street. I know I can do this on my own now. (The first day, I wasn't so sure.) But I'd rather do it with her. It's not necessarily an amazing experience if she hasn't had it too. I enjoyed the trip, don't get me wrong, but I feel the need in my bones to come back, come back with my best friend and show her around, explore together instead of separately.

I'm grateful for the lovely souls I've met on this trip. Different, yet delightful and authentic. Isabella, Abigail, Kayla, Jordan, Claire, Payton, Adrienne, Chinyere, and Sophie, thank you for accepting me into the group of amazing, diverse creatures that perfectly compliment each other. I can't forget about Ryan, Wil, and Orion, of course. (And Jackson and Samantha, who I didn't get to know that much, but seem like incredibly kind people.) And I won't forget how we were treated by others, and I promise to always defend you. You all have a right to be angry and fight for yourselves. (Especially you two, Abigail and Claire. Nothing will take away your unique experiences as Jewish people, especially not some gossiping Christians/Agnostics taking 'cute' pictures in front of Jewish memorials. Always fight for yourselves and others as fiercely as they fight against you. And Chinyere, too, for what was said about black individuals in Austria. We will know history as it was, and fight to the ends of the earth for it, even against our colleagues. And gossip is never acceptable, but especially when it is in the form of a stab in the back. And Kayla, too, for being disrespected as not only a human, but as a woman surrounded by strangers in a foreign country. You have the right to stand up for yourself and I'm very proud of you for doing so. Also, tell me how things go with the German guy.)

I know most of us will keep in touch. I already have plans with someone after we get back home. It feels difficult for me to meet people who are similar to me. I feel quite different from those around me, and feel the need to alter myself to fit their interpretations of what the best person should be. I'm thankful that I could be my authentic self with all of you. I felt supported and I hope you felt the same with me. We've only known each other for a few days, but I feel no shame in saying that I will miss you all and think of you frequently.

(Miles walked)

And, of course, thank you Dr. Hansen-Glucklich and Dr. Rotter for the opportunity of this experience.

(Feat. Operation Wild Goose Chase)

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March 7

Today was a day full of friends.

I grew up homeschooled. Social anxiety plagued me from a very young age. Introversion has been part of my soul from my creation. I've found it difficult to gain friends.

I'm thankful for the ones I've met here. We liked the small town, the quiantness drew us in more than the noise and hustle of the city. I got to know people on a deep level, something that I remember daydreaming about as a child, in my bedroom, without anyone to call my friend. I think I like this feeling.

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March 6

Today, I confronted the norms of rich and poor, and lose.

I wonder why people feel the need to have so much money. I think we've decided cohesively that wealth is power. If one wishes to show off, they should show the money they have. I understand, unfortunately, from a capitalist American point of view, though. You hate rich people, but you want to be them still. I just don't want to focus on money and gold things. In a Catholic church, I feel like it is double-sided. The Bible says to give what you don't need; we don't need these gold-leafed paintings and sculptures carved out of marble. As pretty as it is, it isn't necessary. Anyway, that's what I thought about while visiting the church and parliament today. Oh, don't even get me started on parliament. Having conversations about houseless people in a building filled with enough gold to cure world hunger feels a bit sickening to me, personally.

And the shoes, oh, those shoes. Interestingly enough, I felt more emotional looking at the shoes than going to Mauthausen. Perhaps because I could see individual people, human beings, living and breathing and breaking souls. Mauthausen is only a place—a place where people died, yes, but the stench is gone. The bones are buried and burned into the air, returning to the earth years earlier. The shoes are permanent, left in the wake of a red river. Flowers and rocks aren't enough to compensate for the souls, young and old, that left the earth too early.

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March 5

Today, I was met with death.

It was a little difficult to face it with last year's events. My little girl, my papa, gone just like that. It was jarring for my mind to comprehend the amount of death I was surrounded with. The birds, the crows, the bugs, the flowers, the friends, they remind me, though, of life.

