messofmoss

[messofmoss]

july 18, 2024

7:59am

I just woke up from the most like weird disturbing dreams. it started off with me at like a graduation and i had a girlfriend that i was with and everyone was like protesting something??? and they were heading into the forest and personally i was going to wait and not go in but my girl wanted to go in so we did. it turned into hallways that were old and falling apart and heading like downward. like deeper into the earth. there were rooms and people seemed off. my girl went into one room and i didn't go in immediately because i was still looking around. once i went in, it was like an old hospital room and there were other people in there but they were panicking and banging on the walls. my girl was on the floor and covered in blood and i ran out.

i'm trying to get out but i get a little lost and then i see my girl again in the hallway but shes just a skeleton with arms and a head and shes dragging herself on the floor towards me and reaching out to me. she said my ex andrew did that to her?? i woke up as i was trying to run.

another one i had just before that had me in like an abandoned building with my mom and my ferret cage and it had been taken over by other like wild ferrets or something and my mom was making me kill them by stabbing them with toothpicks to save my ferrets and i kept apologizing to them and crying and it was awful.

[messofmoss]

[messofmoss]

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[messofmoss]

the dichotomy of girlhood

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[messofmoss]

Frida Kahlo, from a letter wr. c. November 1933, featured in The Letters of Frida Kahlo: Cartas Apasionadas

[messofmoss]

monday, june 24, 2024

6:05pm

just got home from taking koda to the vet. today was such a stressful fucking day. anxiety, sadness, rage, fear, irritation. i am still a bit mad but i don't have the energy to write right now. maybe after i get something to eat.

[messofmoss]

sunday, june 23, 2024

1:02am

how come when i don't want to sleep, i fall asleep but when i dooo want to sleep, i can't

12:51pm

i want to disappear i want to disappear i want to disappear fuck i want to disappear i want to just up and leave and not talk to anyone again i wish a car would hit me when i step out to do a delivery. not my car though because my mom would have to pay for that. a thousand flies are buzzing around under my skin. i feel like i need to shake and wave them off of me. but i am driving. i can't

i want to peel off my skin

1:19pm

i want to cut so bad but i keep thinking of emi. i cant i cant i won't. i yhink im gonna take a hydroxyzine or a xanax idk

2:27pm

i need to make a routine for my mornings. like self care and such. wake up, do this this this and that. boom boom boom. maybe i should do my makeup everyday. i need to exercise. i need to study spanish too. journaling! so much to do. when would i need to wake up for all of this?

[messofmoss]

saturday, june 22, 2024

8:31am

i just slept for 11 hours. i got home from work and basically just passed out. my phone is half dead. my whole body hurts. i had a whole handprint on my arm when i woke up lol

there were many times my mind was racing yesterday and i wanted to write here but i was working and couldn't. i feel like writing it down helps a bit because instead of rattling around in my brain, it's pouring out here. like a bit of release and relief.

my head hurts. it hurt a lot yesterday too. i forgot to take my pills. i haven't missed a day in awhile. i was missing a refill and i was going to take them when i got the missing part but forgot about it.

i feel shitty. i don't want to go to work today. or do anything really. slept 11 hours and i just want to go back to sleep. sleep 11 more hours. i hate work. i don't want to go. i don't want to be around humans. i just want to be in my dark cave with my cats and my kindle and my pillow. i didn't even get to enjoy my days off because it was too hot to exist.

i feel like crying right now. i don't want to go so bad. i can't just call out every weekend though. ugh

10:19am

i sent her a minute of voice messages and all she says back is "okayyy" an hour later. really nothing to say at all??? why do i even bother

5:15pm

teary in the car again. i think julia is mad at me for calling her a hater. i was only teasing.

as SOON as she opened my last voice message, she started typing and said she was going to bed. she hadn't even listened to half of it yet. that voice was my attempt to change the subject. i said "i'm going to try to befriend the new girl at work tonight" the one i had told her might be a lesbian. idk i'm just so sad.

lilly told me to back off her and see if she reaches out to me first. i feel like she won't because last night i fell asleep and forgot to send her good morning message and when i woke up, she had read my last message and just... didn't say anything to me.

8:40pm

i can't enjoy my free time because i made a plan and that plan isn't until monday morning but like it takes away future planned free time before work and now i'll have to be out doing something and now i am just in a perpetual state of anxiety waiting for that thing. and it's like when you have a dentist appt at like 2pm so you can't enjoy your morning because you're just waiting for the appointment. i hate transition periods. i used to tell brogan to not tell me if he had to leave in like 10 or 20 minutes or whatever because then i wouldn't be able to enjoy that time anymore because it would feel like we are in a transition phase and it just makes me stupid anxious. the plan for monday is to go to clifton park at 8am to pick up thomas from the mechanic and hang with him til i have to work. i just hate making plans in general. i hate weekends because i have to work. i hate feeling trapped. work schedule makes me feel trapped. making plans makes me feel trapped.

also i have acid reflux/heartburn whatever for the first time in aaaaages and i hate it so much. i think it's because i've had pan pizza two days in a row at work. i need to get back to my diet. i feel like shit. i look like shit. i am shit. i look at my reflection and i don't even recognize my face anymore. like who the fuck is that? why do i look like that?