I wonder how many people grieved as I do. And how many people are still grieving. There is no time limit, and there's no starting point. Sometimes, I feel like I've gone through it, then I travel back to the beginning... Today reminded me to schedule an appointment with my therapist.

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March 4

Today, we visited Mauthausen.

I saw one of the girls crying. It reminded me that I have become desensitized to this event. Too much information is too overwhelming; the mind cannot comprehend that much tragedy. It shuts down. This sometimes reflects itself in the form of suppression or denial, or a complete disinterest. I know we are not supposed to discuss politics. Therefore, I will only say that it feels eerily similar to life as of now.

I stood, alone, for a couple moments. It was quiet, almost silent in this place. I heard birds chirping. It reminded me of the life here. I imagined the birds hunted, shot as they flew through the free, crisp air for their unknown last wonder through the sky. Suddenly then, my heart felt heavy. The skies stay for eternity, but the birds visit, and they leave. The birds deserve to stay, though. To visit the sky whenever it best suits their schedules. But what happens when their schedule is cut short? They return to the earth, through their bones, picked at by predators, humans and other animals alike. Their remains are only accepted by the earth as they return to it. I feel tired when I step back out of the gates, birds singing still. At least, for the time being.

Most people ask me if I'm sure. Am I really sure I want to study the Holocaust? I'm not stupid; I feel the tension rise and silence fill the room when I mention it. But then, people closest to me say I'm a poet, a philosopher, a psychologiclst (the three Ps... a comedian to some). I tell them, when they stay to listen, that it only serves to remind me of the beauty in the world. Beauty doesn't exist without the ugly. The most intelligent people in the world know the most about the ugly, but choose to not partake in it. What is the reason to live other than living in the beauty? This is our home. Does it really matter where you've come from or choose to go? One day, I hope, life will be kind. Life, and everything that comes with it.

And it's not lost on me in any stretch that I left the space as I was when I entered.

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March 3

Today tested me, that's for sure.

Most of all, it tested my love for myself.

Something that I have learned from this trip, even just after a couple days, that I know how to advocate for myself. Setting boundaries is difficult for me. But sometimes I need to do it. I left early. I took a taxi. Got back on my own, because I had to, in order for my mind to have some room to recuperate.

I am not for everyone, and this isn't the first time I've realized it, but the first time I've accepted it. Many believe I'm beautiful, and many believe I'm ugly. I don't mind either way. I believe I'm beautiful, and so do the people I've let into my life. Stares and scoffs mean little to me. What matters most to me is how I can best serve myself.

I may not be able to measure it, but I know I can weather it, whatever it is.

Before all of this, though, I found that pesky guy: Dionysus. Oh, Dionysus, I seem to find you in the most opportune of places. I like to think that he was reminding me to forget about my anxieties and doubts. I am respectful, of course, I'd hate it if I wasn't. But that doesn't mean I have to rid myself of who I am. I like to think that he transferred some of his energy to me, a true maenad. His energy flowed through my veins as I danced, then he set me free, back to my worrisome and saddened state; he doesn't want to deal with that, after all, he fought hard enough to escape it from himself.

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Mar 2

I rediscovered my love of public transportation and of powerful women today.

One thing I wish we had in the US is walkable cities and, therefore, decent public transportation. I'm trying to get back in touch with nature recently. Many are destroying it. Even though it's only me, only a couple things a week, I can still help our mother. I don't mind driving to school every day, it's my time to reflect and be alone. But I would rather take a city bus or the tube or something of that nature (pun not intended). Anyway, I like it when I get the hang of it.

I asked for help in German today.

"Können Sie mir helfen? Wo ist die blaue Frau?"

"Can you help me? Where is the blue woman?"

I was very proud of myself. I understood maybe 1/4 of the very nice and pitying woman's answer, so I could not find her. I like her, though, seeing her in pictures of a picture. I saw her and thought of Florence Wench. Her songs make me feel powerful; she's a powerful creature. I wonder how many powerful creatures reconnect with their inner strength. Society pushes women especially away from it. They lift us from our own hearts, our own bodies, our limbs, pain...

I found Hekate today as well. Apparently, I have a knack for finding my favorite Greek gods. She is a triple goddess; the mother, the maiden, and the crone. She represents the eras within a woman's life. She is the goddess of witchcraft, ghosts, and is one of the moon goddesses. I was excited to find her; she serves as a reminder to me that everything will be alright. I am a woman, after all. I've been through the toughest shit that anyone could think of, and yet I'm still here.

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February 28 / March 1:

As much as I love traveling, I dislike the transportation aspect of it all.

I cried on the plane when we took off. I miss my mother; it's the most difficult, I think, to leave the creature who gave you life. She carried me in her ideas, then in her stomach, in her arms, in her bed, in her mind, in her heart. It's difficult, I think, to leave the creature with whom you've been with throughout your youth and adulthood (if you can call it that).

Airplane rides are mind-numbing to me. Mostly because I cannot move too much. I can put my seat back and risk having my seat pounded on. I can lay to the right and risk staring at the person beside me. I can get up and walk around, and risk stares and uncomfortable situations because I'm taking care of my health (which is unbelievable, I'll have you know). So, I sit. I sit forward. I sit to the left. Forward. Left. Forward. Left. Sit. Sit. Sit.

And then sit some more...

I held my eyes open as we walked. Exhaustion flowed through my bones. I wanted to unzip my back, step out of my skin, hang it up to dry and harden, and rest in my soul for a while.

I saw beautiful things, that's for certain. But I don't think I could appreciate it very well. Looking back, it's something I regret, but know that I couldn't prevent it. I think it's more peaceful, knowing that you did everything you could, minus some, but I must remember that in the moment, it was enough.

I found Dionysus. I find him at least once wherever I go. I see him in the wine, in the grapes, the stages, the masks, the art, the madness. Hellenists will say he likes me; I offer a lot to him. Atheists will say it's a psychological illusion. Christians will say that I mustn't hold him in my heart. But I like to think that he's proud of me. Dionysus, if you're listening, I see you, don't worry about that.

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grass moon by Matthew Dickman

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Do you have any advice for young women?

In general? Sure. Read whatever you can get your hands on, but especially work written by women. Put your hands in sticky things at least once a week (clay, paint, dough, soil), don’t date anyone for a few years, travel when you can where you can, learn the skill of listening to your body— rest when you are tired, eat when you are hungry, drink when you are thirsty, and move when you are anxious. Swim as often as you can. Try to live alone at least once. If you can’t live alone, make time to be alone often. Carry pepperspray and do not learn to hold your tongue. Learn to sew, or weave, or knit. Unlearn the impulse to apologize for things that are not your fault. Pleasure yourself. Every once in a while, remind yourself of how loudly you can yell, how quickly you can run, and wildly you can dance. Allow yourself to cry for your mother. Spend as much time as you can in female-only spaces. Spend even more time with older women. Listen to their stories. Memorize their gray hair and lined faces, their swollen joints and sagging breasts. Cherish the gradual appearance of these things in yourself as an inheritance. Hold hands with other women. Spend some time naked in your home. Adopt a cat, or a fish, or grow some caterpillars into butterflies on your window. Eat heartily and drink to enjoy it. Go hiking and scream from a peak somewhere. Sometimes, allow yourself to act like a child again— climb a tree, scrape up your knees, and lick cake batter from the spoon. When you clean your home, open all the windows and beat the dust from all the curtains. Laugh loudly. Do not become self-deprecating to encourage others to laugh with you.

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everyone should have a balanced diet of both good music and music that fucking sucks. it's healthy. get over it.

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New York City ballet production of Midsummer Nights Dream

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modern dating is embarrassing i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he’s the local hot priest who will question god because of me)

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pride and prejudice (2005, dir. joe wright)