[messofmoss]

friday, june 21, 2024

7:59am

jesus christ. julia just greeted me like this and my heart literally skipped a beat. UGH. but i know it means nothing. but it's been so long since she's said it. fuck fuck fuck i feel so stupid that i'm like literally physically reacting to her still. i was trying to move on. but like just one word has me feeling like today is going to be a good day then. but i hate myself too because why why why am i still so affected by her

8:05am

lmao i listen to the macarena when i'm sad and driving and need to fix my mood a bit. i was sitting on the toilet stressed about julia and then my mind started playing the macarena and i'm just sitting here on the toilet dancing in silence. i did it the first time and i was also thinking wow i'm dumb. but then i couldn't stop. did it a second time. almost did it a third time lol

8:12am

just looking at pictures she's sent me. some from the taylor swift concert she went to with cris. cris is pretty. my mind: she doesn't give a shit about you. she only cares about her. cris is the one that matters, not you. you're just filler. that's all you'll ever be to her. to anyone. why can't you be someone valuable? someone people wouldn't want to lose? why am i so disposable?

1:25pm

when she got home from work, she told me she was going to try to nap. so i said sweet dreams. turns out she just didn't want to talk to me and now apparently she's going to a concert tonight with diego (a guy who wants her that she has kissed before). love love love that. thats why she called me baby earlier. she's always more loving when she's with other people. like she's just trying to make sure i stay on the hook. and it fucking works. i hate myself.

[messofmoss]

[messofmoss]

thursday, june 20, 2024

4:52am

it's been weeks since julia has told me she loves me back. i told her again, and all she said was thanks. maybe she doesn't anymore. maybe it annoys her when i tell her. i should just leave her alone.

she probably wouldn't even notice you're gone. or if she does, she would feel relief to finally be free of you. if you care about her, you'll leave her alone. just leave her the fuck alone.

5:05am

she doesn't want your love. just cris. your love is only agitating for her because you're not cris. love and attention from the wrong person is irritating. she doesn't give a fuck how you feel about her. she only keeps you around as a distraction from her cris feelings. that's all you ever were and you're not even a good one anymore. there is no point to your existence in her life. tbh there's no point to you at all. what good comes from your existence? two cats get cuddles a lot? they'd get cuddled by someone that could afford to take care of them better. they could get cuddled by someone who would clean their litter box more regularly. they could get cuddled by someone that lived in a house they could roam freely in. even they would be better off without you if you weren't so fucking selfish.

5:14am

why the fuck do you even care what she thinks anyway? she's boring as hell 80% of the time. she doesn't have a drop of whimsy in her body. your relationship is like she's a member of the crowd watching your comedy special. laughing ever so often and maybe answering a few questions now and then. 90% of this entire friendship is just you. she doesn't deserve you.

5:20am

do you think loaves of bread at the store want to be picked? like they know they're going to be eaten? or do they try to wish themselves invisible and silently scream when someone picks them up and sets them in their cart? would each slice be like taking a limb from them?

many times have i only wanted 1 loaf of bread but i saw only 2 there so i couldn't just leave the one behind because what if it felt unwanted or not good enough? what if it missed its friend? so i buy both. but what if that is a worse fate because now it has to watch me tear his friend apart limb from limb? that fucking sucks

10:09am

maybe i'm asexual??

8:44pm

what a day. i went downstairs to check on grandma and turned outlander on for us to watch. it was around 3 when i realized that there was an odd smell. turns out one of the stove burners was on and filling the house with gas. so i took grandma out to 3 cemeteries and we drove around in our nightgowns.

i called my dad while we were out to check on him because of the heat and all. i told him we were going out to sand lake union cemetery and so he asked me if i could go up taborton mountain to my uncle's house to get a microwave for him. so i did.

once i got home, i basically just read for the next couple hours. i'll probably start another book now that i've finished this one. it's easier to not think when i'm reading. well if the book is interesting enough. i'd rather be in their world than my own.

11:13pm

my hairdye finally arrived but i think i should wait to do it. i don't want toooo but it's so hot lately that i'll just sweat it off at work and dye my clothes and skin lol embarrassing that'd be.

11:20pm

julia sent me a selfie today without me asking and a voice message without me asking. then she sent two kissy faces when she went to bed instead of hearts.

it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything it doesnt mean anything

but i want it to. i want to kiss her. she's so unbelievably pretty. how does she just wake up everyday and look like that? that's crazy.

she would never be interested in me. i'm like a fucking whale. an ogre. a troll. i feel like i am just ballooning more and more everyday.

my legs don't even feel like mine half of the time. they're like huge and each jiggle is so uncomfortable. like it feels foreign.

in general when i look in the mirror it doesn't feel like me. like who is that?

there was a period of time when i had like two sides of me. i called the other one emma. emma is a lesbian and more repulsed by men and doesn't want kids. vs katy who wants a traditional life with a man and children. i feel like i go through periods where i feel more like emma or more like katy. i actually had started a diary once where i was going to write journal entries and like sign them as katy or emma so i could see the difference more. but i am typically bad at keeping up with diaries.

i found it lol i only had one entry after this so not very helpful. maybe i could start it up again. though right now i feel kind of like neither of them.

[messofmoss]

wednesday, june 19, 2024

3:20pm

my mom, grandma, and i just left ihop. i feel bad for wasting my mom's money. i ordered a pot roast and mixed it with my mashed potatoes but then i had a bad bite. you know? like something unexpectedly chewy that just makes you want to gag? so i spat it out. normally i immediately give up but i felt bad because it was expensive so i tried eating more but then got another bad bite and spat that one out too and i just couldn't eat any more of it after.

last night i fell asleep at like 10 and then woke up at 1:30am. then went back to sleep around 4:30am i think and slept for a few more hours. i had such a bad headache. the heat and my allergies were so bad. i was literally just laying in bed spraying water on myself in front of the fan so it would evaporate on me.

[messofmoss]